The Tower:
Warning: This umm... /is/ a dark-fic? Well if read as a "stand alone" which was my original intention. All will be explained in CH 1 of "Looking for the Lost"... don't worry... it's all part of the show... ducks hate mail
//...// - thoughts. I didn't bother adding special tags for languages, assume everyone is understanding each other just fine ^_^;
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Once you had gold,
Once you had silver,
Then came the rains
out of the blue.
Ever and always.
Always and ever.
Time gave both darkness and dreams to you.
Now you can see
Spring becomes autumn,
leaves become gold
falling from view.
Ever and always.
Always and ever.
No-one can promise a dream come true,
Time gave both darkness and dreams to you.
(Enya- Memory of Trees - Once You Had Gold)
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// He... //
// He's gone... //
Cold hands pressed against the glass as weary eyes gazed over the rolling breakers. The sound of the distant ocean was mournful, its low roar a bass counterpoint to the moaning winds. The tears fell, dampening his face, but he didn't care. His eyes stared at the water as if to look away would break him; desperately searching for /something/, Anything to keep from thinking, from /remembering/. It wasn't working, this too reminded him of what he had lost. Pale fingers pressed harder against the pane as silent sobs wracked him, pride refusing to give further voice to the all-consuming pain.
// ... Ashley... //
The mage didn't feel it when his legs gave out, didn't care as he crumpled slowly to the carpet. Slumped against the glass in the dark room, Sydney instinctively clutched at the thin chain around his neck, but the small Rood's sharp surfaces provided no comfort. It was merely another reminder of what would now never be. Even its silvery sheen was muted in the strange gray half-light that had replaced sun and moon. Like the sky, it looked dead, lusterless.
// ... He's gone... there's no coming back... //
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Chang had to fight hard to remain airborne upon crossing the boundary. His leathery wings struggled against the fierce winds for a moment and the black waters below drew closer than he liked to admit. The moment passed however and regaining precious altitude, he shrugged off the exhaustion that breaching the walls had caused, and fought his way to the distant tower. There was a surprising lack of rain, the parched air burned his lungs.
// It /always/ rains when the cub is unhappy... when he was younger he nearly drowned his forest once over a deceased /horse/... //
The startling dryness to the air was nothing to the shock he received as the land came into view. The tall whimsical tower still stood, a testament to its creators' ingenuity and mixed interests, but the gentle rolling meadows had become desert. The once-carefully-manicured world was crumbling to dust. Circling the tower once, he winged his way inland to get a better look at what had once been a familiar place.
The massive oak was dead. Chang shifted back into his human form and stared in silence at the black and weathered trunk. The leaves had all long since blown away, leaving only a tragic looking collection of branches. Recognizing the beauty still contained in their graceful shape, the Mongolian vaguely wondered if it had died immediately along with its maker, or had suffered the same wasting death as the rest of the region. It had been over fifty years since he had last stood here, either option was a possibility.
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Chang dismissed his wings with a thought, landing gracefully in the tall grass. Even though he visited often he still took a moment to enjoy the world- so different from the soaring peaks of his own- before heading towards the giant oak that marked his true destination.
// They're late. //
He huffed in idle irritation as he stared curiously at a happily buzzing purple bumblebee. The silly insects, apparently a gift from Müllencamp at some point long ago, had thrived on the wild flowers. Despite several attempts to 'correct' or banish them, they had become well ingrained into the otherwise 'normal' setting, yet another quirk to be humorously tolerated. An acorn dropped onto his head.
" Hello, Chang." The droll voice a dead giveaway. Dark eyes shifted upwards in irritation to see the blonde's lazy form draped on one of the larger branches overhead.
"And have you become squirrel, Cub? Where's your mate? It is time for his lesson. " Chang reflexively caught the book that was dropped but merely stood back as the mage slid himself off the high branch and dropped gracefully to the ground.
