Hello again, another sort of fluffy idea I had floating around, so let me know what you think?
Thanks to all the amazing regulars!
Another Forever.
"One more!". Gail slurred out hitting the bar counter with the palm of her hand.
But Andy was shaking her head, she couldn't handle 'one more' tequila.
It felt good to be here, like this; it had been a long time.
A really long time.
"Pweese! You owe me!". Gail said lining up the shot glasses that Liam set down in front of her.
Andy eyes Gail, then the shot glasses, letting out a low groan.
It was a sunday afternoon and it was barely three pm and they were fully loaded after Andy convicted Gail that they needed to talk.
Since Andy and Nick had come back from Dakota, things had gotten a lot more complicated in some departments, and less in others. So Andy decided that it was time to uncomplicated some things by setting them free.
They'd been back a little over a month, and for those weeks it was hard adjusting. Adjusting to getting in between Gail and Nick unknowingly, hard watching Sam with his new girlfriend. Patching up her friendship with Gail was the worst; Gail thought that she had a thing with Nick because they were really close and he was just trying to be there for her to lean on when he found out that Sam had moved on.
So here they were, just the two of them at the Penny.
They had done a lot of talking and Andy had cleared things up, and then they had done a lot of drinking; way more than they probably should have. But Gail was celebrating, she had her friend back, and she had Nick back. Sort of.
She just needed to tell him that now.
Gail called a cab a short while later, leaving Andy to her own devices as she went in search of Nick to apologize, although now probably wasn't the best time.
Andy was finishing her beer, alone in a corner letting her mind drift away.
She had honestly expected Sam to be waiting when she came home; after everything he had said to her the day that she left.
But he wasn't.
Things with them were a little tense when she first came home, it was like that awkwardness after the blackout. But they seemed to move past it really quickly.
Until the night he gave her a ride home after she came back to the barn really late and everyone had already left.
They kind of ended having words when she forgot to have the filter to her inner voice switched on.
Sam had even gone as far as to say that she had gotten him back when she told him that he broke her heart. He said it like she was a spoiled child, like she had left because she was vengeful and spiteful. He also blamed her for walking away from them again, bringing up their suspension to hover at half mast between them.
She gave up talking after he said that and just got out the truck and walked away.
After that it was easier to avoid him, because he was doing the same thing. But at work, inevitably it never lasted too long.
When they crossed paths it was okay, better that it had been when she first came home.
But she had learned to cover things up, keep secrets and hide her emotions. Being under did that to a person.
So he never saw the hurt she felt when she caught him kissing Marlo in the break room, or the regret she felt when she saw it again in the parking lot.
He would never seen the slight pang of jealousy she felt either, that he was doing it with his new girlfriend, when he didn't do any of it with her. He wouldn't see it because she would never let him see it, never show it if he was around.
But besides the heartache and devastation she felt in that department, she thought that Sam looked really happy.
Happier and more passionate that he had with her.
Sliding off her chair when Liam told her that her cab was waiting outside Andy shook her head. This was never part of the plan- it wasn't how it was supposed to go.
She was supposed to come home after six months away with her head screwed on straight after giving Sam the time and space he needed to get himself together.
Instead she came home to have her heart broken all over again.
Giving the cabbie the address, Andy slumped against the back of the seat, trying to push all thoughts of Sam out of her mind.
Until they stopped.
Andy handed the cabbie cash and got out before he drove away.
When she turned around she saw Sam's house. She had been so wrapped up in thoughts of him that she gave his address to the cabbie without thinking.
She stood swaying as she stared at the house. For all of three seconds before she moved towards the stairs that led to the front door.
She tripped a few times going up them, thankful it wasn't raining or snowing because that would have ended with her face down on the wooden deck.
Before she gave herself time to think, she let her hand bang on the door, without realizing that the door was closer than she had anticipated.
Sam just got back from spending the weekend at Sarah's in ST Catherines.
It had been a while since he had seen her, six and a half months actually. He needed the break, the time away.
He'd been home for less than ten minutes when he heard the movement on his deck. Whoever was here was unstable on their feet.
He swung the door open to stop the pounding on it when life suddenly stopped moving.
