As soon as I sat inside the fire truck, I felt my eyes well up with tears. Attempting to get rid of them, I turned my head to the side and watched as the truck drove through Atlanta and out of the city. Daryl and Carol sat next to me in the back row of seats, with Daryl immediately to my side and Carol next to the other side's window.
I could feel his eyes on me at moments. I knew he wasn't the type to hold onto lingers for long. I chose to turn to face him for a brief moment. I saw his worried expression and gave him a small smile. It was meaningless though, as I bet no good or reassurance was expressed in my smile.
I went back to looking outside at the passing trees for the next 10 minutes. After those 10 minutes, the man with the red hair and mustache stopped the truck and got out. I looked out the window to see that we were on the outskirts of a pathway into the forest. In response to everyone else getting out, I did the same and met them all on the road right outside of the fire truck.
"Rosita and I are gun'a walk this path here and see where it leads. If it's shelter, I'll run on back to tell y'all. If there ain't nothing, we'll just go back to drivin'." The man told the group. Rick nodded and walked over to Carl and Judith.
I noticed that Carol had stayed in the truck; probably due to her severe injuries. I also noticed Daryl walking over to where I was standing. I gave a deep breath and prepared myself for any talking.
"Hey" He said, touching my arm lightly. I reacted though, and flinched away.
Daryl looked surprised, then apologetic. He let the hand that touched me fall down to his side. He looked awkward, like he didn't know what to do after having what just happened happen.
"I-I'm sorry" I whispered, holding onto my arms. Daryl shook his head.
"Nah, nothing to be sorry 'bout"
I let my arms fall and began to pick at my fingers anxiously. This wasn't how we were supposed to see each other again. I wasn't supposed to be so vulnerable, so changed. Seeing that he wanted to see me, wanted to talk to me, made it all the more worse. I couldn't physically make out a sentence to him, let alone anyone in the group. Not even Maggie, my own damn sister.
From the corner of my eye I saw him lick his lips, a thing he did before saying something. Just when I heard him take a breath in to speak, the man with red hair came running out of the woods.
"Hey, we're all good down there! Let's get a move on with our shit before nightfall."
I walked away from Daryl as soon as I could after the man with red hair came back. I couldn't handle the anxiety of speaking to anyone, I couldn't handle the questions that were bound to be brought up about what happened in that hospital.
The doors to the truck opened and everyone began to grabbing things to carry into the forest. I took my load of bags and started walking to wherever the path led to. For what seemed like a good 5 minutes I finally saw what was a small cabin.
The woman, who the man with red hair called Rosita, was already beginning to border up the windows. I walked over to the porch steps and gave her a look of acknowledgement. I stepped inside the cabin to find it relatively livable.
Although cramped, there was furniture, a fireplace, no corpses, and a kitchen that appeared to have some food.
By the time everyone moved their things into the cabin and bordered the windows and blocked the doors, it was already night. A fire was lit in the fireplace and everyone in the group was huddled around in the living room.
Maggie naturally wanted to sit near me, so she and Glenn sat on the floor where I was against the front of one of the couches. Daryl was sitting on the couch across from me with Rick, Judith, and Michonne. Carl went out of the room to get some food from the kitchen.
I zoned out, staring into the fire. There was conversation among everyone else, but I focused on the fire: the flames, the color, and the freedom yet enclosure of its environment. It could move however it wanted, just as long as it stayed within the fireplace where the wood was.
I had been free at the hospital, just as long as I did what the police officers told me to do. As long as I followed their orders, I could exercise my freedom and leave. That was my naïve idea at least. I discovered shortly that I was never going to leave without breaking their rules.
I killed 3 men in that hospital. I killed human beings. Yet, there's no sadness or remorse for what I had done. No guilt for killing that doctor and no aftershock from murdering those 2 cops. Those men deserved what they got.
O'Donnell, who wanted to turn off the machines that kept Carol alive; the man who laughed with his buddies as Gorman raped Joan. Gorman…I will never regret killing him.
Just as tears began forming in my eyes, I heard my name called. I looked up to see who said something.
"Beth" Maggie said with a soft smile. I turned to face her and looked at her with a blank expression.
