Hullo! It's Jimmy once more with a sequel to Milk: The Source Of Pure Evil! And i know to those few readers who have been kind enough to read and review for Death and the Thief that I am completely and utterly stalling the next chapter for it. Just to let you all know, I have it, untyped, I just need to fix all of these little errors I see and fix them. ^_^" Sorry about that. I'll work on it as soon as possible!

Hello dear readers. Once more shall we dive into the secret lives of Edward Elric and his numerous cohorts. We are once again focusing on his exploits with the soldiers of Eastern Headquarters. After the rather humorous April Fool's Day 'incident', no one but Riza Hawkeye would dare trust the brothers Elric. She shall soon realize her folly.

The HARD way.

Let us jump into a random day, in a random month at least six months after the fated April Fool's Day prank, in the existence of Edward Elric. Riza and Alphonse were returning to the office after a lovely luncheon with tea at a new cafe Alphonse had wanted to show the blond lieutenant. At the moment, life was good. As they neared the door, we spectres begin to hear their conversation. "-offense, but Ed can be a little..." Alphonse struggled to find the... proper, right world to perfectly describe his brother older.

"A little unpredictable," Riza supplied in her usual monotonous voice, but there was a strange, foreign little smile on her face as they discussed the Elric older. Suddenly, her stomach grumbled audibly, bringing a light pink tinge of embarrassment to her normally pale cheeks. She was about to apologize when, even more strangely, a larger smile grew on her face. "But not like you, Alphonse. You're much more mature than your brother, more calm, adult-like. I can see why you're mistaken as the elder of you two."

Alphonse chuckled in response, completely and utterly oblivious to the apocalyptic changes within the trigger-happy lieutenant walking beside him. "Well, that's just because Edward is more... hyperactive than I am. Because of that, he, strangely enough, has almost low self-esteem and he acts out for any form of positive attention he can manage to scrape together. Unfortunately for Ed, it usually doesn't work out the way he wants it to..."

A look of concern flittered onto Riza's face, quickly replacing the smile that was looking fairly nice on her, as they walked into the office where everyone but Edward was currently working. "oh, the poor little thing. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Though her reply was soft, everyone heard the unusual comment and stared at her, shocked and slightly awed. Even Alphonse seemed a little shocked with the question. "Um, well... whenever I see something cute and fuzzy, like a kitty, I feel better, so maybe'll work the same way for him?" Alphonse wondered aloud.

"I'll start working immediately!" There was a faint glimmer of the normal Riza before it was once again buried under the new motherly instincts that were currently overwhelming her. She rushed to her desk, pulled some cloth, string, and a needle magically from a previously empty desk drawer and began sewing furiously.

Roy slowly turned to Alphonse, shooting suspicious looks in the armored boy's direction as he shifted in his chair. "Al," he said, "what did you do?"

Alphonse fidgeted nervously, scared of the strangely calm yet not quite furious Flame Alchemist sitting at his desk. "We just ate sandwiches and tea...? I didn't do anything, I swear!"

Honesty was dripping from the words that flowed like honey from Alphonse's non-existent mouth, so Roy decided to believe the brother younger, for now. "Where's your brother, Alphonse?" He asked, standing up as slowly as he had turned. He began a circuit around the room, looking under chairs, desks, and around small corners. They younger may be innocent, but whatever was happening positively REEKING of Edward Elric's mischievous stench. There was no telling what the brother elder would do with boredom and time on his hands, being the devil-child he was.

The brother younger shrugged innocently. "I last saw him in the library. For all I know, he could be anywhere in Central." It ALMOST sounded like Alphonse was TRYING to frame Edward.

Roy sent him another suspicious glance before stopping in front of Riza's desk. "Lt. Hawkeye, are you feeling alright?" He asked carefully, not knowing how to react around this strange creature.

Riza did not look up from her work as she replied. "Actually, I feel great!! I haven't felt this wonderful in years!!" Her tone was light, her voice cheerful.

There was obviously something horribly, horribly wrong here.

