Dean would be lying if he said that he wasn't looking forward to that email he got every day at exactly noon.
He'd met Castiel online after looking for book recommendations. His brother, Sam, had agreed to get him the full Dr. Sexy MD boxsets if he read an actual book.
It had started as just one simple recommendation. Which then, of course, turned into another, and another, until the two were exchanging emails and talking about more than just books.
Cas told Dean about his huge family which he tended to avoid most of the time and Dean would tell Cas about Sammy and his girlfriend Jessica.
He told Cas of his lowest moments. And of him dropping out of school. Dean had almost started looking up to the other man once he'd found out Cas had even gone to college. Stanford no less. Which was where his brother kept claiming he would go.
Dean was grinning widely when he opened up the new email.
Hello Dean,
I trust you are well. I also hope you are enjoying the book, I thought you would.
One of my brothers, Gabriel, is forcing me to go to a party tomorrow. He also keeps saying he has 'found the perfect girl for me'. But I sincerely doubt that.
How has your brother's application for Stanford been going? I can always put in a recommendation if you would like. It's the least I can do.
I'm afraid I'm on a time limit today, but I shall speak to you more tomorrow.
Yours truly,
Castiel.
Dean filed it away with all of the other messages and quickly typed out a reply, saying that he was enjoying the book and that Sam was doing fine. He sighed as he looked over his writing before clicking the 'send' button. He didn't really have a way with words like Castiel did. Cas' seemed to just flow perfectly, whereas Dean's seemed almost robotic and emotionless. He did try. After all, Cas was practically his best friend, as sad as that seemed.
Once again, Dean shut down his computer and went about his daily life, waiting eagerly for noon tomorrow.
The next day he and Cas messaged back and forth before Cas had to leave for the party. Cas told him about finding Gabriel making out with another man. From the way he said it, Dean could tell that he didn't approve. For some reason unknown to him, the fact caused a terrible pain in Dean's heart.
The two eventually turned on their webcams and Dean felt something different than the other times they'd spoken like this.
Cas' eyes seemed that much more bright today, his face in a more natural smile. It made Dean's heart beat faster and his cheeks flush red.
He couldn't like Cas. He'd never even met the guy face to face. For all Dean knew, he was a total dick outside his emails.
But the way Cas talked… it just seemed to right.
And once the two had said their goodbyes and logged off, Dean found himself longing for more.
Hello Dean,
The party itself was awful. The music was too loud and there were too many disorderly drunks to count.
However, there is one bright spot to my ordeal. I met a girl when I attempted to exit. She was sick of the chaos, too. Her name's Hannah. We stopped by the local diner and talked for a while. She seems nice, very grounded. I think you would like her.
We're going to meet again in a week. It's strange. I've never really done this before.
However, I'm sure you don't need me going on. Actually, I was thinking we could meet up in person at some point, if you can manage it. Say, a month from now?
I'd be able to arrange travel and lodging if you need it.
Yours truly,
Castiel.
Dean's heart stopped when he read about this 'Hannah' girl. He'd seen this before when Sam first met Jess.
Why was he even getting so worked up about this? It wasn't like Cas liked him. Heck, he wasn't even sure if Cas liked men. He surely didn't act like he did.
Dean pushed away his thoughts. Picking up his book, he decided he would just read for the remainder of the day.
Hello Dean,
I'm glad you're able to visit. You could always stay in the guest room or, if you would prefer, there's a motel just off from the main road.
I saw Hannah again today. Without the alcohol clouding my brain, she's actually very pretty. I can't seem to form proper and coherent words around her. She just seemed to laugh it off, however, and arranged for another meeting. Should I go? This is more of Gabriel's area than mine, I'm afraid. I may have to ask him for advice, and that will surely be a disaster.
Yours truly,
Castiel.
