Hey guys!
Not much to say here - just a little one-shot, post-Fault. We all know the significance of Fault so... ANYWAY...
Do enjoy; ily xoxo
Never Say Goodbye
She was in a fog as she shuffled into her Manhattan apartment after what was pretty much the longest day of her life. She still felt a pain in her side from the way she funnily landed in the warehouse, the cut on her neck was stinging ever so slightly, reminding her of the trying day she had. Her back ached, her legs were screaming for her to sit down and rest.
But nothing hurt as much as her heart as her partner's words replayed in her head;
"We both chose each other over the job; we can never let that happen again, otherwise we can't be partners."
She shut down after that. He didn't want to be her partner anymore? Had this day fucked him – fucked them – up so badly that he couldn't even stand to be around her anymore? Part of her was even wondering if he would've rather she died rather than that little boy. She tried to shake that thought off, but it wasn't going anywhere. Everything was nagging at her, causing the tears to well up in her brown eyes and her heart to break a little more.
She blinked the tears away as she shuffled over to the sofa before plopping down onto the soft cushions. She hugged a pillow to her chest and curled her legs under her, burying her face into the softness of the object in her arms as the tears began to drip down her cheeks. She squeezed her eyes shut, swallowing hard in a bid to stop the sob from escaping her lips. His words from earlier were ringing in her ears now, the words that cut her deep, words that she never thought she would hear from him;
"I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue."
She had always questioned her ability to keep up with her male counterparts in this unit and had always felt that need to prove herself and prove that she could keep up in this male dominated industry. The fact that her partner had said those words to her earlier hurt her more than anything else, and she wondered if he always secretly felt like this. Did he always see her as this rookie detective that had been stuck with him as his partner? She always thought he believed in her and knew that she was a great cop; hell, he had said it before, that she was a great cop and that he was proud of her. Did he not feel like that anymore?
She sniffed, pulling her phone from her pocket. She flipped it open, her fingers dancing over the screen as she sent a text;
'8:45pm – Hey Case; I'm sorry it's so late. Can you come here please? I just need my best friend.'
Her phone buzzed in an instant;
'Casey: 8:46pm – I'm on my way.'
The night air was cool against his skin as he drove along with the window down ever so slightly. There was no music on. The only sound was to be heard was that of the city as he drove back into Manhattan. This long drive back had given him time to think about the day, and boy, was there a lot to think about.
Upon leaving the hospital, he had felt like such a bastard. He took the long way back, the lengthy drive giving him the time to think about the actions of the day, especially his actions. He was angry at this whole situation, at this whole case. They were supposed to bring back two kids safe and sound, not one girl that was so ridiculously traumatized after being kidnapped following the brutal slaying of her mother and stepfather and having her brother's throat slit right in front of her. Cases with kids always hit him quite hard, but this one; damn, was he struggling with it. All afternoon, he had been thinking about that little boy, how he was right there in front of him, how he had been so close to grabbing the child and saving him.
But, when he saw Gitano slice Olivia's neck and watched his partner crash to the ground, he panicked. He was suddenly faced with a harrowing decision; save the child or save Olivia? He struggled with the decision; the little boy was just standing there, Olivia was laying on the ground with her hands on her neck. He chose the latter; he turned away and ran over to Olivia, praying that she was alright. There was blood, so much fucking blood, pouring out of her neck. She was pushing him away, telling him to go after Gitano.
But he was too late, Gitano had slit the little boy's throat and ran off with the little girl.
It could've gone either way, he knew that. He heard the EMT say that a few more centimeters and Olivia would've been dead. What if he had saved the boy and Olivia truly did need him? He didn't know that Olivia didn't necessarily need him, didn't know that she would push him away and tell him to go get Gitano. What if he had managed to save the boy and Olivia, but killed the little girl instead? There was no right or wrong in this situation. It was pure chaos. But with already feeling fed up with his life and feeling like everything around him was crashing down, he was angry. He was so angry at the world.
He cringed at his actions from later in the day, allowing his anger and rage to spill over the edge. She was the closest target and he blew up at her, basically telling her it was her fault when every part of him was screaming that it wasn't, to shut up and tell her he was sorry. She argued back with him at first, but he knew he had gone way too far when he blurted out the words in a fit of rage;
"I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue!"
