Everyone's seen Akira Kurosawa's Seven Samurai, right? Well, being such a well-known Samurai film, it occured to me that there was no way that Maya hadn't seen it. This idea began forming right after, and here it is. It's kind of random, but please bear with me and remember that Maya is telling the story. I tried to stay as close as possible to the original plot, but I know it doesn't follow at times. Anyway, Ace Attorney Investigations is out today. Hooray! Oh, and enjoy my story and all that.
Seven Samurai, Maya's Version
Phoenix moaned. Hard. Seventeen years old and you'd think she wouldn't be in need of bedtime stories anymore, but no. That, sadly, was a reality he would likely never see. He knew he had said that she'd always be "Daddy's little girl", but this was just ridiculous. He sat on the bed, pondering as best he could over the racket that Trucy was making about her bedtime story.
He blinked, and snapped his fingers.
"Maya!" he called, cupping his hands around his mouth. "Remember how you owe me from the poker game last weekend?" An audible sigh could be heard from the living bedroom over the blare of a Steel Samurai recording. "Get in here!"
There was some shuffling and groaning, and a disgruntled woman in a Master's robe with unruly raven hair appeared in the doorway, grumbling under her breath. "Can it wait? It's been two weeks since I've seen this one."
He laughed, patting the spot on the bed next to him. "Trucy wants a bedtime story. Now." Instantly Maya's face went as white as a sheet and she sat down in a flash.
She tilted her head to the side in thought. "Ah!" she said after a moment, placing her fist in her palm. "I've got it: Seven Samurai!"
Phoenix raised an eyebrow, staring at her. "Uh… Trucy's already seen that, you know. Wouldn't that be kind of—"
She winked at him, grinning. "Trust me on this," she whispered as she turned to face Trucy. "Alright, here we go!"
So, uh… Well, a long time ago, in the Sengoku period, there was a village of farmers that were constantly robbed by bandits. One year, the bandits came again, but they had just ransacked it the year before, so they told the people that they'd be back once the… Burgers… Were harvested—
"Hold it!" Trucy yelled, cutting Maya off. "I thought burgers were made from cows?"
"Well, yeah," Maya replied sheepishly, "But this is make-believe, so let me continue."
Uh… Where was I…? Oh, yes. So the villagers got all scared and ran off cowering to the village elder, Old Man Kudo. Kudo was kinda grumpy, so they liked to stay away from him, but they had no choice. Now, being a rather grumpy old man, he snapped at them to "Go find some Samurai or something! You know, back in my day, we couldn't afford Samurai, we had to hire Ronin, and you know what? Most of 'em were barely out of training. Couldn't even swing a decent sword two inches! Now, if I were a Samurai, boy, lemme tell you, it'd be— "
One of the villagers, a younger one named Rikichi Cody, along with his timid friend, Yohei Apollo, went off to the village as quickly as he could to find some decent Ronin who didn't cost much and could fight well, he himself idolizing Samurai.
Phoenix gagged on his grape juice, momentarily interrupting Maya.
As they walked into town, he noticed a lot of people huddled about a house. They asked around- apparently a kidnapping of a little girl named Pearl had taken place at the hands of the famous criminal Mask*deMasque. It seemed hopeless, but Cody noticed an aged Samurai dying his hair white and putting on a silver mask. Disguised as, well, a cosplayer, he scared off the thief and returned the girl to her grateful mother, introducing himself as Kambei Armando.
Phoenix gagged again.
Cody, getting his hopes up, followed Armando for a bit, but a lad named… Uh… Katsushiro Phoenix stopped him, begging to be trained as his disciple. Armando thought for a bit, then said to simply travel with him as a fellow.
Phoenix gave up gagging, perceiving that if he continued that way, he'd be doing a lot of that.
Finally, after a few nervous attempts stopped by a clown called Larry Kikuchiyo, Cody summoned up his courage and asked Armando to defend the village from the bandits. He accepted, much to Cody's happiness, but on the condition that they would be given time to find more Samurai.
"Question!" Trucy piped up, raising her hand. "How many are there going to be?"
Laughing, Phoenix stared at her. "I thought you watched the movie…?"
"Oh yeah…"
As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, they went into the city. Many a Samurai passed them, but most were too proud to even consider the possibility of protecting a farming village. However, at last Armando found a skilled Samurai named Gorobei Edgeworth—
Both Trucy and Phoenix burst out laughing as they compared the two's looks together, once again irritating Maya.
Keep this up and I'm stopping the story. Anyway, Gorobei Edgeworth happily joined the party, who went on to recruit Heihachi Gumshoe, interested mainly in the food for pay, after seeing the latter's skills at eating instant cup ramen, interested in his character. At the same time, Kambei Armando found his old friend, Shichiroji Mia, the only female Samurai around, who more-or-less gladly rejoined her friend, bringing the Samurai total up to four.
That night, plans were made to return to the village, being short on time. In lieu of Samurai, Armando finally acknowledged Katsushiro Phoenix as a true Samurai. Also, a famous warrior and guitarist, Klavier Kyuzo—
Trucy let out a small wolf-whistle and some silent claps at this.
-joined the group, wanting to both better himself as a Samurai and to pick up a girl or two. Setting out, the group traveled back to the village, led by Apollo and Cody, and followed by Larry Kikuchiyo from a distance. When they got back, no one was to be found, but when the lunch bell was rung, the people rushed out, clamoring for the Samurai to help them get past the long lines.
Phoenix settled for snorting.
It turned out that the lunch bell was a false alarm, rung by Larry as a test. He rebuked them for not welcoming them, but swarming the group at the first sign of distress. In this way, Kambei Armando welcomed him into the group, thus completing the Seven Samurai.
