"…Sonic, do you love me or not…?"
Her words were still ringing in my head, banging at the insides, torturing me nonstop.
I couldn't answer her. She had hit me hard and fast with that question, and I had no answer to shield me.
I wasn't use to being cornered like that. Especially with a question that only contained six words…
So I had done something that I usually did in a position like that…
…I ran.
I ran far away from that place…far away from her. But the further I ran, the more my heart started to ache.
I wasn't thinking clearly. I must not have to have done such a terrible mistake like that!
After all that I've done to her…I just had to make it even worse by running away from my troubles.
Every pounding of my heart felt like a knife stabbing me. It felt like I was dying.
My body became so heavy, so slow. I felt like I wasn't even moving, like the whole world was moving on without me. Eventually I'd be left behind, alone in the cold.
I can hear a couple of screams as people are startled by my appearance. I'm not looking where I'm going; I'm not even guided by sight anymore, only by speed.
Mi mind was moving quicker than my feet could handle and I stumble a couple of times as I enter a field of tall grass. Where was I going? Did it matter? What even mattered anymore?
Birds scatter in panic as I speed past them. Wherever I was going my feet weren't getting me there quick enough and I start to enter supersonic speed. I knew I was being totally reckless, but I just wanted the pain the stop. Maybe if I could go fast enough I could just leave this place. Just the thought of having to face her again made me sick and perturbed. Maybe I could…maybe I could…
Maybe I could stop… I needed to stop thinking.
I didn't know how long I ran for; I didn't even know when I stopped.
I just knew that this wasn't an ordinary kind of pain that I'd get from a battle with Eggman. This was more insane and inhuman than that. It literally felt like my heart had split. It was so incomprehensible that I drove myself mad that night, desperately trying to figure out how to stop that pain; where to get my heart back.
But then I realized I left it back thousands of miles ago, with that unanswered question.
Entering Mobius, my energy starts to drain. I suddenly feel weak and tired. My stomach was aching, but I couldn't bother to eat. I dragged my feet across the ground as I neared an abandoned table next to a small café. It was still raining, maybe even a little harder than before, so no one was around me. I was alone, cold, and numb, but it wasn't much different from what I've been feeling these past months. The memory was still haunting me, controlling my emotions. I knew that I should have gone back to her that day, but I didn't. I felt too ashamed to face her. If only she could know…if only I had answered her question instead of running off without giving an answer.
If only I controlled the hands of time.
The migraine that I had for two weeks now started to worsen and I held my head in agony.
How'd I end up like this; always feeling so empty, so lonely? Not even fighting Eggman was much fun anymore. All I think about is her. I have constant fantasies about being with her again, and I actually feel happy…happier than I've felt in months. But then reality hits me harder than a ton of bricks, and I realize that I've waited too long. Now, she's not mine anymore and I'm left with a broken heart that is consuming me every day.
I sneeze a couple times and can immediately feel a cold starting to overshadow me , as if I didn't feel sick enough already. I know that I should be dragging my butt home, but my energy has faded along with all my hopes and dreams of her ever giving me a one hundred and thirty-second chance to make things right with her.
In the distance I hear the clock tower chiming away, signaling that it was 5:00. The cheerfulness of the bell's sound waves as they make their way towards me are repelled by my depressed aura. To me, they sound like cymbals.
I probably would have rotted away here if it weren't for the fact that I'm supposed to be at Castle Acorn by 5:10, going over the arrangements for this Fall Dance that Bunnie somehow convinced everybody to take part in. Sally would kill me if I wasn't there. But the worst part is that there's a high chance of her showing up there because she's supposed to help Mina with the party decorations, and I don't think I'd be able to make it if she shuns me the entire time. The whole image starts slowly unraveling itself in my head, and is quickly consuming what was left of me. Dark clouds start inhabiting my head, my thoughts. I can't think and all I feel is pain.
It's happening again...
