AN: I won't lie, this story is a very blatant rip off of Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin (with some changes to the plot obviously). If you like my version, go read his because it's much more beautiful.
Warnings: Non-magic AU. Trigger warnings.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Giovanni's room.
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"How was I ever supposed to deal with this?" .
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The question, which was never supposed to be have been asked by him, has been spoken. No one was in the room to hear it except for him, but there it still was. There is a drink in his hand; at one point it would have been coffee, but now it's something else. Something far more bitter to bring away the tears that threaten his eyes whenever he thinks about… him.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. Draco was a good kid, brought up by a nice family. He was raised to be highly religious as well, which he was. He wasn't anymore. The events that had transpired had forced those thoughts out of his mind.
All of this, Draco thought, could be placed on him. That man. If he had never met him, Draco's life would have been perfect. But he did meet him and things had never been the same since.
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When Draco first went to Greece, he left behind his family and friends and even his sweetheart, a wonderful girl by the name of Astoria, but he knew he needed to taste something that wasn't home, that wasn't familiar. That's why he went to Greece. He just never would have expected that would be what would happen.
He first met him in a bar; of course it was a bar. It always starts out in a bar. But this was a nice bar, a hotel bar. Draco did not think that he would meet someone like that there.
His name had been Harry. Harry Potter. He was two years older than him and absolutely gorgeous. Draco didn't know that men could be that gorgeous. He was his bartender, and the way that he learned his elbow onto the bar to listen to Draco's order in very carefully practiced Greek made Draco flush in embarrassment.
"You're a foreigner, I take it?" Harry would ask him as he mixed the drink, the question bringing an even brighter blush to Draco's face.
"Where are you from?" The question posed after Draco nodded to the former, withholding his drink until he got a verbal answer.
"England," Draco finally answered, cursing as his accent noticeably affected his words but he was glad once the drink was passed to him, a long well needed sip taken from it. He didn't like the way that Harry was smiling at him; it made Draco nervous.
"I know English." Harry said in that language then much to Draco's surprise; the nervousness was gone and replaced quickly with delight. That almost bipolar change made Harry laugh even more than he had already.
"You're cute." He said, reaching out to pinch Draco's cheek, much to his dismay, the apples of his cheeks still red with embarrassment.
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How the pair of them went from this quiet conversation to tearing each other's clothes off in Draco's room, he would never know. It was probably one drink too many that did it and something about the way English flowed out of Harry's lips.
Draco had never been with a man before, and he told Harry that, but the latter didn't believe him. Still, Harry bent for Draco and Draco took that man and held him close—so close. He had never felt himself as close to anyone as he felt that night with Harry.
The next morning Draco didn't expect Harry to still be there, but he was. That made him smile; he was easily enamored by the beauty of that man and didn't hesitate to gaze upon his sleeping face. Part of him made sure to memorize just how beautiful he looked as the early morning sun illuminated his body.
They shared many mornings like that while Draco stayed in Greece. Every morning Draco marveled at how the sun would shine off of Harry's face and his hair, touching quietly all of the precise spots that made his magnificence shine.
It was one particular morning as Draco was making coffee that he realized something within himself. It was something that instantly terrified him. Why he hadn't noticed it before was what honestly made his fear even worse. It spawned in a dark crevice in his heart and began to consume him the more he thought about it.
When Harry came up behind him, hugging him around the waist, Draco flinched and nearly spilt the coffee. Why his touch, that he had grown to hold so dear, was now instantly vile to him…
"What was that for? Are you okay?" Harry asked, moving to make sure no coffee had got on Draco's hands.
"Y-yeah… I'm fine. You just startled me was all," countered Draco, instantly lying about what it was he had felt just then for Harry. But his eyes gave him away; Harry looked at him suspiciously, not believe his words… But what else did he really have to go on?
The following day, Draco told Harry about his girlfriend back home.
"And?" Had been Harry's old response, lounging on the bed that has so easily become theirs together.
"What do you mean 'and'…" That reaction, Draco didn't know how to take it. Did Harry not understand what that meant?
"Well, are you married to her?"
"No…" 'Not yet,' he thought.
"Then what's the matter asteri mu, agapi mu?" Those nicknames; Draco had never been able to figure out what they meant, but if he had, they probably would have terrified him.
"I will go back to her someday," Draco replied, hoping Harry would understand him.
"Someday is not today, until then you are mine." Harry reached forward after that statement and took Draco's tie into his hand, pulling him down so that their lips would meet.
But Draco's face was frozen and the kiss he returned was not like the ones they had shared in the past. Harry noticed, but pretended not to care.
