A/N: I posted this on tumblr yesterday and decided to post it here too for those who don't have/want one.
Some background: This takes place back in January before Roxie was adopted and Gabriel is eight months old. Also, Mazzy Star's Fade Into You is required listening, either before or after reading the one-shot ;)
Trigger Warning: Mild and brief recount of child sexual abuse
Enjoy...
Fade Into You
"Brittany! Hurry up, we're going to be late!" Santana yelled up the staircase. "You know how the Brooklyn Bridge is on Friday afternoons and in the snow, babe!"
"Coming!" Brittany yelled back. "I just need to get some of Gabriel's stuff organized for Roxie!"
"Ay..." Santana walked back outside to load the last bag, mumbling in Spanish under her breath.
Roxie stood by with Gabriel in her arms, and had been amusingly watching her moms run around like two crazies for the better part of an hour. They had decided on a romantic trip to Manhattan shortly after the family had gotten back from Lima for Christmas. Roxie had been trying to play it cool since they told her, but the thought of babysitting her little brother for a little under forty-eight hours was a scary prospect. It had only been a few months removed since the debacle when she last babysat. Roxie was scared to death of a repeat performance. She looked at Gabriel in her arms and tried to make eye contact with the squirming eight month old.
"Britt!" Santana yelled again.
"Coming!" Brittany quickly ran down the stairs. "Stop yelling!" she pecked Santana's lips as she made it off the last step.
"We have reservations though." Santana whined, but was calmer. "We still have to drive, get to the hotel, then get changed-"
Brittany cut her off with a kiss. "Shut up..." she slowly smiled into another.
Roxie rolled her eyes. "Really? Gaby and I are standing right here! You guys can't wait the thirty minutes until you get to your hotel before you jump each other?"
"Okay," Brittany broke the kiss and turned towards Roxie. "Emergency contacts are on the fridge and his baby food is in the pantry. He hasn't been liking apples lately, so just stick with the banana and dried cheerios for breakfast. Dinner is sweet potato, a few slices of avocado, or butternut squash. What else about his diet...?"
Roxie stood wide-eyed as she watched her mother try to remember more instructions. Brittany was anxious. Roxie knew she was anxious, because Roxie Ortiz fucking knew anxious when she saw it. This was a big moment for Brittany. Gabriel's emergency room scare the last time Roxie babysat was fresh on everyone's minds, and the big elephant in the room as they all stood there. But something had to be said for the fact that they were letting her babysit, even with all their reservations. It made Roxie feel good, and rather proud that they were taking a chance on her again.
"Oh, all his bath stuff is in our bathroom. He's really into his blue footy pj's with the little sharkies on them. Also, he has a little diaper rash-"
"Auntie, I knooow!" Roxie finally cut in, and couldn't take it anymore. She really did know how to take care of her baby brother, and had been helping daily with him since he was born. "The A&D ointment is in the cabinet in his nursery. His bath time is right after dinner. He gets a little play and story time, his night time bottle, then bed!"
Roxie finished Brittany's instructions with confidence and a coy smile. She didn't want to come off cocky, but just confident enough to relieve any last minute butterflies her mothers might have had about leaving the baby with her.
"I know you know, Rox." Brittany reached forward to lovingly brush some of her bangs back. She lingered, then ran her fingers through Gabriel's hair as well. She smiled, flashing her eyes between her children. "Okay... let's go," she grabbed her purse off the staircase post after she was satisfied.
"First, some rules!" Santana finally shot in, and Roxie slightly rolled her eyes. She knew this part was coming sooner or later.
"Fine." Roxie readjusted Gabriel in her arms.
"First off, Shannon will be stopping by after her shift at the hospital tomorrow morning. And Quinn and Nick will stopping by on Sunday morning too. So, you might wanna hide Zoe in your closet or sneak her out early if you don't wanna get caught, mija."
"U-uhhh..." Roxie blushed and moved her mouth to speak.
"Don't, just don't..." Santana put her hand up and laughed. "My parents used to leave all the time on weekends, and that's when I would sneak Brittany in the most. I wasn't born yesterday."
"Can we just not, Tía?" Roxie looked disgusted and had the sudden urge to earmuff Gabriel's ears.
"Ya, ya... just try to keep the shenanigans to your bedroom. Every other spot in this house is me and your mom's."
"This is like the most disturbing conversation ever..." Roxie wanted to be sick.
Brittany lightly slapped Santana's arm and chuckled, mouthing 'stop' in the process. "We'll just exchange courtesy texts every few hours all weekend, okay honey? And I'll call you once during the afternoons and once at night," Brittany added.
"Stay out of my gin! And also I counted all the beer and wine bottles. So, if you and Zoe think it's party time in here all weekend-" Santana wagged her finger.