"How're you feelin'?" She asked me. I titled my head slightly and shrugged my shoulders. It was a general 'I'm fine' gesture that I hoped everyone would buy. I sniffled my nose and stood up from spot on the floor.
"I'll take first watch tonight" I told everyone. Rick cleared his throat.
"Nah it's fine, I got it tonight. You should get some rest" He said.
"No really, I've got it" I told him with an authoritative tone of voice. He stared at me for a few seconds then raised his eyebrows and nodded in agreement.
Everyone settled down in their respectable sleeping areas as I found a spot by the staircase that led to the 2nd level. I sighed and watched as the group began to sleep. I stared at the front door and began my watch.
After the first hour went by, I heard creaking sounds behind me. I grabbed my knife and swung around to see who it was. Daryl was there with his hands up in surrender.
"Hey, s'jus me, Beth" He said. I slowly put my knife down as he did with his hands. I went back to my seat by the stairs and resumed my look on the door. I heard Daryl slowly make his way over to where I was sitting.
"Mind if I sit?" He asked, already beginning to take a seat. I faced him and nodded slightly. I watched him as he settled himself next to me, his hands resting on his bent knees. He joined me in watching the still front door.
"How're ya feelin?" He asked me under his breath in a low tone. It was that grumble I was familiar with after spending so much time together. It was genuine, but wary. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"I'm alive" I simply put it. That's how I saw it. Well, not all the time. At points I'd feel heartless, cold, and empty. At others I'd remember what happened at the hospital and I'd feel myself breaking down. The memories of the harassment and cruelty that happened there sent me over the edge.
"Ya know that ain't what I asked…" Daryl hesitantly said. I appreciated the fact that he was with me because a huge part of me wanted to reach out and grab him and keep him by my side from the moment I was back with my family. Yet, I couldn't find the strength to say anything to him. I think of the words and it's too painful.
"I…I don't know what to say, Daryl…" I drifted off, feeling tears beginning to well up. Daryl's eyes widened and I felt his arm hook around me, pulling me into his side. I started to shake a little from keeping back all of the tears I've been holding in.
"You're okay...it's okay" He whispered as his head rested on top of mine. Those last words he said. My eyes shot open.
I pushed myself off of Daryl and felt my heart racing, my head feeling more and more dizzy. Those were Gorman's words, those words belonged to him, I heard those words before he…
As I stood up and backed myself away from him and into the corner of the front entrance of the cabin, I saw Daryl shoot up and try to calm me down. I started to cry in fear.
"Beth, it's me! It's just me, you're home now" He said in a soft yet panicked voice. He held his hands out to bring me out of the corner and back to him. I saw his large hands and saw Gorman's. I began to cry more frantically, flailing my hands around in front of me to get Gorman away from me.
"Don't touch me!" I yelled in a hoarse voice in between me sobs. I widened my eyes as I noticed I couldn't breathe properly. I sunk down against the wall I was up against and clutched my chest.
I saw the figures of multiple people come running into the room with me and Gorman. I didn't who they were or what they wanted. One particular woman knelt down next to me and put her hand on my head.
With staggering breaths I threw my hands to my head to block her out.
"Stop, get away from me!" I kept yelling with my eyes shut. My yells eventually became soft "No's" over and over again. I rocked myself back and forth with my eyes still shut. One of my scars began to sting. I brought my hands down from my head to cover my face instead when I felt warm liquid covering my face.
The smell of blood entered my nose and I knew I had been beaten by Dawn for acting out.
"Please, no more!" I cried out quietly into the room, primarily because I had lost my voice from screaming. I finally opened my eyes and saw Daryl staring at me with tears in his eyes. No more than 2 feet away on the floor with me he sat.
He saw that I recognized him and began to move closer. By the time he had reached my side again, I realized I wasn't in the hospital anymore. The woman who touched me was Maggie and the people surrounding me were my family.
Daryl came to my ear and lightly touched my hand.
"Let's go to the kitchen and clean you up" He whispered. I nodded without looking at him. With the help of him, I stood up and walked to the kitchen, leaving everyone else behind in the front entrance.
Daryl led me to a chair and sat me down. He grabbed a towel and began to wipe away at the blood that wasn't near my wound.