When they laid together that night, for some reason, the action all the more vulgar and disgusting, yet more beautiful and wonderful than it had ever been before.
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Not long after that night, Astoria came to Greece. She missed Draco and wanted to make sure that he had stayed true, just like he had promised he would. When she got off of the plane, Draco recognized her immediately. Her hair was shorter than before, but those few months apart had somehow increased her beauty. Something Draco could only appreciate on a superficial level. She came over to him and they shared a kiss; his arm went around her shoulder in an almost mechanical fashion.
He didn't return to the room that he shared with Harry that night. Instead, Draco stayed with Astoria. He convinced her, or maybe he was more trying to convince himself, he loved her and wanted to be with her. That night they made plans to get married and then laid together for the first time. It wasn't what Draco expected, but he delighted in the feeling. He forced himself to not think about Harry, for now was not the time for such thoughts to be crossing his mind.
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Three days passed before Draco saw Harry again and seeing him again only reaffirmed his fears. How this man, this… man had managed to wiggle his way so deep into his heart…
"Draco…" He heard the name behind him while out shopping with Astoria. Hearing it made him freeze, but what brought chills over Draco's body was the way that Harry came up behind him and placed his hands on his shoulder blades. "Where have you been…"
Draco knew that Harry had spoken purposefully in Greek so that Astoria wouldn't know what was going on. Nevertheless, she still heard the name, Draco's name, and she turned around.
"Darling~ who is this?" She asked, smiling kindly at Harry as her had almost possessively went into Draco's.
"Astoria… This is Harry Potter." Draco purposefully said their names like that so that Harry would know exactly who it was that he was with.
But Harry didn't care; he still looked at Draco with those eyes. Those green eyes that made Draco want to pull Astoria's hand off of his so he could his own within Harry's. Harry's hand that had fit so perfectly within his own. With those thoughts Draco just moved closed to Astoria.
"Ooooohh, Astoria~? Infamous Astoria…" Harry said with a slight drawl in his words.
The English surprised Astoria, who gave a curious glance between the two men.
"I had stayed with Harry while I was here. A roommate of sorts." 'Yeah, roommate,' Harry thought in response to that, scoffing aloud, "Harry… Astoria and I have decided to get married."
Now that shocked Harry whose eyes went wide with the confession, staring at the two.
"Oh, I see." Was all that he could say at first as the news sunk in. "Well then," he started after he thought for a short time, "we should all go out together; drinks. In celebration!"
"Oh, I don't know…" Astoria said, leaning her head onto Draco's arm. "I've only just got in from England, and Draco has hardly given me a chance to rest at all since I got here. I don't think drinks would be quite appropriate yet…" She blushed as she learned there; Astoria wasn't a drinker at all and the thought of going out with a man she hardly knew scared her a little bit.
"Hmm… How about you Draco? Will you come out for drinks then since your little lady doesn't want to?" There were those eyes again, those suggestive eyes that worked such wonders on breaking down Draco's resolve.
"Maybe later. Or I'll come stop by the room. I need to pick up my things anyway." He said in the most casual of ways that he could, but Harry knew better.
There was a bittersweet smile on Harry's face as he nodded at them, him and the couple parting ways afterward.
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A fortnight passed before Draco was able to go back to that room.
When he arrived, Harry was curled up in the bed with a bottle in his hand. Another empty one sat beside the bed, and their previously shared ash tray was currently overflowing.
"Asteri mu, agapi mu…" He started, holding back a sob that the liquor had induced in him, "Where have you been…"
It took all of Draco's strength to not run to Harry then, to pull him up into his arms and comfort him.
"Harry, you know where I have been." Draco tried to keep his voice casual, even as his barrier was breaking.
"With that woman… that tsoula." The venom in his voice made it obvious what he said, even if Draco didn't know the translation.
"Don't call her that, it's not fair." Despite himself, Draco had moved to the edge of of the bed, but he had yet to reach out for Harry. He didn't need to; when Harry felt the shift in weight on the bed, he turned to face him. The tear tracks that ran down his face, how they made his eyes sink into his skull, revealing everything that was ugly about him while at the same time remaining beautiful. Draco hated it, just like he hated himself for the feelings he had towards that man.
"Draco… Don't leave me." Harry said almost desperately, new tears attacking his already hallowed eyes, eyes that had once held so much luster that Draco couldn't help but down in them. "I know what it is you feel for me, you can't deny those feelings. Please. Please…" Harry moved over towards him on the bed, reaching for Draco's hand to cling to it.