I need to run. I need to run now.
So, I force my feet to hold me up as I start off with a jog before I go off at my trademark speed.
And I can still hear the sound of her soft cries reverberating in the wind.
This is worse than I thought it'd be. I slouch in the foldable chair I found, my heart sinking with every time her greens eyes look in this direction, staring right past me. She is indeed here, but she hasn't looked at me once. And to make matters worse, she's with him. Every time I see them in the same place with each other now, I get all tense and livid. He doesn't deserve her, and I hate him for thinking that he does.
"Sonic, would you get your lazy self over here and actually help me for once?" Mina snaps at me, standing with one hand of her hip and the other holding a pretty long piece of paper.
I give Amy and Mighty one last long glance before going over to her.
"Sorry."
"Sorry doesn't cut it. I needed you to go get these supplies for me ten minutes ago!"
"Why can't you go get em'? You're almost as fast as me."
"Because I don't think you know how to lace forty-seven ribbons of every curtain, take the time to count all the guest that are coming, or embroider a fall leaf on all the napkins!"
"What's the point? People are just going to wipe their mouths on it anyway…" I give her this blank look as she stares at me like I had just said that 2+2 was 15. I'm really not in the mood to deal with this right now so I solemnly take the list of things from her hand in defeat.
"Okay fine! But could you please tell me why Amy isn't the one doing this for you?"
She sighs heavily, like she's gone through this with me a hundred times, "Mighty needed a partner to help him figure out the placements of the tables and Amy offered to help."
My hand clenches the paper a little tighter, almost ripping it. Who needs a partner for table placements?
Not noticing my sudden rage Mina continues to talk.
"So since you were the only one that wasn't doing anything too important, Amy suggested that you should be my partner."
I'm about to ask if I could go get some air (spy on Amy some more) but Mina turns me around and starts to quickly shove me towards the door saying, "Now would you just go?", and before I even have time to talk I'm already out the ball room, alone in the emptiness and darkness of the hallways.
I hate being alone now.
For some reason this castle has, like, about a hundred rooms in it and I promise you that Sally doesn't even realize it. I always told her that she probably didn't even know that the castle had a second floor if it weren't for me telling her, and then she makes up an excuse like "Saving Mobius is more important than knowing how many rooms are in my house", which I know is true, but then later on I had sometimes found her walking randomly around the place, amazed at how many rooms she didn't even know existed.
So after that, Sally started to fill more of the rooms to keep them from looking wasted, and decided to make a random room way back in the castle the supply closest. And the thing is that there is no sign on the door yet so I have to search through at least ten other doors before I actually find the thing. But soon enough I find it and start looking for the things that Mina so desires.
I'm only half reading it though. My mind is racing over so many questions that it's making it really hard to concentrate. I wasn't ready to come back. I wasn't ready to see her. And I defiantly wasn't ready to see her talking and laughing with him like I never was even in the picture. The pain that I was so desperately trying to avoid was starting to creep up on me again. And I needed to get out of this place before I can't stand it anymore so I grab all the stuff from the list I can find and dash right off….
….knocking right into someone on the way into the ball room. We both collapse on the ground from the impact, items falling all around us.
"Oh, man! I-I'm so sorry!" I'm all frazzled and dizzy as I search for all the items that I dropped.
"It's… It's okay, Sonic…"
That voice. It's so familiar.
I look up and freeze, dropping the items. And there she is. Right here, right in front of me. I'm in shock as I stare at her. We haven't been this close to each other in so long, and she looks great. Immensely great. Her hair has gotten longer, plus now that I'm close to her I can see that she even curled the ends.
I want to run my fingers through it so badly…
"Amy…" I breathed.
I haven't said her name in what seems like forever.
Four months, three days, and six hours to be exact.
She just smiles at me. The smile that I've been seeing in my dreams and everywhere I look. I can't help but smile back and say, "…You look great." and suddenly my mind clears up and I forget why I was in so much pain in the first place.
