CLOUD ATLAS: AN ABRIDGED SCRIPT

FADE IN:
1830's: A PRIMITIVE SOUT PACIFIC PLACE

JIM STURGESS
(stumbles through wilderness)
"Methinks this heat is fierce!"

HUGH GRANT
"That is because you are an enlightened white man. The natives don't feel anything."

JIM STURGESS
"Now that you have established your character as a racist bigot, pray tell, do you hear humming?"

HUGH GRANT
"Oh that? I think it might be a bunch of primitive people doing primitive stuff."

JIM STURGESS
"Look, I get that you are prejudiced. Whoa….they are re- enacting a scene straight out of ROOTS. That poor savage is being whipped to death."

He FAINTS.

INT. SOMEPLACE QUIET

TOM HANKS
"You've fainted, but don't worry. You've got a worm in your brain, but I know just how to cure you. I'll even come along on the ship back to America with you out of the goodness of my heart."

JIM STURGESS
"Truly, your powers of diagnosis border on the miraculous or perhaps my gullibility boarders on the unbelievable. At any rate, this segment needs to be trimmed, so let's jump ahead to the ship setting."

TOM HANKS
"No problem. I will care for you around the clock and not demand pay, for we are true friends, are we not? By the way, I really fancy your waistcoat…."

INT. A SHIP'S BERTH

JIM STURGESS
"What is that noise I hear? Is that you, TOM, come to fondle my buttons?"

DAVID GYASI
"No, it me. Slave you whipped saw. Must help. We connected; we brothers."

JIM STURGESS
"Stay here, and I will fetch you some savory victuals that will taste much superior to this sickly wretch."

DAVID GYASI
"Good white man, tell captain that I sailor, too. Willing to work without pay and be ruthlessly exploited just to escape bad whip-happy master."

JIM STURGESS
"Well, he already thinks that I am an ignorant ass, and he might just be right. But between bouts of ungodly retching, I will put in a good word for you."

Ext. THE SHIP DECK

CAPTAIN BIGOT
"OK, hoist the rigging singlehandedly, while patting your stomach and rubbing your head at the same time."

DAVID GYASI
"Aye, aye, sir!"

CAPTAIN BIGOT
"Even though in the book, I turn a blind eye while my mateys bugger the cabin boy senseless, here I am a more PG-13 type villain. You may stay and serve me, but I still don't like savages."

DAVID GYASI
"JIM, I am in your debt. You saved me life!"

JIM STURGESS
"Aw shucks!"

1930's SCOTLAND

BEN WISHAW narrates a series of letters to his lover, YOUNG JAMES D"ARCY.

BEN WISHAW
"After jumping out the window - flight is so symbolic, isn't it? - in order to avoid falling into the clutches of debtors, I am off to convince a super-cranky JIM BROADBENT to help me get his composer groove back."

INT. A DRAWING ROOM

JIM BROADBENT
"OK, smarty-pants, translate this into music. La-la-la-banana- fana-fo-fa….."

BEN WISHAW
"Sir, you are clearly senile, but somehow I will manage to ingratiate myself with you, and even start composing on my own."

JIM BROADBENT
"For reasons that are never explained, you grow on me, and I encourage you to sleep with my wife."

BEN WISHAW (VOICEOVER)
"Screwing JOCASTA, his wife, helps pass the time, but it's really you I love, YOUNG JAMES D'ARCY. Oh and by the way, I've been reading this great book called THE JOURNEY of ADAM EWING, about a guy on a voyage who's being poisoned by an unscrupulous doctor. Only I only have half of it. Find me the other half if you can."

FADE IN
THE SEVENTIES: AMERICA

INT. AN ELEVATOR

HALLE BERRY
"Thanks for holding the door for me. I'm glad to see chivalry isn't dead."

OLD JAMES D'ARCY
"Don't mention it!"

HALLE BERRY
"We seem to be stuck."

OLD JAMES D'ARCY
"Just as long as you don't spontaneously go into labor, which happens to about 95 percent of women in movie elevators, pregnant or not."

HALLE BERRY
"So much for chivalry. Have we met before? I suddenly feel a super-powerful connection to you."

OLD JAMES D'ARCY
"I doubt it. I'm just a nuclear physicist who grew up in Great Britain."

HALLE BERRY
"A nuclear physicist? Hey, I'm doing a story on this corrupt power plant that's going to malfunction on purpose, just like the real-life Three Mile Island. Can you help me?"

OLD JAMES D'ARCY
"I have a top secret folder of information. Why don't you come to my hotel room and we can discuss it?"

HALLE BERRY
"Sure thing!"

