Surviving With Love
Christian's POV:
It's been a year. At first I thought that I wouldn't survive a day, let alone the past twelve months. I grip Anna tighter, weaving myself closer around her. I am holding her to protect her and myself. Ana stirs at little her sleep but doesn't wake. Oh what I wouldn't do for us both to sleep the whole day, and skip it. I kiss Ana's forehead softly. I long to feel more of her on me. She has been so strong when at times she would have preferred to break down, especially in front of our family. We did break down a couple of times, but that was in private, together away from Ted and everyone else. I look towards the large windows in our bedroom and notice it is a customary cloudy Seattle day, and I am glad for it. It almost wouldn't seem right for the sun to shine through on such day.
Anna slowly wakes up and looks up to me. Our eyes meet, but rather than feel the passion and the desperate need to be together physical, we feel the intense need for support and love from each other. A dark cloud is hovering above and will return every year on this day. It is an anniversary that we never wanted to experience. Today is the day Phoebe closed her sweet grey eyes for the last time, never to open them again, just twelve months ago.
Every time I close my eyes, I see my daughter before she was ill. Running in the meadow and having everyone wrapped around her finger. I hear her laughter as she runs around with Ted and her long brown hair caught in the wind. Then of course was her eyes, they shined and once she looked up at your with them, you were under her spell. This is how I remember my little girl, young, carefree and full of love. She represented optimism and endless hope. She loved and cherished everything. I can honestly say that I love both my children equally, but Phoebe was daddy's little girl.
"Morning," Anastasia says omitting the word 'good'. I wipe a stray tear that has made an early morning appearance. I know tears will flow later, but not now, not yet. Ana had been so strong for me, but I know that my time was coming to reciprocate. I run my hands through her hair, sweeping it away from her flawless face.
"Hi" I reply and hug her tighter knowing we both need to feel close. "I wish we didn't have to leave our bed today." I murmur.
"Me too, but we need to. Ted is going to need us, and then there is our family. We are all due to meet our whole family and Ray soon." Ana says sadly.
We both slowly get out of bed, robotically, and go into the bathroom. Together we enter the shower, and I carefully wash and condition her hair. Though my hands travel freely over her physical shape, we do not act on this feeling. Other feelings are too dominant today.
I dry myself in record time and walk to my wardrobe. Today is Monday, and I would usually be pulling out my trademark white business shirt, suit and tie, but not today. Ana and I are not going to go to work, and Ted has been given the day off from school. In fact, no one in the Grey family is going to go about their everyday business. We are all meeting at the cemetery for a memorial, then will go to Bellevue to be together today. Ray is driving up, though Carla is staying in Georgia, by Ana's request. She knows that her mother being here won't help.
I pull on a pair of pants and slip my socks and shoes on. I then grab the first shirt on the neatly piled stack. I am about to put it on when I see that I have grabbed a T-shirt. I stand still and hold it out in front of me. It is a standard dark colored T-shirt, but has a picture of Peppa Pig's dad on it and says 'Daddy Pig'. Anastasia has a similar shirt, but it is pink and says 'Mommy Pig.' Both shirts were a gift from Phoebe. She loved the Peppa Pig show as a three year old and one day, whilst shopping with Grace, her grandmother, thought the shirts were hilarious and so they purchased them. I would wear this T-shirt occasionally when I was home with her, and she was at the hospital as it did make her smile. I contemplate wearing this shirt today, under my shirt, but I can't bear to wear it, rather I bury my face in the shirt and struggle to hold back tears.
Recomposing myself, I throw on a white shirt and move towards Ana. Lovingly, I wrap my arms around her, comforting my wife as we have done for each other and our children constantly since we found out Phoebe was ill.
"I don't know what to wear. I was going to wear that bright pink dress that Phoebe loved, but then I changed my mind, thinking maybe I would be too bright. Then I thought maybe I should wear some pants, but then changed my mind again, because Phoebe loved dresses and we would go shopping for them. It was the only time's I thoroughly enjoyed shopping" Ana rests her head on my chest as I continue to comfort her and provide her some solace. "It is such a simple decision to choose something to wear, and I can't seem to make it" Ana shakes her head at her indecisiveness.