There stood Andy, her hand on the wall, like she was using it to hold herself up.
This was the precise reason that he had gone to Sarah's and now here it stood on his front doorstep.
"You alone?". She huffed out, Sam catching the potent smell of alcohol on her breath.
He looked down just for a second, just enough time to take a breath and hold himself together.
But she didn't wait for an answer, it was like it wouldn't make any difference to her if he was alone or not.
"Do you love her?".
That made Sam's head snap back up, all the glue he gathered to hold himself together melting away as he saw Andy's face.
She really wanted to know.
"Andy...". How was he supposed to answer that?
He had an answer but now wasn't the time to be doing this. Or doing it like this.
"I just want to know. I need to make sense of everything, to feel like I didn't make a mistake". Her words were slurred and almost incoherent; making Sam wonder how much she had to drink.
She never drank much, ever. She was too scared of ending up like her dad.
Andy let go of the wall, and started swaying, her inability to cover flat surfaces was one thing when she was sober, but Sam didn't see her making it anywhere now, not like this.
He stepped aside, breaking his promise to himself to not let her in, or let her get close. He couldn't just leave her out there like that.
He would call her a cab and get them to take her to Traci's. No matter how much of her stubborn side came out, he wouldn't make the same mistake again, this time he would make sure that she left.
And breezed in through the door, bumping into Sam a little as she misjudged the space between him and the doorframe.
She eventually stopped when she made it inside and just hovered around inside the doorway.
Sam closed the door and let out a long sigh.
Why was this so damned hard?
"Sit". Sam said nodding towards the couch. But she didn't move, she just stood there staring at him, the cogs in her mind whirring away at a million miles a second.
Sam left her standing there, and headed for the kitchen. Strong coffee might be a good idea before he put her in a cab.
When he had made her strong coffee, he carried the mug through to the lounge, no sign of Andy.
Looking over the back of the couch he found her curled up and passed out.
He was gone for less than three minutes and she was totally dead to the world.
He set the coffee down and moved around the couch to crouch down in front of her. His hand swept stray strands of hair out of her face while he called her quietly. But there was no response.
There was no way that she was waking up.
Sam left her to sleep, and drank the coffee while sitting watching her.
She looked more peaceful now that she was sleeping than she had recently when he saw her around the barn.
She looked better than when she came back, then she had looked like she'd been to hell and back.
Now she looked like she had when he woke up next to her in the mornings.
When he had finished the coffee Sam slipped her shoes off and carried her to bed. His bed.
He pulled the covers over her and walked out the room, closing the door behind him.
She hadn't even come close to stirring when he moved her, so she would be out for a while.
Sam just left his bedroom when he heard another knock on his door, this one softer and more controlled.
When he opened the door, Marlo was standing on the other side smiling broadly when she saw him.
She said hello and leaned in for a kiss, but Sam turned his face away and her lips brushed over his cheek.
He held the door open, no point in trying to hide anything right?
As soon as she stepped into the lounge her eyes settled on Andy's shoes next to the couch where he left them when he took them off.
"They're McNally's"
Marlo turned to face Sam her eyebrows shooting up into her hairline.
"I'm sorry?".
"It's not what you think".
She seemed to have trouble believing that line.
"She showed up really loaded, she passed out on the couch".
"And where is she now?".
"Sleeping it off". He really didn't need to explain anymore.
Marlo was watching him really carefully, like she was trying to read his mind.
"Still think it's in the past?".
That was what he had said to her when Andy came back, that they were in the past. Now he wasn't so sure.
Sam couldn't answer that, not without incriminating himself.
"This isn't going to work Sam" Marlo said waving her hand between them.
"Not when you haven't let her go".
"I thought I had".
"Maybe, but it doesn't change anything".
She was right, it didn't change anything.
"Maybe it's a good thing that she came over. You really should talk to her". Marlo inched towards the door, wearing a smile.
Sam was relieved, in a lot of ways.
He had gone to Sarah's to clear his head and make up his mind, now he just had to follow through with his decisions... Which seemed like it would be really hard.
But Marlo made it easier by stepping up to the plate before he had the chance too.
When she left, Sam felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, like the world wasn't such a bad place after all.