"Tía!"
"Alright, let's go!" Brittany broke up the Santana-Roxie banter before it hit fever pitch. She grabbed Santana by the arm and led her to the door. Roxie slowly followed behind.
"Be good for sissy, Gaby!" Brittany cooed, and Roxie could hear her throat tighten the slightest bit.
She smiled and watched her lean in to pepper Gabriel's face with what looked to be at least a hundred kisses. Gabriel giggled as he had no clue what was going on. Brittany kissed Roxie's forehead before letting Santana get some goodbye kisses of her own in. Instead of a kiss to Roxie's forehead, Santana decided to annoyingly tousle her hair. Roxie expected nothing less from her, and couldn't help but giggle at her antics.
Before they opened the door, Roxie quickly grabbed Gabriel's soft baby blanket and wrapped him tightly before the freezing January wind got to him first. Roxie held him tight and watched her mothers get into the car for their romantic weekend. She stood in the doorway and waved. She held Gabriel's little hand out, coercing him into a tiny wave too. She stood and watched until the family's SUV pulled out and down the street.
Roxie finally closed the door and slightly leaned against it with a talking Gabriel babbling away in her arms. She looked down into his light brown, now almost hazel eyes as mild panic set in. Her anxiety ticked up as the realization of the responsibility in her lap for the next two days sank in. But just as fast as it ticked up, it started to fade away in an instant. Roxie could do this! She had a partner in crime and wouldn't be alone, after all.
She smiled to herself and walked back towards the living room; phone in one hand and a newly sent text message in-route to Zoe.
Roxie lay on her stomach with her hands under her chin and watched her little brother in amazement as he played on a soft blanket she put down for him. He was like an infant prince surrounded by all his trinkets and toys, but none of it interested him at the moment. The two seemed to be involved in a new game where Roxie acted asleep, and Gabriel would crawl to her face and wait until she opened her eyes in surprise, causing a baby laugh attack of epic proportions. The strange game of peek-a-boo went on forever, but Roxie didn't mind. It was an ego booster to make any person of any age laugh that hard.
Gabriel babbled again, crawling up to Roxie's face and waited for his surprise. Roxie obliged one last time, but was now getting scared at how red he was turning from the laughter. On cue, Gabriel fell backwards in hysterics, dressed in his navy blue corduroy overalls.
"Alright, that's enough, kid!" Roxie giggled. "Don't hurt yourself."
"Mamamamama..." Gabriel babbled the only words he knew so far.
"No... Roxie, papí! Ro-xie!" Roxie corrected. She knew there was no chance of Gabriel being able to say his 'R's' anytime soon, but that wouldn't stop her from planting the seed.
"Ro-xie..." she tried again. Gabriel just made his famous motorboat sound and crawled away, seemingly disinterested with her now. He grabbed his favorite monkey and started slobbering on him while talking to himself.
Roxie laughed and sighed, "Eres un monito, lo sabías?"
Buzzzzzzzzzz. Buzzzzzzzzzz.
Roxie smiled to herself and jumped off the ground. She had a pep in her step as she trotted her way to the door. She and Zoe had been dating since summer, but the excitement of seeing her never seemed to fade. Whether meeting at school, Zoe's house, or her house, the moment of seeing her face for the first time after not seeing her for awhile always made Roxie's heart jump into her throat. It was one of her favorite feelings on the planet. She swung the door opened and grinned at her girlfriend.
"Guess who brought you Clinton Hill's finest and greasiest tofu burger combo from 67Burger?"
Zoe flickered her eyebrows and held up the brown bag with grease spots. Roxie took a millisecond to process Zoe in all her adorable winter-wear glory. She was decked out in her favorite fur trapper hat and peacoat; all topped off with her pink frostbitten nose and infectious smile.
"Pssh, everyone knows it's all about the garden burger & sweet potato fries combo from WilliamsBurger!" Roxie teased.
"Oh, whatever!" Zoe let herself in and launched into Roxie's arms. She giggled into a kiss and wrapped her legs around her lower back.
"Mm, hi..." Roxie hummed and cheesed up at her girlfriend as she held her.
"Hi," Zoe whispered. "So, your parents are really gone for the whole weekend?"
"Mhmmm."
"So, does that mean we can have sex in their bed?" Zoe smirked.
"Ewww, Zo!" Roxie dropped her and laughed. "You just made me not want my tofu burger now!"
"Awww, I was just teasing..." Zoe faux pouted.
"Yeah, sure you were, sicko!" Roxie pecked her lips. "Come on," she closed the door and led her by the hand into the living room.