He watched her eyes go wide and her mouth open ever so slightly in shock. He could see the tears well up in her eyes, and it was then that he knew he had gone too far. He should've never even said those words because he sure as hell didn't mean them. He chose to be angry at her when he was angry with the situation. He was just about to launch into an apology when Cragen came around the corner, shouting for them to knock it off. When she didn't speak to him for the rest of the day – other than when spoken to – he knew he had gone too far.
But despite how much of an asshole he had been to her, she kept Gitano talking in a bid to spare his life. When Gitano had that gun to his head, all he could think about was that little boy and how he hadn't saved him, even though he had done what any other partner would do. He knew deep down that Olivia would've never caused his death, but this whole situation was starting to make them both think about some things they weren't ready to deal with, especially him. When he saw her raise that gun, prepared to risk his life in hopes of getting Gitano, he stared into her eyes and told her that it was alright, while she responded with a simple 'I'm sorry'. He closed his eyes, preparing for the shot, but the sniper beat him to it.
He opened his eyes. He saw the tear stains on her cheeks. The two just stared at each other, and he wanted nothing more than to run over and wrap her up in his arms, to tell her that he was sorry for what had happened today, sorry for what he said.
But what did he do? Go and screw it up even further by telling her that they couldn't choose each other over the job anymore, or else they couldn't be partners. 'I'm such an idiot.' He thought to himself as he continued driving. He had no idea why he even said that. He knew Olivia. He knew how her mind worked. He needed to apologize to her and he needed to do it fast. He didn't want to lose Olivia as his partner; she really was all he really had left and truthfully, he didn't want to wreck that.
He parked the sedan with the other squad cars; he noticed the other sedan – the one Olivia had been driving – was parked already. He took a deep breath, deciding that as soon as he got upstairs, he would lead her to the cribs or to the roof, and they would sort this out.
He got out and went inside, rushing to get out of the cold evening air. He went upstairs to the squad room, looking around straight away only to see Munch and Fin sitting at their joined desks, chatting as they did some paperwork. The door to the captain's office was closed even though the light was still on, and a few other personnel were scattered around, doing some work as well.
But there was no sign of Olivia.
"Hey, where's Liv?" he wondered as he walked up to the two detectives at their desks. Both of them looked up; Munch had a raised eyebrow while Fin was glaring at him.
"Somewhere not wanting to talk to you, Elliot." Munch replied, shaking his head in despair.
"Guys- "
"Whatever you did, you need to make it right," Fin leaned back in his chair as he looked up at the man, "She came to drop the keys off; said she'd do her paperwork in the morning. She was close to tears man, so I don't know what the hell is going on; I know it goes beyond this morning. Whatever it is, I know you did it."
"I didn't mean to alright? I screwed up." Elliot held his hands up, sighing. He really had screwed up; completely and utterly screwed up.
"You've gone past the level of screwed up, Elliot." Munch chimed in. Elliot sighed. Olivia was like a little sister to both Munch and Fin – especially Fin – and both men were just as protective over her as Elliot was. They always sided with her when he and her were having a fight, because most of the time, it was down to his temper even though she could give it as good as she got. However, hearing that she was once again near tears earlier was something that made his heart hurt more than it already was. To know that he was most likely the reason for her tears as something that made him want to die inside.
"Did she say where she was going?" he asked.
"She probably went home; she didn't look like she was up for much tonight." Fin shrugged. Elliot nodded before rushing out of the squad room, sighing to himself as he did so. He had to go talk to her, and he had to go do it now.
"I just don't know what I did wrong, Casey; Elliot just completely lost it at me today and he doesn't want to be my partner? What did I do wrong?"
Casey Novak was sitting on the comfortable sofa of her best friend, her legs curled under her whilst her friend leaned her head on her shoulder. When she had arrived about fifteen minutes earlier, Olivia instantly fell into her arms and started crying, as if the flood gates had opened and she could no longer contain herself. Now, the two were sitting on the sofa together; Casey was simply running her fingers through Olivia's honey blonde tinted hair whilst the woman cried her eyes out on her shoulder.
"Olivia, you did nothing wrong and you know that," Casey pressed a light kiss to her friend's forehead, "You and Elliot go through the motions all the time, but I think today – it just got a little out of control today. You'll make up as usual, right?"