"I can't Harry," Draco replied, letting Harry take his hand. Take his hand and press kisses to each knuckle, sending shivers like electricity through his body. It revolted him, how that man's touch still affected him. "You know I can't…"
"If you cannot love me, I will surely die." Harry choked on a fresh sob, "Before you came to me, I wanted to die… though I never told you before." The revelation was a shock to Draco who stared over at Harry, but it didn't change anything. It just added pity to the mix that he already felt for him. "It's cruel, Draco, to have made me want to live again only to make my death more bloody in the end…"
"You aren't going to die," Draco replied despite himself, holding the hand that held his as if Harry could squeeze some more precious moments of their time together out of it.
But Harry just responded to that with laughter, bitter laughter that only made his features more dreadful.
"I promise you asteri mu, agapi mu I am going to die, for we do all die someday… I just have to assure myself until that time that you will come back to me—"
"I won't came back, Harry…" Draco interrupted, but Harry couldn't hear.
"You will… come back to me and we can stay here in this room and be happy together."
"Happy together? Harry Potter. How can two men be happy together!?" His resolve had broken and Draco was now yelling at him.
"How can they? The same way you suspect to be happy with your little tsoula."
"I said don't call her that! You're delusional Harry if you think that the life I will lead with Astoria would be anything compared to this immoral life we have lead thus far in this room. I cannot stay here, not in this room and not with you!" Draco got up from the bed then and crossed over to where he had kept his things, packing them quickly.
"Immoral? What you are doing to your-… To Astoria is immoral. You are the most immoral man I have ever met in fact! Do you really think that going off with her is just going to erase everything that has happened here? Happened with me? Between US?" Harry had crawled to the edge of the bed by then and was glaring at Draco; he could see him in the mirror that was in front of him, that man who had once been so beautiful now terrifyingly fragile.
"You're right. I can't ignore it," Draco started, stuffing the last bits of his things into his bag before turning to face Harry. "But it is still over. I'll be returning to England with Astoria, where we will marry and have lots of kids. You should do the same thing, Harry. Go back home, back to Wales. Find a girl just like I have."
Before Draco could even finish, Harry was laughing at him.
"Home? Home? Hah. I can't return back there; you call me delusional but you must certainly be insane. To think that I would really want a woman. I had a woman once, and she broke me; that's why I came here. I had wanted to die, Draco, truly … but then I met you. You saved me from that and now you want to take it all away!?" His arms flailed for a moment before stepping off of the bed.
Harry took a few steps across the room, letting his hands come to rest on Draco's chest. His skin recoiled at the action, though his eyes fluttered too. How was it that Harry's touch did that to him?
"Asteri mu agapi mu, file mou." Harry demanded, those dying eyes reaching up for Draco's.
He still didn't know why he gave in to that demand, why he let his lips fold over Harry's in the way they had so many times in the past. Why, after that, they laid together for the final time. Draco figured that maybe he did it out of the pity he had come to feel for Harry. To give him one last good memory to hold onto, but he knew deep down he did it because he loved Harry and couldn't bear to part with him.
In the morning when Draco went to leave, Harry sat on the edge of the bed, naked, watching after him.
"You'll come back to this room," he said to Draco's turned back, flicking the ashes from his cigarette onto the carpet, because he just couldn't bring himself to care anymore.
"Goodbye Harry Potter…" Draco said in reply, opening the door.
"Goodbye asteri mu, agapi mu." Harry said just as the door closed and Draco left.
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Within the week, Draco and Astoria were back in England. They moved into an apartment together and quickly began their wedding plans. Conversely, thanks to a shared friendship with a man named Blaise, Draco was able to keep tabs on what was going on with Harry.
The news was not good.
The men that Harry had always said he reviled had now become some of his best friends. They were always seen together, Harry and those other more whimsical looking men. They caused scenes wherever they went, involving themselves with too much liquor and too many drugs.
"You left him there. In that room," Blaise said to Draco one day when they were on the phone, "Had you stayed, he probably wouldn't have become like this."
"He wasn't my responsibility, Blaise," Draco replied, even if he knew that he was wrong. "What do you expect me to do now? I'm getting married in a few months."
"You really think you can perpetuate that lie? Harry was right, you really are insane." Blaise hung up after he said that, even when Draco had the perfect choice words to reply with.
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Things didn't start to decline until news of Harry's arrest came to Draco's ears. Or perhaps they had already been going downhill before then. The mere sight of Astoria was making Draco sick to his stomach, much like how Harry had made him sick previously. Though, It wasn't until he heard that, that Draco went out to see something—something to make him feel… Make him feel like how he had felt when Harry and he first got together.