He checked on Andy, who was still in the same position he'd left her in.
He left the door open a crack this time, in case she woke up.
He ordered food for them, and sat staring at the TV, not really paying attention.
Three hours later Andy was still fast asleep, so he grabbed a shower and ate without her.
It was a little after nine pm when he heard her let out a groan. She was waking up and it sounded like she was already badly hungover.
He stood in the doorway watching her as she lifted her hand to her face where she left it for a while. Her fingers began rubbing her eyes, something she did when she was tired or just waking up.
He watched as her head drifted from side to side on his pillow as she took her surroundings in.
That was when she bolted upright and the panic set it.
She let out a heartbreaking sound as she threw back the covers and got to her feet. She knew where she was, and she had remembered how she got here.
She stopped suddenly when she noticed Sam leaning against the doorframe watching her.
She looked like she wanted to cry right now, but she covered it up as quickly as it had appeared.
"I'm so sorry". She mumbled looking away.
She took a few seconds to shift around uncomfortably before looking down and heading for the door.
Just as she got close enough, Sam pushed off the doorframe and blocked her escape route by stepping in front of her.
Andy's head lifted, sad eyes looking at him as she stopped.
"I shouldn't have come...". Andy had her hands rammed into her back pockets as she tried to make it past Sam and out the door, but he wasn't letting her.
He eventually stepped back and stood in the doorway, his hands holding onto the doorframe.
"Why did you?".
"No idea".
Sam's eyes slid into slits as he watched her, he had made out what she had said about why she was here earlier.
"You're really beautiful when you lie".
Andy's eyes widened and she let out a soft gasp when he said that. He didn't mean to say it, he was thinking it and it just slipped out.
"I... I just wanted to know if I made a mistake... But I didn't, I shouldn't have come".
Her arm's were wrapped around her waist, the familiar sight making him hate himself for the few times he'd seen her stand like that- shielding herself from what he was saying.
"Walking away from us again? Yeah that was a mistake". Sam said the words a little harsher than he intended to, but now that she was back the wounds felt fresh and new.
The rawness coming back to haunt him.
She looked away, he really hit a nerve.
"But I did it too, made the same mistake".
That seemed to draw her attention back to him, her lips in a thin line as she pursed them together to bite back whatever it was that she wanted to say.
"I um... I need to go". Andy said looking at the door again. She shouldn't be here.
But then she noticed that Sam was shaking his head.
"Nope". He finally found his voice.
"I need to go home".
"We need to talk first, before I let you go".
Andy huffed out a breath in frustration.
"We don't do that very well". It almost sounded like a challenge.
Almost.
"It's where we should have started". Sam countered. If he could have talked more, they wouldn't need to do this now.
Sam let go of the doorframe and stepped inside the room, if she wanted to run he would let her go.
He couldn't keep her here, not when she had the same look on her face now that she had the day she took him down and learned that he was a UC cop.
The scared deer in the headlights look.
Andy took him moving out the door as a sign that she could leave, so she walked through the doorway; her eyes searching for her shoes.
She found them next to the couch and sat down to put them on, Sam hovering in the hall.
She had the first one on and laced up when she reached for the second one.
"No". Sam suddenly said out aloud into the silence.
Andy looked up at him, like she was confused.
"Your first question, when you got here? No".
It took Andy a while to remember what she had said, but when she did, it was written all over her face. That and the fact that she dropped her shoe.
Her hand swept out as she bent over to pick it up and shoved it onto her foot. She stood up abruptly and looked between Sam and the door.
"Are you ever not going to run?". Sam said louder than the no he had uttered.
Andy turned to face him, her lip between her teeth. She couldn't deny that it was what she was about to do, it was what she always did, what she did to them in the past.
"Are you ever not going to give up on me?". She suddenly blurted out, a tense anger laced around her words.
Wow, that sliced through Sam. That's what she thought. That he gave up on her?
"Andy I never gave up on you".
"But you gave up on us when things got tough?".
"I gave up on me".
That made Andy's fiery edge slip away, he seemed so lost when he said those words.
"Why?".
Sam pinched his eyes closed just for a few seconds, when he opened them he found Andy wearing a softer face, like she had been defeated.
