Protip: You can totally skip this author's note, and I'll never know.
The note of the author which is I, The Pirate on Wheels. Legendary marksman, epic English author, and good will-er towards all life on earth, has come to deliver onto you the goods for which I am presently here to deliver to you within this moment of time. Hark! And lo, as you revel in the presence of a fan fiction legend the likes of which you've probably never heard of. I mean really, I haven't written anything in forever, so you've probably never heard of me. Bad for you, good for me ect ect. The long and short of it is, I've finally been given a challenge, and this one's a doozy on the upswing. It's a dedicated multi chap with lots of action, fighting, character growth, plot development, and pretty much every genre you can think of that isn't a sci-fi western. (That honor is reserved for the Cowboy Bebop fandom) So without further ado, or if you skipped ahead, no ado about nothing, THE ADVENTURES, OF BAYOU BILLY! Okay no, it's a Naruto fic. Enjoy.
Oh, hey, yeah, I forget to mention this earlier, I don't own Naruto. I wonder how something like that could have slipped my mind…
The O Team
Chapter One-
The Concept of Zero
The classrooms of Konoha Academy were designed with two simple goals in mind, to reduce walking space, and to maximize seating space. So it stood to reason that the only place a crowd could gather within such a packed seating arrangement would be along the stairways and landing platforms that divided the semicircular desks into more manageable, bite sized community tables. And so it was there in just such a walkway they stood, a crowd of about twelve angry girls, staring the fires of hell upon an orange boy that floundered upon the desk of a choking boy with whom he had just shared his first kiss.
The third Hokage sighed as he and a group of Jonin watched the events unfold through a crystal ball on the old leader's desk. "As usual, Naruto is right in the middle of some sort of commotion." He turned to a young, but grey haired ninja that stood at the front of the group. "Kakashi, could I count on you to take care of Naruto?" Kakashi stared at the crystal ball as he watched the boy get assaulted by the group of women, who had now surrounded the desk they were attempting to pull Naruto down from.
"Naruto Uzumaki, huh?" He said half-heartedly.
"Ha! You're going to give a guy like that a brat like that on his team?"
The entire room turned to see a woman in a brown trench coat and mesh shirt lounging on a couch alongside the wall.
"Ah, Anko, do you see a problem with Kakashi being Naruto's instructor?" the Third asked, as he removed a pipe from his mouth.
"Instruct? He's too laid back for a group of troublemakers…" She leaned back and laughed a bit, "…he'd probably just give them their mission while he goes off to read his book somewhere."
If Kakashi was hurt by these comments, you would never have known. He only stared at his accuser with the same eternally bored eye he had shown through the entire meeting.
"I see…" his voice trailed as he set down his pipe before beginning with a new curiosity, "and how would you deal with troublesome students?"
The woman suddenly sat up in her seat. "Me? Well I'd show those maggots what it means to be a real ninja of the Leaf! " She rose from the couch and took a stand in front of the room. "You can't be so soft on 'em. The loud ones and the class clowns are always the first to die whenever they get a real mission. Those academy teachers coddle them so much they don't even realize what it means to be ninja. They have to have a Jonin who'll show them first-hand how terrifying the shinobi world really is, not someone who says, 'is that so' and 'I see then' all the time." She said, using her hands to cover her left eye and mouth. "You'd be better off with just the geniuses and clan types that can take care of themselves."
A few of the other Jonin started chuckling at her imitations of their fellow Jonin, and Kakashi began to think about just how much easier his life would be if he were permitted to follow her words about picking students.
"My my," Kakashi cut in, "those are very big things you're saying. I wonder if you really could do all that."
"Damn right I could!" She shouted, turning her attention to the scarecrow of a ninja. "You could give me the loudest, stupidest, and weirdest group you've got and I could turn them all into first class ninja no problem." she beamed.
"Well then Anko…" the Hokage picked up the pipe that he had denied himself during Anko's rant, and took several long puffs. There was an anxious silence as the room watched the old man's smile grow after he exhaled his last breath of smoke. "Since you have shown such…insights, and vigor, on instructing a genin squad, I believe that it would be good for the village if you became the leader of one of the new teams this year.
Anko's mind stopped when it tried to process what she had just heard, before her survival instincts kicked in. "Ah, Hokage-sama, you know I'm just a special Jonin, we're not allowed to take on a squad, and now that I think about it, the students might die before I could make them into proper ninjas." Letting out a nervous laugh, she rubbed the back of her head she quickly added, "I mean, can you imagine me taking Kakashi's squad? I mean I'm good, but I don't have the bloodline to teach an Uchiha all about his doujutsu." There wasn't a trace of her boister from a moment ago, while she cheerfully smiled, and backed away, waving her arms in front of her like she was warding off a t.v. Frankenstien.