"Do you want me to choose something for you?" I offer.
"No, I will just wear that knee length dark blue dress that I have" she says giving up. I stand close by, ready to offer comfort or whatever help she should need. I know both of us will need to see Flynn again soon, especially after this day. I have had his advice on repeat in my mind, and I don't know if I am going to be successful. 'Keep it a day of remembrance rather than a day of pain. Remember Phoebe for what she was, not sadness of her not being here.'
Ana and I exit our room, and find Ted walking down the hallway. "Morning Mom and dad." He says. Our son walks over and hugs his mother and me. He has been doing this every morning since Phoebe came home after her last hospital visit. "I wrote Phoebe a letter last night, would it be okay if I read it to her today?" Ana and I hold back tears long enough to agree. Ana then grips Ted tightly again.
"We should and have some breakfast," I tell them both, trying to find some diversion.
Ted walks down the stairs in front of us whilst Ana and I follow behind him, hand in hand. I would never have believe that one of the greatest sources of comfort and strength for Ana and I, would be our ten year old son, but he has been extraordinary strong after a few weeks after his sister's death. However, we have been sending him to a therapist to ensure that he can talk things through properly. We also didn't want our grief to impact on him, nor did we want him to bottle up his emotions. Every night we make sure that he knows that we love him.
Gail as usual is downstairs and has made breakfast. She's prepared a breakfast of pancakes, bacon, eggs, hash browns and fresh orange juice. All which are Ted's favourite breakfast foods. Gail passes me my customary omelette and coffee. She has pre-pared Ana's granola and yogurt with English breakfast tea.
Gail gives us as sympathetic smile, but then hangs her head down. We have asked her and Taylor to come with us today. It seemed only appropriate, and it was our wish for them to be with us. They knew Phoebe from the first day she was born and were a significant part of her life, just like the other members of our family. Gail took on the role of Phoebe's babysitter when Ted started school and our daughter didn't want to come to our workplaces anymore. We often came home to find Gail and Phoebe decorating some cake they made, or biscuits, or making something. My daughter's cooking skills were better than mine before she even turned three.
We all sit, eating breakfast in an unfamiliar silence. Once in a while, one of us would say something when we needed the diversion, though it was on irrelevant matters. I smile as I watch Ted finish off his breakfast. Something he has only been doing since Phoebe started to get sick. Ana and I assumed this was his way to help decrease my stress level.
"Mom and Dad, I have finished my breakfast. Can I leave the table?" Ted enquires.
"Yes and you need to go upstairs and wash your hands and teeth. Also grab a sweater, I don't want you getting cold" I tell Ted as we watch him obediently set off to do his tasks. I hold Ana's hand, smiling lightly at her. No matter what, we still remember what we have. We then notice that Ted is walking back to us.
"Excuse me, but do we have the flowers that Phoebe liked? You know those pink and whites ones" Ted enquires.
"Yes we do. Taylor has them ready for us" I reply to my son's satisfaction. Phoebe loved Asiatic Lilies. I bought some home once for Ana, and our daughter adored them, even declaring it was her favorite flower.
"Good. It will make the grave look pretty, and she will like them" Ted looks pensive but then walks back upstairs. I notice that Ana is breathing in deeply, trying to keep herself composed. My strong Ana, has been doing so well, but today is a different story. It was always going to be. I tug on Ana's hand and place her on my lap. I wrap my arms around her tightly, and she lays her head on my neck.
"It's okay Anastasia. I wish she was here too" Ana starts to lightly cry in my arms. I look around the dining room and the house. Every corner reminds me of Phoebe in some way. The mat in the main room, was her favorite place to play as a baby; the doorway of the main room was where she held on to and then let go to take her first steps towards us; the staircase was where she sneaked down one night and waited for Ana, and I to come home from a charity function. This very table is where, I would encourage, cajole and even threaten her, to get Phoebe to eat a sufficient amount of her meals. Our house is bittersweet, it reminds us of what we have lost, but ironically it a source of comfort because this is where our daughter lived, where her warmth and happy spirit resides. We could never move away.