"Because I wasn't enough".
"What?".
"I couldn't save Jerry. I couldn't save us, I wasn't enough".
"Sam you can't save everyone. Jerry would still be here if I had been thinking straight".
"But it wasn't your fault".
Sam was still blaming himself for Jerry, his eyes flaring in the same sadness that he had worn that day.
"Do you have any idea what it felt like to be glad that it wasn't you he took? Yeah, I was happy that it was someone else and not you". The razor sharp tone returned to his voice making Andy shudder. Sam was feeling guilty because he was glad it wasn't her, when it was Gail that was taken. Someone from their close circle.
"Sam..." She didn't even know how to answer that. She didn't blame him for feeling it. She too felt the same way, felt the relief that she was spared.
"But even after what I said to you, you walked away. I never stood a chance did I?". His tone reverted back to the sad one when he spoke again.
"Sam I was holding a bomb. I thought I was going to die. And the only thing I wanted was you. I wanted you there telling me that it would be okay, that we would be okay". Andy paused and took a deep breath.
"Then you were there and I was more scared that I was before, because you were stupid enough to be in there with me. I wasn't ready to watch you die".
Her voice had a sad quiver in it, the same one that he had put into it a few times.
"Ever wonder why I came in there?".
His question made Andy worry, it was a topic that they had never covered, it was an unanswered question that she had though.
"Because if you were going to die, I was going to be right there with you".
Andy took a small step backwards, like Sam's words had hit her hard.
"Yup. It was that or you were leaving and I was staying if ETF didn't make it on time".
Andy was speechless.
She never even entertained those ideas as his reason for coming in there that day.
And he had just honestly shared them with her now.
"When I said that I wished you were in my head, I wanted you to know how I felt. How scared I was that you weren't going to make it out of there. That I was terrified of losing you". Sam's jaw was clenching a little. Even after all this time he was having a hard time getting it out there.
"So I told you the only thing I really wanted you to know, because no matter how things turned out that day, I wanted you to know how I feel".
Andy still hadn't said anything, she was just looking at him and blinking rapidly, like she was on the verge of letting those tears fall free.
"I didn't know that you meant it when you said it because later you were trying to cover it up". Her voice was frail and weak, too much emotion making her vocal cords struggle to voice her words clearly.
"Because you seemed so scared after I said it. Like you didn't want to hear me say it, or didn't believe me when I did say it. You said 'Sam I'm holding a bomb' and I reached out and held on to your hands saying 'So am I' and you looked like you were ready to let go of that clip just to make it stop".
"I was scared when you said it Sam. It felt like you really thought we were going to die and you were saying goodbye".
"I wanted to say it back, but it wouldn't come out" Andy added a split second later.
Sam's stern face softened a little hearing that, like he was letting go of a little bit of the anger he felt.
"I wasn't ready to say goodbye Andy".
"But you still walked away, still left when all you had to do was tell me, ask me to wait".
"I had five minutes to decide, and it was before you came into the locker room. You have a lot of nerve Sam, you did the same thing to me when you left".
"But I told you that I was taking the UC".
"And that was all you told me Sam, you didn't ask me to wait, you didn't give me any kind of clue that you wanted me there waiting for you when you came home". Andy's anger was flaring slightly, she was still mad at him for that.
Sam closed his eyes again and groaned internally. She was right, but back then he didn't know that she would be waiting if he asked her too.
"I didn't know that you would wait. I didn't know that you felt anything, it would have been unfair of me to ask you that then".
Okay, so he had a point.
"Would you have waited then, if I'd asked you too?".
Andy rolled her eyes at that question, wasn't it obvious by now that she would have.
Sam waited for some kind of answer from her, and she noticed so she nodded before looking down.
"I would have waited if you had asked me too". Sam finally inched closer, Andy's eyes flying up to meet his. Crap, she had forgotten that he didn't wait, he had moved on. He had Marlo now. And she shouldn't be here.
"But you didn't". Andy hissed out, all traces of her softer side ebbing away as she became the hard Andy that came back from Dakota. The one he couldn't get a read on most of the time.