Her cheeks turn rosy and her eyes break away from mine.
"T-thanks." She grabs the stapler that is in-between us and hands it to me, "Looks like you dropped this, along with the other 20 items."
I chuckle a little as I take it from her hand. Our fingers brush and my heart soars.
"Yeah… Mina went a bit overboard with the list."
She smirks, "Doesn't she always?"
We're both just looking at each other right now, smiling, and for a minute it feels like nothing happened. It's like we were still those two hedgehogs you'd find walking around Mobius, holding hands.
It's like we were still those two hedgehogs four months ago.
So I'm actually mustering up the nerve to ask her if she wants to hang out sometime because I've missed her so much. The way she laughed at all my jokes, no matter how corny… her beautiful emerald eyes, staring at me with so much hope….
Yeah, I'm going crazy without her.
But suddenly the sound of Mighty's voice calling out to Amy from the other side of the room breaks me from my trace.
And the moment's over.
I watch in disappointment as Amy stands up and she says something to Mighty but reality is impaling me so badly right now that I'm not paying attention to anything else.
Just the fact that thefour months are gone, and that she's with someone else.
She turns back to me, with a "Sorry, but I have to go." expression on her face and I force myself to nod, showing that I understand…
…And that I'm totally not disappointed that you're leaving me to be with a guy that doesn't even love you as much as I do.
"Nice talking to you Sonic…"
"Yeah… you too."
Then she's gone.
Plus, Mina has just found me with all the items on the floor and she's nagging me non-stop. But I'm only focusing on Amy right now.
And what should've happened between us…
The radio is on and a song from my favorite band starts to play.
I grab my remote and instantly crank it up a couple notches or so, making it so loud that I can barely hear myself think.
That's exactly what I want.
The beat of the drum and the fast pace tempo calms me in a way; It reminds me of running, my only comfort at a time like this.
"Your heart beats so close to me
it's supposed to be mine to keep
and so I worry...
Cause I try my best to be
on my feet, hope to see
you'll be there for me...
i put your name on my chest...
you put these words in my head...
do I know if what i'm doing's right?..."
By this time I'm already singing my heart out with the main vocalist. He's the closest person to understanding how I feel right now. The guitarist is rocking and the backup singers are following but only him and I value the true meaning of the lyrics.
"And Oh I hope I know what's right cause...
We might only have one night to...
Take all these chances, have my questions answered...
Do I know if what I'm doing is right? ..."
But the music isn't loud enough and my mind overpowers it without effort.
Amy and I use to listen to this band. She loved it, and I loved it. Many times we would just go out walking, listening to them on my I-pod, one ear bud in each of our ears. I would sing the main part and she would do backup. She was an awesome backup. We were joking around at the time, but we loved their songs so much that we decided to call them our band. I can still remember.
"Our band…" Amy had placed her finger on the tip of her chin, thinking about it. After a while she finally looks at me and says, "I like that" and then she beams at me.
I can still remember how happy she looked. I always wanted to keep her looking that happy because her smile could brighten anyone's day. I especially wanted her to be happy around me.
But I messed that up a long time ago…
"From the start i promised to
care for you and it's true...
i'm only human...
so this part is sad but true...
look at you i can't do
a thing cause screwing
up on my best...
i could not get to rest...
and i don't know if what i'm doing's right?"
They say the pain will stop… but when? And what if I don't want it to stop? Because then I'd be over her, but I don't want to get over her…
"And Oh I hope I know what's right cause...
We might only have one night to...
Take all these chances, have my questions answered...
Do I know if what I'm—?"
The radio is off now. And my heart hurts worse than before.
My feet felt like bricks in the receding mud beneath them, and the falling rain felt like needles above me. The mist made the road ahead of me imperceptible, leading me down to what seemed like nowhere. Everyone was gone, everything was quiet. It felt as if the whole world had ditched me, only to leave a small parting gift of rain that never ended.