INT. A HOTEL ROOM

OLD JAMES D'ARCY is reading letters from YOUNG BEN WISHAW (yes, that one), when he is SHOT by an unseen assailant.

INT. THE SUPER SECRET LAB

TOM HANKS
"What are you doing wandering around here?"

HALLE BERRY
"I'm looking for the truth. My journalist dad always stood up for what he believed in, and I wouldn't be much of a daughter/journalist myself if I didn't do the same."

TOM HANKS
"Well, I've never met your dad, but I feel a curious connection to you, though I've never seen you before in my life. I think I'll help you."

HALLE BERRY
"There seems to be a lot of that going around these days. Fortunately."

TOM HANKS
"But you must be careful. Even as we speak, generic bad guys are gnashing their teeth and plotting dastardly deeds. Including my death, but I have a feeling I'll be reincarnated."

HALLE BERRY
"I'll be careful."

EXPOSITION KID
"That's what all plucky undercover crusaders say when they're about to do the opposite."

FADE IN

INT. PRESENT DAY LONDON - A BOOK AWARDS PARTY

TOM HANKS
"You're doing a crappy job promoting my book."

JIM BROADBENT
"Now Mr. Whiney McWhinerson, all things in due time. You do know that I'm a vanity publisher, don't you?"

TOM HANKS
"Look, there's that meany critic who panned my book. I think I'll humiliate him."

JIM BROADBENT
"Now, now…don't do any…..Holy shit!"

TOM HANKS throws the critic off the balcony. He dies, and TOM's book sales shoot through the roof.

EXT. A PATIO

JIM BROADBENT
"Please, HUGH, please, I've got to borrow some money, or TOM'S brothers who are demanding money won't be happy."

HUGH GRANT
"OK….plus I know just the place you can hide out."

JIM BROADBENT
"Good, I'll go pack. Plus I'll take the manuscript THE FIRST LUISA REY MYSTERY with me."

FADE IN
FUTURISTIC KOREA

INT. AN INTERVIEW ROOM

INTERVIEWER
"Before we kill you for leading a revolutionary uprising, we'd like to hear your story. That all right with you?"

DOONA BAE
"No problem! Originally, I was created for the sole purpose of being a server at a futuristic fast food restaurant. I was content with my life, until a fellow clone initiated me into a more fascinating cult - that of knowledge. When my friend rebelled and was murdered, I was enlisted by JIM STURGESS to help lead a clone rebellion."

INTERVIEWER
"Let me guess because you refused to be subject to criminal abuse?"

DOONA BAE
"Exactly. So anyway, JIM gave me a bunch of holograms that taught me everything I would have learned had I been a purebred."

INTERVIEWER
"Go on."

DOONA BAE
"What followed was basically your average futuristic movie thriller chase. If you are familiar with movies of that type, I need give no further elaboration. Personally, I prefer screwball comedy, such as "THE GHASTLY ORDEAL of TIMOTHY CAVENDISH."

INTERVIEWER
"Little light bulbs are definitely going on in the audience's head at this point. They are putting all the pieces together and feeling smart - at least those who aren't snoring into their popcorn or have snuck out to see WRECK-IT RALPH."

DOONA BAE
"What we regard as profound thoughts are basically neurons firing in random directions. INTERVIEWER "I cannot get over how brilliant you are. I feel myself slowly starting to believe you're telling the truth."

DOONA BAE
(real line)
"Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths."

INTERVIEWER
"I think I need a break."

FADE IN
EXT. THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE - WAY, WAY IN THE FUTURE

TOM HANKS
"Oh wah tah goo si am!"

CAVE CHILD
"Papa, a Prescient has come to visit us!"

TOM HANKS
"What?"

HALLE BERRY appears in a white jumpsuit.
"Greetings, I have come to learn all about your kin."

TOM HANKS
"You speak our dialect very well."

HALLE BERRY
"I just stuffed mud my mouth full. Tell me your story."

TOM HANKS
"Me simple goatherd, but I suffered. Me tormented by fact I let HUGH GRANT kill my father and enslave me brother in a tribe of cannibals."

HALLE BERRY
"You tough row to hoe - if they have hoes here."

TOM HANKS
"Plus me tormented by HUGO WEAVING who's the bastard of the LUCKY CHARMS leprechaun and the Wicked Witch of the West. Me not so smart, but I think he represents my animal instincts."

HALLE BERRY
"Me much sympathize."

INT. A CAVE

TOM HANKS
"Dying is my child. Can you help, HALLE?"

HALLE BERRY
"I can't wand wave and cure every problem."

TOM HANKS
"What if I offer you to be guide over mountain big and perilous?"

HALLE BERRY
"It's a deal."

EXT. THE CLIFF of GRAVE PERIL

HALLE BERRY is dangling over and slips.