Andy was about to turn away, her need to leave rising again when Sam's hand latched on to hers without warning.
"I sort of did. It was a mistake".
Andy pulled her hand out of his and turned away, the front door getting closer as she crossed the room.
"What does sort of even mean? There isn't a sort of waited Sam. You didn't end of story". Her hand was on the door handle, but froze as she spoke over her shoulder.
"It was a mistake thinking that I could get over you by moving on. We never went that far because I couldn't let you go enough to move on". Sam's voice had risen a few octaves, indicating that he was mad, but Andy had no idea at what.
"That's not my fault". Andy stammered out, just to make sure that he understood that she had nothing to do with his reasons for being with Marlo.
"It was my own misguided conceptions that made me think that just maybe there was a way to get you out of my head, to stop missing you, and feeling like this because you weren't here and I didn't know if you were coming back". Sam was on the verge of yelling, making Andy understand that he was mad at himself.
Mostly anyway.
"You broke every single promise that you ever made me Sam. Sometimes I didn't even want to come home".
That stung. But she was right he had broken every promise he had made her. Especially the one where he said he wasn't going to give up without a fight.
"So you can't be a cop and be with me? Remember that? Was it just with me? Or me in general?". Andy yelled back.
"Just you". Sam said it so softly that Andy turned her ear towards him to make sure that she was hearing him correctly.
"I realized that I can't be a cop and protect you when you're a cop too, without crossing those invisible lines".
Andy didn't look like she totally believed that answer. He was basically saying that The Priority Of Live Code was invalid if she was ever in a situation when he had to make that decision.
"When you left, it took me three weeks of waiting and going crazy before I found out where you went. I nearly killed Callaghan at the Penny.
I filled out a resignation form, gave it to Frank and left the next morning.
I went to Sarah's for a week then I came home when things didn't look so bad and Frank told me that he hadn't filed my resignation. I could come back if I took the detectives test, so I did".
He wasn't proud of what he had said, or what he had done, but he was ready to give up his badge for her. He still would.
"What? You were going to give up your badge? Sam that's insane, why would you do that? You love your job".
Andy was still standing at the front door, but hadn't made another attempt to open it yet.
"Andy, I love you more. If giving up the badge meant that I got to keep you, I'd trade it in a heartbeat. I had kind of hoped that when you came back and I was working the Detectives rotation, it would be easier".
Andy's mouth fluttered open, her eyes widening again at his words.
So he decided to pick a starting point and go from there, things weren't coming out in any kind of order and she was lost.
"Marlo was here earlier".
That was a bad choice to start with. Andy's hand reached out for the handle and she tugged the door open, rather forcibly.
"We're not... She let me go to fix it with you". Sam called out loudly as Andy stepped through the doorway and stopped.
When she turned around, Sam was expecting a smile or a slight hint of happiness but instead Andy looked mortified.
"I'm sorry, if I'd know she was coming over, I wouldn't have come".
She turned away every intention of leaving when Sam's voice echoed out the door and into the night air just as her feet met the top stair.
"I still love you Andy McNally".
She spun around to find Sam leaning against the front door, his arm's crossed over his chest. He was wearing his dimples, a fully fledged smile gracing his lips.
Andy didn't expect that, he virtually yelled it out loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear, and he didn't seem to care who had heard him.
She was left rendered incomplete on the top stair, unable to wrap her mind around what he had just done, and said. She was shifting around from one foot to the other, indecisive. She didn't know how to handle this right now.
"I just need to know, how Andy McNally feels about me". Sam was much closer this time, she had been so lost in thought that she hadn't noticed him moving closer.
"I...".
Sam cocked an eyebrow up at her inability to talk. It wasn't something that happened often.
Sam was split down the middle- he should let her go, but he couldn't.
He never intended for everything to come out like it had, today but it had and it was something he wasn't wishing to take back.
Not like the other things, the ones he regretted daily.
He was waiting for Andy to answer, but she was stuck, unable to answer him. Even if she wanted too.
So he put his hands to her face and pulled her closer, letting her see that he had every intention of kissing her. He was giving her time to back away, a chance to push him away. But she didn't. She didn't even look like she wanted too.