" Well... that /is/ a good question... he could be in the tower... or swimming in the sea... or perhaps up a tree? " Giving the Asian a saucy wink Sydney craned his neck to peer upwards once more. "Ashley... wake up. Your little friend's here and wants to know if you can come out to play... " His grin grew wider as a muffled grumble could be heard from a higher branch. There was a brief rustling of leaves and then a much larger shape landed, cat-like, beside them. A deep voice out paced Chang's in voicing a mild rebuke.
" Hardly 'playing', whelp... it's an entirely different fighting style, and it has proven useful already. As you well know. "
" ...Playing... " Chang caught himself chewing his mustache in irritation and took a calming breath. " Just because /you/ have never seen it as more than an amusing diversion, Sydney, /doesn't/ mean that it can't be a powerful weapon. You should mind your mate more closely. "
" Lover. "
" What? "
Sydney sighed, " The word is 'Lover', 'Mate' sounds so... /dragon-like/... Every time you say it I get this vision of myself sitting on giant eggs in a grotto somewhere... Neither he nor I are remotely reptilian, nor are you, although you seem to forget more and more with every year..."
" Bah, semantics. " Chang looked askance of the knight who stood watching the exchange. Ashley merely rolled his eyes and pointed towards the field in silent question.
" Off you go now children... play nicely! " Both fighters ignored the smug taunt from long practice and moved some distance away. Shifting into more comfortable fighting garb and giving the shorter man a laconic grin, Ashley waited for the first attack.
" Well... maybe this is /a little/ like playing... but you won't here /me/ telling him that... " The black-haired man smirked at the comment.
" Still keeping secrets after all this time? "
" After two hundred years? Of course, it keeps him on his toes... wouldn't want him getting bored with me... "
" That is a most unlikely event. " Banter done for the moment, the man lunged towards his tall opponent, continuing the battle they had begun many years ago. Feet and fists lashed out in a mesmerizing pattern in the warm summer sun, while under the tree, Sydney returned to his book.
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// I should've come sooner... /someone/ should've come... //
The small man moved sadly away from the tree's remains and across the dusty wasteland. The forest that he walked through to reach the shore was little better. The dead, dry pines and leafless elms hurt to see as he threaded his way along the nearly erased path. It reminded him grimly of the look of scorched earth in the wake of an army. Everywhere there were symbols of pain, not a healing sort of grief, but rather a shocked, harsh screaming thing that ate away at a person and left only a shell. Chang resolutely pushed past the miasma of despair and proceeded towards its center. The tower, the final of several variations that he could recall, stood in solitary splendor overlooking the dark coast, its pale walls easy to detect even in the dim light. There was no physical sign that it still possessed any life, but the Mongolian knew better. Sparing a moment to be amazed at how the building's delicate carvings had remained unharmed by the shrieking winds, he pushed himself inside and began the slow climb upwards.
// Fifty years... Why did no one come? Why did I let Her tell me not to come? //
He knew the answer, he hated himself for it, but he knew; /guilt/. At first there was the horror of the thing, one moment the man had existed, seemingly unstoppable, and the next he was /gone/. Even as far away as his corner of the Shadows, he could feel it, the sudden horrifying /slip/, the /absence/, and the cub's frantic screaming. The screams had been the worst of all. And yet she bid them to wait, to let the mourning man alone, until one by one, the others seemed to forget about him entirely. Chang shuddered at the well remembered sounds of tearing loss and disbelief. He was as much to blame as any of them for the neglect, the avoidance of his duty to one who was almost like his own child. It gnawed at him as he climbed the final staircase into the large bedroom. The gloomy light meant little to him as he peered about, sickly certain of what he'd find. A crumpled form was limply pressed against the window, mindlessly staring out to sea.
// Oh Cub... I'm so sorry... // He simply stood a moment, feeling the raw pain wash over him, and choked back a moan of sympathy. Half a century had not dulled the agony's edge in the slightest. Chang grimly wondered if the mage had even felt the time pass. // Probably not... I doubt he even knows I'm here... // A strained, empty voice proved him wrong.
