Scars
BASED ON TRUE EXPERIENCES.
Yes, okay. Think of this fic as an explanation, as well as an apology, for everyone, since I haven't been updating lately. In fact, my activity here in FF.N has taken quite a BIG dip here, in case you haven't noticed.
I'm telling you now, that this fic is based on something that really did happen to me. I'm not saying that this is a sob story, but it's not bull either.
I'm not looking for sympathy, if that's what you're asking. I'm just here to tell you the reasons why everything got away from me all of a sudden.
I don't own Inazuma Eleven, or its characters. So don't sue me.
It was dark...it was so dark...
The only color in this darkness...was my paleness...and the gleam of a blade in my hand...
Slowly, I lifted that blade...and saw drops of red flow down my pale wrist...
And, for the first time in my life, I truly felt...what it meant to be...free...
...
It felt a little like dying, I guess.
I was nothing more than a shell devoid of emotion back then. I was filled with tears and nothing more.
I wanted to free myself from everything.
All I wanted was freedom...and I got it.
But what was the price I had to pay?
...
I was numb.
I couldn't feel anything... the tears flowing down my face... the sting of the scars on my wrist... the weight of the blade in my hands...
It was as if I was no longer capable of feeling.
I saw them prying the blade away from me, knowing that I was capable of doing what I just did... again, but I didn't really care. None of them could undo the scars I've already inflicted upon myself. Nothing they had to say could make me take back what I did.
...
I can't really remember anything about what happened before. I had no memory of getting in the infirmary. Heck, I had no memory of how I convinced that strict nurse of ours to let me go back to the classroom.
But all I remember, is that single moment...when Gouenji Shuuya taught me how to feel again..
...
The sun was toned down, just like the rest of my emotions. The skies were gray.
Everything was gray...
Until that shade of orange burst into my gray skies...
"What is your problem, KaRi?" I heard him demand, as I stared out blankly at the gray clouds. He wasn't fazed by my reaction, though, and demanded, "Give me a decent reason, KaRi. Why'd you do it?"
I kept on staring out the window, my soul uncapable of feeling actual pain. It was as if I've temporarily lost the ability to move. Or speak.
Is this what guilt is?
...
Gouenji went closer to me, slowly fingering my bandaged wrist, and whispered, "Does it still hurt, KaRi?"
I bent my head, and stared at my skirt. I felt a spark run through my soul as Gouenji gripped my hand tight, and said, "Because it hurt me as well, KaRi. I may not be the one who's bleeding, but I was the one who thought understood you better than anyone else..."
His grip was shaky now. I could feel my emotions surfacing again. I wasn't numb anymore.
"Tell me, KaRi... tell me the reason why you never told me about those bastards..." Gouenji said, tears flowing down his face, "Tell me, KaRi... were you the only one who bled when you got hurt?" his entire body was wracking with sobs now...
I now felt the sting of the scars, the knotted emotions inside me, and the hurt Gouenji felt as he said those words, "Tell me, KaRi... I want to hear it from you... and nobody else."
I didn't open my mouth, and try to explain. I didn't trust myself to speak. Not yet.
...
After a while, Gouenji and I just sat there, looking like hell, until he broke the silence, "KaRi, if you don't want to talk... then I suggest you don't talk to me...for good."
I lifted my head, wanting to make him come back. I've lost enough... I don't want to lose him, too.
But he was walking away, and there was nothing I could do to make him stay.
I looked at his retreating, as a broken scream resounded in the empty classroom, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
It took me a moment to realize that the scream... was mine.
I felt myself sinking into my own sadness, until that comforting voice started to make me see hope again...
'And my monochrome morning started to shine...'
This story really, truly did happen to me. And for some of you who may have questions, let me answer them for you now.
1. Yes, I have cut myself. Because life's gone too far. Or maybe I've done too little and simply let myself get to this point.
2. No, I really didn't think that anyone else besides me would get hurt.
3. And Gouenji in that story, was a close friend of mine, who made me see sense.
4. Yes. KaRi is one of the many names I use.