We arrive at the cemetery where the significant people from our daughter's life has congregated. Father Walsh is here also to conduct the memorial. My parents still attend church most Sundays, and often took Phoebe, Ted and Ava with them. Phoebe would have wanted Father Walsh to be conduct this memorial
Together, the three of us join the small crowd. Hugs and tears are quickly shared. When Ana and I then see the final resting place of our little princess and watch as Ted places the flowers down, our tears really start to flow, as does that of our family members. However, we are supported by each other, all standing closely.
"Phoebe Grace Grey, left us a year ago, but she is not forgotten…" Father Walsh commences.
A year ago? Everything seems a blur now. How did we end up here?
Three years ago (Ted is seven and Phoebe is five)
I playfully place another strawberry in Ana's mouth and then kiss her passionately. Stealing a moment of intimacy, which our children would either consider embarrassing or gross while they are running freely in the meadow, after our picnic lunch. This is our favorite spot on the large outside grounds. It is one of the few places that I can keep my family safe and let them feel free, and not watched by security, at the same time.
"Would you like another strawberry, Anastasia?" I offer. Ana shakes her head as she is laying down on the picnic rug.
"I am thirsty" I give her my wicked smile while I take a drink from my wine glass and then open her mouth and share my wine.
"Better?" I ask
"Much" Ana's eyes turn dark, inviting me to kiss her. She opens her mouth allowing me to possess her. We are instantly engulfed in our combined electricity.
"I will never get my fill of you Anastasia" I tell her. "I wonder if Taylor and Gail could look after the children for an hour for us. I don't know if I can wait till tonight to have you right now" Ana giggles loudly making me want her even more.
We then heard a noise and a cry, which makes us return to reality.
"Mom! Dad! Come, Phoebe is hurt" Ted calls out. I spring into action and go over and find Phoebe has fallen and is crying. Ana and I know that something is wrong immediately. Our strong and feisty little girl usually gets up after a fall and keeps going, though lately she has been getting hurt rather easily.
"What's wrong Phoebe? What hurts?" Ana asks.
"My leg. I slipped and really hurts." Ana pulls up our daughters three quarter tights, and we literally gasp at what we see. Numerous bruises on her leg. My over-controlling persona takes over it, wanting to know if anyone has been hurting her. Phoebe started full time school this past year, with Ava, and I will make someone pay if my daughter has not been looked after appropriately.
"Phoebe, how did you get all these bruises?" I ask her. I know it wouldn't have just happened. As she fell.
"I don't know, I just bump myself and then keep coming up" she explains. Ana and I look at each other concerned. I bend down and pick up Phoebe and carry her inside. Ana reading my mind is ringing Grace. My mother agrees to come over. Though it is more than likely that my mother has only agreed to keep me composed. She is right. If she couldn't come over, I would rush Phoebe to the hospital or to another doctor.
Ana and I listen as my mother looks her over and asks her a series of questions. My mother smiles as Phoebe answers each question, but I know this smile. It is the one my mother gives people, when she is masking some concern. My mother looks at her watch and then pulls out her cell phone.
"Do either of you have anything on today, that you need to be at?" My mother asks.
"No," Ana replies for us both.
"You need to arrange for Elliot, Kate or Mia to pick up Ted." She tells us then starts to ring someone on her phone. At first I want to demand answers, but my mother looks worried that I instantly enter CEO mode, and start to control what I can. I ring Elliot and Kate who agrees to come and pick up Ted. Gail will keep an eye on him until they get here.
"Do we need to take Phoebe to the hospital straight away?" Ana enquires.
"Probably not. It is more than likely to be nothing. However I would feel better if Phoebe is examined straight away. I can get a specialist to look at her today, rather than having to wait" My mother is in doctor mode, and I know to follow her instructions to the dot.
Ana is now sitting with our rather fatigued daughter while we wait for my mother to get off her phone. I am getting a little restless not knowing every detail. I give my mother a look to tell her to talk to me.
"We need to go to the hospital. Phoebe, I have a good friend of mine who wants to see you and ask you some questions okay?" My mother tells her softly, with the mix of a loving grandmother and a pediatrician.
