Note: Timeline wise this fic is set between episodes 1x06 "LDSK" and 1x07 "The Fox". Minor spoiler also for 1x05 "Broken Mirror"
It was inspired by Placebo's song "Pierrot the Clown" hence the title.
Enjoy.
After the case in Des Plaines, Hotch was suspended for one week. The team had informed Section Chief Strauss about the details of the case but the woman insisted that kicking Reid had not been necessary. The younger man had defended his boss, had argued that Hotch didn't hurt him, that he would not have gotten access to the gun in his ankle holster otherwise, that Aaron's decision had saved everybody's life in that ER but all for nothing.
Aaron was released from duty for seven days. He took it surprisingly well, the team had thought he'd be upset because his reputation would be compromised. But apparently he wasn't as ambitious as the unsub in their previous case had profiled. His hopes for an advance, a more powerful position in the FBI wasn't as high as everybody had assumed.
The break turned out to be a good thing because Haley went into labor that week and gave birth to their son Jack.
So Spencer Reid was thunderstruck when he took his usual Sunday stroll around Quantico bay and saw his boss sitting on a bench facing the ocean.
"Hotch?", the brown haired agent asked and the older man turned his head.
"Hello", he replied, sounding downright trivial.
Reid was still unsure what to say to him, when the older man spoke again.
"The weather's so nice. It's a shame nobody really goes out anymore to appreciate it"
Spencer's brows furrowed. Was Hotch seriously talking about the weather with him? He approached the man on the bench and that was when he noticed Aaron's slight tan. He must have been out of the house quite some time this week.
"Come sit down, Spencer" and Hotch patted seat next to him.
Reid sat down, but did not look at him. Hotch had never called him by his first name before.
They sat in silence for a while and then Aaron started smalltalk.
It scared Spencer and soon he bowed out, claiming he still had some errands to run. Shallow Hotch frightened him.
That night, Spencer had just settled into bed with two books, there was a knock on his door. Reid did not get visitors often and he definitely wasn't used to them at this hour, so he grabbed his - no Hotch's- gun when he headed to the door to open it. It was Hotch.
"Come in", Reid said and Hotch entered his subordinate's apartment.
"Spencer", he started. He cleared his throat and started again, "Spencer. In the ER, when I…", he halted.
"Hotch, I told you it was okay"
"I hurt you. That's not okay. I promise I'll never do it again"
Reid swallowed. He didn't know what to say.
"I liked it", he finally admitted. As soon as the words were out he wanted to take them back but it was too late.
"What?"
"I liked it when you kicked me", Spencer elaborated and could just refrain to tell him he had even masturbated to the memory of it.
Aaron was quiet and Reid started to apologize.
"No, don't be sorry. You don't have to be ashamed. Some people enjoy pain. I guess I do or I wouldn't have stayed with Haley for such a long time", he chuckled. But soon his smile faded again. "I'm serious, no judgement here"
Reid inhaled deeply. He had figured as much. After seeing his boss that day, he had concluded that despite the happy event of the birth of their son, Haley had still found a way to get to Hotch. Some time ago Spencer had overheard phone calls in which she yelled at him, he had originally thought her irritation was due to the hormonal change of her pregnancy but now he knew Haley and only Haley was to blame. Of course, he didn't know what Hotch was like as a husband, but he worked with that man for three years - three lousy years- and what he had seen of the man sufficed to label him as the best man he had ever known. There was no way he wouldn't take Hotch's side in anything.
Before he knew it, he spoke again, giving himself away completely. "I don't enjoy pain"
"But you just said…"
"I said I liked it when you kicked me. I didn't say I liked being kicked"
"Spencer", Aaron breathed and moved closer to him. He reached out a hand to touch his face but pulled it back before he made contact. "I can't. I'm married"
"I know", Reid said. "I don't expect anything, I don't even… Maybe I do like pain. I fell for the one man I knew I could never have"
Aaron closed his eyes.
"Do you want to transfer? Move to another team?"
"What? No! Hotch, please don't do that", he practically begged.
"What do you want me to do?"
"Anything. Anything at all, just don't send me away. Don't make me leave. Don't leave"
"So you liked it when I kicked you because it was an interaction… between us?", Hotch asked.
Reid nodded.
"Because you like me?"
