A horse ran off with the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just more madness from my tiny little mind…
The Tuntmont Stakes
"Hello Mallory," Lana walked into Archer's hospital room. "How is he doing?"
Mallory sighed as she sat there. "Still unconscious. Which is pretty much like any other weekend for Sterling. Where's AJ?"
"Ron's watching her," Lana said. "Do you need anything?"
"I need my son to wake up," Mallory sighed. "And a drink…"
"I can help with the second one," Lana took out a flask from her purse and gave it to Mallory.
"About time!" Mallory took a drink. "I've been dry all afternoon. Dare I ask what's going on at the agency? Do we have any clients?"
"Technically yes," Lana sighed as she sat down. "If you count Cheryl and her latest passion. More like mania."
"Oh God," Mallory groaned. "What now?"
"There's no other way to say it but to just say it," Lana said. "Cheryl has decided to get into horse racing."
"Horse racing?" Mallory did a double take. "Carol is trying to get into horse racing?"
"Technically she already is," Lana told her. "Her family has had a racetrack for decades."
"Of course, they do," Mallory groaned. "What's the story with this one?"
"Another one of Cheryl's uncles died a few days ago," Lana explained. "Trampled by a horse ironically. Apparently, he shouldn't have been riding drunk. On a racetrack. During a horse race."
"And this uncle left Carol his racetrack?" Mallory put it together.
"Half of it," Lana said. "Cecil got the other half but he sold it to Cheryl because Tiffy finds horse racing barbaric."
"How much did she pay?" Mallory asked.
"Enough to keep Tiffy in hemp clothing and patchouli for months," Lana groaned. "Anyway, apparently Cheryl has caught the racing bug."
"I wish she'd catch malaria," Mallory grumbled.
"For decades the Tunts have owned this large racetrack just outside of Oxnard," Lana said. "From what I've gathered one of the family ambitions was to make Tuntmont Stakes part of the Triple Crown."
"If that happened wouldn't that technically become the Quadruple Crown?" Mallory asked.
"They wanted to get rid of Belmont for some reason," Lana shrugged. "Some kind of rivalry. Cheryl didn't go into it. Anyway…Now that Cheryl owns a racetrack and a stable of horses, she wants to groom and breed the next Secretariat. And ride it."
"What?" Mallory did a double take.
"Did you know that Cheryl has had riding lessons ever since she was three?" Lana asked.
"She's a Tunt," Mallory said. "I wouldn't be surprised if she had elephant riding lessons."
"She did," Lana sighed. "And camel riding lessons."
"There you go," Mallory nodded. "Although with Carol's delusions I wouldn't be surprised if she had flying carpet lessons."
"Long story short," Lana said. "Cheryl wants to be a jockey. She's calling herself Little Cherie. And she's riding in a big race this afternoon. It's going to be on TV."
"You're kidding?" Mallory did a double take.
"I wish," Lana sighed. "She's riding a horse named Gone With The Tunt."
"A very apt name if there was one," Mallory groaned. "Did you ever see the movie Day At The Races?"
"The Marx Brothers movie?" Lana asked. "I think I did a long time ago."
"Good," Mallory sighed. "Then this won't come as a surprise to you."
"I am terrified that those idiots will bet all our money on that nag and we lose everything," Lana groaned. "Even though Cheryl swears she has a system…"
"WHAT?" Mallory shouted. "You just let those idiots go down there unsupervised?"
"What was I supposed to do Mallory?" Lana barked. "Leave my daughter, you and Archer alone?"
"We're doomed!" Mallory groaned. She glared at Archer. "This is all your fault! You hear me Sterling? If we go to the poorhouse, I'm pulling the plug!"
"He's not attached to a plug," Lana pointed out.
"If we lose all our money he will be," Mallory growled.
Lana turned on the TV and went to the correct channel. "We might as well watch…"
"How did an unknown race make it to television?" Mallory asked.
"Cheryl's company paid a ton of cash to televise this," Lana said.
"Of course," Mallory sighed as she watched. "Well it is a lovely track I must admit. Well groomed. The horses look nice. Maybe this will work?"
"And maybe pigs will grow wings and drop bacon from the sky," Lana said. "Then again with Krieger around anything's possible. You know he got another one of those?"
"What is it with that man and pigs?" Mallory was puzzled.
"I thought you knew?" Lana asked.
"Not a clue," Mallory admitted. "And something tells me I'm better off not knowing."
"Good afternoon everyone!" Cyril's voice was heard. "Welcome to the first annual running of the Tuntmont Stakes! I'm your announcer, Cyril Figgis!"
"Oh God…" Mallory groaned. "This is already a disaster."