"Am I in trouble?" Phoebe asks.
"Oh no, of course not sweetheart, but I do think you may need to see a very special doctor and get some special medicine. Okay?"
"Okay grandma" Ana helps our daughter up and takes her to the SUV which Taylor has waiting for us. He has been listening at the doorway. Once Ana and Phoebe cannot see or hear us. I stand in front of my mother.
"Mom, what is it? What are you not saying" I ask authoritatively.
"I am not sure Christian, but I think Phoebe may be awful sick. Come we need to get her checked out" My mother demands.
At the hospital, we are met by a Dr Watson. Together he and my mother go over Phoebe's medical history and do a series of tests. The numerous questions which are directed at Ana and I, are the only thing keeping me in check. I need to remain focused for Phoebe and not let my fears overcome me.
Ana and I hold Phoebes hand throughout the day. They check and record her bruises, which we learn are not just on her legs, but on different parts of her body. Then they check for signs of infection, anemia, abnormal bleeding, and swollen lymph nodes. The doctor and my mother then feel Phoebe's abdomen, which I later learn was to see if there is an enlarged liver or spleen.
"Mr. and Mrs. Grey, we are going to order a complete blood count of your daughter." Dr Watson informs us.
"What are you looking for?" Ana asks. She is a ball of nerves, as am I. Things do not feel right at all. My mother and Dr Watson look at each other.
My mother pulls a chair up to sit in front of us. Phoebe is in a hospital bed asleep now, worn out from the battery of tests they have already put her through for the past twenty four hours. We only expected to be here a couple of hours, get some medication and take our daughter home. "We need to measure the number of white cells, red cells, and platelets in Phoebe's blood. A blood smear will be examined under a microscope to check for certain specific types of abnormal blood cells, and we also need to check her blood chemistry. We just need to make sure that nothing is causing Phoebes symptoms." Symptoms?
Though my mother seems to be upfront, I know she is hiding something. But I don't want to worry Ana, any more than she is already and I can't leave her side or Phoebes.
"Do it," I tell my mother.
They decide to keep Phoebe in the hospital until we get the results, rather than leave. My mother has pulled some strings and because let face it, I could afford to purchase this whole hospital if I wanted to.
Ana is sleeping on the little couch in the room, with her head on my lap and Phoebe is still asleep. I have tried to sleep also, but it evades me. Fear and mixed emotions are engulfing me, regardless of the tranquil vision of Ana and Phoebe both sleeping.
I am somewhat overjoyed in the morning when Phoebe wakes up and looks brighter. In fact, Phoebe looks she could take on the world and shouldn't be in this hospital bed. To our surprise and joy, Teddy arrives in his school uniform with Elliot, Kate, and Ava. They are also closely followed by Taylor and Gail with breakfast. Ana and I hug Ted tightly, feeling horrible that we haven't seen him since yesterday, though we spoke on the phone.
"You know Phoebe, if you wanted a day off school, there are easier ways than ending up in the hospital. I know all the tricks, I can tell you about them all if you like" Elliot tells her making her smile. Usually I would come up with a similar response, but I will accept anything that makes my daughter smile or laugh right now.
"Uncle Elliot you're very funny." Phoebe complements him.
"I know. You should tell your dad that more." Elliot comments playfully and raises his eyebrows at me.
"I made everyone breakfast," Gail says and start to lay out the breakfast and plates. Together we all start to eat. It is more like a casual family breakfast, rather than sitting around waiting in a hospital room.
"Is there room for two more?" My father asks, holding a wrapped parcel with Mia. Wow the whole Grey family is here now, with the exception of my mother, but she is somewhere in the hospital.
"Sure," Phoebe says smiling. She looks so happy, but she has always been happiest when the family has been together. My dad goes over and kisses her and pass her the package in his hands.
"This is for you princess. Your grandmother rang me last night and told me how brave you have been"
"Thank you Grandpa" Phoebe eagerly takes the parcel and with the help of Ava starts to unwrap it. Inside is the latest doll from the strawberry collection that Phoebe and Ava are into lately. My little girl looks excited as she sees her cherished gift. The two girls pull open the packaging and commence to play with the doll and its accessories. Looks like someone is going to have to go and buy one for Ava also.