I tilted my head up slowly to the sky, secretly cursing the clouds. It had practically been raining all week, and I started to wonder why I even came out the house. The rain took the advantage and started striking harder. We were mortal enemies.
The little green scarf on my head was struggling to do its job of shielding me from the drops. It was so worthless, but it was all I had.
The café Knuckles told me about was in distance and as I walk through the entrance the aroma of various dishes attack my senses.
"Look what the cat just dragged in." says Knuckles
Tails smiles and waves at me as I sit down next to him. Shadow gives me nothing more than a mere glance. They all already have their choices of drink in front of them, and seeing by the waitress that is looming over Knuckles I'm guessing that they've already ordered.
"Is that all sir?" the waitress is holding the writing pad in front of her face to cover her blush. She's obviously attracted to Knuckles.
"Actually, how about a chili dog supreme for my man over there Everything on it."
She giggles, flipping her golden hair to the side, "Of course. Anything to drink?"
She's still looking at Knuckles, asking him the question like I'm mute and can't order a drink for myself.
"A water would be fine." I say, grasping both or their attentions. The girl nods and writes this down, sneaking glances at Knuckles the whole time before walking off to give out the order.
"Wow Knuckles," Tails says, "Do you like her or something?"
Knuckles gives us a smirk, his cheeks turning all colored, "Well, she's cute and all but I've already got a date for that whole fall dance thing."
I nearly choke on my own saliva. Shadow gives me a questioning glance but doesn't say anything.
"I-I thought you weren't going." I manage to mutter.
He shrugs, blushing even harder. He grabs his drink and sips it quickly. "Yeah, well, you know. Things change."
Oh yeah. I would know.
"So," Tails continues," who's the lucky girl?"
"Like I'd tell you. That'd ruin the surprise." He then sneers, trying to make the rest of us envious no doubt.
Knuckles was practically beaming, but my anger was rising. He was my only ticket to having a reason to not go to the stupid dance. I couldn't just stay home! That'd be way too lame. I'd ask Tails but he already promised Sally that he'd help with the lighting and other electronics.
The only person left was Shadow.
No way in heck would I ask him.
"What about you Sonic?" Knuckles asks, also noticing the waitress from before carrying our orders.
"What about me?" I take my drink from the waitress' tray and immediately gulp some down. I try to act casual and oblivious to the question he was asking me. "I was just waiting on my drink…"
Everyone knew about Amy and I's breakup. I mean, after about two weeks she started hanging out with Mighty and everyone knew how that would turn up. Whenever I come around everyone seems to stop their conversations just to give me sympathetic glances. I can't even pass Mighty without everyone holding their breath (granted the tension between us is so tangible you can cut a knife through it). So when I got the call from Knuckles saying he wanted me to hang out with them, I knew that 'wanted' meant "needed" and 'hang out' meant "to contemplate".
As the waitress is placing the food orders in front of everyone I can already tell where this conversation was going, but I wasn't ready to face the truth—that I wasn't going to the dance because I had no one to go with. The truth hurt, but when does it not? If it weren't for the fact that they've already paid for my order, I would have already been up, over, and gone out of this place.
Knuckles gives a small smile to the waitress, sending her off all flustered and giddy before turning back to me.
"You know since Amy is…"
"Sonic," Tails interrupts, knowing Knuckles' lack of consoling all too well. He lays a placid hand on my shoulder, causing me to jump from the contact. "Sonic, what we're trying to say is that we're a little bit worried about you. You've been acting really…dejected lately…"
His eyes stare at mine with apprehension and my heart drops at the concern I was giving him. The thought of worrying Tails, or any of my friends, was like sticking a needle in my side. For my whole life, I fought to avoid this.
I couldn't stop now.
Immediately my cocky, confident side started to emerge, and my words are on autopilot.