"Casey, he literally questioned my abilities and made me feel like shit in front of a bunch of people in and out of the squad room," Olivia sniffled a bit, "Then tells me that we shouldn't choose each other over the job anymore; isn't that what the fuck I'm supposed to do? Make sure he gets home safe? He made me feel like I did something wrong; and all day I've been feeling like maybe he should have let me die."
"You know as well as I do Elliot didn't mean what he said to you, and you also know that he would never let you die so don't even say that." Casey retorted.
"He sure as hell has done a great job making it seem like if he hadn't run to me, he'd have saved the little boy," Olivia sat up a bit more, wiping her eyes though more tears were falling; "And I've been feeling like that too. A child died because Elliot ran to me when I didn't need his help, and-"
"And did you tell Elliot to run to you? Did you scream for him to come to your aid?" the blonde raised an eyebrow to her brunette friend. Olivia drew a plump bottom lip in between her teeth, shaking her head.
"Well no, but-"
"But nothing," Casey cut her off. "Gitano was a fucking sick bastard, Olivia; if he hadn't killed the little boy, he would've killed the little girl; that's how fucking sick he was. This isn't your fault, and hell this isn't Elliot's fault either. I know it's hard to hear, but sometimes these things happen, don't they? That's the horror in the job we do. Have you thought about what would happen if you had really needed Elliot and he ran to save the boy instead? Or what would've happened if he managed to get you both and Gitano killed the little girl instead? Liv, this could have gone either way, but don't feel guilty. This isn't on you or Elliot, this is on Gitano; and you know that."
She paused to hand her friend another tissue, muttering away; "Besides, we all know why he didn't hesitate to run and save your life."
"Huh?" Olivia wondered, looking at her friend. Casey scoffed, folding her arms across her chest as she eyed her friend. However, Olivia was giving her a blank look, confused as to what she was talking about. When Casey realized she wasn't answering, she tilted her head to the side;
"Liv, you do know that Elliot's in love with you – right?"
"Oh my God, don't even go there," Olivia stood up abruptly, "No Casey; Elliot's not in love with me."
"You can't have seriously not noticed it, Liv."
"Noticed what Casey? If he was in love with me, he'd have made a move since he's been single."
"The way he looks at you, Olivia; like you're the best thing that's going in his life," Casey stood up, making her way to the window where Olivia was standing;
"Or the way his eyes light up when you walk into the squad room. I've been with you two together; he's protective over you – more so than he already was – or the way he subtly puts his hand on your back or nearly kills anyone that even so much as looks at you the wrong way. Today just proved it, but I think he wasn't ready to face it and with everything that's going on with his divorce, it all just boiled over the edge."
"What's going on with his divorce?" Olivia wondered, swallowing hard as she looked at him.
"Kathy's claiming he's an unfit parent because of his crazy schedule, and basically trying to turn the kids against him," Casey shrugged when she noticed the raised eyebrow she was getting from Olivia; "His divorce lawyer is an old friend from law school, and he asked me to help him put together a solid case that'll ensure Elliot can keep seeing his kids regularly."
"Why didn't he tell me all this?" Olivia swallowed.
"You know how Elliot is, Liv; doesn't want you to worry about him too much," Casey wiped some lingering tears away with her thumb, "Listen, Elliot went to far today I know, but you also know how he is when he gets too angry and it all boils over. He's not angry with you, he's angry with the situation. He almost lost you today, Liv; and you almost lost him too; both of you know what this is really about, that-"
"That I'm in love with him too," Olivia swallowed, finally speaking the words out loud, "I…I'm in love with my partner."
"I gathered that around the first time I met you guys, and Alex noticed too," Casey looped an arm around her shoulder, leading her friend towards the hallway bathroom, "The way you looked at him, the way you go to bat for him, the way you're always comforting him and looking out for him. The bond between you both; it's more than a partnership, you both know that."
She pushed her towards the bathroom; "Wash your face, honey, then call Elliot; talk to him."