Sam felt her lean in a little closer just as he brushed his lips over hers. She was surrendering to the moment, but he didn't want her too lose herself in it.
He did what he always did, just with her, and nudged her nose with his before letting his forehead rest against hers.
She had her eyes closed, so he was locked out completely, he had no idea what was going on in her mind.
Her arm's were still at her sides, she hadn't moved them any closer to him. She almost looked like she had shut herself down.
"Andy?". His breath fluttered out over her face, the action making her eyes open.
He pulled away, putting some space between them so that he could look into her eyes.
Her eyes were watery and shifting between his as soon as they were open enough to see.
But he saw doubt and hesitation in her dark orbs where he wanted to see spark and love. Like before.
But the fear had gone, disappeared from her eyes.
"I can't do this again...".
"Us?".
"Get my heart broken".
"Andy, saying that means that you're scared, and that you feel something enough to fear getting your heart broken?".
Andy nodded, but didn't look away. However her eye betrayed her and dropped a tear, letting it slide down her cheek as she became unhinged.
"That's all I need now. Something and a chance". Sam wiped her tear away, his fingertip spraying across her cheek.
"I love you enough for both of us, for now that's enough".
Andy stayed quiet, even though more tears threatened to slip free. It was as though she was waiting for something.
"I'm not covering it up with anything, so stop waiting for it".
Sam realized what she was doing, she was waiting for him to make the same mistake he had before, but he wasn't ever doing that again.
He always thought that Andy knew how he felt, that he showed her enough everyday. But he hadn't, didn't. And he would have to make up for that now.
By saying it more and more until she believed him.
When she had told him that she loved him for the very first time it had rendered him completely stupid, and then she had said that he didn't have to say it back.
He had honestly thought that he was the only one that felt that intensely, but he had been wrong. She felt it too. But she had said it and the only time he had said it; it was primarily out of fear that she would never know, never hear him say it.
Now it was the only thing he wanted to say to her.
He knew that he loved her long before then, he loved everything about her when she was still in the out of bounds zone. Yup, he'd fallen for her when she was a rookie, and dating Callaghan.
Not the best timing.
She was still watching him, but her eyes had stooped leaking, she still looked sad though.
"I loved you when I shouldn't have, and when your engagement was announced at Parade I swear I felt like my heart was being ripped out".
Andy audibly sucked in a breath when he said that, she didn't have a clue how long he had actually loved her for.
It was like there was sudden understanding in Andy's eyes. Like she fully understood how he felt.
"Andy, I waited what felt like forever to get you, if it takes me another forever to get you to trust me again I'll wait. If it takes another always of saying sorry and making up for it, I'll do it everyday until you believe me. But you've got to promise me that you won't run. That you won't give up. That you'll fight with me to get us back?".
Andy was chewing on her bottom lip, listening to what Sam was saying. She had no idea that he felt something that far back.
She had made plenty of mistakes too, but he had forgiven her, even though she didn't deserve to be forgiven.
He wasn't asking for much, just a chance. A chance to make her believe.
But she didn't need to believe, because she already knew.
Knew how she felt, knew what she wanted. And she knew how to get there.
"Promise me Sam, promise me that you won't break my heart again. Promise me that you won't walk away".
Her words gained a smile on return. If she was asking for promises, then she trusted him enough to let him in. She felt enough to trust him with her heart. She loved him enough to do it too.
And she believed him enough to know that he loves her.
But she was making promises too, promising to stay and promising to let him try.
Sam could have said 'I promise' or he could have nodded or he could have answered her in a hundred different ways, but he chose to meet her requests by sharing her promises, and sharing his with her.
His lips would curve up when they felt her smile against them, and his hands would caress her cheeks with his thumbs where they still rested because her arm's had finally decided to wrap around him.
But most of all his ears would burn, and his heart would explode, his lungs would set on fire and his insides would turn to jelly when she whispered four little words to him in between soft kisses.
"Still love you too".
She was back, and safe, and she was letting him keep her this time. Because this time, he wasn't going to let her go, ever.
This time it was for keeps, forever.
****Thanks for reading, hope you'll review?
Have an awesome day!
Jelly Bean Jenna©