As she walked closer and closer to her destination, she could almost hear the thud, thud, thud of her heart. It would be the first time visiting him after it had happened. She didn't think she would be able to hold back the tears that were fighting to be released. When she arrived at the first gravestone, she instantly laid down his favorite flowers, orchids. She came to visit him every week, with orchids, it was almost like carrying on the tradition, and it had become somewhat of a ritual. Except this time it was different, she carried two bunches. She kissed the tip of her fingers and traced over the top of the gravestone.
She could still remember the day he left her. The look etched upon his frail, worn out face, was heart breaking. He had said that he loved her very much and that he would always be in her heart. He kissed the top of her head, but as he laid back into his pillow, his last breath escaped from his lips, he would never sing her favorite lullaby to her anymore. Even as a little girl, she knew that she would never be seeing her daddy again. She held his weak hands, knowing that he wouldn't be able to reassure her that he would be o.k that he would be coming back.
--
Now a 17 year old woman, because she was no longer a girl, that day had changed all that. She would be the one looking after her family now, well what was left of it anyway. Ultimately the death of her father, had in a way led to the death of Joe, her eldest brother. Not that she blamed her father. After his death neither her, nor her mother had been the same again, especially her brother. However he had taken it upon himself to look after her and protect her, but the last couple of years had been different. Joe had began isolated himself from everyone, and he had got mixed in with the wrong crowd.
--
It was on the 5th anniversary of their father's death, when it had happened. He had gone on a heavy drinking session with his so called 'friends'. She had tried telling him not to go, but he wouldn't listen, he didn't seem to care. It was almost like he had given up, like he didn't care less about what had happened to him. What hurt Mae most was seeing him like this. Sure he still protected his baby sister, but it just wasn't the same.
As he left to meet up with his friends, Mae had followed him, intent in knowing what they were up to, she had heard his friends and him talking and she intending to find out what they were up to. As she turned the corner, where she had followed Joe's retreating back, she heard him stop. She quickly hid from view, crouching as she did so. Joe and his friends were talking about robbing a jewelry shop. Not too far away from where they were standing, only a few blocks away. Joe began arguing with the gang, it appeared as though he wanted to pull out, that he didn't want a criminal record nor did he want to get in trouble. But his 'friends' weren't going to let him get away, the ring leader, Carl was saying that they made a pact and that they were all in this together. Carl was adamant on keeping Joe there, but Joe didn't want to be a part of it anymore, he didn't want to carry out the robbery but still they weren't listening. Mae emerged from where she was hiding, as soon as she did so Joe noticed her, he shouted at her to leave, that it was too dangerous for her to be there.
As Joe went to reach out for her, Carl bellowed at the boy closest to Joe to," DO IT! DO IT!" The boy hesitated at first, but with the fear he had of Carl, he stabbed Joe in the gut. As soon as he had done it, the other boys ran and ran. Kevin couldn't believe what he had done, with blood staining his now clenched hands, he left in the direction the other boys had gone.
Mae couldn't begin to process what had just happened. She shook, as the tears poured down her cheeks, nothing mattered anymore, except keeping Joe safe and alive. She couldn't bear to lose him as well. She got to him, and tenderly placed his head, into her lap. With tears cascading down her face, she knew that it was over. She just sat there staring into his blank eyes. She didn't know how long she sat there, rocking him back and forth, singing him the lullaby their father had sung to them, as he died in her arms.
--
She blamed herself for his death, if only she had intervened earlier, that's what she kept telling herself, but it still made no difference. It wouldn't bring Joe back, nothing would. Mae sat on the floor of his gravestone, with tears gushing down her once fair face, to what was now a pale one. As she cried her whole body shook, she felt as though she had cried and cried so much that no more could possibly come. But if she didn't cry, it would be as though Joe didn't matter, that she wasn't still mourning his death. She began furiously wiping at her tear-stained face.
As she stood to get up, she felt a hand being placed on her shoulder, her whole body tensed up. She turned her body, to face the person, but she had never expected to see him again. She would never forget his face. All this time she had spent crying, when it was all down to him, it was his entire fault. He had murdered Joe, with out a care for her or her family, he hadn't thought about the effect it would have on them. Every night she had dreamt, when this day would come, when she would be able to confront him. To make him look her in the eyes and say that he had killed Joe. But she never imagined this day would come so soon.
He faintly uttered an apology, "I'm sorry."
The air was chilling. It felt like it was freezing the very blood running through her veins.
"You! What are you doing here; you have no right to be here!" she all but yelled at him.
"It's all your fault, Joe would still be here, if it wasn't for you." As she alleged this, she repeatedly banged her fists against his chest. Kevin did nothing to retaliate; he just stood there and took it.
"I'm sorry," He repeated. "I didn't want to, I would do anything to take back what I did. Every night I lay awake, replaying it over and over again in my mind."
"But you still stabbed him, did you not think about what it would do to my family." She retorted just as harshly as before.
"I can't bring him back, I would if I could, but I can't." Kevin stressed.
He had never wanted to do, what he did, and ever since it had been on his conscience, and he had never been as ashamed of himself as was now. Seeing what he had done to Mae, to Joe's family and he would be the one carrying on his shoulders forever more.
Whilst he was speaking Mae began thumping her fists on his chest again, she was letting out all her frustrations that had been building up the past week. Before she could hit him again, he grabbed her fists but made sure not to put too much force into grabbing her. He didn't want to hurt her anymore than he already had, when ever he looked into her big brown eyes, it reminded him of his younger sister. And that broke his heart in two, because he couldn't imagine possibly making her cry.
He allowed her to bury her face in his shirt, as he gently rubbed soothing patterns on her back. All the while, whispering that he was sorry. She was still shivering and shaking as she gradually quieted down. She pushed him away, as she gathered herself together.
"Why did you do it? Why?" She questioned, almost knowing the answer.
"I didn't want to, Carl forced me into it, and they would have turned on me if I hadn't. I'm sorry if I was selfish enough for wanting to live."
"Well, you are selfish, now I've lost not only my father, but because of you, my brother as well." She shouted.
"I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do." He replied.
Through her tears she replied, "I know, there isn't anything that is going to bring either of them back. But I also know nothing can ever bring justice to what happened to Joe, even you going to jail won't change what happened," She told him. "I'll never forgive you, but I don't want you to waste your life rotting in jail, I know that you will never forget what you did."
"Thank you, I don't deserve the kindness you are showing towards me. But what will you do?" he enquired.
"I'm simply going to pretend as if this," she indicated towards Kevin and herself. "Never happened, that we never had this conversation."
"How can you not hate me?" Kevin asked her.
"Because if there's anything that Joe taught me, it was not to dwell on the past, to forgive past grievances. And that hate was a strong word." Mae voiced the last bit, more quietly than the rest.
With that she walked away, not once turning to look back. He expressed an almost silent gratitude, knowing that she wouldn't hear it. He smiled as he left, knowing that he would never again retell what had happened that night. Not knowing again if their paths would cross.
A smile can disguise so many untold truths.