"Given your outstanding record and earlier comments, I'm sure that wouldn't be a problem for you. Besides that, you wouldn't have to worry about Sasuke."
"And uh, why is that?" she tentatively inquired.
"Sasuke is the most promising student, and only Kakashi is qualified to teach him of his abilities. I believed you had mentioned something about taking the, oh, what was it…"
A large man with a goatee chipped in with a bellow, "The loudest, stupidest, and weirdest ninjas, I think she said it was."
"Thank you Asuma. Yes, if you could turn a team like that into great ninja, then we may have to rethink our methods at the academy."
"Yeah, but are you going to promote me right on the spot then?" She shot. "I'm still just a special Jonin."
The elder waived his hand. "I'm sure you could pass the Jonin exam if you applied, and as the Hokage, I have full confidence in your ability to teach and protect a Genin squad. But I suppose I would need some sort of recommendation from an esteemed Jonin to put the council's mind at rest…"
And there was her escape. Even if all the other barriers could be hand waved by the Hokage, there was no way that any sane ninja would recommend her to lead a genin squad. Most of the Jonin also had their children in the academy, and those that had been assigned on missions with her would rather challenge the five kages than allow their precious ones to be exposed to Anko on a daily basis.
"Hmm, well, if it's a recommendation you need, I would be honored if I could offer my humble backing Lord Hokage." Kakashi closed his eye and smiled. "She sounds like a much better instructor than I am, so I'm sure that if I can take this sort of job, she should have no problems.
Anko muttered under her breath. Kakashi Hatake was one of the most powerful and well respected ninjas in the entire ninja world. If he had nominated a stray cat for this position, you could bet that some poor squad would be led by a four legged sensei.
"Very well then. If there are no other objections, we can begin selecting the teams…"
The classrooms of Konoha Academy always had at least three windows along the outside wall, with the idea of keeping up and coming ninjas in tune with the nature from which Leaf Village took its name. As a student, Iruka had often stared out of them, watching the sun rise to that point in the sky that would indicate the start of lunch, or fall to just below the tips of the trees that would signify the end of classes. Just how many pranks had he dreamt up whilst staring at those trees? He wondered. Iruka sighed, and turned to the small stack of papers on his desk; the list of teams he had just assigned. Will Naruto ever learn to take ninja life seriously? He himself hadn't begun to realize the gravity of this lifestyle until he had been assigned to his Jonin instructor. "Yeah, a good instructor." He thought. "I hope he gets someone he can be proud of as a sensei."
His words to no one were interrupted by the sound of crashing glass behind him. His reflexes taking over, the chunin leapt head first across the desk, sailing low across the table's surface. He reached into his tool pouch to pull a kunai while twisting into a midair summersault, before landing into a flawless crouch behind the table…just in time to see a woman performing a flying kick through the freshly shattered glass. The shards caught the light that beamed in to the semi-dark, making it look all the more like a serpent was darting though a cloud of glitter. Just as her foot was about to touch down, the ground exploded in a burst of smoke. Moments hung on edge as the outline of a large coat materialized.
"Who the he-"
Suddenly the figure spun about face, coat flaring dramatically, dissipating the smoke about her figure, and shaking free the shattered glass that had clung to it.
His applause came too soon. Suddenly the coat whirled dynamically as the figured spun a drastic about face, which cut a visible spiral through the smoky haze. Giving a final dramatic clap, the long flaps expunged the numerous shards of glass that it had stolen from the window.
For a moment, Iruka was in awe as the window, smoke, and glass, together formed a glittering stage and spotlight for the diva that emerged at the center of the spectacle.
"Mitsurashi Anko, reporting for team pick up duty!"
"…"
Iruka rose with determination from behind his desk, and addressed the intruder with shaking voice that strained to be monotone. "Anko…" he steadied his shaking fists. "Just what do you think you're doing!" he yelled. The woman tilted her head towards the desk.
"Oh hey Iruka. What are you doing behind that desk?"
"What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing! What are you doing busting through my windows like some sort of Phantom of the Opera?"
Without missing a beat she gave her answer.
"Reporting for team pick up duty."
Iruka almost fell on his kunai.
"The "teams", he said "left for lunch over fifteen minutes ago!"
Anko dropped her victory pose at this news, and looked at the brooding Chunin with a sheepish grin. "Ah hah, I guess I was a little late then. Ha ha. I'll have to think up something else before they get back."