Olivia nodded her head, whispering a thanks to her friend before closing the door behind her. Casey sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, rolling her eyes whilst smirking to herself. Her two friends were the most complicated, stubborn people in the world. But, she knew they would work this out. They were Elliot and Olivia, and no matter how hard things were, they worked it out. 'That's what you do when you love someone,' she thought to herself, 'You work it out.' She put the tissue box back on the counter and tidied up the pillows, only to be interrupted by a knock on the door. She glanced towards the bathroom before making her way to the door, checking the peephole as it was rare anyone showed up at Olivia's place, especially at this hour.
Her eyes went wide, it was Elliot. She tugged the door open, a small smile on her lips as she eyed him.
"Damn, you got here quick, Stabler; I didn't know she called you already." She remarked, stepping aside so that he could come in. Elliot gave her a confused look.
"What are you talking about, Casey? She didn't call me; I was on my way over here." He explained. Casey opened her mouth to speak, only to be interrupted by the sound of the bathroom door opening and Olivia's voice;
"Case, who was at the d-"
She stopped, eyeing the man standing in the middle of her living room. She had her phone in her hand, clearly prepared to give him a call, but he was already here. She glanced at Casey, who looked confused as well, before she then looked back at Elliot.
"El…uh," she swallowed, wrapping her arms around herself, "I…I…um…I was just about to call you." She had a shy look on her face, her gaze flicking from her partner's face to the floor. Casey realized she should probably leave them to talk, and so quickly grabbed her jacket and keys and gave Olivia a quick hug and peck on the cheek. She promised to text when she got home, before bidding them farewell and leaving. Olivia closed and locked the door behind her before looking at Elliot yet again, whom was still standing in the middle of her floor.
"Um, please sit." She gestured for him to sit down. Elliot did just that while Olivia made her way into the kitchen area. She got them both a beer, before joining him on the sofa, though she sat as far away as possible with her legs curled under her.
The two sat in silence for a moment. Elliot was leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees; Olivia was fiddling with the label on the beer bottle. Both of them knew they needed to talk, but they didn't know exactly where to start. So much had been said today, so many things they couldn't take back now, but something else had been revealed today. They both knew exactly what it was and neither of them were ready to face it, but it was obvious now and they needed to just get it out of the way.
"I'm sorry."
She looked up, swallowing as she heard his voice. It was rare that Elliot ever did apologize for anything. Well, it was rare for her to apologize for anything as well. Their version of an apology was buy coffee or Chinese and watch a movie together to show that they were cool. Verbally stating the words 'I'm sorry' was something they never did, so the fact that he had just done this, showed that this was deep; deeper than she was prepared for. Her first instinct was to run already, but she wouldn't allow herself to do that. She wouldn't run from this.
"Everything is so screwed up," he spoke softly, not even looking at her but instead at the untouched beer on the table; "My marriage fell apart – I'm glad it did because I wasn't happy, but she's trying to take my kids from me completely and they're pretty much my world. That kid today – all I saw in him was my son, and the fact that, that sick bastard just killed him and discarded him like trash; it destroyed me inside."
He let out a sigh, running his hand down his face. Olivia could see that there were tears welling in his blue eyes, and as much as she wanted to put her hand on his shoulder to comfort him, she couldn't move. She was frozen to her corner in the couch, her hands clasped around the cold glass bottle as she watched him.
"You gotta know that I didn't mean anything I said to you," he swallowed hard, "It wasn't your fault or my fault; Gitano would've killed one of those kids anyway – or both of them really – if we hadn't gotten to him in time. But, I was just so angry at everything, that I took it out on the one person that puts up with me and helps me to calm down again. Dammit, I'm such a bastard."
She still said nothing; she simply stared at him as tears began to stream down her cheeks again.
"I know you can do your job, Olivia; you've always been the stronger one of the two of us, especially emotionally, but I never meant to ever say that, I don't even think that you're not capable," he was rambling a bit, "I'm just sorry I ever said that to you; I believe in you so much Olivia and you're one of the greatest, strongest cops I know; I'm so sorry."
He paused for a bit, taking a minute to compose himself;
"When I saw that knife and then saw you hit the ground, I panicked. When I ran to you instead of the boy, I panicked. I saw all the blood on your hands, and I panicked some more, but you told me to run off and go after Gitano. Liv, I didn't want to leave you then, but you told me to go. That scared me, and then when you wouldn't pull that trigger on Gitano because he was holding the gun to my head, that scared me too. Me and you; we were choosing each other over the job and I just – I panicked some more because that would mean things were changing, and as much as I want things to change, I'm scared if they do, I'll screw up and lose you too, like I lost my family. That's something I can't do; I never want to have to say goodbye to you, Liv; because if I lost you, it would be like losing my heart."