"You may be right," Lana sighed as a shot of several members of the Figgis Agency were seen waving from an owner's box. Ray and Krieger were dressed in spiffy white outfits. Pam was wearing a fancy orange dress with a huge orange hat full of orange feathers. Even Milton was there with a green bow tie stuck on it.
"Is that Milton?" Lana blinked. "They brought Milton to a horse race?"
"That toaster has a better social life than I do," Mallory groaned.
"The first horse in the Tuntmont Stakes is Gone With The Tunt," Cyril spoke. "A crowd favorite ridden by the owner and trainer Little Cherie."
"Yeah! Yeah!" Cheryl waved to the crowd on top of a beautiful chestnut thoroughbred. She wore red and black colors in her jockey uniform.
"Number Two is Tunt A Calling," Cyril was heard announcing as the horses passed by. "Number Three, A Tunt In The Hand. Number Four, Count Tunt."
"Hang on…" Mallory frowned.
"Number Five," Cyril read on. "War Tunt. Number Six, Gallant Tunt. Number Seven, American Tunt. Number Eight, Cherlene's Wild Ride. Number Nine, Carol And/Or Cheryl's Birthday Present. And Number Ten…Tunt A Long Cassidy."
"I think I just figured out Cheryl's system," Lana groaned.
"Something tells me Belmont can rest easy," Mallory groaned. "Even mob backed horses aren't this obvious!"
"The horses are lining up at the gate," Cyril reported. "And they're off!"
"That jockey just fell off!" Lana pointed. A jockey did fall off from his horse.
"The jockey from Tunt A Calling is down!" Cyril said. "He's fallen off his horse! Looks like he was pushed by Little Cherie!"
"Uh oh," Lana said. "If Cheryl pushed that jockey, she could get disqualified!"
"Who cares?" Mallory said. "Carol owns all the horses! It doesn't matter which one of them wins!"
"And they make the first turn!" Cyril announced. "It's Tunt A Long Cassidy on the far right pulling ahead. With American Tunt and Tunt With the Wind neck and neck for first."
"GET OUT OF MY WAY!" Cheryl whacked the other jockey with her riding crop. "THIS IS MY RACE AND I'M GONNA WIN IT!"
"Something tells me it matters to Cheryl," Lana blinked.
WHACK!
Cheryl hit another jockey so hard he fell off his horse and was nearly trampled. "The jockey for American Tunt has fallen! Little Cherie has knocked the jockey for American Tunt off his horse!"
"Well if she wasn't disqualified before," Lana sighed. "She's definitely disqualified now."
"And if that doesn't disqualify her…" Mallory did a double take. "That will!"
"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl held a flare gun in one hand. "I AM THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME! HA HA HA!"
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Who let her have a flare gun?" Lana shouted. "Oh god parts of the track are on fire!"
"I hope you're happy!" Mallory glared at Lana.
"How is this my fault?" Lana snapped.
Horses bucked off their riders and ran around wildly. One jockey didn't fall of his horse but turned it around and ran the other way. "That jockey is going the wrong way!" Lana pointed.
"He's trying to get away from Carol," Mallory said. "He's going the right way!"
By now almost all the jockeys had fallen off their horses. Cheryl was riding wildly firing her flare gun in the air. "And now the only horse in the race is Tunt With The Wind…" Cyril groaned. "Who has obviously been disqualified. I'm pretty sure there are rules about using a flare gun. Security is trying to catch Little Cherie. She's using that flare gun to set fires all over the track…"
KA-BOOOOOOOOOM!
"Oh God she fired into the press box!" Cyril shouted.
"No big loss," Mallory sniffed.
"Good news, the press seems to have escaped unharmed," Cyril said. "Even though the press box is now on fire…"
"HA HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl cackled madly as she rode around. Security chased her on horses. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"
"One can only dream," Mallory groaned.
"Ladies and Gentlemen…" Cyril groaned. "I believe this is the first horse race in history where there are no winners. Repeat. No winners…I have no idea how this effects the betting situation. This has never happened before that I know of. Can we get a ruling on this? I mean does everyone get their money back or…?"
KA-BOOOOOOM!
"There goes a rosebush," Lana groaned. "And part of a wooden fence."
"And my will to stay sober," Mallory added as she took a drink.
"I thought that was gone long ago," Lana remarked.
"It's officially dead now," Mallory grumbled.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE ARE NO REFUNDS?" Cyril shouted into the microphone. "I BET FIVE GRAND ON THIS RACE! THERE BETTER BE A REFUND!"
"I knew it…" Lana sighed.
