AN/ Alright, so this is my second attempt at a fic, my first one failed miserably and I am more than likely going to take it down. I tried to do angst but couldn't so I'm trying my hand at comedy, hopefully it goes a little better. I think that's all I have to say for now, I hope you enjoy!
Stephanie Meyer owns, I just play with.
Chapter 1: An old mans wang
I stare at the house across the street
"he better not be naked this time" Alice said, I groan in response "I REALLY don't need to see that again, old man wang is nasty" she says as she shutters for effect
"At least most of it was covered by his beer gut" I pointed out
'Thank god for small miracles" she says
We sit and ponder that for a minute and then burst out laughing
'get it, small miracles?" she says through giggles
I roll my eyes "I am so leaving you at the shop next time"
"Oh come on Bella, you know you love me. Besides, who else are you going to get to help you pick up this skip? You know Emmett won't go near him"
Sigh, I know she's got me there. Emmett wouldn't go near this guy with a 10 foot poll. Emmett's a fellow bond enforcement officer, the difference between me and him is that he's good at the job where as I sort of luck my way through it. We both work for Hale Bonds, a small bonds company run by my half bother Jasper. Basically Jasper puts up the money for people who can't afford their bonds, then if they skip their court date the only way for Jasper to get his money back is to bring them in again, that's where I come in. I ended up there when I got (unfairly) fired from my last job. Hey, it wasn't my fault; they never told me they had security cameras in the storage room, if I had of known that I would have taken that guy somewhere else for my break….the nerve of some people. Lucky for me Jasper felt sorry for me (ie I begged and pleaded with him) and he gave me a job till I could find a new one. I've just been too preoccupied (read: lazy) to go looking. This pays well and except for being shot at every few days it's not so bad…that is until you come face to face with old man wang.
"Alright, I'm going in" I said as I pull myself out of the car. Alice is beside me in a second, man that girl is fast for someone so small. She doesn't technically work for Jasper, but she is fucking him, so he lets her come along with me when I need another person, which is most of the time.
We walk across the street to a rundown duplex. The man we need to bring in today is named Mark Brown; he's 68 years old, mostly deaf, and wanted for skipping bail on a public nudity charge. I guess he flashed some poor old ladies in the grocery store. I hear a woman asked him to pass her a pack of hot dogs and he turned around with his wang in his hand. True story. The sad part is that this isn't his first offence; we've had to pick him up before. Same story, different grocery store.
'Please God let him be clothed this time' I silently prayed before I brought my hand up to knock on the door. I could hear someone shuffling around behind it and then it slowly creaked open and catching on the chain.
'What do you want?' came a gruff voice from somewhere behind the door
I turned to Alice expectedly, this was the part she liked the best. She put on her best smile and went right up to the door.
"Hi sir, I'm selling cookies for my scouting group, would you like to buy some?" I held back a snicker as she started twirling her short spiky black hair around her finger and twisting her leg back and forth. For a 25 year old woman she could sure act like an innocent little girl, and trust me when I say she's far from innocent. Her's and Jaspers apartment is right next to mine and the walls are paper thin, I hear things, too many things.
The door quickly shut and I could hear the chain being let go. I shot a quick thank you glance to Alice and stepped in front of the door just as he was opening it. He took one look at me and went to slam the door, lucky for me I was quicker and got my foot wedged in the way.
"Hello Mr. Brown, it's so nice to see you again" I gave him my best smile as I pushed the door open again. "How have you been?"
"Jesus on a ritz cracker, you again" he said as he started backing up. I chanced looking down and breathed a sigh of relief when I noticed he had pants on.
"You know you wouldn't need to see me if you would just go to your hearing. You and I both know you'd just get a slap on the wrist and be sent back home." I said as I started reaching for my cuffs
"Matlock was on" He stated simply, as if that makes it all right.
"Well then that explains it" Alice said as she looked at me " he couldn't miss Matlock now could he?" She looked at me expectantly. I often wonder why I bring her with me.
I looked back to Mr. Brown.
