Two and a Half Shinigami

The following takes place two years or so after the defeat of Aizen at the hands of Ichigo Kurosaki. After this, Ichigo was the talking point of Seireitei. It seemed that everyone knew about him and what he had accomplished. He was the undoubted hero of Soul Society.

So much had happened in the last 3 years; conspiracy, mass murder, treason; it seemed that the governing body of Seireitei was collapsing in on itself.

But that time was over now, shinigami alike took this time of momentary peace to return home, and spend time with their families. This was also the perfect time for shinigami to talk and fuss over unimportant matters, or to pursue relationships…

Chapter 1: A Thoughtful Mistake

"Oh my god", Rukia started. "Are you serious?"

Renji looked up curiously from his paper at what seemed to be Rukia summoning demonic flames around her.

"Hey, are you even listening to me?" she shouted.

"U-uh, yeah…" Renji replied feebly.

"Then what did I say before, baka!" she now yelled, intruding Renji's personal space while raising her eyebrow directly at him.

"U-uh, you said something like… 'Oh my god, are you serious?" Renji laughed and nudged Rukia at his own very girlish impersonation of her, but that brief moment of sarcasm ended when his eyes met with her deadly cold gaze.

"No, before that! And I hope to god you don't make me repeat it!" she barked, now scrunching the morning paper still attached to Renji's hands.

When Rukia was pissed off she was on top of the world. She was naturally a kind, caring, nice person but it was only just a sugarless tea away for her personality to take a total shift these days. This alternate personality of hers could best be compared to a grizzly bear with a bear trap clenched to its butt. Renji knew that he had to say something to avoid another near death experience. If people pondered on what he meant by "another" he'd just say "You'd have to be there".

"You had said something, my dear?" Renji recovered, propping up his scrunched paper like it was still readable. He wasn't sure why he had incorporated another impersonation, this time of Sasakibe Chojiro; the first lieutenant.

There was a momentary silence.

Uh-oh, shit, I'm going to get it now.

Renji crawled up in his chair, hands covering his face in defence; only to feel or hear nothing as seconds passed. He looked back at the now smiling Rukia, releasing his pose slowly but cautiously.

"Renji", she spoke calmly, ignoring Renji's brief display of stupidity. "Do you remember what day it is today?"

"Uuh…"

Crap there's a special kind of day today? It has to be something important … or maybe not since she's been like this lately. Crap, crap, gotta think quickly.

"is… is it Happy Day?" answered Renji as he then smiled.

There was a huge crashing sound heard in one of Soul Society's many residential areas. Of the crash it seemed that a red haired Shinigami, probably with some kind of elevated rank was being thrown out of his house with a very aggravated women; throwing furniture and belongings at him profusely.

"HAPPY DAY, huh!" Rukia yelled out catching the ear of everyone in the neighbourhood. "You forget the most important day of our lives and your best excuse is "HAPPY DAY"!

"Honey…" Renji eased, but being interrupted.

"I don't ever want to see you again! Your lazy, you never help or do anything around the house-"

"But it is my house" Renji stated reflexively.

"Yeah your house that I have been cleaning for almost a year now, oh wait, EXACTLY A YEAR NOW. Go away Renji, I don't EVER want to see you again!" she wailed, running into their bedroom now sobbing. Also, insight of the neighbours, as half of Renji's house's wall was now smashed open.

Renji sighed inwardly. Damn it! How could I have forgotten. Our anniversary.

She slammed the door closed, and the crowd that had started to assemble, turned their attention on Renji. Tch.

"Honey…" Renji eased again, stepping over his destroyed wall into a now trashed kitchen.

"GO AWAY!" roared Rukia. The crowd and Renji both flinched, jumping back slightly at the might of her roar.

Renji stopped and sighed. He sat down on the only chair that was standing up, noticing the bunch of people still looking at him.

"What?" he yelled, pointing a fist at them. The people retreated scornfully, leaving Renji to reflect on his own stupidity.

…This is bad. Our first anniversary… ending like this. If I had remembered I would have bought her a gift while she was out… Out of all the anniversaries I could have forgotten in the future, it had to be the first one. It's hard to say if there even is a future.

In thought, Renji then yawned violently and suddenly realised another problem at hand.

Where am I going to sleep?.. Rukia is held up in my bedroom, and I doubt she would let me in. Crap, problem after problem…

He stood up fixing his kitchen up a bit until he heard a troubled Rukia.

"Renji," she pleaded. "Please leave me alone." Renji just listened in, not completely sure what to do.

"If you're not going to take our marriage seriously, how are we supposed to have a meaningful marriage that would last centuries?" Renji thought about this for a while, thinking of replying but his guilt overshadowing it.

