Five Stages

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i'd like to make myself believe
that planet earth turns slowly

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To Nick, Macy would never be more than his biggest fan. He wouldn't deny how beautiful he thought she was, but he also wouldn't deny that in all reality she scared him. The fact that he cringed at her sight and he tried to look away to not catch her eyes broke her heart, he knew, but he couldn't help it. Her fantasies of him falling for her were utterly absurd, weren't they?

Nick wanted to think that. He wanted to believe that everything that was happening to him was unreal. Instead, he seemed to be in a labyrinthine. It was as if karma was out to get him, to laugh in his face and reassure him that she could win any fight and/or resistance Nick tried to put up.

He knew how he had fallen for her, of course. Everything, every reason, has its own little story behind them. He lives for them, in fact, thinking that maybe there's something hidden between the lines, telling him, warning him that it's going to happen to him soon, so maybe he would've known he was to fall so damn hard for her; but as he repeats the scenes over and over again in his head (damn his photographic memory) he knows that there is no way he could've known what was to come.

1) her grace;

Nick couldn't help but notice how (when he or any of his brothers weren't walking close by, that is) Macy walked with such grace. Almost as if every step she took was a different kind of dance. He knew that if he could, he would spend his whole day just watching Macy walk and wouldn't be bored one bit, because she was just that fascinating.

The first time he noticed was when he was hiding away from her (the irony now comes back to haunt him).

Nick was concentrating on a new tune he was working on, humming it almost silently to himself as he walked the halls of his school (almost purgatory; close, anyway) with no one giving him a second glance. He could practically see himself in the eyes of any bystander; brows furrowed, lips slightly parted, eyes distant…as if he were falling asleep with his eyes open, he compared.

And all of a sudden he heard the familiar 'hello' that haunted him at night, the one that caused the injuries he woke to. He stopped mid step and almost fell because of it, looking all around him to find where the voice was coming from.

Funnily enough, it was coming from behind him. Macy was greeting some friends of hers, stopping to talk to them, giving him enough of a chance as to hide. He bit his lip and contemplated the best place to call his haven, and finally, his eyes caught the empty lockers the school could never assign; the only three that had no wall behind them. He ran quickly behind them and knelt down, only slightly poking his head outward, to make sure when Macy had left.

Macy had finished talking to those friends of hers as she walked by the lockers, not even glancing their way. She had a small smile on her face, clutching a baseball bat to her side and wearing her baseball uniform…looking extremely attractive in Nick's eyes.

But that wasn't what caught his attention. It was the way she took her steps. It seemed like a rhythm. One step, millisecond, two step. She seemed to be floating on air as she walked, as if the school was her kingdom and she had walked since she was born. It was as if she had had practice as she had in sports. With every step that she took Nick felt his heart thump, thump, thump.

Macy could walk. Macy was very clumsy around the JONAS band, and maybe that's what had blinded Nick in the first place. But in all reality; Macy had the grace of a ballerina dancer.

Which, now that Nick thinks about it, wouldn't be too strange if she was one.

2) her insightfulness;

Nick failed at Literature.

You would think—with him being the songwriter and the poet of the family and whatnot—he would be acing the class. He laughed bitterly every time the teacher complained about his grades. He did, until the teacher finally called him after class one unfortunate day to tell him she had hired a tutor for him.

Nick had gaped at his teacher and asked her why she would do such a thing, all he needed was to be pushed a bit more.

"I push you enough, Lucas," the teacher had mocked him in a way which you would think she wasn't. "It's about time you start taking this seriously like Misa."

Nick had raised an eyebrow at that statement—where had he heard that name? Or, judging by the fact the teacher called everyone by their last names, that last name?

As if on cue he heard those rhythm filled steps enter the classroom, and Nate's heart started to race faster. No, he didn't want an injury so soon into the second semester. He was going so well! (Or, rather, she was going so well.) He almost hid under a desk on a reflex, but composed himself and looked over at Macy.

She was wearing her school uniform that day, and Nate almost smiled at how intellectual she looked. Of course, he knew she really didn't only look intellectual, she was intellectual, but he never thought Literature her best subject.

The teacher introduced them (a waste of time!) and sent them off to the library. Macy didn't speak the whole way, seeming pretty damn serious about this whole situation. Nick permitted himself an amused smile, but even then Macy didn't say a word.

They had finally entered the library, that for the longest of times had been Nick's sanctuary, and claimed a table in the far corner. Macy took out some books from her bag and then looked at Nick. "We're learning Shakespeare the whole semester," she said. "And you seem to be having trouble in only his most famous of works."

"Romeo and Juliet," Nick accepted, and Macy nodded.

"What do you think when you hear that name, Nick?" Macy didn't seem curious or silly, not even mocking. She looked as if this was something worth knowing, something she needed to know, in fact. Nick sighed.

"I don't know, really," he admitted. "It's the greatest love stories of all times, right?"

Macy laughed bitterly. "Sure, if you're as shallow as all the other corny girls out there," Macy opened one of her books. "If you look into it, Nick, Shakespeare was only making fun of teenagers."