"Something else? Something else! Is my classroom not broken enough for you already?" His voice boomed with sarcasm and middle class anger.
"Well yeah, something else." She put her hands behind her head and gave Iruka a look like he wasn't there. "It's my first impression on my squad, and they need to how cool I am."
"And what does that have to do with my window, Anko?" He started pointing to her entryway for effect, but stopped. "Did you say squad?"
"Ah, well. I wanted to get a banner with my name on it and stuff, but there wasn't enough time to have one made. I guess I could have used the one I have for the chunin exams, but it has 'PROCTOR' scrolled all over it…"
He rubbed his scar in a failing attempt to massage away his frustrations. "You're a special Jonin, Anko, you're not allowed to have a squad." He opened his eyes, and was shocked to find the elaborate set missing its star. Scanning the room, he found Anko tossing things out of the freshly opened supply closet.
"Yeah, I already tried that one. If you think of a better one, go ahead and tell the old man for me." She poked her head out from the closet for a second. "Oh, but you'll have to get around that Kakashi bastard, and maybe Asuma too. They made me do this."
In a moment, they exchanged a look of innocence that shattered Iruka's anger, and quite possibly, his weathered psyche. But it mostly broke him into laughter.
"HAHAHA! Oh, Anko," he said, wiping a tear from his eye "I've heard some really big cover stories in my days as a teacher, but to hear a full grown konoichi come into my classroom and tell me that the Hokage himself, and his son, with the backing of Konoha's number one Jonin, made her trash my classroom so that she could teach students." The laughter stopped him, forcing a concerned and insulted to Anko to watch her stitching companion double over in greater laughter. "You, Anko. You! Who would honestly trust their children with you? I can't even begin to imagine you with children."
"Well maybe someday…" she said with a touch of melancholy.
The new round of laughs actually seemed to out strip the previous ones; an impressive feat, even for a ninja. With a sudden seriousness, he looked up at the woman, who seemed to be a ways off from where he remembered her, and much closer to the door. "But you having children before getting a husband isn't so surprising." Then he grinned. It had been so long since he'd fallen back into his childish ways, but Anko just seemed to bring out the worst in people. "Though I never thought Kakashi would dump his kids on you. Will you share custody? Or maybe you two will get marrie-"
"Finish that sentence and you're dead." She said, pointing his own kunai to Iruka's throat. It was times like these that reminded the man how easy it was to lose one's life in this dangerous world, and why he gave up teasing his own generation once they were promoted past chunin.
"Alright." He said, inching the blade away from his vitals. "I'm done."
She smiled. "Good." Then, as she began walking away, he added,
"But I still can't believe you. I have the list of teams right here on my desk, and none of them were assigned to you." Making his way over to the desk, he picked up the stack of papers, and shook the glass from them before clearing his throat. "Right here." He pointed to the list. "Team Seven. Naruto Uzumaki, Sakura Haruno, and Sasuke Uchiha. Lead by a Mr. Hatake Kakashi." He glanced up. "That isn't you. None of them, are you."
"Well you clearly don't have the new list."
"Anko, I spent a lot of time compiling this list, with the input of various other instructors, score data, performance considerations, skill sets, and the years with which I've come to know these students. I hardly think that Lord Hokage and his esteemed group of elite Jonin would cobble together a new list in under an hour, the afternoon before the students are to be assigned."
"Excuse me."
Turning around, they found a woman walking carefully across the broken glass. "I have the new team assignments for your class." She said, handing the chunin a small stack of papers, virtually identical to the ones he had in his hand. He quickly scanned them, noting a few changes to some of his previous grouping, before he found typed neatly at the bottom of the list:
Additional Team*…
"By proposition of the esteemed Sandaime Hokage, and with the recommendation of (Jonin) Hatake Kakashi, (Special Jonin) Miterashi Anko has been permitted to lead this team. What the hell is this Anko?"
"It's a big fat can of I told you so Iiiiiruuuukaaaaa seeenseeei." She said, in her best impression of a schoolchild, followed by her best impression of a schoolgirl's laughing fit as she held her sides for dear life.
In actuality, it wasn't an impression; at least in so far as the laughter. Iruka's memories came rushing back into his mind, carried in on that wave of unforgivable giggling. Though as a child, she was serious enough, the disappearance of her exceptional sensei had caused her to take up the mantle of prankster, a short time after Iruka had given his up. This interval had come to have been known as "The Golden Time", amongst his generation, as an era when the only traps were set by enemies, and the only betrayals came from treasonous turncoats that you were allowed to kill.
