The power of Icha Icha:
Summary: The legend says it was Icha Icha that brought peace to the five Shinobi nations.
Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Naruto.
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(Unknown)
Sitting in his personal dimension, Uchiha Obito was having his midday lunch. Contrary to popular beliefs, even the super villains had to attend to basic human needs, Shinobi or not. It was only his trained ninja reflexes that saved him from the projectile aimed at him. Obito jumped out of the way, spilling his tea in the process. The potentially lethal projectile lay harmlessly on the ground, as Obito observed it from a distance.
"Huh, where did THIS come from?" was his initial thought, as he eyed the orange book suspiciously. Well, no harm ever came from opening a book, right? He was wrong.
Obito settled down in a comfortable position before carefully opening the front cover. "Jiraiya-sama is the author? This shit must be pretty good!" Good, as it turned out, was a massive understatement.
In the next few hours, Uchiha Obito learned amazing things. Crazy things. Unimaginable things. The overload of information was too much for his immature mind to take, causing him to pass out from a massive nose bleed.
(Akatsuki headquarters)
All the members of the Akatsuki were gathered at the hideout, more or less. The hologram of the leader flicked to life, bringing all the S-Rank mercenaries to attention. Absolute silence fell inside the dark cave as the leader spoke, loud and clear.
"In our last mission, Sasori was 'destroyed'. Since we must always have perfect ten members, we are getting a new recruit." Before he could say more, the last hologram inside the room flicked to life, revealing a man wearing an orange spiral mask. "Sorry, I'm late. I didn't miss anything, did I?"
The leader cleared his throat. "Tobi will be joining us to serve as the replacement for Sasori." Obito waved his hand, taking in the gathering of the assassins. Then he saw her! Those perfect blonde hair, manicured nails. Her breasts were under developed, but hey, there are always late bloomers, right?
"What are you staring at you bastard?" Deidara shouted, pointing at Obito. Obito's eyes fell on his other hand. A massive nosebleed threatened to suffocate him, as he looked at the appendage protruding from the blonde's hand. 'Oh, the possibilities,' he thought. He quickly turned to the leader and shouted comically, "Leader-sama thank you for pairing me with the blonde bombshell!"
"What the fuck?!" came Deidara's eloquent reply, causing Hidan and Kisame to snicker at the blonde. "Why do I have to get paired with this fool? And you," he said, pointing again to the masked man, "I am a man. A man! And I don't swing that way." His bit said Deidara cut short the conversation, missing the anime tears leaking from Obito's mask.
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(Unknown)
The first installment, however, was not the only book that Obito received. Over the next few months, more of the books fell into the dimension. Naturally, Obito did not complain, but he did get curious about who was sending them. Or rather, who was getting rid of them, if the condition of the latest book was any indication.
The pages inside were in pristine condition, but there was a simple marking on the jacket. "KH"it read, along with a Konohagakure symbol. Now this perked up Obito's interest. Deciding to investigate the matter even further, he thought about teleporting to Konoha. But, first, he needed to finish just one more chapter.
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(Konoha)
Hatake Kakashi had the day off. Naturally, the Jounin decided to shut himself in, stretching out his body in his bed and taking out the kinks. He fumbled his hand behind his pillow and rummaged for something. A thin smile appeared over his mask as he withdrew the object that he was looking for: the latest release of Icha Icha. The Jounin was so engrossed in his reading that he did not even notice how his bedside window was open, or that someone was peeking in; a ghost of his past.
Obito did not know what to make of this strange revelation. That bastard Kakashi had taken up smut reading? But, Obito thought, who could blame him. This stuff really was addicting. Obito was violently shaken out of his daydreaming by the crashing of Kakashi's front door, as someone entered the apartment. He looked towards the silver haired Jounin, whose hands were currently empty, and he was acting in his usual nonchalant manner.
The door to Kakashi's bedroom opened slowly, revealing a human goddess standing in the doorway. Obito had a hard time hiding his presence, as he feasted his eyes upon the purple haired Jounin, who wore only a brown trench coat with the front open, leaving little to imagination. And as if things could not get any better, suddenly the coat came off. Blood filled his mask as Obito held his breath out, not willing to miss out such an amazing opportunity. The woman was taking off her body-fitting, orange skirt now…. Just a little more, and he would be seeing heaven.
However, being a human, eventually he ran out of breath. His lungs were burning as the lack of oxygen made its presence known. His head felt a little dizzy, as the skirt finally gave way to luscious black panties. However, Obito was at his limit now. If he stayed any longer, he would end up making his presence known, and be chased to death by an extremely pissed Kunoichi. With one last look at the buxom woman, Obito teleported himself to his personal dimension.
