Author's Note:
This takes place at the end of 'Demons'. I don't think we've really seen how the shooting affected Castle. He really hasn't been allowed to show what he went through. I thought that the events at the end of 'Demons' would be a good set up for him finally snapping and saying what needed to be said. Enjoy!
It was late, or early, depending on how you wanted to look at it. She knew she could have left the paperwork until later but she liked to have cases closed and this one, while not as intense as some had affected her more than most since it ended up their perp was a former cop. Castle had insisted on staying even though she had told him numerous times he could go.
He had been quieter than usual on the way back to the 12th but she hadn't prodded, chalking it up to the late hour. But now he had sat at her desk side for three hours and hadn't played one game on his phone, or sent her obnoxious text messages, or doodled on her post-its. He had been so quiet she assumed he had fallen asleep until she looked up and saw him staring, head propped up his hand, elbow resting heavily on the edge of the desk.
She was about to ask him what was wrong when a member of the over night cleaning crew hit a metal trashcan with their mop. The sound was sharp and loud and reverberated around the mostly empty floor. He jumped as if he had been struck, elbow slipping off the desk to land harshly on the arm of the chair. She almost cracked a joke and then she saw his face. He was ashen, and a flicker of terror could still be seen in his eyes.
"Jesus, Castle! What's wrong?" she asked, concern giving her voice a sharper edge.
He sprang to his feet and ran both hands through his already rumpled hair, exhaling sharply and turning away from her.
"What's wrong?" he echoed, "You had a gun pointed at you Kate, how could anything be wrong with that?" sarcasm now with a hint of something she couldn't place.
"I have guns pointed at me all the time, Castle." she responded, not understanding why tonight had affected him so much. "We were also in total control of the situation. There were twelve other cops only feet away, nothing would have happened."
He was pacing now in the small walk space next to her desk, agitation increasing with every stride. He scrubbed his hands roughly over his face before finally looking at her and she sat back in her chair when she saw the raw emotion in his eyes. And the anger.
"You were unarmed!" he roared
With no more thought she leapt to her feet, grabbed him by the elbow and directed him towards the break room. In her peripheral she could see Esposito, half out of his seat but she waved him off with her free hand.
As soon as they were inside she pushed him down on the battered couch before locking the door behind her and shutting all the blinds.
She turned on him, hands on her hips. "What the hell is wrong with you!" she demanded.
His eyes met her, still angry and she had the sudden realization that she had never really seen him angry before. Concerned, anxious, worried, but never angry.
"You were unarmed!" he ground out again.
"Yes. But again, there were twelve other cops right there."
He was on his feet again. "You don't get it, do you? Those twelve other cops are not faster than a bullet! You didn't have your vest on and once again I thought I was going to watch you get shot in front of me!" The last sentence tore from his throat with such force she took an involuntary step back and hit a chair, sitting down heavily.
So that's what this was about.
They had never really talked about that. She had seen him in the hospital, weak and scared and unable and unwilling to deal with him right then and then she had hid for three months. Even when she had showed up at his book signing, they hadn't really talked about the shooting and since then they had tried to ignore it and go back to business as usual. Except things weren't the same and someone had tried to kill her and they had never talked about it.
"I've done everything you asked, Kate." his words were quieter, sadder. "You said to give you time, and I did. I didn't think it would be three months, but I figured, you were alive so who was I to question anything. I should just be grateful for that and shut up. And then you came back and we never talked about it and I said I would wait." his eyes rose to meet hers at that and she knew that he had known exactly what she was talking about when they had sat on those swings. "And I was willing to wait, but tonight..."he trailed off and started pacing again. "Tonight I saw him point that gun at you and I had this flash, of you getting shot again but not being so lucky this time and I thought, what the hell am I waiting for?"
She jerked at his words as if they had physically struck her. Did he mean he was through waiting? That he was going to walk away? A cold sweat spread throughout her body and she could hear the pounding of her blood in her head as her heartbeat sped up. She opened her mouth but nothing came out.
He didn't seem to notice her distress, continuing to work his way around the room. "Did Lanie ever tell you what happened?" he asked. She couldn't do more than mutely shake her head no, not understanding where this was going.
"I didn't get to you in time. I saw the flash of the scope and I knew what it was but I was too slow. You were hit before I got to you. I..." his voice caught and she wanted to touch him, wanted to reassure him that she was here and whole but she couldn't move because she knew this next part, knew what he wasn't reliving. She remembered a clear blue sky and his voice pleading for her to stay with him and telling her what she had known for a long time but was too afraid to acknowledge; that he loved her.
He had obviously chosen to omit that part when he swallowed thickly and continued. "There was so much blood, Kate. It's hot. Did you know that? Hot and thick and there was so damn much of it."
She could feel bile rising in her throat and it took everything in her to force it down.
"Lanie showed up, out of nowhere really. And she was shouting things to me but I couldn't understand and then she grabbed my hand and pushed it down and..." his voice caught again and he wiped a shaking hand across his face. "Then you were somehow in the bus and I was climbing in after you. I didn't think about anything else. Not about your dad, or Alexis, or my mother." this he said unapologetically.