"That was rather predictable wasn't it?" Mallory shrugged.
"IT WAS A SURE THING SHE SAID!" Cyril shouted. "THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD LOSE SHE SAID! CHERYL YOU LYING BITCH! I WANT MY MONEY BACK!"
"I warned him," Lana said. "I warned him not to bet!"
"I DON'T CARE IF THIS IS THE TRACK'S POLICY!" Cyril was heard shouting as Cheryl rode around like a madwoman. "THIS WHOLE RACE WAS RIGGED AND YOU KNOW IT!"
"And here comes the witness for the prosecution," Mallory groaned.
"More like witless for the prosecution," Lana remarked.
"Good one!" Mallory scoffed.
"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS YOU CRAZY FLAME OBSESSED GLUE SNIFFING BITCH!" Cyril was heard shouting. "I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! RIOT! EVERYONE RIOT!"
"And now inciting a riot will be added to the charges," Lana groaned as several people in the stands started to rush the betting box, angrily demanding their money.
"They should shoot it…" Mallory grumbled.
"You're talking about Cheryl and not the horse, are you?" Lana sighed.
"Duh!" Mallory groaned. "How is Carol still running amok? Don't those people have tranquilizer guns?"
"They do," Lana said. "For the horses."
"So?" Mallory asked.
Lana paused. "Good point."
"RIOT! RIOT! RIOT!" Cyril was screaming as small fires were raging and several people in the stands started to brawl.
"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl laughed as she rode off the track.
"Oh, dear God where is she going now?" Mallory groaned.
"Hopefully far, far away…" Lana sighed. "Boy am I glad I came here instead of going there."
Mallory looked at Sterling. "Okay! I'll give you a pass on this one! But just this once!"
"Where are the others?" Lana asked.
A camera shot of the owner's box revealed it was now empty. "Even Milton had the sense to get out…" Lana groaned. "I wish I had the sense to get out of this agency."
"Ditto," Mallory groaned as she took a drink.
The next day…
"And I thought TV reruns were boring," Mallory groaned as she looked at Archer. "Just watching Sterling do nothing…Almost like watching him when he was at work actually. Speaking of which…What's going on with the Marx Morons?"
Lana was there. "Well…The whole Tuntmont Scandal has made the front page of not just the sporting news, but the national news. Especially when Cheryl rode her horse on the freeway."
"Yes, I saw the police chase," Mallory nodded. "Good thing that one police officer used to work at a rodeo. Nice lasso work. So, I take it Carol is in jail?"
"No," Lana groaned. "Her company bailed her out again. They basically paid off everyone so Cheryl goes scott free."
"Without any consequences," Mallory groaned.
"Oh, there are consequences," Lana went on. "In summary, Cheryl is banned from being a jockey for the rest of her life."
"Animal rights advocates can rest easy tonight," Mallory sighed.
"She's already pretty much forgotten that she wanted to be a jockey," Lana sighed.
"That girl really needs to slow down on the glue and groovy bears," Mallory admitted.
"Tuntmont Stakes has been permanently shut down," Lana said. "As per the investigations by not only the National Horse Racing Commission, The National Jockey Association, the IRS and PETA. Cheryl faces millions of dollars in fines for…Well, everything. And she's been banned from participating in any horse races. In fact, it's been strongly suggested that she's no longer allowed to even bet on a horse for the rest of her life!"
"I sense a fire in the near future…" Mallory sighed.
"There was already a fire, remember?" Lana said. "Technically several smaller ones. But I see what you mean."
Mallory sighed. "Well a nice arson investigation will bring the agency money."
"I wouldn't hold my breath," Lana groaned. "The Tunt Corporation has already sold the property at a loss to the State of California. As part of a plea deal so the government wouldn't prosecute Cheryl on charges of animal cruelty and assault."
"What is the state going to do with the place?" Mallory asked.
Lana explained. "They're planning on making it into either a solar farm or a government employee office complex."
"They'd make more money if they just paved it over and turned it into a parking lot!" Mallory snapped.
"Well it's still in the planning phase," Lana said.
Mallory rolled her eyes. "Which means nothing is going to get done for at least a decade!"
"Yup," Lana sighed.
"So, we get nothing out of all of this?" Mallory snapped. "Except another black mark against our agency?"
"Not exactly," Lana said. "Cyril got an announcing job."
"An announcing job?" Mallory shouted. "Who the hell would pay Cyril to announce?"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Welcome to the Risk League Tournament in beautiful LA!" Cyril was in an announcing booth. "I'm your announcer, Cyril Figgis! And this is a dream come true for me! So, without further delay…LET'S BATTLE BITCHES!"