I stared at the doorway that led to where the others were still in shock, ignoring Daryl's presence as he cleaned my face. My head moved along with the towel's strokes.
Daryl finished wiping and sighed. His arms dropped from their angled position at my face and he simply stood in front of me. I sensed he felt uncomfortable, as he moved from his stance to grab a chair next to me.
Before I knew it I felt something cover my newly-opened cuts. Daryl was putting on bandages.
"C'mon, let's go outside and get some air" He suggested after finishing with the bandages. He stood up and offered his hand like he did after my panic attack.
I took it and followed him to the back door of the cabin. He moved the barricades he put in place earlier and opened the door to reveal a porch and the cool breeze of the night.
We stepped out of the cabin and sat on the porch, right on the edge of it. A good 2 feet separated us. Neither one of us spoke for a good minute. I then let out a little huff of amusement. Daryl looked up and furrowed his eyebrows, gesturing for me to explain what was so funny.
"It's just like that moonshine cabin…" I softly said. I tilted my head to the side and watched the clouds in the sky slowly move.
"Feels like another life we lived" Daryl said. I made a sound of agreement and began picking at my fingers some more. More silence ensued.
I could feel Daryl staring at me, which made me only pick at the skin on my fingers even more nervously. His stares, their stares, just represented my estrangement from the group. I didn't feel like I belonged anymore.
"Look, I…I realize that things here are a lot different" He cautiously began to say. I shot my head up to stare him down.
"No shit" I let out. I meant it.
He just looked at me, partly in shock partly in acceptance. I turned back to looking at the ground below us. Another minute passed.
"…Noah told us about the place…general stuff but-
"What'd he tell ya?" I interrupted him with an entertained but stern tone of voice. Daryl appeared taken back by my sudden interest in conversation. I titled my head to the side and stared at him.
"He tell you about the men there? He tell you about the absolute horrible things that happened there?"
"I-I, well he just said that there were people-
"Because whatever he told you and the rest of them, there's still more he missed…more that happened that he doesn't know about" I told him. This time, no tears were welling up.
Daryl grunted and rubbed his face with his hands in frustration.
"Look, I know it's been hard, I've seen it in your face, but…I needa know what happened" He lifted his head to look at me. I could see his eyes wander around my face, looking at my wounds. His eyes finally landed on my eyes, seeing how different they now were.
I took a couple of deep breaths, preparing myself physically for whatever was to result from me willingly revisiting my memories from the hospital. I couldn't bear to think of looking at him while saying everything, so I settled on some small splinter sticking out of the porch, occasionally moving it around.
"I'm just guessing here, but I assume Noah told you about the rape, harassment, and abuse?" I asked Daryl. I slowly lifted my head to look for a response from him. I heard him grunt.
"Well, just before Noah and I set out to escape, I…I killed a man" I struggled to say the last part.
Daryl scooted a little closer to me. "He deserve it?"
I looked into his eyes and nodded.
"This world lost nothing once that man died"
Daryl continued to look at me. His desperation for more information was obvious. I closed my eyes shut and took another deep breath.
"He raped, he harassed, and Dawn never stopped him" I said with my eyes still closed. I heard the porch's wood boards creek and I saw Daryl's hands pressed against them, releasing his desire to punch something.
A blow of wind came by, making me involuntarily shiver. Daryl saw me and began to sit himself up. He stood up and reached down his hand for mine.
"C'mon, let's head inside for it's warm"
I looked up at him, then his hand. I took it but pulled myself up, not needing his help.
We walked back inside the house, where the rest of the family were settling down in the living room. Daryl led me to a corner in the room that had a good view of all the windows in there as well as the front door. He grabbed a blanket he saw being unused.
"C'mon, we can keep watch together" He said, holding the blanket. I softly smiled. I kneeled down to the floor to take my spot. Daryl followed shortly, seating himself right beside me. I was able to fit inside his chest and arms as he wrapped one of them back around my waist.
Suddenly I was overcome with a wave of exhaustion. I didn't want to sleep, but I couldn't fight it.
"Daryl, I…" I started.
"Shh, it's okay" He whispered. He placed a kiss on my head and lightly leaned his on it. Before I knew it I was out like a light in Daryl's arms.