He buried his face into his hands, his shoulders starting to shake slightly whilst a slight sob escaped his lips. Olivia swallowed, his words replaying in her mind on a loop whilst the tears slipped down her cheeks. She knew what he was subtly saying, she also knew that saying it would make it more real. She knew how that felt completely; when she revealed to Casey earlier that she was in love with Elliot, it made it more real and that scared her.
She was scared too; scared of this.
She put the beer bottle onto the table before finally shuffling closer, placing her hand on his back. She leaned closer and rested her head on his shoulder, keeping her hand on his back whilst she closed her eyes. She swallowed the lump in her throat, stroking her other hand up and down his arm as she began speaking;
"I know you're sorry, and I'm sorry too – for everything," she sniffled a bit;
"I'm scared, I'm really scared. Almost losing you today really just – it scared the shit out of me, Elliot. I always know it's a chance of us getting hurt whenever we're in this job, and you're my partner so I should be prepared for this stuff, but the fact that it was me that could've easily caused your death, it scared me so much…I couldn't take the risk. If I had caused your death, that would've destroyed me completely – and not just because you're my partner. You are right; things are changing, and it fucking scares me so much and I want to run, but I can't do it."
She reached around and cupped his face, finally turning his head enough so he'd look at her. His eyes were red from the crying he had been doing; she wiped a couple tears away with her thumbs;
"I can't run, because if I run somewhere without you, I won't feel whole. Elliot, no matter what happens, you won't screw up. You did everything you could to keep your family, you know how to keep a family. It's me that's worried about screwing up because I'm not good at keeping people in my life; it's a miracle that you've stuck with me this long-"
"I always want to stick with you, to walk with you, to run the streets with you – I just want to always be with you, Olivia," he wrapped his arm around her, stroking his hand against the bare skin of her waist that presented itself after her shirt had risen up slightly,
"Liv…I would choose you over this job a million times over. I'm sorry I said all that back there; I always want to be your partner, because you're the only person that keeps me sane, the only person that can understand me, the only person that'll argue with me and call me on my shit, the only person that knows everything about me and still doesn't judge me – you're everything…and…and…I'm…I'm in love with you."
Bulls eye. He said it. She watched him swallow the lump in his throat, watched the tears slide down his cheeks. He said it, he made it more real. Now, it was her turn.
"Elliot, I want all those things with you too because you're all those things for me as well," she bit her lip, stroking his cheek as she looked at him through a haze of hot tears;
"I would choose you over this job a million times over, because I'm in love with you too."
They stared at each other for a second. Blues poured into browns, breathing was in sync, hearts were beating wildly. The seven years as partners, the bond, the days events, the fights, the laughs, the late night talks over Chinese, beer, and bad movies – all of that, had led to this moment.
Neither of them knew who made the move first; all they knew is that their lips in the middle. Olivia slid her arms around his neck whilst Elliot's arms snaked around her middle pulling her as close as he could possibly do. She maneuvered around and slid into his lap without even breaking their kiss, their tongues dancing together as they clung to each other, their tears mixing together and dropping onto his clothed chest. His large hands stroked up and down her back, clinging to her tiny waist; they lost themselves in each other, finally facing their feelings – and the fear – head on.
They pulled away after a few moments, their heads resting against one another as they breathed heavily. Elliot tilted his head up to kiss her forehead then her nose, before hugging her as tight as possible.
"I love you, Liv."
"I love you too, El."
He kissed her shoulder, before standing up with her in his arms. She clung to him as she wrapped her legs around his waist, kissing his cheek a couple times, whispering how much she wanted him to make love to her. He carried her into her bedroom and closed the door behind them, before falling into bed with her, their lips locked once again whilst their hands roamed each other's bodies.
This was the start of something special, and they both knew that no matter what happened, they would never leave each other. This was forever.
Leave some reviews guys. I hope you all enjoyed this; I love you all. Until next time.. xoxo