"Even with a police escort it took so long to get to the hospital. You coded." she gasped. No one had ever told her that.
"You, Kate Beckett, were technically dead, heart ceased to beat. I thought my heart had stopped then too. They got you back though and then Lanie kept it going, forced your heart to do what it was supposed to do. And then we were at the hospital and they took you away. I didn't see you again for two days." he had stopped pacing now and was standing facing the closed blinds. "I tried everything. Charming the nurses, making a donation to the hospital, brought in free signed copies, but nothing worked. Josh made sure your dad got to see you but...that was it, he wouldn't let anyone else back." but she heard the unspoken 'Josh wouldn't let me back.'
"I stayed at the hospital the first day even though I couldn't see you. I just needed to be there, be near and know what was happening. When you finally got moved out of ICU and visitation wasn't so controlled I was...I felt like a kid on their first date, I worried about what to wear and what type of flowers to give you, and walking into your room...I didn't even care that he was there, I was just so glad to see you alive and mostly well. And then..." he trailed off, she knew the story now.
But he kept on, and she knew she deserved it. "I never expected to not see you for three months when I walked out your door, if I had I would have never done it. I would have been there Kate, every day, every minute if you had let me. I would have taken you home, taken care of you. Every appointment, every physical therapy session. I would have done it."
She was crying now. She didn't know when she had started.
"And then I heard from the boys that you were in contact with them, with Lanie. I was hurt, I didn't know what I could have possibly done to make you shut me out but I reminded myself that you were alive and that was enough. And then one day I looked up and there you were. Tall and healthy and gorgeous and I was mad it had taken you three months but I was just so damn happy you were alive that it didn't seem to matter than much."
The silence stretched between them and every time she thought of something to say it stuck in her throat.
Finally he turned to her, took in her tears and her stunned expression. "Sorry I lost it in there, but I just couldn't do it again. I couldn't let you bleed out in front of me."
"Did you really mean you were through waiting?" she managed to choke out, eyes dropping to the floor, not realizing how much was riding on his answer and not willing to let him witness her complete unravelling.
His shoes entered her eye line and then he was kneeling in front of her. "Kate, I'm through." and the pain that shot through her chest was worse than a bullet. Her hand unconsciously went up to cover her scar.
"Not the way you think though." he said quickly and reached out to cover her hand and bring it back down to her lap. "I can't wait any more. I know what we talked about, I know you said you need to wait, until we find your mom's killer, but I disagree. I don't think you need to wait. I don't think you want to wait. You're stronger than you know and I'm not willing to risk losing you and losing us as well."
Her head was spinning at his words and every emotion imaginable went through her in quick succession.
"I've had a lot of time to think lately and I've come to the conclusion that 'us' is not all about you and that I have a say in this as well, and I think we will be amazing. I'm all in."
She sat, clutching his hands and letting his words sink in. And she knew he was right. Knew that she had used his infatuation, his devotion, his love for her against him, used them as the last of her walls because he had broken down every other one she had without her even realizing it. She had played dirty and she was ashamed of herself.
She peeked at him through her lashes and saw him waiting. "Castle." she began hesitantly "there's something you need to know." wondering if this would break them, if he would be able to forgive her for this.
"I know." he said, simply, slow grin beginning to creep back to his face
"What do you mean?" heart beating faster, surely there was no way he could know what she meant.
"I know that you heard me, that you remember." she gasped and sat upright, trying to wrench her hands from his but he wouldn't let go.
"How..." she stammered, not understanding how he could possibly not hate her right then.
"It was the only possible reason for why you were avoiding me. You weren't avoiding everyone, you weren't hiding from the world, you were hiding from me." he explained, not at all looking like he hated her.
"I told you, Kate, I'm through waiting. Nothing is worth the risk. Not even your mom's case." he said the last part slowly and carefully and she saw a flicker of fear in his eyes. Did he think she would fight him? Rail against this declaration?
She took a deep breath and shut her eyes tight for a moment before locking her gaze with his. "You're right. It's not worth it."
His grin grew steadily until all traces of his earlier break down had been erased. A hand stole up and cupped the side of her jaw, thumb slowly stroking her cheek. "You're sure?"
Her hand reached up to cover his but she didn't answer him, at least not with words. She leaned in slowly and pressed her lips to his. It was chaste and over all too soon, but it was a promise and an affirmation, 'I'm in' it said.
He was about to say something, or maybe kiss her back when there was a sharp rap on the door. "Yo, Boss. Gates is going to be in soon if you want to clear out." Esposito said and she knew that he and Ryan had probably imagined ten different scenarios for what had been going on in the locked room and she probably didn't want to know what nine of them were.
She cleared her throat before calling out "Thanks, we'll be out in a minute."
He got to his feet and pulled her up after him and into his arms before she could blink. "I never got to hug you, after the hospital." he mumbled into her hair, the warm breath making her shiver. Slowly she returned the hug and allowed herself a moment to bury her head into his shoulder. "I guess I owe you then." she replied with a smile.
They walked out of the break room lighter and if Esposito or Ryan noticed that they were holding hands and grinning like idiots they wisely kept it to themselves.