The room was silent, everyone confused about the strange show of emotions Riza was hosting. Out of nowhere, Riza gleefully shouted, "FINISHED! Do you think Edward would like this??" In her outstretched hands rested a large, fuzzy teddy bear. Its fur was a pale, 'You've just had a baby girl!' pink, and it was holding a little red heart that read, "We lurve you, Edward!!" It was sweet enough to give a person diabetes, and I mean the instant, fatal kind. The room itself shuddered with its occupants.

"Alright, where is that little bastard?!" Roy hissed snakily. "If he has ANYTHING to do with this, I'll-"

Everyone else had decided to freeze in horror. The cheerful, motherly smile that adored Riza's face as she carefully placed the teddy on the brother elder Elric's desk disturbed them all.

The room was quiet enough that when the door opened, the sudden noise caused Fuery to squeak in surprise and jump into Falman's arms, while the rest of the room just jumped in sudden fright. Edward quickly walked into the room, which was strange due to the fact that his whole demeanor screamed 'Tired As Hell.' He was rubbing his cheek with one hand and staring at the ground. There were scuffs of dirt on his clothes, along with small bits of texted paper. "Sorry I'm so late, Colonel," he paused to yawn widely. "I fell asleep in the library during lunch and I was mobbed by some yaoi fangirls on the way here..." The brother elder gently patted his red sleeve, creating a visible puff of glitter for all to see. His face was splotched with various shades of shimmering pinks and reds, one cheek just a large smear of shiny color. One of his sleeves was missing, along with the hood of his overcoat, his right boot, and most of the right pant leg. "They nearly got me this time."

Everyone had various levels of sympathy for the boy. Havoc had the lowest level due to his obsession with women, even the psycho yaoi loving ones. Even Roy felt bad, for a moment. Once glance at Riza caused whatever feelings of pity to shrivel up and blow away like a dust ball. "Fullmetal, what did you do to Lt. Hawkeye?!" He demanded.

It took a full minute for th question to register in Edward's easily distracted, sleep-deprived mind. "What.. did I do...? Is this a trick question or something? I haven't seen Lt. Hawkeye at all today. I know she was with Al at that new cafe down the street. Why?"

"Edward!" Aforementioned brother Elric found himself lying on his back in the hallway outside Roy's office with a worried looking Riza Hawkeye sitting on his chest, straddling his sides. He blinked owlishly up at her. '… how did I end up down here?'He asked himself as he stared up at the ceiling with avid interest. He pondered for well over three minutes before the only answer left in his mind was that the normally unemotional Riza Hawkeye had just tackle-glomped him. He also realized that she was speaking to him, and had been speaking for the entire duration of their trip to the floor and their stay down there.

"-and I was so worried about Edward because his fangirls are renowned for their possessiveness ad ferocity! I felt so bad for poor little Edward for having to fight of those wild beasts who call themselves women, and-"

Edward continued to blink up at Riza in confusion. "There's something different about you today, 1st Lieutenant. He stared up at her for a few seconds longer. "... Are you wearing mascara today? It looks nice on you."

"Yay! You noticed!" She squealed. "I was worried that the change would be too drastic. I mean, chocolate chip is soo much darker than cocoa brown!! But does it really look good? I thought it made me look trampy."

Edward nodded as he rose to his feet, aided by the excited Riza. "The cocoa had a reddish tint that made the red in your eyes stand out too much and they made your eyes look angry and menacing and just a little bit evil. I like the change, but I think maybe more of an elfenwood green would work better at accenting your eyes, but using either blueberry blue or raspberry blue would make them just pop! You'd be beating men off with a stick!!"

"But aren't those both pretty expensive?"

The Elric elder shrugged. "I didn't think so, but since Winry bought all of hers during the mid-spring sale, I'm not entirely sure. But even then, wouldn't it be worth it? Especially if you get the periwinkle paradise, with the matching lip shimmer and eye shadow! You'll have guys dropping at your feet!! You'd even turn gay men straight!!" Even as he spoke to Riza, his eyes kept glancing at the wall to his right.

As the two continued their makeup discussion, they were too engrossed to notice the looks of complete horror adorning the rest of the room's occupants. Alphonse was wondering if this was really such a great idea while the others' brains were not functioning properly. Finally, Breda was the first to recover. He laughed, just a tad bit nervously. "Oh, I get it. This is all just a joke, right?"

