This is a strange, sarcastic fic that I wrote when I was supposed to be writing my paper, which incidentally is due tomorrow. I'm not particularly proud of it, but this is what my brain was doing so I decided to post it. Because why not.
EDIT: Thanks for the reviews folks! Moonreader--thanks again for the grammar thing. I might, possibly, try for a sequel :) You never know.
Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived a king and queen. The king and queen had a beautiful daughter named Maria. She was so beautiful that people all across the land praised her features happily. This would have gone to any princess's head, but Maria was naturally kind and loving, and was never unpleasant or stuck up to anyone. When the time came for her to be married, many princes for miles around sent word to her father that they would gladly wed the princess. The King, however, was particularly fond of his daughter, and decided that any man to wed her would have to earn the privilage.
In a misguided act of love towards his daughter, the king locked Maria in a very tall tower without doors (I don't know how. Maybe they stuck her through the window with a crane or something). He sent word through the kingdom that the man to rescue her from the tower would have her hand in marriage. Many handsome princes tried, of course--some tried building huge ladders to reach her window, but none could make one long enough and sturdy enough (there were several cases in which princes made ladders that were just long enough. Rather messy, that.), while others tried climbing the sides of the tower, but were soon too worn out to reach the window. One prince used a magic carpet to try to fly through her window, but he wasn't very good at steering, and crashed into the side of the tower.
The king was becoming bored with the constant parade of princes, none of whom seemed to be capable of rescuing his daughter. Maria herself was starting to feel desperate, as it was starting to look like she would be trapped in this tower forever. Then one night a strange prince from a faraway kingdom came to the realm. He noticed the abnormally tall tower without doors and looked up (through binoculars, apparently) to the princess's window, where he saw her looking down towards him. He noticed immediately how radiantly beautiful she was, and Maria herself (also looking through binoculars) thought him to be the most handsome man she had ever seen.
The prince was determined to bring her down from the tower. Ladders and carpets had failed, but he had some knowledge of magic. The next morning he came back to the tower with a bucket of white paint and a handful of sand. Carefully, he poured the paint in a wide circle around the tower. Then he sprinkled the sand onto the paint, chanting an ancient magic spell. Immediately, the earth rose up into a grand staircase leading to the princess's tower. The prince walked up the staircase to Maria's window and carried her back down to the ground, the staircase sliding back into the earth after him. The king was overjoyed that a man had come worthy of his daughter. "This man," he shouted, the moment the two had returned to earth, "is worthy of my daughter's hand in marriage! They shall be wed immediately!"
"But I'm gay," said the prince.
"But--but then why did you want to rescue my daughter?" the king spluttered.
"Well, here's this pretty girl locked in a tower without doors--I mean, how bored must she be? I was passing and felt sorry for her." He mounted his horse again. "You could think about letting her out every once in a while. Give her some fresh air, let her meet new people. Sheesh."
The strange prince rode away. The king looked over at his recently liberated daughter, who was not looking any better as a result of being locked in a tower for a long period of time.
"Well, this is awkward," said the king.
Aaaaaand, that's all, folks. Now I really should write that paper...