17
DAISIES, ROSES AND HYACINTHS BY THE "BATCH"
OPENING SCENE
Camera scans the Chelsea Flower Show so that viewers can see the crowd of people meandering along the pathways and exhibits. Viewers also see close ups of some of the exhibits and flowers at the show. Local news stations stop and interview individuals for their impressions and enjoyment of the flowers and exhibits.
SCENE 1
Hyacinth and Richard Bucket are still at home getting ready to go out for the day at the Chelsea Flower Show. In their boudoir, Hyacinth, dressed in a chiffon, multicolored, flowered print dress with off white pumps and matching purse is putting on her finishing touches: lipstick, broach, earrings, wide brimmed straw hat with a multicolor band to match her dress, and white gloves. She looks at Richard and disapproves of his attire: relaxed fit trousers, open neck button down shirt and no tie, a sweater, white straw fedora hat, and comfy walking shoes.
Hyacinth: (looking at Richard with a frown on her face) Richard! Why aren't you dressed yet to go to the flower show?
Richard: I am, Hyacinth! This is what I'm wearing to be comfortable doing all that walking today!
Hyacinth: But you are not even wearing a tie, Richard. I will NOT have you attending The Chelsea Flower Show without wearing a tie. People in our social class are expected to wear a tie whenever they are out in public, Richard. Now go and put on a tie and take off that worn out sweater and wear that smart navy blue blazer with the embroidered emblem on the pocket.
Richard: But Hyacinth, this is not…..
Hyacinth: (interrupting Richard) Now Richard, don't argue….what would Sheridan say if he saw his daddy escorting his dear mummy without a tie in a worn out sweater to an important upper class social event? He'd be appalled, that's what! Now go and change, dear!
Richard: (sighing) Yes, Hyacinth.
Hyacinth: We could run into Her Majesty, Richard… and you without a tie, it would be indecent!
(Rolling his eyes, Richard realizes it's not worth the effort to argue with his wife because you just can't win. So he obeys and does as she asks.)
SCENE 2
BBC TV is at the flower show filming a documentary about it. Popular celebrity, Benedict Cumberbatch and his mother Wanda Ventham have been invited to host the opening of the event. A camera crew is following them around taking footage and getting their impression of the show as a whole and on specific exhibits and flowers.
BBC: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are pleased to introduce to you actor and film star, Benedict Cumberbatch and his mother actress, Wanda Ventham. WELCOME!
Ben and Wanda: Hello! Hello!
Wanda: We are so pleased to be here. It's absolutely beautiful! I love it!
BBC: to Wanda: Do you attend the Chelsea Flower Show often?
Wanda: No….this is only the third time I've been…but it's wonderful! Just Beautiful!
Ben: Mum's the gardener. She taught me a healthy respect and admiration for gardening from a very young age. Where I live there is a roof top garden. In my line of work that is very therapeutic and cathartic. There is such a peace and sense of escape when enjoying a beautiful garden. Mother has always had a garden… even out on her balcony there were always geraniums and the like growing in pots.
Wanda: Yes, but I am only an amateur gardener, and I have to give all the credit to my husband. He does all the donkey work and I just say what colors I want and where I want them to be planted.
BBC: Does Benedict get involved with your garden?
Ben: No, No! It's all my parents. I have nothing to do with it. The most I have done is mow the lawn a few times and whenever I am there I do the gardening grease.
Wanda: (reaching out and touching Ben's hand): Yes, Yes you do.
The camera cuts to them walking around the exhibits and stopping to admire the Lupines and Gladiola. They are particularly admiring the colors in the Gladiola. Beautiful salmon pink and hot pink and all colors that are just breathtaking.
SCENE 3
Hyacinth and Richard arrive at the flower show. Upon entering the venue, Hyacinth is hyper excited and can hardly contain herself and with an ear to ear smile on her face and a stiff upper lip she proclaims to Richard:
Hyacinth: Oh Richard! Isn't it just breathtaking and exquisitely beautiful! My roses would feel right at home here. Yes, everyone would be begging me for my secret to growing such beautiful roses. Dare I say that even Her Majesty would be speechless at the sight of my award winning roses (She is Smiling coyly and drifts off into deep thought of her roses being the talk of the Chelsea Flower Show. Coming to her senses and to reality, Hyacinth looks for Richard.)
Hyacinth: "Richard? Richard?"(Realizing others are looking at her she chuckles nervously and to save face says) "Now where is my husband?"