I notice then that my mother is at the door and smiles when she the whole family here. "Phoebe we are going to have to get you a bigger hospital room soon" My mother jokes.
"Can't I go home? I am supposed to go to school today" Phoebe says sadly.
"Yeah Grandma, I always sit next to Phoebe in class" Ava exclaims.
"I am sorry my little princess's but not today. Phoebe we need to do a few more tests" My mother explain trying not to frowning. Especially when both her granddaughters groan.
"Well I think that is our time to leave. Come Ted and Ava, time for school" Elliott and Kate tell them. They kiss Phoebe goodbye, and we promise to ring them when we hear something. Once the room has been cleared a little, my mother talks to Mia. My sister then strategically goes over to Phoebe and starts to talk to her about her new doll.
"Ana and Christian, can I talk to you both outside?" My mother asks, where we find Dr Watson waiting. My father also follows outside the hospital room with our permission.
"What is happening Grace? What is wrong with Phoebe?" Ana asks, now shaking a little. I stand behind Ana holding her and seeking comfort at the same time. My emotions are becoming too hard to handle again.
"The blood works we took from Phoebe showed that she has an elevated level of white blood cells, not enough red cells, and not enough platelets." My mother tells then looks down, now leaning a little on my father. Not being able to continue, Dr Watson continues.
"What we are concerned about is how many of Phoebe's white cells could be blasts, a type of immature cell not normally found in the bloodstream. These cells don't work the way they should, and this is the concern." Dr Watson informs us.
Ana has gripped me tightly. "Doctor Watson, what is your area of specialty?" I finally ask. Why didn't I ask before?
"I am a pediatric oncologist" The doctor says almost sighing. Oncologist? Cancer? I look at my parents, and I see it in their eyes, sorrow, pain and devastation.
"What is wrong with my daughter?" I demand to know.
"We won't know for sure until we get a sample of her bone marrow…" I can't handle this going around in circles.
"STOP! Just tell me what you think it is. Now!" I order, trying not to go thermonuclear.
"We believe Phoebe to be suffering from acute lymphocytic leukemia." Ana's legs give way, and if it wasn't for the fact that I was holding her, she would have collapsed to the ground. I pick Ana up and put her on the chair nearby, though I still have my arms around her. I try to absorb the news I have just heard, but I can't seem to believe it.
"Christian and Ana, we need to get a sample of Phoebe's bone marrow, and we want to do it immediately. It will confirm our suspected diagnosis and then tell us exactly what we are looking at. One of you will need to come with her. She is going to be scared and possibly in some pain" My mother tells us, struggling to find the line between doctor and grandmother.
Ana and I decide that I should go with Phoebe while my parents stay with her. I send a text to Kate, asking her to come back immediately to the hospital and be with Ana. As much as Kate and I have had our differences over the yeasr, she is an extraordinary friend to Ana and will help to keep her calm while I am with Phoebe.
"Daddy, I am scared," Phoebe says as I place her on the bed where they will do the aspiration. I desperately try to hide fear, being strong for my little girl.
"You don't need to be Phoebe. I am here and won't leave you. I will never leave you. Also, Dr Watson is here, and all these people are friends with your grandmother. They will look after you" I kiss my little girl and tell her softly to lie on her stomach. I sit in front of my daughter so she can see me.
"You are so brave my little angel. You know we are so proud of you" I continue to encourage my daughter as I look at her and the medical professions working on my little girl. They commence to clean the area of skin around Phoebe's hip bone and then numb the area. My heart stops to beat as I see the doctor make a small cut and insert a large needle.
"Daddy, it hurts!" Phoebe screams, out. A couple of nurses come around her and keep her still.
"I know Princess, but it will be over soon. I promise. You are doing amazingly." I tell her.