"Like when was the last time you did something romantic for me?" she asked. Renji searched his mind for an applicable time he was romantic, but to no avail. She was right on the money.

"Yeah, I see your point" Renji replied contemplatively. There was another silence, this time a lot longer than usual but not awkward for him, like the calm after a storm.

"You know what…" Renji continued, reaching for a conclusion. "You rest easy Rukia, I'll sleep somewhere else for tonight. And in that time… I will try and become a better husband." Rukia snickered at this but other than that made no attempt to intervene.

"I promise, I'll… eh, figure out what's distancing us… or what's wrong with me... in the meantime just sleep and relax. I'll be back, when I find an answer… I promise…?" Renji announced, a confused look on his face. W-What did I just say?

He shook his head and then grinned, asserting, "Anyway, I'll leave ya to it", later realising how stupid he must have looked grinning at a door.

Renji disdainfully left his house, walking out the ever-convenient destroyed wall onto the swirl-patterned stone pavement outside, littered with his stuff. He didn't bother picking it up since most of it was broken anyway.

…Great, now where am I going to sleep?

As he left, Rukia, sitting and leaning on against door heard the grunt of Renji's grin. She smiled at the fact that he would have looked stupid grinning at the wall, and even though his conclusion sounded lame she accepted it. "It was Renji after all" she murmured.

Two and a half years ago in the Human World…

The blades aura and surroundings started to darken dramatically as he finally figured out the reason for all the fighting. He held the power that shut and severed everything in its path. Objects or life, the blade severed the bond it had with reality, its own existence and shut it completely like an eternal eclipse. A truly horrific power capable of overwhelming even the strongest shinigami in an instant. All let out in a single devastating blow. Of course, great power like that has to have great consequences as the wielder, forever, would lose that very power.

- - - - - "w…wakin…"

"Get Ch… nd Ury"

Where am I?

"O… Ichi…"

Inoue?

"Hah… so he... cided to… nally get up"

Get up?

"Mayb… e's just being lazy"

Dad?

"Oh Chad's here… give him a little nudge, he might recuperate faster hehe, oh and don't worry about hurting him, my boy's more hard-headed than he looks"

I can fully hear their voices n-N-UUUOUGHH.

Chad elbowed directly into Ichigo's abdomen causing the bed he was laying on to literally snap in half. The stands supporting the bed buckled and shot out in multiple directions, one of those painfully hitting Ichigo's dad in the shin.

"Ah, you piece of shit Ichigo!" Isshin Kurosaki barked, as if it had been his son's fault.

"Are you fucking insane!" Ichigo yelled, being broken out of his lull violently.

"…Sorry" replied Chad in his usual courteous tone, possibly withholding a grin. Isshin, his dad, grabbed Ichigo by the collar before he could speak any further.

"Listen here son, I won't repeat this…" Ichigo's temper faintly dropped as he looked at his father.

His memory of all that had happened was a little bit hazy. To him it felt like a dream, but deep down inside he knew it wasn't. It was all real. All he had done. He was a hero, but didn't think of himself as one. The feeling was truly bizarre. He remembered seeing his father in the battle but he still had trouble reconstructing it.

"Y-yeah…" Ichigo replied in thought, keen to listen to what his father had to say. His father made a grunt as he connected his fist to his son's chin, launching him into the wall behind his bed, mere inches away from the window. It was a glorious uppercut.

"Jesus Christ… is that what you wanted to say!" yelled Ichigo limping out of the crevasse now embedded in his wall. Before he had time to say another word or react for that matter, his father jumped in, elbow high up in the air as he slammed it down on the back of Ichigo's head, resulting in a devastating faceplant through the floorboards below.

"No, I wanted to say "how come you've gotten so weak Ichigo"! Also, how dare you make us worry about you! Do you even know how long you've been asleep for, stupid kid!" yelled Isshin now laughing. He truly was a great father.

"…Uh, don't you think that's a bit too much dad?" Yuzu popped her head in the room worriedly with Uryuu and Karin beside her. Already Orihime Inoue, Yasutora Chad and her father were in the room with a very vulnerable looking Ichigo on the ground trying to get his stuck head out of the floorboards. "He did just get up..."

"Don't worry sweety, that's nothing for our hero Ichigo" assured Isshin giving a 'thumbs up' to Yuzu and the others.

"Pfft, you could have knocked him unconscious again." Karin remarked, unpleased with her father's antics as she walked in with a tray of food.

"Well… Ichigo's dad behaves rather like a wild animal." commented Ishida with his ever so familiar tone of sarcasm. "I guess they truly are related after all." Chad nodded.

Isshin ignored this comment; probably because he was too busy showboating his muscles to his two daughters and a very horrified looking Inoue.

Ichigo then managed to get his head out of the floor, his expression nearly as bright as his hair.