Roxie watched as Zoe lit up instantly at the sight of Gabriel crawling around on the floor. She handed Roxie the bag of food and started crawling towards him and baby-talking. Gabriel seemed to light up as well. He stopped at the sound of the bubbly teenager's voice and started laughing. The two had an odd bond already. Maybe, it was the fact Zoe reminded him a lot of Brittany. Or maybe it was because she was simply fun and addicting to be around. Roxie smiled as she watched them interact on the floor. She could relate to Gabriel, because she definitely knew the feeling of being addicted to Zoe.
"God, I didn't know giving him a bath would be like being at a water park." Zoe laughed and gently crashed one of Gabriel's toy boats into his sharkie bath toy, causing the baby to squeal and splash in hysterics.
"Yeah, it can get pretty messy now that he thinks it's hilarious to splash in his two inches of water." Roxie chuckled and ran a soapy washcloth over his head, brushing his hair back.
The two teenagers sat on their knees in front of the bathtub later that evening. Gabriel was getting his evening bath after dinner, and right on schedule. He was a mess after having a fit with his dinner, and Roxie had no idea how her mothers got the kid to eat so calmly every night. She must have tried five different jars of everything from butternut squash to peas, until Gabriel decided on the most disgusting, Gerber meat puree in some gravy sauce.
Roxie made a funny face at her brother and wrung out the soft washcloth before running it back over his hair to wash out the baby soap. In her peripheral, she caught Zoe giving her the most curious look. She had noticed her giving the same look while she was feeding Gabriel in his high chair as the three of them sat at the table for dinner. It was making her the slightest bit antsy, and she couldn't take it anymore.
"Is something on my face or are you just admiring my side profile, Z?" Roxie laughed.
"Huh?" She snapped out of her daydream.
"You keep staring at me, babe."
"No, I don't." Zoe scoffed and Roxie instantly gave her a look as to say she wasn't being very convincing. "No, I was just thinking..." she finally admitted after being called out.
"About what?" Roxie washed underneath Gabriel's neck.
"That you're so good with him..." Zoe smiled. "You're seriously the best big sister ever."
"Mhm, because he's my buddy!" Roxie jokingly splashed some water, causing Gabriel to splash back.
Zoe grinned and bit down on the corner of her lip, almost as if she was trying to decide whether or not to hold something back. "You ever think about how you would be with... your kids...?" she quirked her mouth and mindlessly played with Gabriel some more.
"Uhh, no. Why?" Roxie scrunched her brows in confusion.
"Do you even think about having kids?" Zoe asked with more confidence.
"No," Roxie finally looked at her. "Do you..?" she searched her face up-down and side-to-side, still in confusion.
"Uh huh..." she chirped. "I think about what our babies would look like all the time-"
"What!" Roxie semi shrieked, causing Gabriel to mimic her. "W-what... w-why?"
"Freak-out face to the max, oh my god! Calm down, babe." Zoe laughed. "I don't know. I just think of stuff like that sometimes. I'm just big on thinking about the future. Like, I think I have had my entire Juilliard course schedule mapped out since I was ten years old."
"That's because you're weird, Zo!" Roxie giggled.
"Whatever," Zoe rolled her eyes. "You're telling me you have never thought about what our babies would look like?"
"No!" Roxie shook her head. "Baby, I barely think of my own future, let alone a future with babies and marriage! And, by the way, you're talking crazy like we can actually get each other pregnant!" she laughed out.
"It's not like we haven't tried, huh?" she nudged Roxie's arm.
"Ohh, good one, Z." Roxie shook her head and laughed some more.
"Seriously, why not though? It's like the future! Science has come a long way, and it's gonna be even more advanced by the time we decide to have a baby in our late twenties."
"Oh my god, you're making me queasy. Please stop!" Roxie looked like she had a bad taste in her mouth.
"Why?" Zoe was amused at how uncomfortable this talk was making her girlfriend. "You don't think children are in your future?"
"I didn't say that." Roxie swallowed and continued to wash Gabriel off. "I just... don't think about the future. It's impossible to know, so there's no point of getting your hopes up. You ever heard the saying ,'You make plans and God laughs'? Well, I live by that motto..."
Roxie didn't mean for the conversation to take a pessimistically haunting turn. But she knew no other way than to be completely honest with Zoe. They had built their relationship on solid ground and prided themselves on knowing exactly where the other one stood.
"Sooo, you don't see me in your future...?" Zoe flickered her eyes back and forth. She didn't look crushed, but simply curious.
Roxie sighed. "I-I didn't say that, Zoe. Look... baby, I love that you see me in your future. I'm flattered when you talk about college and living together sometimes. I wish I could think like that; I wish I could think like you, but I can't. It's like this roadblock in my freaking brain that prevents me from looking passed a week let alone years."
