Every day I regret what I did. It's the only thing I have left to hold onto. That regret. The regret of having a child, of condemning you to this life. I know that it will happen. It has happened to all of us, and someday, Spencer, you will be as crazy as they claim I am. I have cursed you, and sometimes I wonder: would it have been better to not let you live at all? You are my son, my baby boy, and I love you so much it hurts, well, when I remember you. It's not like I can control it, but it's true. Even then, I love you still.
I had hoped that you would have some sort of a normal life before this happened to you, but it was not to be. You were born with a high IQ, you were smart beyond your years, this wasn't the normal life I had hoped for you, and I'm sure it wasn't the life you would have picked for yourself either. Believe me, Spencer, I know how hard it was for you, and I felt your pain every day. I tried to have fun with you. We would read together, and sometimes we would cook. We had some good times, right?
It hurt us both when your father left, but I wish he had taken you with him, or I had made him take you. I know what would have happened, he would have left you at an orphanage, but it would be better than letting you stay with me, watching me slowly lose myself to this disease. I know that it wasn't easy for you, and I saw how you looked at me. I knew what you were thinking. I don't blame you Spencer, so don't feel bad about it. It's natural to think I'm crazy, and that you can't wait until you can leave me behind. Putting me in here was the best thing you could have done for yourself, and this mother always wants what's best for her child.
I'm writing you this letter so you can see that I never wanted any of this for you. I never wanted you to live the life that you are bound to be living. I never wanted to curse you with this disease. I never wanted to hurt you like that, but I couldn't just make sure you were never born, or kill you after you were. You were so sweet, and so kind, so gentle, even as a baby. I never wanted that to change, and so far it hasn't. You send me letters about your day, and, believe it or not, I've almost memorized every one of them. That picture you sent to me, the one of you and Jennifer, that was nice. In your last letter you said that you would bring her to come and meet me. I would like that, just make sure I'm having a good day. I would really like to see you, but I can understand if you don't want to see me. Just remember that I love you and I only want what's best for you.
I love you, Spencer.
From,
Mom.
I don't own Criminal Minds.
~DI4MGZ~