Jealousy from a far
C.D.J.B
I never thought it would hurt like this, jealousy. But then again, jealousy is a strange thing, is it not? I mean, it can drive you far, break your soul, splitting it till you're surprised you can even breath anymore, well that's how I felt as I watched from the tower, I watched her and potter. What was she doing? She didn't ever do that before, she wasn't supposed to do that, she was supposed to hate him; we were supposed to hate him together, like it had been since day one. That wasn't supposed to change, was it? I know I did her wrong, but I didn't mean to…it just happened. But I'd be an idiot of I said I blamed her for walking out. She deserved so much better the greasy seventeen year old Severus snape…and I wanted her to be happy, but I didn't think the cost would burn this much.
I wanted to go down there, hug her, hold her close like I used to when we were children and she fought with her sister, and I wanted so desperatly to just tell her I was sorry, sorry for everything. I was sorry for not being there for her completely and fully, like I wanted to be, like I should have been, I wanted to tell her she belonged with me, that I may not be James Potter, but I loved her more then anything in this world, she was the only thing I could see in my dreams, which were decreasing more and more with the rising of the dark lord, but she was aways on my mind, I wanted to tell her that I'll do anything to protect her. I wanted to tell her I was still her bestfriend, but I wanted more. I wanted to tell her that I want her to be my wife someday, that I wanted us to have a family, a son or a daughter with her beautiful eyes, I wanted to tell her I loved her. I wanted to tell her she was my everything, but she was also everything I never deserved. I wanted to take her away from James Potter, who was now holding her in his arms, loving affections clear as the finest crystals in his eyes. He loved her, she loved him. Like I loved her, like I wanted her to love me, which couldn't have ever happened. I wasn't good enough for Lily Evans. But neither was James Potter. I had been there, standing beside her as she and Potter had their little face offs, well, actually as Lily yelled and Potter stood looking like a love sick puppy dog, with his tail between his legs. So how could I have known then, when I was her best friend and she mine, that I would end up here standing on the tower watching them as if I was in some sappy love story, it just wasn't my love story, and it broke my heart. Because being the door mat in someone else's love story, the person your madly in love with's love story, well, that's enough to drive you mad.
Hogwarts was ending soon, and soon we'd be going separate ways, and I didn't think I'd ever see her again. Maybe it was for the best though, I had chosen my path, for the worst of me, and she had chosen James Potter. They're already engaged, can you believe that? Three weeks till schools done, till we graduate and they're already engaged to be married. I didn't know what was worse, being invited or not being invited. If I was invited, it would mean she still thought of me maybe, even though she would know I wouldn't take one step inside of the church holding the worst day of my life, and the best day of hers, but if I was and I did go to the wedding, it would rip my soul. And then if I wasn't invited, it could mean she's really erased me from her life, her mind, and that would hurt to. It's a choice of two evils. But then again, my whole life has turned into one big old choice I wish I never had to make. But I did make it, you see, and now I am stuck with the consequences of my actions, of my choices.
I am Severus snape, I have lied. I have deceived, I had stolen and I have grieved. I seem to brood a lot, I was a son, I was a student, I am I wizard, and I am sometimes even cruel, I don't know where I am going to be in twenty years even , and I am a heart broken man. The only thing I know for sure about the future is that I will be grieving in the pools of regret I have made myself, and I will be thinking of her every day through every year.
Like I said, I am a liar, but the one person I have never lied to was Lily Evans, and then one thing I've never lied about was this, I am Severus Snape and I will always be in love with Lily Evans.
NOW REVIEW= ) pleaase.
A.N.. PLEASE READ. AND REVIEW.
Hey guys, I hope you liked it = ) I haven't written on here in a while, busy with school and writing my own stuff, friends, but this is a new year's gift to anyone who reads it, today is the first day of 2010 , and I hope you all have a great new year, and hope all your resolutions come true. Now please, please give me a new year's gift in return and REVIEW. = )
Love,
Twilight Always
C.D.J.B