Riza froze. Then, as the temperature began to noticeably drop, her head slowly turned to face the others, a murderous and hurt look adorning her face. "A... joke?" She asked, her voice rising in both volume and pitch. "You think my appearance and my trying to look and feel attractive is merely some for of... joke?! I'll show you a joke, you giant pig-faced rat!!" Riza pulled out her gun and shot randomly about the room. Edward made sure to stay behind the enraged 1st Lieutenant, while Alphonse hid under a desk, hoping to avoid causing any ricochets. The brothers Elric left the others to fend for themselves. When the shots finally died down and empty shell casings stopped hitting the floor, the walls were littered with bullet holes and Breda had fainted.

Edward recovered first and was talking rapidly to the right wall he had been staring at earlier. "Sir Johnson McLiebermeyer? Sir Johnson McLiebermeyer!! Speak to me!! Are you ok, Sir Johnson McLiebermeyer?!" He asked worriedly. He waited a few seconds before speaking once more. "I KNOW that was a stupid question to ask, Sir Johnson McLiebermeyer, but its the first question I could think of!! Besides, what am I supposed to say?! You have another bullet hole in your head!!"

Roy quickly looked away, fearing the loss of his own sanity, and looked around. Breda and Havoc were crumpled on the floor with foam bubbling from their mouths. Fuery was cowering behind Roy's desk while Falman was hiding under his desk, curled in the fetal position. Edward was lamenting over the wall and Hawkeye was... talking to a squirrel? Roy felt his jaw drop.

Riza sniffled as she stared down at the little creature. "You think I'm pretty, right?" She asked, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.

The squirrel chirped at her and nibbled on an acorn. Riza burst into tears of joy and hugged the squirrel to her chest, nearly suffocating the poor thing.

Roy rounded on the Elric elder, face red and eyes wild with rage. "What. The. HELL. Did. You. DO?!?!" He ground out, fully prepared to set the short blond on fire.

"Shut up, Colonel!" Edward snapped as he pressed both hands over one of the bullet holes in the east wall. "Sir Johnson is going to DIE if you don't call an ambulance!" There was sweat running down the boy's face and he looked quite ready to cry. "You don't want Sir Johnson Albiero Liederhosen Fabio McLiebermeyer the 23rd to DIE, do you?!"

Roy slowly closed his mouth and backed away from the weirdo madman named Edward Elric, holding his hands up in a peaceful gesture. When he was a suitable distance away, he turned to the brother younger. "It was YOU, wasn't it?!" He hissed, trying not to attract any... unwanted attention. "You did something to your brother and my lieutenant. For the love of fucking god, what the fucking hell did you do?!"

The brother Elric shrugged. "Maybe," he drawled. "Maybe not. Why would I do anything to my precious big brother?"

Roy saw red. He was just about to lunge on the armored boy when Fuery managed to restrain the man before he injured himself. Instead, Roy entertained himself with strangling motions with his hands, promising mangling and death to the brother younger Elric.

Somewhere in the room went off the chiming of a clock. "Colonel, look! It's five o'clock!! We can leave now!!" Fuery cheered and raced for the door, dragging both the unresponsive Falman and the infuriated Roy behind him with a surprising show of strength. At the young raven-haired man's joyous cry, Breda and Havoc seemed to wake up just enough to flee the room as quickly as their shaking, piss coated legs could carry them, leaving Alphonse alone with a sobbing Riza and a half-demented brother elder.

Edward was slumped against the wall, breathing heavily. "Don't... worry, Al.." He gasped out, wiping sweat off his brow. "Sir Johnson McLiebermeyer just came out of surgery and the doctors said he'll be fine. Isn't it great?!"

Alphonse sighed. "Brother, I really hate it when you don't take your Ritalin... Why was this a good idea, again?"

Edward raised an eyebrow. "What're you talking about? I DID take them. See?" He asked, raising a pill bottle filled with little white pills. "Sir Johnson McLiebermeyr reminded me."

The armored brother younger shook his head. "You didn't even notice that I swapped them out with sugar cubes shaped like your pills?"