HUGO WEAVING
"TOM, this is perfect chance to kill her. She bad woman, not belong. Me full of prejudice because soul me has not evolved, which is why me stuck in these one-dimensional roles."

TOM HANKS
"My fingers may bleed like pig stuck, but I'm not gonna let go. Take that, HUGO."

HUGO WEAVING
"You may have seen last of me, but HUGH GRANT is still gonna torment you!"

EXT. TOM'S HOME

TOM HANKS
"The cannibals got my family in my absence, except for one dying child. I must avenge myself. Take that, HUGH."

HALLE BERRY
"You have overcome your fears and avenged your family. Very good."

TOM HANKS
"But I had to use my animal instincts to overcome HUGH and his men, which I thought was supposed to be bad. You know, giving in to HUGO'S temptations."

HALLE BERRY
"Don't look too hard for strict logic in this movie, you might hurt yourself. Let's just go blast off in a big spaceship powered by the nuclear generator in the last segment, and our kids will provide exposition."

TOM HANKS
"Sounds good to me."

FADE IN: FUTURISTIC KOREA

INT. THE INTERVIEW ROOM

INTERVIEWER
"There's something still puzzling me. If JIM STURGESS was clever enough to manufacture a bridge out of thin air and spray multiple bullets at the bad guys simultaneously, how in the world did you wind up getting caught?"

DOONA BAE
"Bridges represent connection, which is often compromised when one group of people view another as less-than-human and act accordingly. Such as the way you regard me, although you are trying to disguise it."

INTERVIEWER
"Not only do you appear to have an independent mind, you are capable of reading mine. I am impressed."

DOONA BAE
"On a less metaphorical level, quite a few people in this movie wind up dangling over them. It provides a nice jolt of excitement for the MOVIEGOER who may have drifted off. Whether in movies or in real life, bridges malfunction. The world is an imperfect place."

INTERVIEWER
"True. I see you are familiar with the oeuvre of JOHN HUGHES. Moving on, when did you discover…."

DOONA BAE
"That people of my class never reached enlightenment, we just got murdered and our parts recycled for the soap products fed to us for sustenance?"

INTERVIEWER
"Exactly. So that was the catalyst for your leading the uprising?"

DOONA BAE
"Yes. And now I am ready to die, given that I have inspired those who are still alive and those to come."

INTERVIEWER
"So dying doesn't bother you?"

DOONA BAE
"Not if you believe in the Nietzschean ideal of eternal recurrence."

INTERVIEWER
"OK, now I'm really lost. Thank you for your time. I'll signal the guards to go take you to your death now."

DOONA BAE
"No problem."

FADE IN
PRESENT DAY LONDON

INT. THE NURSING HOME

JIM BROADBENT
"What the bloody hell are you doing going through my stuff!"

HUGO WEAVING
"I'm a nurse. Watch your mouth, or I'll wash it out with soap!"

JIM BROADBENT
(real line)
"I will not be subject to criminal abuse! I'm leaving"

EXPOSITION ELDER
"SOLYENT GREEN is people!"

JIM BROADBENT is caught and restrained.

Int. A LOBBY

JIM BROADBENT
(on phone)
"What the hell? You've stuck me in an old age home with HUGO WEAVING a sadistic nurse in drag! What have I done to deserve this?"

HUGH GRANT
"You slept with my wife. You didn't think I knew?"

JIM BROADBENT
"Oh that. Sorry. Look, you got to get me out of here. I mean, HUGO WEAVING? He's played the bad guy in every story segment so far…"

HUGH GRANT
"Be grateful that his cannibalism is metaphorical and that he isn't impersonating a leprechaun the way he is in the Caveman TOM HANKS segment…You'd become incontinent, and then they'd really have an excuse to keep you imprisoned in the nursing home!"

JIM BROADBENT
"Oh bugger off…."

INT. THE NURSING HOME

JIM BROADBENT
(to cronies)
"So you think we can escape? Count me in."

RALPH RIACH
"Why not? So far, this movie is sorely short on wacky high jinks. We need to remedy that pronto."

JIM BROADBENT
"Maybe we could even bring along two other residents, including a terminally senile one, making it even more wacky when he suddenly comes to his senses and gives a speech that excites an entire bar to brawl and beat up HUGO and the others."

They do just that.

INT. A STUDY FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD

JIM BROADBENT VOICEOVER
"OK, I know this segment was basically the puzzle piece that you find under the radiator that doesn't really make a huge difference in completing the thing, but hey, everything is connected!

FADE IN
BACK TO THE SEVENTIES: AMERICA

EXT. A LONELY ROAD

GENERIC BAD GUY
(smashes into HALLE'S car)
"Let's see if your eerily deadpan expression changes when you are in mortal danger!"