Trying to look concerned she moves along pretending to look at the displays while she is searching for Richard.
SCENE 4
Rose dramatically enters the living room where Onslow and Daisy are sitting in their chairs.
Rose: I've Won! I've Won!
Daisy: What did you win Rose?
Rose: Tickets to the Chelsea Flower Show! I was going to ask Mr. Watson to attend with me, but his wife has him occupied all weekend.
Onslow: Rose you have no morals that's your problem. You'll never meet a good man if you keep picking married ones.
Daisy: (looks admiringly at Onslow as he takes a swig of his beer) Wish I could tell you I was occupied with my husband all weekend.
Onslow: (looking at daisy): I'm already occupied, the playoff Is on telly all weekend.
Rose: (pleading with Onslow and Daisy) But I don't want to goooooo aloonne… Oh pleeeease come to the Chelsea Flower show with me!
Daisy(bouncing up an down in her seat and looking girlishly at onslo): Chelsea Flower show, oh Onslow that would be so romantic… holding hands walking through all the lovely flowers.
Onslow: And miss the playoffs? Call your sister Hyacinth, that's more her thing.
Rose: Hyacinth! I rather go with Mr. Watson's wife!
Daisy(Standing up and looking in charge): Onslow and I will take you Rose, come on Onslow let's get ready.
Onslow: Oh Nice! (Takes a swig of his beer and brushes crumbs off his belly) I am ready!
SCENE 5
Hyacinth continues to look for Richard, but he is nowhere in sight so not wanting to miss a trick, she proceeds to the first exhibit and begins to strike up a conversation with 2 people she can only see from the back at the start of the conversation. Not even looking at the people face to face, she starts bragging:
Hyacinth: "Yes, these award winning arrangements are just lovely, but not even they can compare to any delicate, beautiful English rose…and certainly NOT my English roses. I grow a variety of English roses in my garden that Her Majesty has growing in her Royal Garden at Buckingham Palace."
At this point Hyacinth looks at the faces of the people she is speaking to expecting them to be looking at her admirably and with a look on their faces that says, 'Oh please, tell us your secret.' But instead she sees a look of 'are you talking to us because we have no idea who you even are' look on their faces.
Benedict: "Do we know you?"
Hyacinth immediately recognizes Benedict and seizes this perceived opportunity to climb her imaginary social ladder.
Hyacinth: "Oh! Mr. Benedict Cumberbatch! And I do deducethis lovely woman is your mother!
Benedict: Yes, Wanda Ventham.
Hyacinth: Hyacinth Bu-quet! (she extends a gloved hand to greet Benedict, he gently shakes it in return.) How lovely of you to accompany your mother to the Chelsa Flower Show.
If my Sheridan was not away at university, I am sure he would love to tip-toe amongst the tulips with his mummy.
Benedict: (trying to be nice and witty) Nice to meet you Mrs. Bouquet, proper name you have for this venue!
Hyacinth: YES, it is a french name, but our family's blood is pure Britannia (said in her sing song voice).
Benedict and Wanda give amusing glances at each other and wonder to themselves who let this woman out of the loony bin.
Hyacinth: (sensing she is loosing their interest Hyacinth starts up about herself and Sheridan again) Our families have so much in common, in addition to being purveyors of sophisticated botanical displays, thespian Blood runs through our family's veins well! When the good vicar does not need me to lend my vocal talents to our parishes' seasonal choral performances, I am often asked to take on feminine lead roles for various historically themed stage productions.
Suddenly Hyacinth locks arms with Benedict Cumberbatch and nudges Wanda out of the way and continues to brag about her Sheridan and the university he attends.
Hyacinth:Oh, You Remind me so much of my son Sheridan… He stole the show as Tinker Bell in his school production of Peter Pan… For a boy he had such delicate features and the voice of a fairy… He really played that role well.
Benedict: (realizing that he has made an error in engaging this woman, he tries to politely disengage and continue the day with his mother) "That's lovely, Well it was nice to meet …"
But Benedict cannot get a word in edgewise and keeps looking back for his mother with a concerned look on his face as to her whereabouts, for she is nowhere to be seen. Pretending to listen to what Hyacinth is saying, Ben gives one of his fake smiles to her every now and then. But Benedict is clearly more concerned about what happened to his mother and the first opportunity he can get to escape the clutches of Hyacinth Bucket.
SCENE 6
Outside the flower show venue, Richard is sitting on a park bench admiring the landscaping around the venue, when Rose, Daisy and Onslow, pull into the parking lot and as usual their car backfires upon turning off the engine. They all get out and proceed to walk to the entrance and they notice Richard sitting on the park bench and stop to have a short chat.