"I understand..." Zoe nodded after letting the words sink in. She still didn't know the acute details of Roxie's past, but she had a strong enough intuition and could often feel the hurt and pain dripping off of her girlfriend. She wished she could be let in on more details, but she also knew Roxie had to let her in at her own pace. Zoe would continue to respect that.
"I'm trying though, okay? I really am, Zo. Everyday I'm getting better." Roxie pursed her lips. "And for what it's worth... I-I think we would have the most beautiful babies," she slowly grinned and effectively stirred the conversation back to Happyland.
"I do too..." Zoe matched her expression and leaned over for a firm kiss "I love you, Roxie Ortiz. And even though you can't picture it, I see us wrinkly and old, playing one of those old lady card games at a Brooklyn adult daycare center that our oldest daughter Sophia makes us go to, because she says we need to socialize more in our cranky old age." Zoe beamed and Roxie laughed out.
"Well, as long as Sophia doesn't put us in a retirement home... I'm good," Roxie smiled into a kiss. "And speaking of wrinkly; my brother looks like an old man! Time to get out, buddy!"
Roxie laughed and lifted Gabriel out of the water, wrapping him in a towel. Zoe watched from her knees at how she naturally knew what to do with him. Roxie may have been freaked out and unsure when he was born, but she was a bonafide natural now. Zoe smiled, and there was no doubt in her mind that Roxie would be the perfect mother in a little over ten years.
"...but, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the gladdest days and in the darkest nights ... always, always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath, as the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.
Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again."
Roxie ended the letter in her best old-timey, Civil War soldier accent and voice before turning the page. Zoe laid in her arm and snuggled into her side on her bed, letting the words of the letter sink in.
"That was beautiful..." Zoe hummed into Roxie's cheek. "Aww, I hope he was reunited with Sarah after the war."
"Naw, Sullivan Ballou died in the Battle of Bull Run; literally a few hours after writing the letter to his wife. They found it on his musket riddled body." Roxie smirked and looked for another letter to read.
"Oh my god, Roxie!" Zoe hissed. "You think you could've delivered that a little more respectful?" she poked her side.
"What? You asked!" Roxie laughed out harder.
"It's not funny, Rox." Zoe sulked.
"Awww, yes it is, baby." Roxie kissed her forehead to make it all better.
"No kisses right now, I'm mad at you." Zoe rolled her eyes, but didn't push Roxie away. "What is this book anyway?"
"Uh, Historic Love Letters of War." Roxie read the title to her again. "It was in the discount cart at that bookstore on Bushwick Ave. I couldn't pass it up!"
"It's depressing though, babe. They're amazing letters, but all these people like died. It gives me the creeps now."
"Why though?" Roxie closed the book and readjusted herself on the pillow. "Why does it matter how they died, who they were, or how they lived their lives. I mean, there's something so beautiful about being in the cold blooded misery of war and yet still taking the time to write down the truest declarations of love to someone. All these letters are snapshots, Zo. They're snapshots into undying love in the face absolute horror and pain. There's something... divine about that..."
Zoe took in Roxie's passion as she searched her face, and was frankly floored by it. Roxie could find beauty through pain - she could find beauty through depression. And it honestly made perfect sense to Zoe, because Roxie had probably been doing it her whole life. She wanted so badly to ask her about some details of her past in that moment. She wanted so badly to ask how she had been hurt. But Zoe thought better of it, and quickly put the thoughts away.
"There's something super divine about that, I agree..." Zoe whispered, looking into her eyes. "And only my brooding hipster could put it in such elegant words." She smiled and leaned up into a kiss.
"Mm, so you think my broodiness is hot?" Roxie let out a girly giggle and scooted down until they were sharing a pillow and facing each other.
"Oh baby, I think your broodiness is absolutely fuckable." Zoe kissed the tip of her nose.
"Oh yeah..?" Roxie looked back at the baby monitor on her nightstand to make sure Gabriel's snoring was steady. "You sure you can't spend the night tonight?" She asked, subtly biting down on her lip.
"Mm, I wish I could..." Zoe pouted and ran her hand under Roxie's shirt at her hip. "My grandparents are in from Saint Petersburg. So, it's a formal brunch tomorrow morning with the 'famous dancing Zvonarevas'. But tomorrow after lunch, I'm all yours."
"Ugh, fine! I guess I can wait."
Zoe laughed and kissed her frustration away. "We can snuggle, some tittie groping and making-out, maybe a little nap?"
"That sounds amazing," Roxie squeezed her hip.
"We need snuggle music though."
"Oh, on it! That's my speciality!" Roxie winked, hopping off the bed, and knew just the record she wanted to put on.
Zoe watched with her head propped on an elbow as Roxie pulled out her record crates and sifted through them for the perfect snuggle and make-out music. She settled on a Mojave 3 album and snuggled back in bed with Zoe. Roxie pulled a thick blanket over their heads, and the two got lost in snuggles and a good album until they dozed off.