Reid nodded again.
"Do you want me to kick you again?"
Reid's eyes lit up. Another nod. When Hotch didn't respond, he asked, "Would you do that?"
"I promised to never hurt you again"
"But I want you to"
"But really you want me to do other things to you?"
"Yes, but I can't have that"
"I can't cheat on Haley"
"I know. I told you I know I can't have that, Hotch"
"Kicking you isn't cheating"
"Exactly"
A second later Reid was thrown to the ground. He moaned. Hotch kicked him tentatively, hesitantly.
"I can't do that"
"Yes, you can"
"I can't hurt you"
"You can. Just think about an unsub. Prentend I'm one of the criminals we catch"
Hotch kicked him again, but it was still a reluctant movement.
Reid pondered for a second, but then he decided to throw their 'no inter-team profiling' policy over board and started taunting Hotch.
"What you said to Philip Dowd, it was true. I made your life miserable. You attended to me, you took me under your wing, taught me everything and helped me with the firearm practice. You were just being nice and I fell in love with you. I'm a disgusting human being"
"That's not true"
"It is. You hate me for loving you, admit it. You hate me because I can't appreciate simple actions without developing feelings"
Hotch shook his head.
"You hate me for loving you because you hate yourself"
Hotch stared at him. Reid knew he had caught on to something.
"You hate yourself because your wife taught you to. She criticizes your every action as does Agent Strauss. You take that criticism, you take it to heart and work at yourself, try to improve but it's never enough. You give your best, more than your best, you give everything humanly possible but for the women in your life it is never enough. They don't appreciate you, your efforts, they don't see how hard you try. They're ungrateful and cruel. They make you feel inadequate and they're emasculating you and if that weren't enough to question your sexuality now there's this guy who accepts you the way you are. Respects you for everything you do. Loves you for it. Loves you for who you are. He doesn't have a single thing to complain about, doesn't find a single fault with you"
That was enough to make Hotch kick the young man in earnest. He pulled his foot back and tossed it forward with all the strength he could muster. He drew back and tread on him again. Knowing he had elicited emotions from the man together with the actual pain, the sweet pain of Hotch hurting him aroused him so much it took away his ability to think.
He didn't know how often Aaron kicked him but he was close to climaxing when he stopped.
Reid braced himself and panted, "Don't stop. You haven't stopped hating yourself, so why stop hating me? You don't love yourself, you feel you don't deserve to be loved but here I am. Go on, let it out"
Hotch bent down and grasped the sleeves of his pajama top to pull him up again. As soon as Reid was standing, he hit him in the face with his fist. Reid fell down to the floor again and came shouting Hotch's name.
In his post orgasmic bliss he barely noticed Hotch picking him up and carrying him to his bedroom. He lay him on the bed gently, then he went away and came back with a wet towel. He cleaned Reid's face and only then did the young man realize his nose was bleeding.
"I'm so sorry", Hotch said.
"Shh, it's okay. I enjoyed it. Very much", Reid rasped and looked down at himself.
The wet spot at the front of his pajama pants were proof of his enjoyment. Hotch saw it too.
He wanted to say something but Spencer beat him to it. "I'm glad you did it. Not only for me but also for yourself. It's good to vent your emotions sometimes you know. I think this… helped you. It can help you in the future, it can be some kind of therapy. Let me be your outlet. I want to be able to do something for you too"
"You have no idea how much you do for me"
"And you have no idea how much you do for me. Thank you. For everything. Now go home. I'll see you at work tomorrow"
Aaron looked like he wanted to argue but Spencer gave him a light push.
"See you tomorrow", the older man finally said and left.
As he lay there on the bed, still feeling the blood trickling down his face, the cum drying and making his pants stick to his skin uncomfortably he replayed the events of the day in his head. It seemed very surreal.
He rolled off of the bed with a lot of effort and stumbled into the bathroom. He discarded his soiled pajamas and took a hot shower. When he stepped out and wiped at the steamed up mirror he saw the first bruises starting to bloom next to the faded ones from the case. He smiled. It was the prettiest sight he had ever seen.
He shuffled back to his bedroom and slumped on his bed. He was glad Aaron had broken his promise.
Bruises from Hotch. That was what counted. He just wished that someday, he would get them another way.
He drifted off, dreaming of this someday.