It was ended when Anko became the new prankster of their generation. From genjutsu disguising the woman's bathroom and a the mens, to snakes in the chips, and even exploding tags in your mailbox that burst into confetti, all executed at the level of near Jonin like skill, virtually no one was safe. No one… Her infamy had begun to outstrip his own during his prime, and despite the complaints, the Hokage did nothing but wave them off as harmless pranks. Now it looked like she was about to walk away Scott-free after she had destroyed his classroom, his team list, and seemingly the very rationality on which Konoha based their decisions. But then he noticed something.
"Additional: Team 14?" He asked his sheet.
Her laughter stopped. "Wait, what?"
"Additional: Team 14. That's what they called your squad."
She swiped the paper from his hand. "Let me see that." She muttered this and that as she glanced from top to bottom, and back again. "What gives Iruka?" she said accusingly.
"Like I would know! I just found out about this a few minutes ago. Maybe they just didn't have time to name your team. But I guess it makes sense," he started his new line of thought in the same way he started in on a new lecture. "The council wouldn't really bother to scan the list of teams in circulation, so they probably just said that."
"I'll just change it." She chirped.
Iruka rubbed his scar, once more failing to assuage his frustrations. "Anko you can't just change your team's name."
"I have a pen."
"No, listen-" he said, grabbing the paper from her hand. "They have to follow certain rules."
"Give me the paper dolphin boy, the new Team Anko needs to be put on there." She grabbed for the paper, but he held it over his head.
"Genin teams can't be names. They have to be numbers, like all of the other genin squads."
"Fine, then I'll be team 1, because I'm number one." she said, as she began snaking her way up the poor man to reach the paper.
He pulled it down towards him, crumpling the paper. "Team 1 is still in circulation." He struggled to hold the paper from her prying hands.
"Then I'll be team A #1." She huffed.
"You can't have letters!" he cried, curling into a ball.
Finally she gave up, and unwound herself from him. "Well fine!" taking a break to kick him in his balled up form, she continued, over his grunt of pain. "I'll call it the Zero Team."
"Iruka stood up, massaging his wounded knee. "Anko, calling it Team 0 makes it sound like you're training an exceptional bunch of…"
His mind began to turn. Backwards, back to when he passed back that rare 0%, often times to Naruto, or Shikamaru. Then further back, to when he was a young, and troublesome boy. The boy he put away, all those years ago, when he decided to become a true shinobi, and not a pranksters. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad…just one last time, to show her why you shouldn't play around with Iruka Umino. She really did bring out the worst in people…
"of members in an elite squad. I guess it would permitted, as it is a number, but no one's ever done it before." He held back a coy smile, but she couldn't hold back hers.
"Hah, yeah! That's what I'm talking about." Grabbing the crumpled paper, she crossed out the "Additional Team" And hastily scribbled in her replacement, and her signature next to it. "Think that's good?" She asked.
"I guess I should initial it too. I suppose I wouldn't want my old students feeling like an afterthought if it didn't pass." He proceeded to sign his name next to it, and added a quick "Approved by" right above it.
"Uhm, are you two done?" The lady from before stood there, wearing a tinge of red on her face. From embarrassment or confusion, one couldn't tell.
"Ah, yeah." Anko shot out the document in front of her. "Make sure the old man gets a copy of this in time to make it all official. Can ya do that?"
She paused, "Are you sure you want me to…" her glance moved past the beaming snake lady to Iruka, who simply gave her a smile.
"Yes Ma'am. I'll see to it right away!"
Anko really did bring out the worst in people.
Omake!
The Hokage's office was a well-guarded, but public place. Often, ANBU, and others tasked with special assignments needed to be given orders, and give back mission reports in a place more private than the hall downstairs, where D rank missions were passed out freely to the rank and file. But few were permitted to freely loiter after hours and watch the ruler of the greatest shinobi village tackle the most arduous, vital, and never ending mission of them all. Paperwork. Of course if you happened to be his eldest son, and you also happened to be a high ranking Jonin, special exceptions could be made, at least for some period of time.
Setting down his pipe, the Hokage looked up from the proverbial mountain of paperwork, and addressed the man who stood quietly puffing away on a cigarette before him.
"You know when you were younger, you never would have waited for me to take a break when you had something to talk to me about."
The man didn't spare a chuckle. "You really spoil her dad."
"I don't know who you are talking about." He said solemnly, and restarted his paper shuffle.
The young man removed his cigarette, and held it in his off-hand. "Her dad. Anko. You give her too much leeway."
"And did I give you too much leeway when you were younger?" he said, raising a solitary grey eyebrow.