"... what do you want Chang... " Sydney continued to rest his forehead on the glass, refusing to offer any additional acknowledgement to his unwanted guest.
" I came to talk to you... you've closed yourself off too long, Cub. I was worried about you. " Moving silently, the sage crouched near the unmoving form and hesitating a moment, reached out to touch a shoulder. It flinched away, its owner turning to pin him with a fierce glare.
" I /don't/ recall inviting you... " The hiss was pure venom but tears continued to slowly fall from the gray eyes.
Chang met the glare unperturbed, refusing to show surprise at the tears. The first he had ever seen the man shed. " And just /who/ taught you everything you know about the building and breaking of barriers? hmmm? Although I must admit even the Lady herself would've had some issues with coming here... they were finely crafted... meant to last forever almost... "
" Apparently they weren't good enough... you're here, is she soon to follow? "
" No, Cub. I came on my own. "
" To offer me pity...? Keep it. " Sydney resumed watching the water.
The sage refused to be baited by the bitter voice, firmly dismissing his anger. Thinking for a moment he tried a different tack, hoping to goad the man back into a more healthy frame of mind. " You know, I think I don't like the new you as much as the old one... this one is far too close to the way you were at the very beginning... you were always so angry then... so desperate to prove you needed /no one/... Yes, you've come full circle, but now without the promise for improvement. /He/ would be disappointed. "
" ... get out... " There was no force behind the blonde's words, but Chang braced himself for what would soon come.
" And how long do you intend to stay like this? It won't bring him back you know, there's no coming back from /there/... you have to let go... it hurts, I know... "
" What do /you/ know of my Pain! " The Mongolian almost pulled away as the eyes focused on him once more, their agony readily apparent. He felt it burning into his chest, threatening to consume him, but then it was gone. Sydney ruthlessly closing himself off again, voice a mere whisper. " I wish I were dead... "
Chang took a moment to get himself under control, looking about the room to put to needed distance between him and the new surge of pain. The cultist was apathetic now, but there were obvious signs that he had been more energetic in his grieving. The small man eyed the long claw marks around the room in understanding. He winced at the blood apparent amidst the shards of broken mirror on the far wall. " He never desired to hurt you, Cub."
" He /abandoned/ me. He /left/... just like everyone else... "
" You know better... You know why he did it. Can you honestly tell me that your happiness was more important to you than allowing him to live in honor? " He stared in disbelief as the listless man said nothing. " Sydney! If you can look me in the eye, and tell me that you'd have rather he turn his back on everything he believed in, everything that made him who he was, and give up; all to come back to you... then you're more a monster than that /thing/ was... "
" But he would've still been /here/... "
" No Cub, he wouldn't be... either way you'd have lost him... gone or broken, take your pick. " Chang winced as the mage's icy demeanor broke once more, ruthlessness forgotten, as he hugged himself in desolation.
" ... I know... But it hurts... I want him back... I can't do this alone... "
" Then go, let go and leave here... But don't torture yourself like this... "
" ... I can't... "
The fighter blinked in surprise, " Everyone can /die/, Cub... even here... Livia left over a century ago... and she was our youngest save for you... "
" I promised him... He said /live/... I promised that I would live. He swore that if I did... the he would come back... that he would somehow find his way home... But it's a /lie/! I /know/ it's a lie!.. no one can come back from /that/... I knew it the moment he spoke it... the moment he fell... but I made an oath, and I cannot break it... not when it's all I have left of him... Besides, what's the use of /dying/, if he won't even be in the Dead Lands waiting for me...? "
" I'm sorry..." Chang moved to give the younger man a rare embrace. Sydney neither flinched away nor responded. The cultist was no longer feeling anything, just an unceasing hollowness where his emotions should have been. The brief ranting had sucked the energy from him. He wished the feeling would last forever.