Nick raised an eyebrow. "How? Don't they die for each other?"

Macy nodded. "My point exactly/" she said. "In the original play, Romeo and Juliet are both fifteen and fourteen. And they 'fall in love' instantly. Think about it, Nick. They had their whole lives ahead of them, they had more people to fall for…Shakespeare was mocking the teenagers who fall so fast in love with someone."

Nick gaped. That reminded him of someone. "Well, you just killed everyone's trip there, Macy. Everyone looks at it as a romance story."

Macy rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on, Nick. Read into it. Haven't you noticed that the only reason Rosaline broke up with Romeo was because he was pressuring her into having sexual contact with him?"

Nick shook his head. "Well, he is a teenager, after all."

Macy raised both her eyebrows. "I think you just answered yourself. And it is a fact that Juliet gave up her virginity to Romeo, leading to Romeo being engrossed with her. And only because she had sex with him."

Nick nodded. "So what they had…really was only obsession for each other?"

Macy grimaced. "In a way. It's like…a high school sweetheart. A crush, a first love. A first time," she added. "So many ways to describe it, but none of them would really be reasonable enough to lead to death, and all the other crap they did for each other."

Nick nodded. He understood now, how you had to read between the lines to truly grasp the content of this work. He looked at Macy for a while. How was it possible that when it came to literature, her fan girl moments were gone in a flash and she was so into what she was saying, what she was doing, that it made Nick…to tell the truth, attracted to her?

He shrugged it off then, saying it was the hunger messing with his mind, but deep inside he knew much better than that.

3) her brightness;

It was two weeks after the first tutoring session, and Nick was now passing literature. He knew Macy would never show it, but she was proud of him. And knowing this—knowing he was making someone proud—just made him happy to no end.

In those past two weeks, they had formed somewhat of a friendship. Now, in the halls, instead of freaking out and injuring him like all the other times, she smiled at him and waved, passing by. And sometimes, Nick wished she would stop and talk to him. And—though he thought this was crazy—sometimes he wished she could back to drooling all over him.

But that wasn't about to happen, not anytime soon.

It was a rainy day when he finally had a different conversation with Macy, one that didn't involve Shakespeare or any form of literature.

She was sitting in a bench outside, getting drenched with raindrops. Everyone else was sitting in the shade, or out in the rain with umbrellas, but Macy was the only one not bothered. Nick curiously looked at her until he finally pulled out his umbrella and walked over to her, sitting on the same bench.

Macy smiled at him. "Hi, Nick," she had said, her eyes lighting up the slightest. "How are you doing?"

Nick did his best to not smile back; he didn't want to give away that he was happy she asked a casual question. Avoiding her question (he was afraid he would answer 'elated', then would have to explain why he was elated) he spoke his burning curiosity. "Why don't you have an umbrella?"

Macy laughed, the sound of it ringing in Nick's ears and making him want more of the sound. "And waste this perfect day? No way."

Nick scoffed and shook his head. "Perfect day? It's cloudy, the sun isn't out and tomorrow the weather will probably be humid. In my opinion, rainy days ruin everything."

Macy sighed. "Oh, Nick. You don't see the beauty of this day?" Macy waited and Nick shook his head. "You have to open your eyes then." She took Nick's face and turned it forward. "Look around you. Don't you feel it?"

Nick could only feel one thing, and it wasn't what Macy was trying to imply. "No."

"The air. It's fresh, isn't it? Now, listen," Nick strained to hear something out of the ordinary, but nothing in particular caught his attention. "Don't you hear the change of rhythm in the bird's song? They're happier. They get water. Listen closely."

And, sure enough, he could hear it. The birds were chirping in a higher tune, in a more faster way. The song had some sort of melody to it that wanted to make you beam and dance along to it. It wasn't noticeable at first, but when you really looked for it, the difference was so clear.

"Wow." Nick breathed. Macy nodded enthusiastically and smiled.

"And then comes the best part," she continued. "Feeling the rain."

Nick shook his head. "I'll give you the right on the other things, but letting the rain drop on you is pretty stupid. You're going to get sick, Macy."

Macy's smile never faltered. "If you look at it that way, then sure, it sucks." She took a deep breath. "But…if you look at it as a beautiful gift from nature…the way it's feeding birds, or refreshing stray animals, or also refreshing less fortunate people…" She exhaled contently. "In a way, by putting your umbrella up, you're not appreciating that."

Nick looked at Macy for a long while, and, slowly, put his umbrella down.

4) her compassion;

After that, Nick and Macy had a lot of those conversations. Sharing opinions and truths about life. He liked this Macy much more. She was kinder, more cheery, in a matter of speaking, and could now really be pointed out as one of his very few friends.

And one day stays glued to his heart like many other childhood memories, the ones that scar you for life and start making you—forcing you—to see the world in a different manner.

They were walking home (they started doing this, as Macy had said it made you appreciate nature in a whole new way) one day when Macy suddenly gasped, alarming Nick. "What's wrong?" he had asked, immediately grabbing her arm in a protecting manner (completely ignoring the shocks that ran through him in the process).