"Roxanna! Roxanna! Where are you, mija? I just wanna talk, bebé. papí just wants to talk, that's all. Just sit in my lap like Santa and talk."
You hear him coming closer. You hear him clumsily bumping into furniture like he doesn't know his own apartment. You can almost smell the tequila on his breath already. It's always sour and laced with something skunky smelling when he presses his lips against yours. You're seven years old, and you know right from wrong. You know it's not okay - it feels unnatural. But you feel shame, and it's easier to bury it, then tell anyone. What's worse, is she knows. Your mother knows and does nothing. She tells you to be grateful, 'he's letting us stay in his apartment, so to mind him or get smacked'.
"Roxie!"
You flinch in your hiding spot as he gets closer. This is a new one, maybe it's better than behind the couch where he easily found you last time. At least it can maybe buy you more time. With any luck, he'll pass out before he figures it out.
"Ahhh, I know you're in here, chiquita..."
He sings and your heart drops as he stumbles closer to the laundry chute. You couldn't close the door all the way, because you didn't want to fall into that hole. There's dead silence for a moment; the only sound is your heartbeat which feels like it's about to bust through your tiny rib cage. You squeeze your eyes shut and mouth the prayer that Tata taught you. You notice you're doing that thing again where you rub your thumb. Your mother always yells at you for doing it. She tells you that's how the crazy army vets act in front of the shelter on the corner. But you can't help it, because it's the only thing that calms you sometimes.
Dead silence.
Lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub... your heart pounds, and you hold your breath. You don't hear him. Maybe he walked away - maybe he passed out.
You finally relax a bit, and slowly begin to let out that breath when the chute door swings open fast!
"Roxie!"
He found you, and you scream.
"Roxie!"
"No! Go away!" Roxie whimpered. "Please, don't! Please..." she cried.
"Roxie! Baby, wake up!" Zoe sat up in a panic after being woken up by Roxie's night terror. She looked at the clock and it was a little past ten. They had fallen asleep a little over an hour ago.
"Nooo... nooo, stop..." Roxie whined again. She pushed out her hands like a child trying to bat someone away.
"Please, Roxie, wake up..." Zoe's voice was shaky as she started to cry. She couldn't take one more moment of Roxie being caused pain by someone she couldn't help her fight off.
Roxie cried out again and Zoe made a quick decision. She knew you should never shake someone out of a night terror. She learned it from one of those random NatGeo shows. But she couldn't take it! Zoe shook Roxie with all her might, taking the chance in the moment.
In an almost instant Roxie's tear filled eyes shot open, and Zoe could see in them the moment the nightmare faded and the real world came back into focus through the haze for her girlfriend. Zoe could actually feel the nightmare disappear into the atmosphere of Roxie's bedroom - the heaviness lift. It was the single most spooky feeling she has ever encountered.
Roxie shot halfway up and started breathing hard and crying. It was almost as if she couldn't catch her breath no matter how hard she tried. It was a panic attack, and Zoe did the only thing that came natural. She engulfed Roxie in the tightest hug she could muster. She whispered soothing words into her ear and rocked her back and forth like a baby. She had never witnessed her girlfriend cry so hard or her body shake so violently. Roxie's cold dripping sweat was almost bone chilling against her cheek. Zoe held her tighter though, determined to warm her up.
"Shh, I got you. I got you, baby..." Zoe whispered.
"I couldn't get away... I could never hide..." Roxie mumbled incoherently into Zoe's collarbone and whimpered.
"It's okay... nobody's going to get you, Rox. I'm right here."
"Stay... s-stay with me...?" Roxie whined and held on tight.
"I'm here, Rox. I'm going to stay with you as long as you need, okay." Zoe swallowed a lump. She gently lowered them back onto the bed, slowly sliding the blanket around them. Roxie was just so cold, and she needed to warm her up.
It must have been a couple of hours when the whimpering and shaking finally stopped. Zoe laid facing Roxie until her breathing evened out at a comfortable cadence. It was then that she knew she was in a normal slumber finally. She stroked her gorgeous chestnut brown hair, tucking some behind her ear. She gently rubbed her eyebrow with her thumb, then lightly caressed her high cheek bones. Zoe lovingly traced Roxie's full lips with her finger and wondered how anyone could hurt someone so beautiful.
She held back tears as it took everything in her to quietly slide out of bed. Roxie whimpered slightly at her absence, but went back to sleep. Zoe sat on Roxie's piano bench and slid on her boots, winter coat, and hat. She sat and looked at her for a few more minutes with her chin in her hands, wondering what she could do and feeling completely helpless. Zoe checked the time again and cursed to herself, knowing she was under strict orders from her mother to be home tonight. She gently leaned over and kissed Roxie's cheek, lingering and whispering words of love into her ear.