The needle is removed, and then pressure is placed on the wound. Phoebe is now screaming but doesn't cry. Never is one tear shed by my daughter. I wrap my arms around her as best as I can in the position she is in. Phoebe again has tired herself out, and by the time, we get back up to the room she is fast asleep. After making sure Phoebe is sleeping soundly, I go over to Ana and wrap my arms around her. Together we both commence to cry. Neither of us able to believe what is happening in our happy lives.
The results are life shattering. Phoebe is found to have thirty percent of blast cells in her bone marrow. These are immature cells and do not work property and confirms the doctor's original diagnosis of Acute Leukemia. Our life changes completely. In fact, the whole Grey family changes their routine, so Phoebe is never alone. Ros agreed to increase her workload to accommodate my need to be with my family while I oversee the operation of my company from my laptop only when my daughter is asleep. Ana gave up her position at Grey Publishing, though I have kept the company for her. Maybe one day she will want to return to it.
Elliot, Mia and Kate generously fill a lot of their time caring for us all, especially Ted and Ava to make sure they don't feel like all the attention is on Phoebe. My parents spend weekends at the hospital and practically force Ana and me to go home, when we agree to do so. The focus of our lives surrounds our daughter and our son. We use our wealth to ensure Phoebe was comfortable and received the best treatment. Nothing is missed. Phoebe undergoes treatment after treatment and eighteen months later we finally learn that she has entered remission. Though the key thing everyone notes is how phenomenal Phoebe has been through this whole ordeal. She never lost her smile or positive attitude.
Everything is going so well that Ana and I decide to take the whole Grey family to Disney World in Florida. Even Ray agrees to come. Everything is perfect. We finally start to relax when our world comes to a complete crash.
"I am sorry Mr and Mrs Grey, but Phoebe has relapsed. The cancer has come back and with a vengeance. The spinal tap we did has shown that it has spread to her central nervous system. It is worse than before" Dr Watson tells us.
"How long does Phoebe have?" Ana murmurs. I am furious at her question. My daughter will not die. I refuse to allow that.
"With treatment, maybe six months to a year. Maybe less" the doctor says.
"Start treatment now. Do whatever you have to do." I order. My breathing has become harsh, and I feel the need to hit something. That evening, I call Bastille to our home on the sound for a workout. Taylor and Elliot are in the gym also. We all commence with some warm up exercises and hitting the punching bag. Bastille and I train together, I go at him with every painful emotion, hurt and feeling of uselessness that has being built up inside of me. Regardless of everything I have achieved, the billions, the companies I own, the countless jobs I have saved and charities I have donated to, I can't protect or save the one person who needs it most, my little princess.
I manage to kick Bastille off his feet, three times, but it doesn't help. My anger is building up, growing up even quicker. I want to scream, yell, anything to get rid of this pain. I go at Bastille one more time, but when I have knocked him off his feet, I don't stop. I start to hit and yell. "Why does she have to be so sick? Why Phoebe? Why does she have to face death" Taylor and Elliot rip me off Bastille, who is sitting there shocked and bruised.
I am sitting on the floor, legs crossed. Devastation is overcoming me, and I can't stop my tears. Taylor and Elliot are next to me, ready to stop me from hurting myself or anyone else. "Why? Why can't I save her? Why can't I give up everything I have for Phoebe?" I ask my brother.
"I don't know Christian. It isn't fair" Elliot starts to cry and then for the first time ever, hugs me. Together we sit there and cry. Cry for my daughter, cry for his niece and the loss we may have to face.
Phoebe, like a hero, undergo all treatments, but it is obvious that her body isn't coping. We seem to just be going through the motions. I bring in the world's best doctors, but nothing helps. It was a couple of weeks before Phoebe passed away, when she first talks about dying to us.
"Mommy and Daddy. I want to go home. Please let me go home" Phoebe pleads. She has been in this hospital room for a few weeks now, receiving treatment at first, but now keeping her comfortable and treating her symptoms to the best of the hospital staffs ability. Keeping her alive for as long as possible.
"Phoebe princess, I am sorry, but you are too sick to go home" Ana explains softly.
"Mom, I have been sick for two years now. I know that I am never going to get better, so I want to go home. I don't want to be here anymore." Phoebe says. Ana and I are emotional but unconvinced. I know I can pay for any type of medical care at home, but nothing can replace a hospital. Phoebe takes a deep breath and then sits up.