"'Dejected'?" I rub Tails' head, messing up his hair a bit. "What is this foreign word you address to me?" I force a smile and take a bite out of my chilidog. The taste is still lost to me.
I try to sound normal.
"Dude, now this is a chilidog!" I take another bite and a another gulp of water. I wasn't even hungry in the first place.
Knuckles stared at me skeptically, and I could tell that Tails and Shadow were immediately onto my façade. I guess it was time to bump it up a notch.
"Guys, guys! Seriously, it's no sweat. I'm still going to the dance! I even started writing that song that Sally wanted me to do for it." I roll my eyes like their concern was worthless to me. "Take a chill pill and enjoy the food." I take another bite. My stomach was starting to hurt.
They start to exchange glances, and I start to get a little worried. I couldn't let them realize the actual pain I was feeling. It just didn't seem right for me, Sonic the hedgehog, to be expressing his feeling to others. I could handle myself, always had. I had a boundary for when people wanted to get close to me and I liked the distance. I mean, a hero…
A hero shouldn't express himself openly. A hero couldn't. It wasn't in his nature. That would be showing weakness, and weakness was not to be tolerated when a whole planet counted on you.
…right?
Of course…right.
Tails takes up his fork and sighs, "Alright Sonic, if you say so."
This was some kind of signal for Knuckles and Shadow to lay off, and they immediately start to eat.
I start to breath smoothly again.
Talking wasn't awkward after that, surprisingly. We laughed, and teased (except Shadow, of course) and acted like nothing was wrong. For a moment, I felt…well, content. It felt nice to have my mind elsewhere for a while.
But I knew in the back of my mind that I'd have to leave, and go back to being alone.
A part of me wanted to tell them…to tell them that I couldn't be alone, not yet. But, what kind of hero would I be if I were to break down like that? Even when everything looked bleak in a battle, I didn't break down.
There wasn't a difference between then and now.
After lunch, I immediately go home. You'd think that being, well, me that I'd have a lot more to do than to just go home…but to tell the truth, I actually don't. I've been so miserable lately that all the fun things in life have lost their value and color to me. Even chilidogs have lost their taste. My days now just consist of mobbing and my parents calling me, asking if I'm sick or something and then having to argue with them for about ten minutes that I'm fine and that I just want to be alone.
Then I realize that being alone is the one thing that I don't want and I start missing Amy all over again, running through plans of trying to get her back over in my head so many times that I just give up on all of them. This whole process takes up most of my days so I usually end up being too tired to do anything else.
I'm laying in my bed now, and this whole act just sickens me to the core. I'm starting sicken myself actually. How lame is this? Why is it that Amy can go about like I don't even exist when she's all I think about? I need to do something, anything, to get her off my mind. If she can move on, then obviously I can too, right?
I sit up irritably, being just the thought of doing nothing was driving me insane.
Or maybe the thought of Amy doing fine without me was driving me insane…
I suddenly hear a splat on the floor next to my bed. I looked down to see that it was my song book. It must have fell after I vigorously sat up. I lean over and picked it up, suddenly having the urge to write. Maybe writing could be my gateway to peace. I always felt a little more at ease when I wrote.
I flip through to see several excerpts of failed attempts to make a song and a couple of full length ones. To be honest, I haven't even started the song I was supposed to sing at Sally and Bunnie's little get together, and I only had three days left. I guess the logical thing to do would to start now, but I wasn't in the mood to write a happy song.
I suddenly remember that I have a music gig tonight and I sigh in distress. Mina and her band requested me to sing with them at The Tune because Mina's voice was a little hoarse due to their last performance. That was last week, so I already had a song and melody planned out. I've practiced it with The Forget Me Knots several times since then, but I guess it couldn't hurt to go over it one last time by myself. Conveniently, my acoustic guitar was leaning on the desk next to my bed and I grab it apathetically.
"Let's just get this over with…"
Song used is What's Right by The Title