A minute later, and Zoe stepped out onto the Lopez-Pierce stoop, letting the freezing air hit her face. It was welcomed, and Zoe breathed in a lung full of the icy vapor, which felt like tiny spikes in her throat. She wrapped her scarf tighter and finally went in search of a cab.
Roxie nervously drummed her fingers against her steaming cup of coffee at the cafe down the block from her house. She smiled and looked down at a bundled up Gabriel asleep in his stroller. He was snuggled in his snow gear and tightly gripping his monkey. That morning, after Shannon showed up to check on things, she had asked her mothers if she could take him just down the block before she went stir-crazy in the house. They only obliged after Roxie agreed to wrap their son in at least four layers of clothing. It was a bitch to dress him, and it would be a bitch to undress him. But the cup of coffee was worth it.
Her mind kept wandering to the night before. Her night terrors were few and far between nowadays. She refused to take medication, because Dr. Levy's natural therapy had been working wonders. But Roxie was still prone to the occasional nightmare. She winced and looked down in shame.
Why, oh why did one have to hit the night that her girlfriend was over?
Roxie was embarrassed and noticed Zoe was late. Maybe, she wouldn't show up. Maybe, Roxie had freaked her out and this was the part where Zoe would slowly back away.
"Is this seat taken?"
Roxie slowly looked up to find Zoe smiling brightly down at her. "Uh, it was reserved for a pretty girl. But you're way hotter, so it's yours." She joked and was finally able to break out into a smile of her own.
"Good!" Zoe chuckled and took a seat.
"U-uh, how was brunch with-"
Before Roxie got the question out, Zoe grabbed her face and planted a hard kiss. "... with your family?" She finally finished the question in a daze after Zoe broke the kiss.
"Eh, it was alright." Zoe shrugged and shook her hair out after removing her beanie and gloves. "My grandpa insists on only speaking Russian when we're together as a family. Which isn't a problem, but his accent is super harsh and it makes it hard to understand sometimes. You know, kind of like when we found ourselves in Staten Island for that concert in August and we couldn't understand anyone."
"Oh yeah," Roxie laughed. "The Twilight Zone borough! It was like we were in a time warp."
"Mhm," Zoe giggled. "But other than that, it was cool!" Zoe nodded and drew her lips in a line. She was trying so hard to relieve any awkwardness, and was hoping there would be no dead air between the two. Even though she kind of wanted to confront Roxie about what happened the night before, she knew that was a big no-no in their relationship.
"Uh, you want a coffee, babe?" Roxie pointed towards the counter. "I-I didn't wanna order one and then have it get cold."
"No, I'm good. I had a lot of coffee at brunch. I'm like way amped."
"Okay," Roxie took an awkward sip.
"Your moms let you take him out, huh?" Zoe broke the momentary silence and pointed at Gabriel. "He's so cute all bundled up like that; like a little Eskimo." she cooed.
"He's probably burning up," Roxie chuckled. "And according to the clock, he can only be out for like twenty more minutes before I have to have back home."
"No way!" Zoe laughed. "They have you on a time limit on how long he can be out? That's classic!"
"I know, they're fucking embarrassing."
"No, they're like the most adorable parents ever!"
"No, don't encourage them!" Roxie laughed.
The young couple's laughing eventually dropped off into what they both dreaded the most; complete dead air. They knew what the other probably wanted to talk about - they knew what probably needed to be talked about. But neither budged at first. Zoe could never take prolonged dead air for long though, and finally had to say something.
"Roxie, about last night-"
"Don't, Zoe!" Roxie lifted her hand. "We don't have to, okay?"
"I just want you to know it's okay, baby."
"Don't, don't do that..." Roxie looked at her cup and bit her cheek.
"It was just really scary, Roxie." Zoe reached over to gently grab her wrist. "If it was scary for me, I know it was a hundred times scarier for you. I can't even imagine."
"...You can't..." Roxie whispered and flashed her dark eyes up.
"You're right... I can't," Zoe echoed and swallowed. "But you can help me. You can tell me. Okay, I already know about the cigarette burns and the scars on your body-"
"Zoe," Roxie slowly shook her head. "You don't want to know details, okay? Trust me on this."
Zoe looked at her girlfriend and had no choice but to respect her decision. She had put herself out there and took a chance. And in the end, that's all Zoe could do. When Roxie wanted to let her in, she would let her in. That was that. Zoe wouldn't bring it up anymore from that moment on.
"Okay..." Zoe nodded. "I'm sorry. But I love you and I'm here for you. That's all."
