Lunatic Parade Episode 102
Written by Gabe "Hells Angel" Ricard
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine so don't give me a fine! Hey that rhymes…come on goddamn it! That's clever shit! YOU didn't think of it!
Here we go again with another of my blissfully short and remarkably stupid Lunar: EB fan fics based on the alternate universe presented in the real Lunatic Parade comics found in the strategy guide. This stories are short on plot and long on…something. I'm not sure what. Any case…attempt to enjoy this…I've been told it's funnier after a few dozen belts of whiskey.
(Hiro sits behind in a desk in a studio, Ruby is nearby)
Hiro: Are we on?
Ronfar: (In a nearby room) Yep
Hiro: Fantastic! We're on TV!
Ruby: Public access
Hiro: Ah, but there's a reason it's called public access!
Ruby: Why?
Hiro: So all of the public can access it!
Ruby…Hiro, I think it's time we got someone else to write your jokes
Hiro: Yeah…say, who DOES write my jokes?
Ruby: Former wrestling legend Tito Santana
Hiro: Really?
Lucia: Actually it's me Hiro (smiles and waves to the cameraman)
Ruby: It may as WELL BE former wrestling legend Tito Santana
Ronfar: I dunno Ruby…I always thought Tito to have weak microphone skills
Ruby: Shut up Ronfar!
Ronfar: Ruby…my self-esteem is not the best it's ever been. See, last night in bed with Mauri-
Ruby: SHUT UP RONFAR!
Ronfar: Sorry
Lucia: Ruby, that's not very nice!
Ruby: No one asked you Lucia!
Lucia: Hiro did!
Hiro: Well actually I…
Lucia: Nurses outfit Hiro
Hiro: Oh yeah, I did ask her
Lucia: So there Ruuuuubyyyy!
Ruby: Don't say my name like that!
Lucia: Ruuuubbbyyyyy
Ruby: Stop that!
Lucia: RUUUUBBYYYYYY!!!!
Ruby: That's it! I challenge you to a baby food-eating contest!
Lucia: You're on! (The two walk off)
Hiro: Well…it's a good thing I'm still handsome. Just look at my chin everyone! LOOK AT IT!!!
Jean: (Standing where the band person usually stands surrounded by band person stuff) It is a nice chin…you've had work on it haven't you?
Hiro: No!
Jean: Are you sure? You didn't look like Bruce Campbell before
Hiro: No! I mean yes! I-&^$^%#%$#%$#^!!!!
Jean: That's sad
Ronfar: I agree
Jean: Shut up Ronfar!
Ronfar: Sorry
Hiro: Anyway…let's bring out our guest tonight…who's on a TV screen! Imagine that!
Jean: Where DO you get these amazing ideas
Hiro: I have no idea…
Leo: (Walks by coughing the words 'Space Ghost' Hiro throws his sword at him but ends up killing Nall. Lemina appears and goes through his wallet before making her getaway)
Hiro: Anyway…with us tonight is…Steve Guttenberg!
(TV comes down but no ones on it)
Hiro: Hey, where's Steve?
Ronfar: Oh, I forgot to tell you…he canceled
Hiro: Why?!
Ronfar: I dunno…something about "having more integrity then this" lots of big words I didn't understand
Jean: Like 'the' and 'cat'
Ronfar: Like what and what?
Hiro: So, what do we do now?
Jean: Go home…
Hiro: We live here remember?
Jean: Oh yeah…
Hiro: Ummm…how about you play some funky beats for us Jean?
Jean: No
Hiro: Please?
Jean: (beat) No
Hiro: Could you dance yourself into a sweaty frenzy?
Jean: My rate is 20000 silver an hour
Hiro: (pulls out half a silver and some lint) What'll this buy me?
Jean: I'll raise my eyebrows a couple times
Hiro: Deal!
Jean: (raises her eyebrows twice)
Hiro: YEA HAW! LOOKIT EM EYEBROWS GO!
Jean: Where did you get that southern accent from?
Hiro: I had half a bottle of NyQuil
Jean: So?
Hiro: SOOOO it gives me magic powers
Jean: Like?
Hiro: The ability to fake southern accents
Jean: And?
Hiro: Ummm…that's all Oh and it makes me slee-(head falls on the table. Begins snoring loudly. Lemina appears and steals his wallet)
Jean: Geez I better help Hiro. (Looks at the clock) eep! Samurai Jacks on! (runs off)
(Lucia and Ruby are seen a few feet away stuffing bottles of baby food in their mouths)
Lucia: one thousand-two hundred and seventy two!
Ruby: one thousand-two hundred and eighty!
Lucia: Darn you! I WILL be the winner
Ruby: Keep…ugh…dreaming…(dies)
Lucia: Hey…no one dies…before…ice cream…nipples…(dies)
(Lemina steals their wallets and runs off)
End.
This is going to be the format of lunatic parade from here on out. I like this more then the first story but hey…I've been wrong many, many, many, many, many times before with my writing so if you hate this with the passion of a thousand klingon suns lemme know. Otherwise, thanks for reading.