"You!" Ichigo growled menacingly, as he kicked his father in the back of his head, knocking him onto the floor. Everyone in the room startled, especially Inoue who covered her mouth with her hands. Ichigo was burning brightly with rage.

"Why do you seriously keep up that 'I'm a goofy uncool father that keeps beating his son up' act, you lousy bastard! I know you're really serious in the inside!" yelled Ichigo, now regaining his composure. Isshin jumped back on to his feet like very much like a monkey, sizing his one and only son up.

"Hmm," he mumbled, scratching the stubble underneath his chin. "It seems you've grown up quite a bit... fine son. I'll drop the act... and now I'll become a reasonable and much, much more mature father to you" announced Isshin, dusting himself from Ichigo's attack.

He then grabbed Ichigo's shoulder with his huge left hand and eyed him in a proud manner, which only a father and son could describe.

"RIGHT after this-" Isshin launched himself at Ichigo with a flying kick, who just pushed his father aside setting his collision course for the glass window. He would have to pay for his son's broken window for the 3rd time.

"ICHII-*thud*…"

"Anyway, so what have I missed guys?" asked Ichigo, scratching the back of his head.

"Oh nothing much," replied Uryuu sarcastically. "Just almost half of your school semester. Well we barely passed the second term because of all that "hollow stuff" and you just spent more than half of the new semester sleeping, while we were out trying to regain our school's favour and grades." Uryuu continued. "I'd say you have a lot of catching up to do if you were to pass this year Ichigo."

"Pessimistic as always, Ishida" Ichigo remarked with a half grin.

"No, I'm just simply saying you can-"

"Whatever, so Chad how's that arm?" interrupted Ichigo, with a fairly weak withdrawal.

"Good." replied Chad, Uryuu looking more irritated than ever.

"If you were going to be so rude, why did I even bother coming here?" he stated, relinquishing his anger and propping his glasses up in a way that made the lens reflect light. How he managed to find a light source for it, every time he did it was nothing short of astonishing.

"Lighten up, Ishida" said Ichigo. "I'm just glad to see all of you". He smiled at Yuzu and Karin, whom smiled back almost urgently. He's eyes wondered around the room before locking on to Inoue's.

She was staring frantically at Ichigo, as if she had been holding in something to say all this time. Buds of water started to form at the corners of her big, pearly eyes.

"You've been fairly quiet, Inoue-chan" greeted Ichigo as he smiled, in hopes of relieving an obviously distressed Orihime Inoue.

"Y-You…" started Inoue as she was now sobbing uncontrollably.

"Inoue…" Yuzu eased as everyone just stood there, consoling looks on their faces.

"You never make me worry like that again!" yelled Inoue while slapping Ichigo, to the astonishment of the others. She then proceeded to hugging him. Ichigo confused, decided to just ease and accept the hug.

Presently in Soul Society…

"What do you mean I can't stay here?" asked Renji, annoyed at Izuru Kira who ultimately was the last person he could turn to.

"I'm sorry, but I have company nowadays, and besides she wouldn't like it if I invited others to stay over here". Kira courteously replied.

"Whatever, thanks anyway" Renji remarked, making a slight whip sound as he left. Kira hearing this knew the terminology and eyed the back of Renji's head spitefully before sliding his door shut.

Tch… I swear, I thought he was abit… y'know, but damn now even he has a girlfriend. Anyway, back to the problem at hand, not one person has a place for me to stay.

I can't stay at the barracks because they are redesigning the damn place. I can't stay at Ikkaku's because from what I've heard, that guy can be very violent when he's asleep or sleepwalking for that matter. Everyone else seems to be away, not so sure about the girl's, but damn, I'm pretty sure staying over at their houses would just unsettle things more between us…

Renji was still figuring out where he would sleep for that night, but found it much more difficult than he'd first anticipate it.

Well… I guess there is no other choice but "him". Renji's expression darkened.

He finally made it to his destination, in front of him were two guards who simply nodded and let Renji through. A pristine garden, with beautiful and exotic flowers, encircled by a lively luscious stream of water and perfect grass patches, enticing you to just lay down on the grass and forget about everything were in his wake.

It had pretty much everything the most beautiful garden in Soul Society would have.

Even though it was really late in the night and Renji could hardly see a thing, he followed the stone cobbled pathway and made it around the huge garden which encompassed the massive estate, with relative ease. He passed two residents who bowed politely at him.

"Have you seen Byakuya-taicho" Renji conversed while bowing in return.

"Byakuya-sama?" the man to the left replied. "Since it's this late, I would say he is in his room sleeping" Common sense Renji…

"Okay, thank you." Renji made his way towards Byakuya's room with haste.