"No. You didn't." he said matter of factly. "And she's not your child."
The Third turned his head towards the monument that held the faces of the previous leaders, and gave a wisp. "Asuma, all of the people in this village are my children, blood related or not. That is the will of fire that I have inherited from the First and Second Hokage that came before me, and why I am willing to lay down my life to protect the citizens of Konoha if need be."
"You let her take a nap in your office during a Jonin meeting."
"Yes, well, she was quite tired after her mission, and I didn't think she'd get in the way."
Asuma leaned onto the desk, and flicked the cigarette that was now burning his fingertips into his father's tray. "That's what I mean dad. You're always making exceptions for her, and on top of that she gets away with whatever she tries. I know she was the only disciple of your favorite student, but I just think that now that she has a team, you should set more of an example for them about how a ninja should act towards their superiors."
The old man let out a defeated sigh. "Yes, well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to be a little more strict with her on some of the rules and regulations."
"Thanks dad."
At that moment, there was a knock on the door to the Hokage's office, and a young woman entered holding a stack of crumpled papers. After bowing, and being bid permission to approach, she presented her offering to the great leader with a deep bow, and placed them squarely on his desk.
"I was asked to present these to you. They're confirmation of the new names and placements for the genin squads."
The Third eyed the dilapidated papers wearily. "Looks like they came from a hamster cage." Asuma noted.
"Is that all?" the Hokage asked the girl, who had not yet risen from her deep bow, before adding, "And are you the one who mangled these?"
"Yes" she said to the floor, before rising for a double take. "I mean no. Yes this is all, no I did not mistreat them. They were damaged during an altercation that took place after I handed them to the teacher. I was asked to return them to you shortly afterwards."
The father and son exchanged glances, before moving to look at the paper. It only took a moment to determine a definite point of interest, where they found a team name crossed out, and above it, a small caricature of a winking Anko-head, complete with dango, and a messily written note.
O Team /
Team 14 O
/ Miterashi Anko ;)
O Umino Iruka
/
"Is that a zero or an 'O'?" Asuma asked, as they intently tried to decipher the markings.
The 3rd put his forehead into his hand, and muttered something about the penmanship being worse than his grandsons.
"Maybe it's an 'o" like dang'o'." the bearded Jonin suggested.
"I suppose so…she did draw a dango stick there. Possibly." After his confused response, he leaned back in his chair, leaving Asuma to watch the paper alone.
After a moment, his son looked up, and reenacted the scene "You're not thinking of signing off on this, are you?"
"Well, it appears Iruka already has." He reasoned.
"If Iruka jumped off a bridge, would you okay that too?" his son shot back.
"Iruka is a ninja. He'd be fine." The old man countered.
With the movement of utter defeat, the lazy Jonin pulled another smoke from his pouch, and lit it with a fanciful flip top lighter he had retrieved along with his pack. The waves of smoke encircled him as he lowered his hand and turned towards the window, to look out at the monument his father had stared out at only a few minutes ago.
"Hey…aren't genin squads supposed to always be numbers anyway?"
Hiruzen leaned back into his chair, and smiled as he took a long puff on his antique pipe, and then, easing himself forward once more, let a long slow chuckle escape from his belly. "Ho ho ho…I'll allow it."
"…you spoil her too much dad."
Protip: If this is the first line you're reading since the last protip, you've skipped way too much.
Alright, there it is, chapter numero uno. De primero…chapter-a… Now before I'm obligated to tag this as a Spanish language fic, I'm just going to say that the time between writing this sentence, and the first, was too long for even a Longfellow to keep track of. It's probably the second longest thing I've ever written, in fact, and it's only chapter one. Now you probably don't care about that, but hey, this is kind of like my space here. If my space was like facebook and I actually had one of either. No. You care about who the O Team will consist of, don't you? Sure you do maybe who knows. There are contextual clues given early on in the story, which is commonly referred to as "foreshadowing," in the biz. Failing that, there's the summary posted outside the story that probably tells you. I'm not 100% certain though. I haven't written it yet, and maybe I'll lie. You know the drill about trusting internet strangers. You also know the rule about reviewing though. They help me to become an even more fantabulous writer, which means your mind can be blown like a rocket man chugging a can of nitrous oxide. Of course, such things are only for cool and attractive people, so I'd understand if I only get a few reviews…
Anywho, I had to get all of these formalities out of the way in order to write all the really cool action scenes I actually set out to do, which you'll see next chapter, if you're so inclined.
Next time!
Survival Excercise!
Weren't there bells to this?