A/N: I wrote this instead of studying for my Vergil midterm. I'm just going to count it as studying because I'm exploring the character Venus. Thoroughly. With my fingers.
If you hadn't figured out, this is rated T because nothing explicit happens, but since it's Venus there's still a lot of sexual humor, making it a strong T.
It was inspired by wonderful lines like "oscula libavit natae" and "pedes vestis defluxit ad imos." The commentary of my text claims that that second one means Venus' clothes got longer, reaching all the way down to her feet. When I read it, all I could think was that she'd just stripped in front of her son.
Anchises wasn't there when Aeneas was born.
He discovered he was a father one morning, roughly nine months after a lovely Phrygian princess absconded with him, because he woke up in his bed in Dardanus and found a drop dead gorgeous, entirely nude, woman lying next to him and holding a baby.
Seeing that he was awake, heavenly Venus sat up and shoved the sleeping child into his arms. "Watch this for a while, will you? I'm going to Sparta because Jupiter's got it into his head he can seduce Leda as a swan. Swans are wonderful, I would know, but I think he's going to need some help with that one and I can't handle Aeneas and take care of dad at the same time. Toodles."
And then the sexiest thing Anchises had ever seen was gone and all he had to remember her by was a hard dick and a rapidly waking, soon to be screaming, bundle of baby.
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The first time Caieta finds a naked woman, long hair flowing free, leaning over the cradle, poking at the baby, the poor wet nurse screams for Anchises and then faints. Anchises comes running in, sword drawn. Mother Venus looks up and leers. "Well, it looks like you're happy to see me."
Face reddening, Anchises splutters incoherently and looks from Venus to his sword and then back at Venus.
The grin spreading across the face of lovely Venus is predatory. "Sappho desperately needs me to help with her little revenge plot on Lesbos, but I think I could be persuaded to tarry a while." She advances and Anchises' mind is too busy cartwheeling and he can't form words or ask something sensible, like, 'Who are you?' But great Venus knows the hearts of men, even when they themselves are lost, and she answers, "I am Venus, victorious and universal, the Cyprian born of the sea foam, to whom they sing praise in Paphos." She paused and looked at her man. "Oh, and speaking of revenge, if you mention you banged Venus to anyone, I'll have dad smite you." She pushes aside his steel sword and clasps his shoulders. "Because if you recall, I'm always on top."
Golden Venus has only just begun to weave her spell when a groan interrupts. The goddess looks down at the wet nurse, only now reviving. Venus considers her for a moment and then nods, commanding, "Hurry up and get over here."
The baby Aeneas wakes up cold and alone and is quite cross.
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Aeneas, just old enough to walk, is standing next to his father when the lighting strikes.
The feast devolves into chaos and the boy is forgotten as the crowd rushes every which way like a line of soldiers broken by a cavalry charge when the flanks have collapsed and the one regiment is all that remains.
A woman appears next to Aeneas and lifts the crying boy up to her bosom. "This is why you don't defy us," she says to him. "Your father knew better. You won't disappoint me, will you?"
Pious Aeneas shakes his head vigorously. He's terrified and he wants Caieta to cradle him, not this stranger.
Venus stares at Anchises and shakes her head. "So sad. He was great in bed." Finally, she looks down at the toddler. "I hope you grow up to be like him."
Mother Venus is busy examining her child for defects when Caieta arrives and snatches the boy away from her. Venus just smiles. "It's a shame about Anchises, but at least you're still here."
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By the time Aeneas is old enough to understand that Venus is his mother and Eriopis is his father's wife, he has become accustomed to the goddess barging into his life at the worst possible moments.
He's out on a hill, sitting with a girl from the village, both of them wreathed in daisy chains, about to have his first kiss -
"Oh, don't stop on my account," says celestial Venus. She's next to them, lying on her stomach, head propped up on one hand, feet waving idly back and forth in the air.
The village girl screams and flees.
"Mother!" Aeneas exclaims. "What are you doing here!"
Mother Venus scoffs. "You expect the goddess of love to miss her son's first kiss? I've been waiting so long for it – eight years! You know, I had my first kiss when-"
"Yes!" Aeneas blurts out. "And we can't all be born fully formed out of sea shells in a froth of bloody foam from our grandfather's severed testicles!"
Heavenly Venus is displeased. "Watch your tone, young man, or you'll end up like your father." She pauses. "Now come give your mother a hug to make up for it."
Pious Aeneas does as he's told.
