The Diary of an Ordinary Girl
February 18, 2006
So, I turned 17 two days ago. I feel, strangely, more mature. I suppose I realize now, better than before, that I'm getting closer to college and becoming and adult. I worry that I won't ever leave home and experience life in the real world. To see the unspeakable and feel the unthinkable. I wonder if ever I'll become successful, rich, happy or if I'll ever begin dating.
I'm applying to Ralph's for a part-time job. I really hope I get the job. Because then it will be the first real step to becoming an adult, to indicate I can bear responsibilities and that I am ready for the real world. I'm afraid that if I don't get this job or if I don't start driving then I'll be a child forever.
I want to go to a college far away. Mother and Rene (mom's boyfriend of 3 years) keep telling me to go to a college close by home but in my heart I refuse. The longer I stay home, or close by, the longer I remain dependent. I want to be independent, free from my family and everything I think I know. I think that if maybe I get away from everything I know I can become a different person, start my life over again, do things differently. God knows I can't stand my life right now. I knowi should be the last person to complain and that I should be thankful for all the things I have. But yet I still feel the need to escape, to runaway, to be free. I want to release my sould. Either to someone's heart or…
I love the wind. The wind always reminds me that I'm alive in this unreal world. This world full of injustice, poverty, cruelty, greed and judgement. The wind makes me feel so spiritual. It remeinds e of the things I don't know. It reminds me that someday, maybe (hopefully), the wind will be replaced by a man. One whome I love and loves me back. The wind is like my blanket that warms my soul.
I love the mountains. Whenever I see them I always, or most of the time, think of unknown places, undiscovered with mysterious animals, beautiful flowers and trees and possibly beautiful creatures, mythological creatures.
I dream of becoming and actor. I care for nothing else.i do not care for law, medicine,science or math. My heart belongs to acting and not a soul knows. I've treid to tell mother but whenever I begin I stop myself for some reason. I treid to tell Alex (my best friend since the 5th grade) as well but when I think about putting my thoughts into words it just seems silly. To act. To become an actor. Possibly 6 out of 10 people want to become some sort of actor or musician. So what makes me different than all the other people? Do I hold a greater talent that outshines the other people? I don't think so. Just in drama class, Mr. Pitts (the teacher of course) says I'm one of his strongest actors. But he doesn't realize that I want to be the BEST! I want to outshine them all. I want to show emotion and do things that none of them have yet done or seen. Is that selfish of me? Too ambitious? Or is it just too vain? Oh, I don't know but one thing I know for sure is how I feel. Whether right or wrong I do not care.
I dream of traveling around the world. I dream of becoming an inspiration to others. I dream of telling my story to millions of people around the world. I dream of sex. I dream of boys. I dream of perfection in my mind, soul and especially my body. I dream of peace and happiness for all. I dream of money. I dream of one day not feeling guilty or shameful for speaking to my father (whose been divorced from my mother since I can remember), even though he could have been the reason of my death and my mother's unhappiness. I dream of romance. I dream of "what if's". I dream of beauty and love and friendship lasting a lifetime. And most importantly I dream of the future.
I understand that things happen for a reason. I understand it may be difficult to understand the reasoning. I also realizer that if it was meant to happen it will. I trust that so truly and utterly that I would bet my soul.
But the one thing I truly act immature about is "when". I grow impatient. When will these things happen? When?! I am yet 17 years of age and still am anticipating the day that all my dreams come true. I suppose I still hae the rest of my life to live. I really hope it doesn't continue this way. This utterly depressing way. I am not 17 years old and need to take charge of my life! Oh, God! I just don't feel like it.
Good night,
Ericka
February 20, 2006
Okay, I've decided to write at least once a day in this journal thingy of mine. So in the last two days I've had fun. Saturday – I did nothing. But yesterday was good. Me, Jess (my other best friend since the 5th grade) went to see "The Date Movie". It was hilarious, gross, and quite disturbing but it was good. Then we ate at Johnny Rocket's and afterwards we all hung out at Jess' house. I slept over. We talked about boys, family and religion. (which remind me never to talk about religion. I just get so UGH afterwards and also because I might insult someone and it just isn't polite). Then we watched "Just Like Heaven". Eh, just a typical chich flick. I predicted how the movie would end and half the other things in the movie. So, I got into Jess' p.j's then went to sleep. In the morning we had breakfast and that's pretty much it. So this weekend was much different from my usual weekend.
I got my grades. All A's and 2 B+'s. Oh well. I tried, really I did. I guess all I can do is to improve those B's to A's next cemester.
Oh I finally submitted my Ralph's application. I really hope I get the job.
I have a bad tummy ache and I still need to pick my monologue for drama. Oh, I guess that's all I want to say. This was much shorter than my last one.
Btw, I think, no I know I'm ready for a relationship with a boy. Don't you think so? Ai Caramba, one day I will write in this damn journal that I, Ericka, have a boyfriend. I'll write it so large it'll take up four pages. I just hope it'll be soon. Actually, scratch that, I'll wait (some more). It'll happen when it happens.
Love,
Ericka