"If I take you in right now we'll be able to get you bonded back out right away." I prayed this would work "I'll call Rose on the way and get her to meet us there, you'll only need to be in a holding cell for an hour, tops" I crossed my fingers behind my back
He pondered this for a minute
"I'll go with you; I just need to use the bathroom first. The old bladder ain't what it use't to be and it's a bit gun shy so if I'm going to be in a cell for a while I want to go now"
How was I supposed to say no to that? Plus I didn't want him pissing in my car
"Fine, just be quick" I waved him off up the stairs
"Thank god he had pants on this time" Alice stated when he was up the stairs and we heard the door shut.
"ya, thank god for small miracles" I grinned as both had another laugh. Nobody said we were mature.
I was beginning to wonder what was taking Mr. Brown so long when I heard a thump on the roof.
"What the hell was that?" Alice said
"Must have been a cat" I mumbled as I started up the stairs "but I'll go check on Mr. Brown"
That's when we heard the car start
"he didn't….." Alice looked at me with wide eyes
"Shit I think he did" I yelled as I ran for the door
We made it out just in time to see Mr. Brown drive by in his car, waving out the window at us and laughing. The bugger climbed out of the second story window onto the roof of the porch and then climbed down.
"ssssssshhhhhhhiiiittttt" Alice said as we watched the car turn the corner "I'm sorry but I have to give him some props for that one"
I sighed and pushed some stray hair out of my eyes. "ya, so I do" I relented "but now what?"
"I say he won't be back for a while, we might as well go back to the shop and see what Rose is doing" she said as she started for the car. I had a pile of other skips to get to but it was lunch time and I was hungry. Plus Emmet was usually there at lunch with a box of donuts, everything always looked better with some donuts.
We found a spot out front of the tiny shop and sure enough Emmet was there stuffing his face with donuts. I nicked one on my way though before he could figure out what I was doing. He was too busy checking out Rose anyway. Rose is the sectary of sorts for Hale bonds and she just happens to be Jaspers twin sister. With her strikingly perfect looks and long blond hair it's no wonder Emmett becomes a drooling mess around her, most men do.
"Hey rose, Emmett, what's new?" I said as I plopped down on the sofa near the back wall. Like I said it's just a tiny shop, a desk for Rose, some filing cabinets and a sofa out front. A small bathroom and Jaspers office are in the back. Alice plops down next to me and grabs the other half of my donut. Before I can smack her Rose clears her throat
"Well I got a present for you" she smirks at me
Please god let it be candy, or chocolate, I could really use some chocolate.
"Your first high bond case' she says as she throws the file at me
Being the clutz that I am I miss it and it smacks Alice in the face. Ha Ha, take that bitch for stealing my donut.
"No chocolate?" I ask, still holding on to that last bit of hope"
She looks at me like I have two heads "what the hell are you talking about Swan?"
'Never mind, wishful thinking" I sigh again and pick up the folder from its resting place on the floor. "Why am I getting this?" I ask her as I flip open to the first page "Emmett usually gets all the high bond skips"
"Emmett is up to his eyeballs in skips right now so you get this one" She says with a yawn and starts typing away.
"Wow, drug trafficking and attempted murder of a police officer" Alice reads over my shoulder letting out a low whistle
"You got your gun, right?" Rose looks up from the computer
"ah, ya, sure, I have my gun" I said not meeting her eye
"and it's loaded, right?" she says with raised eyebrows
Now see the thing is I don't really like guns so I tend to leave my bullets at home, under my bed. I carry my gun with me but it's never loaded. Guns scare me.
"Sure it is, why would I keep a gun that's not loaded?" I replied not meeting her eye again
She sighs and mumbles something about incompetent people as she goes back to her typing
I flip over to his picture and stop cold, there starting back at me is the most gorgeous man I have ever seen. Fly away hair, strong jaw, and the most brilliant green eyes staring right at me from the picture. Edward Cullen the name plaque says. Armed and considered dangerous is written underneath the picture.
Great, just great.
"damn, he's fine' Alice says as she grabs the picture from me
Ya, I never noticed.
What's really scary is I'm not thinking about the armed and dangerous part; all that keeps running through my mind is him in handcuffs with me licking that jaw of his…..
Get a grip Bella
Damn, I need another donut
And maybe a change of underwear