"I know," Roxie leaned forward for a soft kiss. "Let's get Gaby home now before my moms flip out. I'll let you loop your arm in mine as we push him in the stroller. It'll make you feel like we're playing house..." she nudged her with her forehead and teased.
"Oh see, now that just sounds perfect." Zoe giggled and was genuinely excited about playing house some more with her girlfriend for the rest of the day.
"Let's go."
Roxie stood and slipped on Zoe's backpack to carry it for her. She made sure the blanket was snug around Gabriel and his beanie was on tight before going out into the cold. The three of them departed up the block and home. The walk was quiet, but pleasant. And Roxie was contemplative. She had trust issues that made it hard to let anyone in. But Zoe wasn't just anyone, she remembered. She was probably the love of her life, and Roxie was inching towards fully letting her in.
"Oh my god!" Roxie trudged over to Zoe on the couch with the baby monitor in her hand after finally getting her brother to sleep later that night. "Seriously, I talk a lot of shit when my moms complain about how exhausting parenthood is. But I literally feel like an eight month old baby kicked my ass! How's that even possible?" Roxie laughed and plopped on the couch, laying her head in Zoe's lap.
"Awww, you need a foot massage?" Zoe ran her fingers through Roxie's hair.
"Mm, that would be nice..." Roxie pulled Zoe down my the shirt and into a smoldering kiss. "Did you have fun playing house all weekend?"
"Mhm," Zoe grinned. "I even enjoyed the part where you put on one of Mrs. LP's weird aprons and made me some fish tacos. We were like mad domesticated all weekend!" she laughed.
"If you play your cards right, I'll make you breakfast in the morning before more spies come to check on me."
"Ohh, so what are my cards and what do I have to do to play them right?" Zoe flirted back, causing Roxie to let out a big laugh.
"You're a dork, you know that?" Roxie reached up to caress Zoe's cheek.
"You love it," she turned to kiss her palm.
They just gazed into each other's eyes for a moment, and something finally released in Roxie. An opening cracked and she felt compelled, downright comfortable to finally be able to open up a bit. Roxie sat up without breaking eye contact, gathering herself before speaking. She grabbed Zoe's hand and played with her fingers.
"His name was Ramon. He was one of my mom's boyfriends..." Roxie swallowed.
"Okay..." Zoe perked up and her throat tightened before she even realized what was going on.
"There was a lot of boyfriends, you know? But... he was the worst. Most of my nightmares are because of him." Roxie looked off into space and began to tear up ever so slightly.
Zoe searched her face and rolled her lips. "He can't hurt you anymore, Rox."
"I know," Roxie swallowed. "He just did a lot of bad stuff, Zo. It still feels so fresh in my mind, like it happened yesterday. And no matter how much therapy or sessions with Levy, I still see his fucking face!" she let out a shaky breath and a single tear fall.
"Okay, just relax, babe." Zoe grabbed Roxie's other hand and tried to calm her down. She had wanted to be let in so badly, but was totally unequipped to deal with the fallout. Zoe was getting an intimate look into what Dr. Levy probably saw three days a week, and it was frightening.
"Do you know how it is to wake up every morning and feel like the scars are fresh?" Roxie wiped her tears.
"I can't imagine, Rox." Zoe sighed.
"It sucks..." Roxie sniffled and wiped her nose.
Zoe wished she could say something to make it better, but nothing was coming to her except one thing. She suddenly stood up and held her hand out for Roxie.
"Come with me," she softly demanded. Roxie looked her hand up and down in confusion before taking it with utter confidence.
Zoe gently led her by the hand into Roxie's bedroom. She set the dimmer to the most intimate setting, and led Roxie to sit on the end of her own bed. Roxie was silent and stared at Zoe, nervously fiddling with the baby monitor before tossing it on her extra chair. She watched as Zoe walked over to her record collection and rummaged through until she found what she was looking for. Zoe blew on the dusty vinyl, then set it on the record player.
The hairs on the back of Roxie's neck stood up as soon as the lush acoustic guitar intro to Mazzy Star's Fade Into You came through the speakers. And she felt something emotional in the pit of her stomach once the sharp sound of the second surf guitar came along underneath the acoustic strings. She swallowed as Zoe walked towards her, again holding out her hand out.
"Dance with me?" she softly asked. Roxie smiled and took her hand.
I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
The couple swayed and slow danced in Roxie's room as the 90's alternative classic played in the background. Roxie slid her arms around Zoe's neck, burying her face in her crook, and breathing her in.
You live your life
You go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there.
Zoe turned and kissed her forehead as they rocked. She let her lips graze back and forth, wanting Roxie to feel something so soft and know she was there for her wholeheartedly.