HALLE BERRY
(managing to extract herself)
"The answer to that would be a no."

EXT. ON THE RUN

KEITH DAVID
"You need an ally in this wild goose chase. How about me?"

HALLE BERRY
"Cool. Except I'm pursuing the truth, so it really matters."

KEITH DAVID
"Just trying to inject a bit of realism into this movie. But whatever. Let's hide out in this SWEATSHOP run by DOONA BAE and her yappy dog."

HUGO WEAVING
(arrives a few minutes later)
"Where are they hiding, you wetback?"

DOONA BAE babbles incoherently.

HUGO WEAVING
"Why don't I just kill your dog, in case any of the audience is mentally challenged or in a coma and hasn't grasped that I'm the bad guy."

He does. Which causes DOONA to ambush him a few minutes later at a key moment when it looks like HALLE and KEITH might be toast.

INT. SOMEPLACE (SORTA) SAFE

ZHU ZHU
(real line)
"My uncle was a scientist, but he believed in love."

HALLE BERRY
"I don't get why the two should cancel each other out."

ZHU ZHU
"You know - science is bad - at least in this movie, because it represents progress without a heart or soul. Or something. Whereas art - like the film's score - is good because it represents the best humanity has to offer."

HALLE BERRY
"Right now, the audience is trying to guess if you're TOM, BEN or one of the JIMS in disguise."

ZHU ZHU
"I'm an actual female, but CGI is a wonderful invention isn't it?"

HALLE BERRY
"Indeed. By the way, the EXPOSITION KID will have great material when he writes his first DETECTIVE NOVEL."

FADE IN
BACK TO THE 1930"S

INT. BEN WISHAW'S BEDCHAMBER

JIM BROADBENT
"I had a vision, and it certainly couldn't wait to be transcribed into music until tomorrow. It's a café full of lollipop-shaped waitresses that all eerily resemble DOONA BRAE. In fact, you're one of them, reincarnated! How's that for wacky?"

BEN WISHAW
(begins playing)
"You certainly make a strong case for why we should just say no."

JIM BROADBENT
"Whoa, that's incredible; that's exactly what I was envisioning in my….visions!"

BEN WISHAW
"Uh uh, this is MY work. You can't have it!"

JIM BROADBENT
"You ingrate! I let you live here, I let you screw my wife….even though I still think you're a pouf…"

BEN WISHAW
"Well, insults and insinuations about my sexuality are okay, but PLAGIARISM is where I draw the line."

INT: A RATTY HOTEL ROOM

BEN WISHAW (VOICEOVER)
"Dear YOUNG JAMES DARCY, By the time you read this, I will be dead. I got in an argument with JIM BROADBENT about leaving after he tried to steal my work, and he made insinuations about my sexuality so I shot him in the stomach. I didn't really want to, but he triple dog dared me, and anyway….I know we are going to be reunited because well, that's the bloody THEME of this film. PS, Don't worry, you'll be playing a much bigger role in the next segment. B.W."

FADE IN:
BACK TO 1830's: SOUTH PACIFIC

Int. JIM'S BERTH of WRETCHEDNESS

JIM STURGESS
(moans and groans)
"Methinks, I am on my last leg. TOM, you've already sliced off my wedding band, so I might as well give you the rest of my earthly possessions….."

TOM HANKS
"Nay, just lie back and let me administer you this most calmative draught…What is that god awful pounding?"

DAVID GYASI
"You're poisoning JIM just to get his gold."

TOM HANKS
"Get the hell out of here."

They tussle. HANKS, who is paunchy, manages to eject GYASI who is in prime physical condition.

JIM STURGESS
"This medicine befouls my tongue greatly."

TOM HANKS
"It goes down better with some fine wine. Maybe you have something like that in your trunk…..Next to the gold perhaps?"

DAVID GYASI
(bursts in again)
"You won't get rid of me so fast! Your goose is cooked!"

He KILLS TOM.

DAVID GYASI
"Debt repaid, right?"

JIM STURGESS
"Never again will I judge a man solely by the color of his skin!"

INT. THE HOUSE of IN-LAW PREJUDICE

JIM STURGESS
"I'm going to work with the Abolitionists. And I'm taking my mute but stunning wife with me."

HUGO WEAVING
"You're an idiot who'll never amount to anything. You're just a drop in the ocean."

JIM STURGESS
(real line)
"But what is an ocean but a multitude of drops?"

HUGO WEAVING
"That's your best comeback?"

JIM STURGESS
"Hey, at least my character EVOLVED."

HUGO WEAVING
"Touché."

END