Macy's eyes looked rueful as she ran forward, Nick trying to keep up. Finally, Macy stopped and knelt down in front of something Nick couldn't see, due to the fact Macy's figure was covering it. He walked around her and saw…a bird. It was struggling to fly, and finally Nick understood; it had a broken wing. Nick looked at Macy and rose an eyebrow. "Okay?"

Macy shook her head. "Poor thing," she cooed, grabbing the bird. Instantly, the animal calmed and stopped trying to fly, as if it felt safe in Macy's hands. Nick almost smiled. Who wouldn't feel safe in Macy's hands?

Then he realized what he had thought and mentally slapped himself.

Macy looked at Nick frantically. "We have to help him." Nick was about to protest, but he noticed Macy's slight pout. "Please?" she begged, and he sighed frustratingly at himself. What was it about this girl that could make him agree to anything she said? Nick nodded once and they had started walking at a faster pace, straight to his house.

Macy entered first, leaving Nick behind to lock the door. Frankie jumped up first, the little devil, and looked at him.

"Bringing a girl home, Nick? This is news." He looked at Macy murmuring to Kevin. For a reason unknown to him, his stomach was boiling at the sight. What was it about the picture he didn't like, though?

Frankie sighed and shook his head, walking over to Kevin and Macy. Nick mimicked his actions and started to hear what they were muttering.

"No, Macy, this is a job for a vet." He argued, and Macy sighed, as if she had done this millions of times.

"Kevin," she whined. "I can take care of him. All I need is to borrow one of your old bird cages. Please?" she used the same pout she had used with Nick, and Nick almost smirked. No way his brother could refuse now.

Kevin groaned, obviously realizing this too, and gave in. "Fine," he said, and walked into his room. Macy cooed again at the bird as Frankie walked with Kevin. Nick awkwardly scratched the back of his head, and he remembers looking at how pretty Macy looked with the bird.

Cute, even.

"So…do you want to, sit down?" he asked, and Macy finally looked from the bird to him. She smiled.

"Nah, I think I'll just take the cage and leave. I don't want to be a bother." Nick shook his head wildly. She thought she was a bother? What kind of person in their right mind would think such a thing?

He realized that he thought that not too long ago.

"You're not a bother at all, but I get it." He smiled slightly. "It's like your a mom now."

Macy laughed freely. "Wouldn't that be nice?" she shook her head, and Nick refrained from telling her yes, yes that would be nice, and maybe she should be one in the future.

He wasn't going to admit who he wanted the father to be.

1) her laws of life

So what has gotten Nick to the point where he is now sitting in a park bench after writing a note to Macy to meet him here?

He doesn't know. All he knows is that a few weeks ago he found the idea of falling for Macy Misa absurd and impossible; and now he was head over heels for her. He sighs deeply, watching the sun set as he waits for Macy to show up.

Finally, he hears the steps that are so familiar to him now and smiled to himself. He hears a shift next to him, and without looking away from the sun, he speaks. "Hi, Macy."

"Hey, Nick," she says, her voice a bit sad. This worries Nick and compels him to turn to her, and he frowns and looks down, to where she has placed something in the ground. His eyes widen. "He's ready?"

Macy smiles sadly and nods. "He's all better."

Nick sighs and looks at the bird Macy adopted about three weeks ago, his wings flapping frantically as if saying he wants out, and he wants out now. "I guess we all have to say goodbye sometime, no?" Nick smiles at Macy.

Macy shrugs and doesn't look at him for a while, and she finally speaks. "I don't think that."

Nick raises an eyebrow. "Oh? And why not?"

Macy gulps. "Well," she starts. "Good bye is saying that you'll never see that person or thing or whatever again, right?" Nick nods. "But I think that we all meet again sometime. Somewhere, somehow—but we all do."

Nick laughs quietly. "That contradicts the laws of life," he points out and Macy shrugs.

"I have my own theories." She admits, and Nick stares at her for a long time. How did he get here, to the point where his heart is beating wildly and all he wants to do is hold her close and kiss her, kiss her until there is no end and until he dies from lack of breath? In the point where he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, not like the other girls he's supposedly fallen for?

Macy takes the cage and takes a deep breath. "I think I'm ready," she whispers, and Nick nods.

"I think so too."

Macy slowly opens the cage door. The bird stays still for a while, as if hesitating—would he go now or should he stay?—but finally his instincts take over and he flies off into the sunset. Nick tries not to notice the tears rolling down Macy's face.

And he finally understand how he got to this point; Macy has thought him things that no other has been able to teach him. All in five stages. She has been able to break through him, through his shell, as if it was as easy as peeling an orange. She is his rock now—and she doesn't even know it.

Nick grabs Macy's hand and Macy squeezes it, crying silently. They both stare at the bird flying off, enjoying his new freedom, and Nick finally has a new perspective of life. One that involves laws of life that don't even begin to make sense.

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it's hard to say that i'd rather stay
awake when i'm asleep

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