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When Aeneas does finally have his first kiss, Venus is there, concealed behind a bit of shrubbery. They don't notice her until after their quick peck.
Unlike the last girl, Creusa is more confused than scared. "What is that woman doing hiding behind the bush?" she asks. "She's naked. Should we go get her clothes?"
Venus steps out from behind her bush. "I am Cytherea, daughter of Jupiter, king of gods and men, and Dione. I am also Aeneas' mother." With this, she pats her son on the head. "And as such, I take a great interest in his love life. Now, that wasn't bad for a first kiss, but if you really want to please a man like my son, you're going to need practice and a good teacher. Luckily I can help!"
Aeneas is speechless with embarrassment.
Creusa just goes with it.
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Aeneas is a natural hero, but Troy is full of heroes.
Mother Venus finds her son standing at the edge of the yard, watching the other boys wistfully. "Don't bother with them," she says. "Find an older man who can actually do things for you."
"What?" Aeneas asks, unsure what his mother is talking about.
"What?" Venus asks, unsure because there was absolutely nothing confusing about what she'd just said. Nope, not at all.
"I just wanted to play ball with them, but they won't let me because I'm not from the city," Aeneas says.
"Hm," says loving Venus. "Well, whenever I want to play with balls, I just rock my hips back and forth as I walk up to him and then I lean toward him, brushing up against him, and I catch his eyes with mine, and then I taste his lips and the rest just takes care of itself." She scans the yard. "Why don't you go try on that boy there?"
Skeptical, Aeneas hesitates.
Venus gives him a playful shove. "Don't worry, I've got your back!"
So Aeneas walks up to Hector and things don't go quite as badly as he'd feared.
Which is not to say that they went well.
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Aeneas is on his way to his first hunt when he finds his mother sitting on the steps of her temple and weeping. "Mother, what's wrong?" he asks.
Golden Venus can hardly speak between great heaving sobs. "Adonis… oh sweet Adonis…"
Aeneas embraces his mother, though her skin is slick with blood. "Adonis?" he asks.
Venus contains her sobs enough to reply. "Oh I loved him, I loved him so."
"What happened?" Aeneas asks.
"That virgin bitch Artemis and hateful Ares too, they sent a boar and –" she interrupts herself once again with sobbing.
"You'll feel better soon," Aeneas replies.
"Really?" says Venus. She looks at her son. "Will you be my Adonis?"
"No," Aeneas says curtly. "But I will go kill a boar for you."
He does just that and loudly dedicates his first felled boar to celestial Venus.
Of course, he then runs home and burns much incense to Artemis and Ares because he's learned lessons from his parents and piety is a characteristic essential to survival.
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Marriage is a big deal. Aeneas knows this, and so does Venus. She makes a point out of being present every time a potential bride is presented to him.
Aeneas has just greeted one when his mother shows up at his side. "No, no, not her!" Venus exclaims. "She's terrible in the sack. Trust me."
The hall goes very, very quiet. Everyone except Venus hastily finds an excuse to leave.
The next poor girl has it even worse.
"You can't marry her," Venus interjects in the middle of the welcoming banquet. "She's a slut, sleeps with everyone."
You could hear a pin drop a mile away.
Aeneas rounds on his mother. "You're one to talk!" he practically screams.
Golden Venus laughs dismissively. "I'm a goddess. I'm not diseased."
The girl runs out crying, her family not far behind.
The last potential bride is Creusa. Venus smiles when she sees the young woman. "I remember you, you're fun!" crows the happy mother. "Let's go have some girl time while the men sort out this marriage business."
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Venus goes parading next to the chariot on the wedding night and no one says anything because at this point the Dardans are almost as used to her surprise visits as Aeneas is.
Aeneas tries to eject his mother from his bridal chamber, but Creusa recognizes a losing battle when she sees one and compromises until Venus agrees to get out of their bed.
Venus assents and, after a very entertaining night, she flies away to attend to her other duties, like helping Jupiter convince maidens bestiality was something they should totally give a try and training temple prostitutes. She would occasionally check in on Aeneas after that, but knowing he was in Creusa's loving hands, she didn't feel the need to.
And so, pious Aeneas lived happily ever after. Until that whole Troy thing. But that is a tale for another day.
A/N: So yeah. Imma go study for that midterm now. Drop a review if you read this.
No really. Even reviews complaining about how I called her Cyprian but also Cytherea and referenced her being foam born but also the child of Zeus and Dione and that's impossible because you should choose one myth or the other not both at the same time.
Because then I know that there are fellow classicists out there reading fanfic who care about the details.