Draco left his apartment he shared with Astoria late one night. He'd met a man in a bar who brought him home. The next night that man brought over his friend as well. Everything they did, it was revolting to Draco. He didn't know why he did it—they weren't Harry, but he saw Harry in them. He felt Harry as he entered them, and while he was moving against them. It was all Draco could do to imagine he was back in Greece in that room he had so desperately wanted to escape from earlier.
He stayed there with them for several days; more than he had meant too, but Draco was drowning again. It wasn't until one night when all three of them were at a bar that Draco spotted Astoria's reflection in the mirror behind the bar.
"What's she doing here?" The first man he had met teased, "Isn't she at the wrong bar?" The other man laughed in response, giving him a little high five at the joke.
"Now," Draco started as he turned to look at Astoria," You know."
As Astoria started to back away, Draco moved to go after her.
"Wait," one of the men said, grabbing Draco's wrist. "You… and her?"
"She's my…" Draco didn't have to finish; the man's jaw dropped open and he let go of Draco's wrist. He went after her then, walking through the cold night in silence together just a few feet apart. When they got to their apartment that's when the fight finally happened.
"I suppose I should have known," Astoria started as she went to the closet where they kept their suitcases. "What am I saying—I've always known. Ever since I saw you and that… that man. Henry? In Greece."
"Harry." Draco corrected her automatically, not able to meet her eyes.
But that just fueled her anger more, groaning in frustration as she threw a piece of luggage on the bed.
"Have you been lying to me this whole time Draco?" She asked after throwing some shirts into the suitcase. "Or just lying to yourself, trying to convince yourself to stay with me even when you wanted to go back?" A shoe was grabbed from the closet and she didn't hesitate to throw it at Draco, who blocked it with his arm. "Why did you even come back with me?!"
"I do love you!" Draco said after picking up the shoe, fiddling with the heel with his fingers. "I never lied about that…"
"But when did you stop loving me? Because you can't tell me that you still love me now—not after being there… with them. In… in that place." Astoria couldn't bear the thought of Draco-her Draco being involved with other men in such intimate situations.
"I do love you, Astoria…" Draco repeated himself, even though he could taste how the life felt on his lips. "I have never…" He couldn't even finish the sentence. It was a life, and he couldn't kid himself of that.
And hearing his words falter, Astoria went over to him and snatched back her shoe. After that, she slapped him across the face. "I'm leaving Draco." Because it wasn't already obvious by the suitcase, "I hope you're happy with your choice."
Draco couldn't do much after that. He just watched as she packed her bags and left him there in their shared apartment. That apartment that would quickly become like Draco's prison. He felt himself akin to Harry back in Greece, locked up. He wondered if Harry was alone at night there; if he was crying. Was he sweating, or was he dry? Was he lonely? Thoughts that he didn't want to have about the other man who had permanently left his mark on Draco.
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Several weeks passed; Draco didn't leave that apartment save to get more liquor. Most days he just stood, half dressed, in front of the window just waiting for another phone call from Blaise to update him about Harry's trial that was ongoing.
When the call finally came, Draco had wished he never answered it.
"He's dead, Draco…"Blaise said on the other end of the line. "They found him in his cell this morning, hung from the bunk by his sheets."
Tear choked in Draco's throat as he heard that, hardly able to mutter out the Greek for 'Why'?
"All the note said was 'to asteri mu, agapi mu.' Nothing more."
"Asteri mu, agapi mu. What does that even mean…" Draco said, letting his forehead fall against the glass of the window.
"My English is rusty, but I think it means my star, my lover or something similar," Blaise responded, barely surprising Draco with his knowledge of the English language. Not with the boys who Blaise tended to go after…
"So that's what he thought of me all this time?" Draco question, more asking himself than Blaise. In fact, he didn't even hear Blaise's reply as he hung up the phone.
He was crying freely now, unashamed of it as he slid to the floor, drink still in hand. So he was dead, huh? There was no possibility of ever going back to Greece, back to Harry… Back to that room.
Draco lifted his glass to take another drink, but just glared at its contents and hurled it across the room, watching it shatter on the floor. He didn't care anymore; couldn't care anymore. Harry had been right all along; he would go back to that room. Wanted to go back to that room. But now there was no point to it. There wasn't a point to anything at all anymore.
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AN: I hate lots of notes in fics, but I wanted to comment that if someone recognizes this fic from Livejournal (or even ), it's mine. I copied myself. I knew this fic that I wrote for a different fandom would work SO WELL For Harry Potter… Been thinking about it for MONTHS and I finally caved and did it.
AN2: The Greek was googled. Please use suspension of disbelief in their ability to speak and understand these other languages lol.