Onslow: "Hallo, Dickey!"
Richard: Onslow!
Onslow: Managed to escape the clutches of the old battle ax, did ya'? HAHAHA
Richard: "Yes." (Sighs) "And the fact that these flowers are aggravating my allergies… AH CHOO!"
Onslow sits down next to Richard on the park bench and hands him a dirty hanky. He continues to chat with Richard, while Rose and Daisy go inside.
Wanda has also made her way outside to get away from the crowds of people inside, hoping if her son was looking for her he would think to look outside where she would be admiring the landscaping. Strolling along the pathways she meets Richard and Onslow.
Wanda:Hello, gentlemen, did you happen to see my son pass by here at all in the last 20 or 30 minutes? We got separated and I can't seem to find my way back to him. I am sure he is concerned if not worried about me.
Richard: Describe what he looks like, maybe we did.
Wanda: Well, he's 38 yrs old, 6 feet tall, thin, wearing a light colored relax fit blazer and trousers, a lavender button down shirt with no tie, white straw fedora hat and very comfy walking shoes.
Richard: In that attire, I hope he doesn't run into my wife! But, No, I am sorry but I haven't seen him.
Wanda looks curiously at Richard after that remark.
Onslow: I just got here and so I haven't seen anyone but Dickie, here. It seems like everyone passes here eventually, so sit ye down and take a load off! HAHAHAHA He will cross this path eventually. I guarantee it.
Wanda: Thank you, gentlemen, I'm Wanda and she extends her hand.
Richard: (Taking her hand and gently shaking it) It's nice to meet you Wanda, I'm Richard and this is my brother-in-law Onslow!
Onslow: (Tipping his baseball hat) "Charmed, I'm sure! So how did the both you get separated?"
Wanda: Some know-it-all woman just "wormed" her way in on my conversation with my son about her award winning roses. And then she took my son by the arm and dominated his entire will...he couldn't get a word in edgewise. By this time other folks began to recognize my son and flocks of people just seems to gather around them and they kept nudging me out of the way. Before I knew it, I could not get to him anymore. So I went to look at some of the other exhibits knowing that when they all had their fill, he would come looking for me and we would again, continue our day out together. But the more time that went by, the longer it was. I got concerned and went to look for him. I thought all I had to do was look for the crowd of people around him. But to my surprise, the crowd was gone, and so was he! Richard just sat there listening...unable to say one word. Just praying she wasn't talking about Hyacinth. But that would be too good to be true for another woman to be in the same place bragging about her award winning roses. It had to be Hyacinth. The 3 of them just sit and wait for Wanda's son to find her as they chat about gardening and family.
SCENE 7
Inside the venue:
Rose: "If Richard is sitting outside that must mean that our Hyacinth is inside here somewhere."
Daisy: "You're right, Rose. (Pauses and thinks a little bit.) Maybe we can avoid her. We know she doesn't want to be seen with us. So let's keep an eye out and I'll give you a signal if I see her and you do the same to me. "
Rose: Good idea, Daisy! You pretend to sneeze if you see her and I will do the same.
Daisy RIGHT!
And they continue to stroll along the exhibits at the flower show keeping an eye open for any glimpse of Hyacinth.
SCENE 8
As Daisy and Rose make their way around inside the flower show and the exhibits; Hyacinth continues to clutch Benedict's arm and bend his ear off bragging about herself and dropping names like petals falling off a flower. The crowds of people that swarmed around them left because Hyacinth dominated Benedict's every move and wouldn't allow even one other person to speak to him or get near him. Feeling sorry for Benedict, they just left him alone. It was enough he had to deal with Hyacinth he didn't need them interfering and ruining his day even more. However, at one point Hyacinth spies Daisy and Rose who are at another exhibit farther down the path. Horrified they might see her with Benedict and approach them, for she would rather die than for that to happen and have Benedict realize she is not from the upper class she pretends to be from, Hyacinth begins to tug on Benedict's arm and drag him to an exhibit with many trees and benches where he will not be as noticable as he would be if he were out just standing by an exhibit.
Hyacinth: (In a nervous manner): I would love for you to meet my husband, but I must go and fetch him. Now sit right here and don't move. I will be right back.
Benedict: (appearing upset and concerned) I-I-I-It would be an honor to m-m-meet your husband, Ma'am, b-b-b-but I need to find my mother.