The painful knot in Dean's stomach had only grown. He had started to dislike this 'Hannah' woman for no other reason than she had Castiel's complete and undivided attention. It was probably selfish for Dean to want the man to himself, but he had known Cas longer than this girl had. Yet all he seemed to talk about was her.
Dean was unable to sleep that night.
There was no email the next day. Dean had gone into a state of panic. Was his friend okay? Sam had eventually calmed him down, explaining that Castiel did have a life of his own, and couldn't send Dean emails every day.
Dean was still worried, however. He was going to drive to meet Cas the next day. After a full year of computer text and pixelated faces, he was finally going to talk to the man in person.
He missed the daily email that day. He had a long drive, after all.
The man had parked his Impala outside the café Cas had specified. He made his way inside only to stop in his tracks.
Cas was sitting in a booth in the corner, laughing with a young and obviously pretty woman.
He pulled out his phone hastily and checked the email he had received that day.
Hello Dean,
About our meeting, I hope it's not too much of an inconvenience but I invited Hannah as well-
Dean refused to read the rest. He looked up at Cas and Hannah again to see them both leaning in closer. Dean turned and ran out of the café and back to his car. He kicked it in anger, ignoring the searing pain in his foot.
He'd expected this, hadn't he? It's not like Cas would ever feel that way about Dean, why should anyone? There was always someone better, someone smarter, someone funnier.
He considered going back inside and taking it in his stride, but he didn't think he could look at Cas again now. So he put the keys into the ignition and drove away.
Hello Dean,
I waited for you. Even when Hannah had left. I don't understand. You said you'd be there.
If you get this, is there any way we try this again sometime perhaps? Just the two of us, I promise.
Yours truly,
Castiel.
Hello Dean,
Is everything alright? You've been gone for almost a week.
Hannah and I are dating, now. Gabriel almost threw a party to celebrate
Did Sam get into Stanford? Are you both well?
Yours truly,
Castiel.
Hello Dean,
Dean, it's been over a month. Where are you?
Was it something I said? I could help if you would just talk to me. We're friends, after all.
If you don't reply, I shall attempt to contact Sam. I'm sorry, but I do not want to throw away our friendship.
Yours truly,
Castiel.
Cas had stayed true to his word and soon he'd gotten an angry call from his brother demanding to know what was going on. Dean had told his everything was fine and Sam eventually dropped it.
Hello Dean,
Dean, please. I don't know what to do.
I'm marrying Hannah. We got engaged three months ago.
After this year of silence, I know you most likely won't get this but, if you do, I want you to come.
For me, Dean. Just this once. It would mean the world to me.
Yours truly,
Castiel.
Dean watched from afar as confetti was thrown over the happy couple. He could feel his heart breaking as they left the church.
But he still didn't go to him, he refused.
Even when Cas called out for him.
Hello Dean,
I don't know why I'm still sending you these. I guess it gives me some peace of mind.
I never told you, but I saw your car at the wedding two years ago. I just wish you would've talked to me.
I have books to recommend if you wish me to share them. It's been too long since I've done that for you.
Yours truly,
Castiel.
Hello Dean,
I haven't given up hope. Not yet.
Hannah's given birth. We named him Dean, you know. I thought you'd appreciate it.
I've tried calling Sam but even he doesn't know where you are.
Just pay us a visit, Dean. I'll send you the address.
Yours truly,
Castiel.
But Dean never visited.
He knew he still loved Cas.
So he knew he deserved some kind of closure.
Cas,
Been a while, hasn't it?
Look, I'm sorry about disappearing. I thought it would be best.
You're still the best friend I ever had, Cas. Nothing will change that.
But I always wanted so much more. But you were happy, Cas, and I couldn't screw that up for you.
I'm leaving, Cas. And I probably won't come back.
I just wanted you to know the truth first. You don't have to worry about me anymore. Just live your life – do that for me Cas.
Yours forever,
Dean.
Castiel let a lone tear roll down his face as he finished reading.
"Oh, Dean. I'm such an idiot. I'm so sorry."
-End