Disclaimer: PetFly owns 'em (lucky dogs), I'm just borrowing them and sticking words in their mouths.
Rating: PG
Summary: Blair distracts Jim from his paperwork.

Poopsie
by Flunky Chickenhead

Jim Ellison had been working on reports all morning, and was rapidly losing what little enthusiasm he'd had for the task when he'd started. He had a headache pounding away behind his eyes from staring at the screen for so long, and no relief was in sight because Blair had to spend the whole day at the University and wouldn't be coming in to take over for him.

After a too-short coffee break, he sat back down in his chair and prepared for a few more hours of paperwork hell. Then he saw a message from Sandburg in his email box. "From Lumpy Pizzapants," read the subject line.

Jim did a double-take. Pizzapants? What? Boredom, curiosity, and an excuse to procrastinate made him open the email.

To: jellisoncpd. From Lumpy Pizzapants

The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dave Pilkey: The evil Professor who forces everyone to assume new names...

Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name:
a stinky
b lumpy (me!)
c buttercup
d gidget
e crusty
f greasy
g fluffy
h cheeseball
i chim-chim
j poopsie (Hi, Poopsie!)
k flunky
l booger
m pinky
n zippy
o goober
p doofus
q slimy
r loopy
s snotty
t falafel
u dorkey
v squeezit
w oprah
x skipper
y dinky
z zsa-zsa

Use the first letter of your last name to determine the first half of your NEW last name:
a diaper
b toilet
c giggle
d bubble
e girdle (Ha! Poopsie wears a girdle!)
f barf
g lizard
h waffle
i cootie
j monkey
k potty
l liver
m banana
n rhino
o burger
p hamster
q toad
r gizzard
s pizza (Ugh.)
t gerbil
u chicken
v pickle
w chuckle
x tofu
y gorilla
z stinker

Use the last letter of your last name to determine the second half of your NEW last name:
a head
b mouth
c face
d nose
e tush
f breath
g pants
h shorts
i lips
j honker
k butt
l brain
m tushie
n chunks (LOL!)
o hiney
p biscuits
q toes
r buns
s fanny
t sniffer
u sprinkles
v kisser
w squirt
x humperdinck
y brains
z juice

Thus, for example, George Bush's new name is Fluffy Toiletshorts. Go figure. :)

Jim shook his head in consternation. What kind of name was Poopsie Girdlechunks, anyway? He carefully composed his response.

To: jellisoncpd. Shut up, Lumpy See subject line. And if you ever call me Poopsie, I'll shove your laptop up your ass. So what are you up to that you have the time for this kind of nonsense? I'm writing reports. --JIM ELLISON (not Poopsie!) PS- You should try calling Simon "Snotty Toiletpizza" the next time you come in and see what he says.

Jim hit the "send" button and got back to work, his headache gone and a smile on his face. A few minutes later, he got an answering message.

To: jellisoncpd. Bite me, Poopsie

I'd like to see you try. The day I get beat up by a guy named Poopsie is the day I cut my hair. It ain't happenin' bruthah!
I'm grading exams. Oodles of fun, I tell you.

--Lumpy

PS- I dare you to call Simon that. Double-dog.

To: jellisoncpd. Oodles? Triple dog.

To: jellisoncpd. You're on.

Tomorrow. Wait for it.

--Lumpy, the soon-to-be-deceased

Everyone in Major Crimes would wonder for the rest of the day why Jim would burst into giggles--honest to god giggles!--for no apparent reason every few minutes. And why in the midst of those giggles, he would mutter "Lumpy" or "Toiletpizza" under his breath. But he was in a better mood, which was a good thing for everyone, so they just let it go.

End