Hyacinth: Oh yes, concerned about your mummy... you really should keep a better eye on her, dear, there could be strange people and paparazzi lurking about. You wait here where you will be safe from all that (pushing him onto the bench). I will find her for you and make sure she does not run into anyone unscrupulous. Then I will extend a formal invitation to you both to attend one of my candle light suppers following crudités and cocktails in my summer rose garden.
Trying not too look too worried, but cooperative and trusting instead, Benedict realizes this could be the perfect opportunity to escape from the clutches of this mad woman.
Benedict: Oh thank you so much! I will stay right here.
Hyacinth quickly scurries off to find Rose and Daisy to discourage them to stay any longer and that they should leave because they are not of the proper social class to attend such a sophisticated event.
But when she returns to the place she saw them, they are gone. Panicking she runs back to where she planted Benedict on the bench and he is not there anymore either. Now she is even more panicked and is running all over the place looking for the 3 of them hoping to find either her 2 sisters or just Benedict. Running around like a lunatic, people are giving her dirty looks for being so ill mannered.
In the meantime, Rose and Daisy catch a glimpse of their sister Hyacinth running like a lunatic and they find a secluded dark area where no one would go in order to hide from Hyacinth. Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, they hear a sneeze. Rose and Daisy gasp each thinking it was the other who sneezed because of Hyacinth being nearby. But it was Benedict who was unknowingly sharing the same hiding spot. He hears their gasps and jumps because he fears it just might be Hyacinth. He uses his cell phone for light to see who else is hiding there with him. Rose and Daisy recognize him immediately and Daisy smiles that cute sweet smile and is as giddy as a school girl. She clutches one arm and Rose tries to seduce him with sexy looks and movements, as she clutches the other arm. And now both of them drag Benedict out to the exhibits just hoping to show off to Hyacinth their latest "catch".
As they walk along the pathway, Rose tries to tug Benedict over to her side and rid him of Daisy, and Daisy tries to tug Benedict over her side and rid him of Rose. A game of tug of war pursues and their voices get a little loud. That attracts many of the patrons to investigate what the ruckus is all about.
Naturally Hyacinth has to investigate and sees her 2 sisters with Benedict. Petrified they might see her, she tries to get out of their field of vision but it is too late, Daisy and Rose spot her before she could get away from the crowd.
Rose: There is our Hyacinth…let's ask her whom Sherlock should be escorting here at the flower show.
Daisy: Yes, she is good at that sort of thing.
Both at the top of their lungs: Hyacinth! Hyacinth!
Hyacinth stops dead in her tracks and slowly turns around with a look of embarrassment and disgust on her face.
Hyacinth (rolls her eyes): These are my sisters, Daisy and Rose.
Benedict: (Panic stricken and obviously more shaken up at this point) I-I-I-I MUST find my mother…where is she? Has anyone seen her? HAS ANYONE SEEN MY MOTHER?
Daisy: (Still clutching to his arm) How endearing. A man who treats his mother with respect and concern. A man will treat his wife the way he treats his mother. (She hugs his arm even tighter)
Rose: (still clutching his other arm) I don't know about that, but I do know what they say about men with big feet! (and she winks at Benedict)
By this time, security has called the police and as they show up outside, Richard and Onslow look at each other with a suspicious look on their faces as if to say, "We just know our wives are involved in this somehow. " Wanda notices that look between them and wonders what they know that they aren't telling her.
SCENE 9
As the police escort Rose and Daisy out in handcuffs to go to the police station for causing a ruckus and endangering the welfare of another human being by pulling his arms in a tug of war, Richard and Onslow just sit there with a "we were so right" look on their faces.
Onslow: "Ah Nice! Leave up to Daisy and Rose to cause trouble."
Richard: "I wonder what part Hyacinth played in all of this."
Wanda: "Oh! I am beginning to understand that look the both of you had before when the police showed up.
And just as she says this they hear a commotion and turns their heads in that direction and see a whole slew of paparazzi snapping photographs of Benedict Cumberbatch running away from Hyacinth as she tries to get him to commit to coming to one of her candlelight suppers. Running towards the paparazzi, Benedict pleads with them to surround him and protect him from that mad woman.
Wanda: That's my son! And that is the mad woman who ruined our day out together!
Richard:(hanging his head low, he mumbles) I just knew it...I just knew my wife, Hyacinth, was the cause of all this.
Wanda: What? That woman is your wife?