"I don't want to die here. I don't want to die in hospital. I want to go home, please" Phoebe says and cries. She is actually crying. This is the first time she had cried in the last two years when we started this ordeal.
I contact my mother and request an immediate plan to be put into place to take Phoebe home. Many strings are pulled, and a lot of money is paid, and two days later we take Phoebe home. My mother has moved in, with my father, providing extra medical care and support. I have hired two nurses, so Phoebe is kept comfortable and cared for around the clock.
Regardless of our reservations we soon find a lot of joy of having Phoebe back home, even though she is mainly stuck in her bed. We have picnics in her room, watch movies, play games, and we all find our smile again. We even have Christmas in this room. Everything seems closer to normal, which is strange, but we cling on to whatever we can these days.
That is until that one night, when it all changes. Ana and I are lying on opposite sides of Phoebe while Ted is at the end of the bed. We are riding to the story 'Pollyanna' which she says is now her favorite book. Ana stops at the last chapter.
"I will read the next chapter tomorrow. You two should go to sleep" Ana says.
"No, please mom, finish it. There isn't much left. Please finish it" Phoebe pleads.
"Mom, even I want to know what happens. Finish it, or Phoebe will annoy me all day tomorrow asking me what I think happens in the end" Ted says. While it sounds like he just wants to keep his sister quiet the truth is that he wants to make Phoebe happy.
"Okay. I will finish it." Ana says. I hold my sons and daughters hand as Ana reads. I love the sound of my wife's voice. It is peaceful and make my heart beats.
"The end." Ana says closing the book "And it's time to go to sleep you two" Ana finishes.
We look both get off the bed and kiss Phoebe. She smiles at us all. "I love you Mom, Dad and Ted," she says.
"We love you too" We tell her.
And that is when is all ended. Where our world changed forever. Phoebe closed her eyes and peacefully left us.
Ana grips my hand tighter, and I realize where I am and when. We let our beautiful little girl go. We wanted her to be at peace and end her pain, and then allowed a hole to form in our lives.
"Ted, Phoebe's beloved older brother, would like to read a letter" Father Walsh tells us.
Our son stands tall, and we can tell that he is a little nervous. He looks at the whole family and then to Phoebes grave before he starts.
Dear Phoebe,
It has been a year since we saw you last, and I only hope that in heaven that you don't feel any pain and don't have to have any more tests or visit the hospital or doctors. No more needles, no more chemo, nothing. I pray every night to God that you are safe and happy.
I hope you are allowed to watch TV when you want and don't have to do maths homework, which I know you hated. I hope you know that we think about you every day. We all still love you and always will. We may not be able to see you, but I know you are with us.
Before you died, you asked me to do a few things. You asked me to make sure of a few things, and I told you I would let you know how it all went while you are in heaven. You asked me to make sure that mom and dad would be okay. You wanted them to still love each other heaps and even kiss like they do. You were scared that Dad and Mom would be sad. I can tell you that they do still kiss and still love each other, though we are still sad at times. But we make it through each day.
You asked me to let you know how the whole family is doing, and they are okay too. Everyone is always around each other, just like you liked it best. We are always around so many Grey family members, every day that it's almost black as opposed to Grey. You would have loved it.
We miss you every day, but I know that you were in pain and wanted it to end. Everyone in our family has shown what you taught us. Everyone can survive and get through anything, as long as there is love. You used our family love to accept the fact that you could go to heaven, safe in the knowledge that we would all be alright.
But some days I wish you would just walk into my room, take something of mine or try to get me to watch some silly Barbie movie with you. I miss my sister but one day we will see you again. I know that you will wait for me.
I love you, your bother.
Theodore Raymond Grey.
We are all tears and full of pride as Ted puts his letter in an envelope and places it on Phoebe's grave.
With Ted in between us, Ana and I walk off to go and join our family at Bellevue, safe in the knowledge that our love and our families love is the strongest thing in the world. Cancer and death can't destroy it, and while we feel our daughter's absence every minute of the day, we know she is around us, and one day will be with her again.