Sure enough, the book lay there on the ground, awaiting his touch. For the first time in his life, Obito wasn't sure if he should be happy or pissed. Happy that he finally had the long awaited addition to the series, or pissed that Kakashi got to enjoy such a beauty first hand, whereas, he had to live in caves with a freak with a fetish for explosives. Life sucked for Obito Uchiha.
(A few days later)
Uchiha Obito was re-reading his favorite parts from his favorite book when the portal suddenly opened over his head. Expecting another 'gift', he smiled with satisfaction, before remembering that the latest Icha Icha wasn't due for another two months. It was only this knowledge that saved his head, as he barely dodged the kunai aimed at him. For some time, nothing else appeared. Obito stood there in complete silence, expecting more projectiles to be launched at him. Nothing appeared.
It was only a few days later that this happened again. Now Obito lived in constant fear of projectiles flying at him. Hell, this way, he could not even enjoy his reading in peace. His mind made, Obito teleported himself to the Akatsuki headquarters. Getting himself comfortable in the living room, Obito started reading again, confident that due to various missions, everyone would be out. He was wrong.
Suddenly, the only female member of Akatsuki walked out of the kitchen with her food in her hands. She settled herself opposite to Obito and started eating. Sweat trickled down Obito's temples, as he kept reading while occasionally checking out the female. Being a virgin reading smutty material, what else could be expected of him? What he did not know was that Konan had already observed where his eyes were lingering, and was only waiting for her meal to finish, lest it be wasted in the aftermath.
Once done with the meal, she placed the dishes in the sink, before sneaking behind Obito. "His hands descended on her shapely ass as he squeezed and fondled it," Konan loudly read from behind Obito. The Uchiha coughed lightly before turning around to face her. He swore that the deathly glare she gave him could have frozen the hot spring where Mayumi and Renji were… damn it. He needed to focus if he was to talk himself out of here in one piece.
"Uh, I can totally explain this." Real smooth, Obito. Real smooth.
"And pray tell me why I should not cut off your member right now for reading smut in my presence?" Naturally, his hands fell to cover his precious jewels. The Uchiha was running out of options now. There was no escaping here. He could not teleport out quick enough, nor could he outrun the woman in such tight quarters. Then an escape plan came to him. A very dangerous, very risky escape plan.
"Leader-sama, you forgot to put on your pants," he said, pointing behind Konan.
The plan worked. In the split second that Konan turned, Obito teleported himself away. The Uchiha had barely made it to his dimension, when another portal opened beside his own. Obito expected the usual Kunai to come out of it. He was wrong.
The Uchiha's eyes widened in fear as a huge explosion appeared out of the portal. Already he could feel the burning temperatures. However, he could not turn back now. Going back would mean instant death, and not in a way that he wanted to die. Stuck between two fires, Obito chose the literal fire, with only a single thought running through his mind, "Damn you, Kakashi!"
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(Fire Country)
Uchiha Obito was standing on the tree, staring down the Konoha team that had been sent to retrieve Sasuke. Naturally, he could not let that happen. The Konoha ninja futilely attempted to attack him, but all of their attacks passed right through him. It was a lost cause for them.
What he could not account for was Uzumaki Naruto's unpredictability.
The blonde brought forth multiple clones that surrounded him from all angles. Obito was unfazed. What could mere clones do against him anyway?
The original made a ram hand seal and shouted,
"Harem no Jutsu!"
Suddenly, Obito's eyes widened in fear. The blonde had managed to one hit KO him, without him even knowing. And for the righteous way that he had spent his life, he had been sent to heaven. Well, that is the only logical explanation that came to his mind, as he found himself surrounded by hordes of naked women, all pressing their nubile bodies to his. Just to be sure that it was not a Genjutsu, Obito even flared his chakra and tried to break the Genjutsu. The sexy females still surrounded him.
So engrossed was he with the nude clones that he did not even notice when the Konoha ninja surrounded him and put chakra suppressing seals over his body. That is when the clones burst, and the reality dawned on him. He, Uchiha Obito, had been beaten by a few shadow clones and a stupid henge. Damn that Kakashi for turning him into a pervert!
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(Aftermath)
With Obito captured and unmasked, the threat of Madara disappeared in thin air. The Akatsuki was disbanded, before being hunted down by all of the five great nations. Being the Uchiha that he was, Sasuke was forgiven, even when he was guilty of conspiring against the village, desertion, and multiple other charges. Eventually, Naruto used his Talk no Jutsu on Obito, and managed to convince the Uchiha to leave his evil ways of life.
With all the evil vanquished, everyone rejoiced. There was sake, there were fireworks, and there was more glorious plot *cough* porn. *cough*
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A/N: Slowly but surely getting there. Please R&R.
P.S. If you liked this one-shot, please give a read to my other stories, too.