Richard: Yes, I was hoping it wasn't the case, especially when I saw Rose and Daisy being escorted out by the police, for one moment I thought we escaped just one time without causing an incident."
Wanda gives Richard a sympathetic look and pats him gently on the back.
Onslow: So that is your son.
Wanda: Yes!
Onslow: He looks like that bloke on that TV show about the detective in the funny hat that my wife, Daisy,and her sister, Rose, get all gushy over...the actor with a funny name...
Wanda: Benedict Cumberbatch.
Onslow: Yeah, that's it!
Wanda smiling proudly:That's him!
Onslow: Ah Nice! Dickie, our wives have outdone themselves this time.
And offering his arm to Wanda, she gladly accepts, Onslow escorts her over to her son and reunites the both of them and then makes the paparazzi back off. Onslow then escorts the both of them to his car to drive them home. Relieved to finally have found his mother without injury, Benedict thanks Onslow for keeping her safe and reuniting them.
Benedict: Onslow, old chap, how I can ever repay you!
Onslow: Oh, we'll think of something! We'll have plenty of time to discuss it on the way to your house.
Wanda: There just aren't enough good people like you, Onslow! I can't thank you enough!
Hyacinth just stands there with a look of shock on her face and her jaw drops wide open, when she sees them get into Onslows car that backfires as they drive off. She actually begins to cry and sob uncontrollably as she approaches Richard and says: Just take me home Richard. I want to go home.
SCENE 10
The next day, all of their pictures appear on the front page of the morning newspaper under the headlines:
Movie Star Pleads With Paparazzi To Protect Him From 3 Fanatic Sisters
Hyacinth is not happy and says she can never show her face around town again and it is all Daisy and Rose's fault. She is especially upset that in the article, Benedict Cumberbatch credits Onslow for taking care of his mum and rescuing him from the clutches of the 3 fanatic sisters. She wonders what Richard was doing and why he couldn't be the hero instead of Onslow.
Richard can't help but rub salt in the wound by pointing out how Benedict Cumberbatch was dressed: Richard:Hyacinth, did you happen to see what Benedict was wearing? Relaxed fit trousers, button down shirt with NO TIE, shirt-tails not tucked in, scruffy comfy shoes, relaxed fit blazer, and straw fedora exactly what I wanted to wear.
Hyacinth: (looking annoyed) And your point Richard….
Richard: Think about it Hyacinth, a big celebrity from a higher social class than the one you seem to think we are in, dressing down to a social class lower than the one you say we are just proves that even for the rich and famous casual comfort is more important than making impressions at "sophisticated social events", your words, such as this was.
Hyacinth:(pouting and almost crying) Why don't you just kill me while you're at it, Richard. Not even I thought you would kick a man when he is down, let alone your own wife!
Richard: How does it feel, Hyacinth, to finally get a taste of your own medicine?
Hyacinth: If Sheridan knew how you are treating his dear mummy, he would not stand for it!
Phone rings.
Thinking it is Sheridan, Hyacinth runs to the phone.
Hyacinth: Sheridan you always call at the….
Hyacinth: Oh, it's you Violet…
(she stops and listens to what Violet is saying)
Hyacinth: But none of that was my doing, Violet! I was trying to keep Benedict away from Rose and Daisy. You saw what Rose was wearing! I was trying to spare him the embarrassment. He lost his mother you know. Poor man was being tugged upon like a piece of meat by two hungry wolves. I never should have left him out of my sight until he found his dear mother and accepted an invitation to one of my candle light suppers.
(Hyacinth waits for Violet to respond)
Hyacinth: (rolling her eyes and trying to be patient and not lose it with Violet she responds:) Yes, Violet,…... I did read how Onslow saved the day and gave them a ride home...
(She waits for Violet to continue her comment)
Hyacinth: No, Violet, I will NOT apologize publicly because I wasn't at fault and I don't care that Bruce is connected to their acting agency and is insulted by Daisy and Rose's actions. Tell Bruce to call Daisy and Rose to make their apology and say that their sister Hyacinth had nothing to do with it and is innocent of all charges.
(Waits and listens to Violet's response)
Hyacinth: You say he did call Rose and Daisy and they told him it was all my fault! Now hear me and hear me well, Violet, I WILL NOT BE MAKING A PUBLIC APOLOGY WHEN I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!
GOOD-BYE, VIOLET!
As she hangs up the phone, she stands up straight, squares her shoulders, smooths out the front of her dress, and saunters into her kitchen to do her chores feeling justified in all she just told her sister Violet on the phone.
THE END Music plays….