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew
Roxie finally looked back up and into Zoe's eyes as they swayed, and still couldn't believe her luck. Zoe blushed, and she was always flattered when Roxie looked at her like that; like she was the only girl on the planet. They softly kissed, and Zoe began walking Roxie backwards towards her bed with their lips still locked.
Roxie sat at the end of her bed, bringing Zoe slowly down into her lap. They softly smacked their lips and gently probed with their tongues. It wasn't rushed, but comfortable. They kissed just like that for what seemed a lifetime; the album already on a different track before Zoe broke the kiss.
She cupped Roxie's face and brushed her cheeks with her thumbs, gazing into her eyes. "You know, all that bad stuff that happened to you...?" she whispered. "It doesn't define you, Rox. Those little pieces of you that all those people took; you're slowly getting them back, baby..."
"I know..." Roxie breathed out behind glassy eyes.
Zoe kissed her lips, then pulled her own shirt off before pulling off Roxie's. Zoe stood up and shimmied out of her jeans, panties, and bra. It was an emotional moment, but Roxie still got a kick out of how fast her girlfriend could undress when sexy times were in the balance. She laid back as Zoe leaned down to remove her pants, and in a flash she was just as naked. Roxie scooted back onto her bed with Zoe slowly crawling after her, and Mazzy Star still playing the background.
Roxie laid down before hitting her headboard and Zoe crawled up her body. She hovered and looked into her eyes, flickering them before leaning down to kiss one of Roxie's worst scars; a cigarette burn on her right collarbone. She pressed another kiss to a scar on her upper shoulder. Zoe led a trail of kisses down to her left rib cage at a few scars on Roxie's side.
She kissed and Roxie shivered, but not because she was cold; rather the emotion was getting too strong. Zoe hovered again to make sure Roxie was fine before she continued. Roxie nodded and Zoe placed two gentle kisses to her eyelids before sitting up between her legs. She pulled her up, lifted Roxie into her lap, and the two resumed their gentle kissing as Roxie straddled Zoe.
The kissing picked up as Zoe rubbed her hands up and down Roxie's thighs, lower back, then shoulders. She made sure to gently graze her fingertips over the scars on Roxie's shoulderblades.
"Oh..." Roxie breathed out as Zoe nibbled her way up her jawline and neck. Her arousal was growing with their centers in such close proximity, and she started to slightly rock.
Zoe took it as a sign to pick things up and licked back down across her collarbone, down the center of Roxie's breast before taking a nipple between her lips. She grazed it with her tongue, then gently sucked. Zoe hummed into her before moving to the other nipple.
"Fuck..." Roxie arched into Zoe's mouth and hissed. There were few better feelings in the world than Zoe's mouth on her nipples.
Her grinding motions became more rhythmic and Zoe squeezed her ass at the same time she tickled the other hand down Roxie's stomach before kissing her way back up to her beautiful plump lips. She slipped her tongue in at the same time she slipped a finger into Roxie's slippery seam.
"Oh my god!" Roxie moaned into her mouth and bucked into Zoe hand.
The pace started off steady, then quickly picked up. Roxie gasped and rocked. Zoe moaned in appreciation and picked up the pace. She added a thumb to gently massage her girlfriend's clit, and Roxie was seeing the universe. She wrapped her legs around Zoe and held on tight. Zoe slipped in a second finger, gently thrusting to meet Roxie's grinding.
"Oh fuck..." Roxie tried to hold on.
"Look at me, baby. You're so beautiful..." Zoe leaned her forehead in, nudging her to look her in the eyes. And that's all it took when their eyes met - that's all it ever usually took when they were this intimately connected.
Roxie writhed and shook in Zoe's arms. She moaned out between sharp whiny breaths. And Zoe swallowed some of them with her kisses as Roxie's orgasm rippled through her extremities. She gently massaged her clit, bringing her down until the twitching stopped and the tightness around her fingers was released. Roxie caught her breath against Zoe's shoulder.
"I love you..." Roxie barely murmured above a whisper, still breathing hard.
"I love you too..." Zoe finally removed her fingers and held Roxie tight in her lap for a moment.
Zoe finally rolled them over and under the covers. Normally, the night wouldn't be over until she got hers too. But tonight wasn't a normal night, and tonight wasn't about her. Roxie was exhausted as she stared back into the sparkling eyes of Zoe. Babysitting for almost two days coupled with one of the worst night terrors she's had in a long time had her feeling beat, and ready to sleep a thousand years.
Roxie smiled at Zoe as her eyes got heavier and heavier. She noticed Zoe's eyes drooping as well before feeling her signature goodnight kiss to the tip of her nose. Roxie let out a content sigh as the couple faded into each other.
There would be no nightmares tonight. And Roxie now had confidence she could someday live a life where there would be no nightmares ever again, because Zoe was right. She was slowly getting those pieces back.