He could feel that he was getting weaker, knowing he needed the rest badly. Tomorrow were the upcoming Lieutenant Power Surveys. The Lieutenant Power Surveys were; as the name suggests, surveys carried out by the lieutenants of Soul Society, ultimately, a drill more than anything else.

This was his chance to show his superiors how much he had improved in the past recent years.

Once Renji got to the door to Byakuya's bedroom he straightened himself, and then thought if it were right to disturb Byakuya's sleep just for the sake of his own. He was put in a really uncomfortable position which was set deeper, hearing slight giggling coming from inside Byakuya's room.

"What the…" Renji murmured.

He either sounds like a girl at night or he's got company.

Renji thought about this for a while.

Nah, what the hell am I thinking, this is Byakuya we're talking about.

"Nii-sama?" Renji said knocking on the sliding door's wooden frame.

He heard slight rustling, though it was hard to tell and then complete silence.

"Anyway, if you're listening, it's me your step-brother and lieutenant Abarai Renji, something… complicated turned up between me and Rukia and now I'm left with nowhere else to sleep…" Renji spoke, unsure if he was talking to anyone.

He thought he heard more rustling about, but dismissed it, as it could just have easily been the creaks of the old mansion or the overextending tree branches scraping against tiled roofs. Amazingly, a few delayed seconds later the door opened.

"Yes, Abarai?" asked Byakuya with a clearly pissed off expression on his face. Byakuya's night outfit was subtle in a way that you wouldn't notice it or remember it for that matter. Over his shoulder though was pitch black, Byakuya seemingly drawing all the natural light.

Renji repeated what he asked earlier to Byakuya but in a more constructed manner.

Byakuya thought about this for a while until finally answering with a solid…

"No."

"Why not?" asked Renji perplexed.

Byakuya now looking completely stung closed his eyes and stated,

"You have the audacity to come into my house uninvited, wake me up in the middle of the night ruining the very little sleep I had for the sake of your own AND after giving you a straight answer you continue to pester me."

"PLEEEAASE," Renji begged, now on his knees. "I've tried everywhere else, please, this is the only place left for me to sleep without having to sleep outside on the cold, hard pavement! A lieutenant shouldn't be sleeping on the ground… in the middle of nowhere!"

"No."

"What!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"Fine."

"Really!"

"Of course not, baka!"

"Grrrr… some kind of brother you are!" Renji replied, slightly surprised at Byakuya's sudden spike of anger when saying "baka".

Byakuya turned around and closed his eyes. A signature move of his.

"Why can't you settle things with my sister?"

"Hehe, well it's a little bit more complicated than that" Renji said scratching the back of his head.

He then proceeded to tell him exactly what had happened, hoping his elder brother would show an elusively rare compassionate side.

Byakuya truly cared a lot for his sister, so much in fact that he held a thin invisible wall between himself and his step-brother, probably because selfishly he thought she could do better. There was also the Captain/Lieutenant clause which hindered them from speaking like equals.

After being beat by Ichigo Kurosaki at the eve of Rukia's execution though, Byakuya had changed, slightly, and now prioritized Rukia's feelings. The man in front of him was fairly enough; a foundation to that happiness. After hearing the end of Renji's story, Byakuya nodded slightly.

"I guess it can't be helped" he finally answered. "You are stupid enough to forget your first anniversary."

He then opened his eyes and faced Renji. "You are lucky you have my sister as your spouse, if it were anyone else I doubt your relationship would recover quickly. She will forgive you by tomorrow morning" he asserted.

Renji just gaped in gratitude. Byakuya's compassionate side had struck Renji very much like the metaphorical lightning bolt.

"The guest bedroom is down the hall to your left, fifth door to the right. Now leave, the very sight of you in this manner afflicts my pride" snorted Byakuya as he went back to his room slamming the door shut.

Even if Byakuya was the biggest smug asshole Renji had ever met, it was better to be under his roof than under none at all.

"Thank you, nii-sama!" Renji bowed slightly in acknowledgement and proceeded towards his room. He couldn't help but hear more giggles coming from Byakuya's room but once again dismissed it, thinking his mind was playing tricks on him through the exhaustion.

Renji after sliding open the wrong door, finally arrived at what seemed to be the guest bedroom of the mansion, and laid down on his bed stomach-first and instantaneously slept on the spot.

A/N: The relevance to this story when compared to the show "Two and a Half Men" is probably minor. The title me and my brother thought up, conjured the thought of a plot and my enthusiasm to write the story. So in essence, the show is merely and inspiration to this Bleach fanfic. But, there are indeed slight resemblances to the show, possibly the humour as well, you'll just have to look out for them!

Thanks for reading.

AND REVIEW!

Also thanks to Xen Kenshin for your reviews before I reposted the story, hope you tune in sometime, of course after I tune in.

-CrayonCalendar, OUT!