" Was it not you who always told me, 'Never apologize, 'tis a sign of weakness' ? But why come now, Chang. There was little point... unless you derive some pleasure from seeing me like this... What has occurred?... " Tears wiped away, gray eyes looked up at him in distant curiosity.
" 'Tis true... there is more to this visit, as overdue as it is... Sydney, there is something the matter with Müllencamp... something is amiss... 'tis a harsh thing to ask... but I want you to go to her, talk to her... she always liked you best... "
The blonde blinked in disbelief. " 'Something is amiss' ? How could you tell... has she gotten /less/ erratic? Why not send the Quartet, they've known her longest... why not go yourself? You're more important than I... "
Chang winced again. " You've been away for along time, Cub... the Quartet... they're almost gone. They wander like ghosts through their temple barely remembering when and where they are... like Titus...I doubt they'll remain here another year before they let go entirely... As for me, She pays me no attention, I do not think that I amuse her anymore. She has become /cruel/ Sydney... more so than ever before... the Dark rules her passions more and more... There is no longer any control... /any/ reason... She hasn't been the same since /he/ left... it came as quite a shock to /everyone/... "
" Oh... "
" So you'll see her? " The mage blinked thoughtfully at him and turned back to the window.
" No... did she offer assistance to me as he slipped through my fingers? Do you think he /wanted/ to go!? But she did nothing... so let her do as she pleases... I don't care anymore. "
" There was nothing she /could/ do! There was no force anywhere that could mitigate His choice...his sacrifice... " Even in anger the fighter couldn't bring himself to say the long-tabooed name. " Go to her... should she become worse the very order of things could be put into jeopardy! People will die! "
" Let them. "
" Sydney! You /don't/ mean that...! "
" Oh, but I do... he's dead... let them suffer... 'tis all the same to me... "
" That's monstrous. "
" Get out. " There was a definite surge this time, a command that Chang could avoid obeying, but it took his entire focus.
" Not until I've spoken my peace. " The Mongolian grimly adjusted his robe and smoothed his mustache. He watched the younger man eye him challengingly for a moment longer but then shrug, consenting to his presence for a little while longer. " Do you know /why/ he bid you to remain here, Cub? He knew... like I know... your work is not yet done... your purpose... "
" ... my purpose is incomplete?... Why do you suppose that? I already fulfilled my destiny... "
" Did you never wonder that while the rest of us have grown weaker, you have grown strong? Our powers are suppose to grow ever lesser with death, but yours did not... even now you could easily defeat me...if you truly wished it... You have never been /just/ another one of us... "
" Probably due to prolonged contact with the Rood because of /him/... they will fade... and soon no doubt... there is no final chore to complete. "
" I wonder... "
Sydney sighed in annoyance. " Was that all? I'm tired. "
" Just one more thing, Cub. " Chang stood again and joined the mage in staring at the dark water. He felt suddenly sick to say it, but it had to be done. The boy had already had too many unexpected departures from his life, he didn't deserve the pain of /another/. " I... I'm /leaving/. " The response to the quiet statement was immediate. The cultist looked up in shock, ennui forgotten, his eyes confused.
" /Leaving/? You're going to the Dead Lands!? " There was a definite trace of fear in his voice.
