This originally started out as a oneshot, so at first the focus is very much on Mello's dysphoria and such. This isn't necessarily the main topic in all later chapters.
Many chapters will contain swearing, underage smoking and sometimes underage drinking.
Chapter warning for dysphoria, internalised transphobia and menstruation.
Mello bites into a piece of chocolate, watching Matt attempt to beat the same boss level for what must be the fourth time. His swearing is getting so loud that Mello anticipates someone barging into his room any second now, telling Matt to watch his mouth. If they're new and not already completely disillusioned, they might even try to drag him outside. Mello enjoys watching the poor suckers try.
To be fair, Mello has never understood Matt's love for video games either. When he grows up, he wants to ride a motorcycle and explore the world, rather than limiting himself to some poor imitation of it on a tiny screen. But he likes Matt and so he pretends to give a fuck about his games, if only because it's a good excuse to sit closer to him than would normally be acceptable.
"Fuck yes!" Matt jumps up from the bed, nearly knocking Mello over in the process. "Finally! Did you see how I used…" He freezes, mid-ridiculous victory dance and stares at Mello's lap. "Mel, you're bleeding."
Mello tries to remember if he cut himself on something. As he stands up he's tempted to make fun of Matt for being dramatic about some little scrape he didn't even realise he had, but then he sees it.
There's a large, red stain on the pristine white sheets, and after Mello frantically tries to figure out where the hell he's bleeding from, his hand comes back red when he touches the spot where his butt meets his leg. Fuck. No. This is not happening. Not to him.
Mello tells Matt he's going to see the nurse and dashes out of the room, feeling like he's going to throw up.
He's in and out of the infirmary in less than ten minutes, but spends about two hours under some abandoned staircase wondering how he's ever going to face Matt again. When he finally returns to his room, Matt is still sitting there, playing another one of his stupid games as if nothing's happened. The sheets have been changed, and Mello feels sick at the idea of some staff member trying to explain to Matt what's going on.
"What did she say? At least if she let you go it can't be that serious." Matt aggressively jabs at his console's buttons.
He doesn't know.
"Get out. I need to change." Mello tries to keep his voice steady but fails miserably. He's not going to cry. Mello doesn't cry. Crying is for little kids and girls.
For once, Matt actually looks up. "Hey, what's wrong?"
"Nothing." Mello's hands clench into fists as he resists the urge to punch the wall until his knuckles bleed. "She said it's what happens to girls when they grow up."
Matt looks genuinely confused. "But you're not a girl."
"You think I don't know that?!" Mello spits out in response. Isn't he, though? Sometimes he almost manages to forget that under his clothes he's different from Matt and the other boys at Wammy's, but did he really think that could trick his body into forgetting to change?
The only sounds breaking the silence that follows are the beeps of Matt's game. Mello can practically hear the wheels turning in his head. He's the smartest kid Mello has ever known, besides Near; he'll figure it out. And when he does, he'll never talk to Mello again.
When Matt eventually speaks, what comes out of his mouth is the absolute last thing Mello expects to hear right now. "I'm gay."
Mello processes this information for a moment. "Right. And?"
Matt shrugs. "I just figured it's fair to tell you a secret, since I just found out one about you. Trying to make you feel less shit, I guess." He sounds like he's reciting a shopping list, never taking his eyes off his game. "I have a crush on you. That's the important bit."
Mello stares at Matt with wide eyes. A crush on him? He's standing there wearing the ridiculous, too big trousers they've given him at the infirmary and the stupid pad that won't even stay in place because it was definitely not made for boys' underwear, feeling more disgusting and mortified than he ever has in his life, and Matt casually announces he's got a crush on him?
"If this is a joke then fuck you."
"It's not. I've liked you for ages. It's pretty distracting, to be honest. It makes me suck at games when you're watching the screen. I wasn't going to tell you or anything, because awkward, but…" Matt sighs. "I figured that if I'm gay and I have a crush on you, it stands to reason that there's no way you're a girl, no matter what that cow of a nurse says."
The tiny beginning of a smile tugs at the corner of Mello's mouth. "So you don't hate me?"
Matt rolls his eyes. "Don't be stupid. Here," he extends his arm and offers the handheld console to Mello. "If I buy you chocolate later, will you try to beat my time?"
Mello sighs dramatically, pretending to be annoyed, but grabs the console anyway. Matt knows damn well he can't resist a little competition. "Fine. Let me show you how it's done," he bluffs, joining Matt on the bed and scooting close enough to feel his thigh and shoulder against his own.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Mello knows that things are only going to get harder from here, and that there will be moments that all the crushes and competitions in the world won't solve anything. But somehow, knowing that Matt is going to be there makes it all seem slightly less terrifying.