"Huh. Really?" Edward asked. He stared at the bottle in wonderment before turning to the wall. "No wonder you never vanished, Sir Johnson. At least you warned me about the fangirls." The brother elder Elric turned his full attention to the hallucination.

Alphonse let his head fall into his right hand, sighing once more in exasperation. He glanced at Riza before leaving the room himself, not daring to speak to the STILL sobbing woman. She was making Armstrong work for his title as a crybaby!!

The two of them were left alone in the office and both were too out of it to notice each other or their surroundings. After telling the small squirrel her life's story, the blonde woman collapsed. Edward talked with the wall well into the night and into the wee hours of morning.

At about five o'clock the next day, fortunately a Saturday, Riza slowly began to awake to the sounds of a loud, familiar voice.

"-don't like my answers, don't ask! You're a-"

Riza shot upright and threw the first thing she could get her hands on at the stranger she though was invading her home. She wasn't quite awake yet and hadn't been able understand or even see her surroundings.

The object she had flung made a strange chattering sound and the stranger shrieked just before the satisfying thunk of contact. "Agh! A flying squirrel! Get it off!!" The voice cried out in pain.

Riza slowly opened her tightly closed eyes. She first noticed that she was NOT lying on her cushy bed, or on the floor of her own apartment. She recognized the office she spent ninety percent of her time in, and the disheveled Edward who was trying to fight off any angry looking tree-rat. She understood why the squirrel was angry and why Edward was trying to pry it off his right leg, but she couldn't for the life of her understand why the hell either she or Edward were still in the office to begin with. "Edward," she began, rubbing her throbbing head, "what's going on? Why are we still in the office?"

Edward managed to catch the elusive acorn-eater and chucked it out the nearest window, grinning victoriously. "Oh, well, you fell asleep here yesterday and Sir Johnson and I decided to stay until you woke up and was able to get home ok! Ho are you?"

Riza blinked in confusion at the unexpected cheeriness. "... Who is Sir Johnson, Edward?" She asked.

If possible, the cheeriness around Edward grew. He waved vaguely towards the wall most of his body was facing, which was still, unsurprisingly littered with bullets. "Sir Johnson is a really, REALLY good friend of mine!! He's angry with me at the moment, though, but he can't hold grudges to save his life!" The boy suddenly winced and began rubbing his upper left arm. "Sir Johnson! Hitting me was totally uncalled for!"

As Riza watched in confused amusement, Edward once again turned to the wall and began arguing with the invisible Sir Johnson Albiero Liederhosen Fabio McLiebermeyer. "I'll have you're brother come get you both, Edward," she said as she slowly rose to her feet. "If you can, will you please either fix the walls yourself or have your brother do it when you leave, alright?"

Edward nodded absently. "Sir Johnson, I just told you the truth! That shirt makes you look gay! What else am I supposed to say? Do you WANT me to lie to you?! … Fine! Go talk to Al then!"

Riza smiled slightly before asking herself, "What the HELL happened yesterday? All I remember was drinking tea at that luncheon, and there was something about mascara.." The smile slowly died as a murderous look once again enveloped her face. "Alphonse is going to pay..."

Back in the brother Elric's dorm room, the young Alphonse felt a shudder envelope his armored body. He glanced around nervously. "Why do I feel like I'm going to rue yesterday's actions?"

A person materialized through the wall, scaring the living daylights out of Alphonse. The man was tall, dark, handsome, and looked very similar to Roy. He was also wearing th laciest, ruffliest, and gayest shirt you readers, as well as I, could ever imagine. "Riza's going to kill you!" Sir Johnson Albiero Liederhosen Fabio McLiebermeyer stated with a cheeky grin. "Have fun!"

This is Jimmy! Please review to those who could bear read through this! Flames are welcome due to the fact that people have to read this to flame it, right? That means I'm a partial success! Yay! And just for a little laugh, if you've read Milk: The Source of All Evil, I had an English paper to write for my College English class, and I decided to use that so I wouldn't have to write something new! Funny thing is that he thought it was imaginative and he loved it. Ha ha, right? Read and review!