" No, Cub. Nothing so mundane... I'm going to go to Reis Peak, the sanctuary for dragons... you've been there with me before. The Shadow Lands... they aren't the paradise they used to be... not for me. I've thought about it for some time now, and I've decided to become a dragon /permanently/... /They've/ invited me to stay and Müllencamp will likely never even realize that I'm gone... "
Sydney stared at him, new pain apparent on top of the old. " Even you... even you leave me... when you're gone there will be no one... I'll be alone. "
" This is why you /must/ talk to her... make her see reason! You can do it... she /listens/ to you... "
" I have nothing left to give... not to her, not to anyone... nothing at all..." He slowly stood, " Fare-you-well Chang, and for what it's worth... I wish you happiness... "
The sage stared at his calm face in disbelief, " What will you do? "
" What I must do... " For a silent moment both of them remembered the echo of /another/ voice, His voice; uttering the same words. Sydney wavered, agony flaring once more in his eyes. " I'm tired Chang... so tired... " He halted the older man's worried approach with a wave. " Go. I needs must build my walls /thicker/ it seems... there is no one left here that I would care to have visit me... "
Chang made to protest, but found himself suddenly ejected, standing alone in the shifting mists beyond the border without feeling any transition.
// Strong... // The barriers sealing off the world were growing more solid and complex as he watched. He stood awhile, staring at the opaque surface, before turning with a sigh to make his way across worlds. Once he arrived, he would join with the Dragon Lords in sealing off the portal to the Shadow Lands. Whatever insanity was about to occur, they would no longer have anything to do with it.
// Good-bye, Cub. //
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Sydney focused with grim intensity on the new wards. He had spoken the truth when he said he wanted nothing to do with the goddess, but there was a limit to the practicality of the statement. The Shadows /were/ Her country, but even she had to obey certain rules. It was just a matter of using them against her, of sealing off every avenue of approach. The mage stood in the center of the room for hours, days, meticulously making corrections. Somewhere in the middle of his work he had found both the ocean and the wind to be too distracting, unnecessary, now they were both still and silent. Exhausted from his labor he let himself relax somewhat as he stared over the now glassy smooth surface, and the pain came flooding back. The mage was once more left with nothing to do but /think/. He didn't notice when the tears began again, he simply staggered to his bed and curled up in a shuddering ball, not bothering to reach for a blanket.
// ... Ashley... //
// Mother looked so peaceful when she died... so quiet... so serene... as if she was sleeping... as if a gentle shake would wake her. They were /furious/ with me, sneaking to her room late at night, I shook her... for so long.... but she never woke... never heard me begging her to come back. The look in his eyes when they found me... I knew... I knew things would never be the same again... that look... He never said good-bye to me when he turned me over to the cult... I was simply an unpleasant memory being disposed of, like last year's fashionable coat. I thought you hated me... blamed me... I understand now, father, that /look/... I saw it again, you see... just the other day... in the mirror... //
His sobbing breaths were the only sound he could hear, his world was silent, static, dead.
// But mother looked so happy... as if she were sleeping, dreaming sweet dreams forever... If there are no distractions... With no one to wake me... maybe I can sleep forever too... Will I dream of you I wonder?... Ashley...? I miss you... //
Sydney's tears slowly dried as he fell into a restful oblivion.
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Wahhh! /grim/! /And/ we have to wave good-bye to Chang! Not that he's dead... actually he may make another appearance later... I dunno. Wow, this little depressing fic has been in the back of my head since... hmmm well a while... I'm surprised I could actually finally write it, angst isn't my forte... So what's the deal w/ the rain comments... umm it's like this... Sydney never cries.. well ok he cried once when his mom died but he was like 5yrs old... so he used to use rain as a sort of "outlet" when he was depressed... but this time he actually cries /real/ tears... significant maybe? later? who knows... I'm bad at symbolism...
I've been on one hell of an Enya kick lately.... new album and all... oddly she and Moby really help me "think Sydney"... wonder why... The song I quoted above actually has an even more deliciously depressing 3rd verse... or is it 4th.... I was waffling about tacking the whole thing up there... but it takes up too much space as is... : ) Big thanks to shepardsmoon.net for the lyrics.
Stay tuned for the next installment of the fic (/No/ I'm /not/ ending it here... I like /happy/ endings... I just like making them /work/ a bit for it...; ) "Looking for the Lost" Where we will find out "Just what happened to the big oaf, anyway?"
Right then. See you later.
Lunar.