Each of the Samurai set about helping the village in some way or another: Armando and Edgeworth surveyed the area and plotted strategies, while the others, Mia, Klavier, Gumshoe, and Larry, trained both themselves and the townspeople.
Trucy raised her hand again. "How were they trained?"
Maya shrugged in response. "I dunno, they taught them how to point and yell 'Objection' or something. Can I continue?"
"Sure."
Meanwhile, while training in the hills, Katsushiro Phoenix got sidetracked and met a girl who was picking flowers, Shino Iris. They fell in love, and began seeing each other.
Phoenix glared at the oblivious Maya, who was much too busy having fun with her story to notice.
However, trouble began to brew- finding armor in the house of a rather distrusting villager named Manzo Kristoph, Larry revealed that the villagers had murdered and stole from defenseless Samurai in the past, inadvertedly revealing in his deep, heated, thoughtful, insightful, passionate speech regarding the turmoil of society that he himself was born as a farmer. Their anger turning into shame, the Samurai backed down and continued preparations without any animosity.
As construction went on, a few of the bandits launched scouting attacks on the village. They managed to capture one, and, threatening to show him dirty pictures of Mosuke Payne, managed to extract the hideout's location. Using this new information, some of the Samurai attempted a raid, but though the attack is successful, Heihachi Gumshoe is killed saving Rikichi Cody.
Tears began flowing down Trucy's cheeks, and she reached for a tissue and blew loudly. Maya stopped and paused, rubbing at her eye as well.
Angered, the bandits finally launched their attack. However, most of their first attacks were easily repelled by the villagers, using such techniques such as Gorobei Edgeworth's Death Glare, Kambei Armando's Coffee Throw, and Katsushiro Phoenix's Piano Playing.
Phoenix laughed, then blinked, then started to yell at Maya, but she didn't give him the chance.
Several are even killed using these attacks, but have three Samurai Spears, giving them an immense advantage. During the night, Kyuzo Klavier and Kikuchiyo Larry conduct additional raids, taking the Samurai Spears for themselves. But, in the process, additional casualties at the hands of a strike force of bandits are caused by their absence. They are stopped, but at the cost of the lives of Gorobei Edgeworth and Yohei Apollo.
Trucy and Phoenix both were saddened by the first death. Trucy cried harder with the second, but Phoenix became rather indifferent.
The next day, the villagers employed a risky strategy that ends up paying off big- they form mostly a wall with their spears, but leave a small hole between Rikichi Cody and a wall. Directly behind the human wall, a load of Snackoos is placed, luring bandits in through the hole. The single bandits are easily killed after that.
That night, Kambei Armando sensed that the next day wouldl end everything, and instructed the people to prepare accordingly. However, Katsushiro Phoenix was nowhere to be found. When they went looking for him, they found him kissing Shino Iris.
A loud splutter interrupted Maya again. Phoenix apologized, then went off to find a towel to clean the grape juice from his shirt.
Uh… Well, the whole affair was revealed. Following a lot of outrage at first, people began to see the cuteness of the pairing and went off to go write fanfics about it, thus providing morale to the makeshift soldiers.
There was a bit of silence. Trucy and Maya looked at each other for a second, then burst into hysterics just in time for Phoenix to come back. He looked at them quizzically, but decided against it- he had long since decided doing so was much easier on his sanity.
In the morning, the last of the thieves made one last, desperate attack. Kambei Armando let them all in at once, then encircled and trapped them. This way, most were easily killed, but in the confusion, the bandit leader, von Karma, made his way to an empty hut with the remaining musket, and shot Kyuzo Klavier from the shadows.
Katsushiro Phoenix, angered at the loss of his friend and more-or-less rival, charged blindly at von Karma, but once again, Kikuchiyo Larry got in his way. Larry was shot down as well, but not before throwing off his enemy's strategy with his completely nonsensical testimony. Von Karma died of confusion.
Trucy, clearly torn between crying or cheering, chose to remain silent.
The battle was finally won. The villagers were free to do what they pleased, and quickly set about throwing yet another party for the defense. However, they didn't feel like celebrating. The remaining Samurai, three of a party of seven, were left to mourn the graves of their friends. Shino Iris showed up to comfort Katsushiro Phoenix, while Kambei Armando and Shichiroji Mia conversed amongst themselves.
"Defeated again…" Armando muttered. "The farmers won. Not us, Kitten. Not us. I've never won a battle. Still haven't."
The banner of the Seven fluttered in the dust.
Clapping erupted on Trucy's behalf, with polite applause from Phoenix. Maya bowed to both, grinning. "Well? What'd you think?"
"Perfect! I've never heard anything better!"
"Could use a little bit of fine-tuning." Phoenix got up and yawned. "Get to bed, Trucy. I'm going to go reintroduce myself to the grape juice cooler."
Maya glared at him full-force, startling him back into his seat. She smiled innocently. "Oh, you're not going anywhere, Nick. You have to hear my next story, too!"
"Y- Your what…?"
"My next story, of course. This one's going to be even better!"
Trucy pleaded with him, making puppy eyes. "Please, Daddy? It won't take long! Pretty please…?"
He sighed and swore under his breath, knowing exactly how much he was going to end up regretting it. "Ugh… Fine…" he muttered, collapsing into his chair and crossing his arms moodily.
"Yay! Thank you, Daddy! And you too, Maya!"
Alright, alright, settle down. Now… A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, on the distant planet of Tattoine, there lived a young boy named Phoenix Skywalker…