A/N: Here it is! First Two and a Half Men fic. It kind of works from the show backwards. I've been trying to write one of these for a while now, hope you like it. :D
3 Times that Charlie Harper wished he was drunk
1.
Outside a beach house in Malibu it was a quiet and peaceful night. The only sound heard was the gentle slap of the waves on the sand. As there had lately been many strange occurrences this was a great relief to the owner of the house, Charlie Harper. Most of these weird instances had been happening late in the evening. And while Charlie was no stranger to being kept up all night it was generally for a much more pleasant reason.
They had also been scaring off many of his lovely ladies. He was beginning to get frustrated.
He knew something had to be done if he didn't want rumors floating around that the girls were leaving for a much worse reason. This calm night was very much welcome at the Harper residence.
Up in his bedroom Charlie had been sleeping for a couple of hours. He was recovering from a bad cold and took a few Sudafed to knock himself out. He figured it was a change from knocking himself out with alcohol. (Also they were out of Scotch, Tequila, and any other type of booze. He had checked.)
After waking up out of his medically induced haze, Charlie lazed around for awhile figuring it was too late to go out anyway. Just as he was falling back into sleep Charlie heard the same noises he had been for days. He groaned, "Not again!" The worst part was knowing that he could never find where the noises were coming from, no matter how much he looked. That was probably the part that had his women convinced that they were hearing something 'supernatural'.
He jumped out of bed, shouting about how, "they weren't getting away this time!"
Running down the stairs, Charlie bumped into Allen knocking him down. Barely stopping, he ran outside onto the deck. Halting for a minute he tried to make out where the noise where coming from. It was difficult as they seemed to be just muffled enough to lose the trail. Charlie quietly kept moving and all of a sudden heard them start to come from the house. Rushing back he followed them into the side room off the kitchen. Grabbing a bat leaning against the wall he moved into the dark room. Peering over the couch, Charlie saw a sight that made him wish he had just gone to the store and grabbed a bottle of Jack earlier.
There, sitting in front of the couch, was Jake moaning into the ultra sized tub of ice-cream they had bought him a week ago.
Slowly backing away, Charlie put down the bat, made his way into the living room, and told Alan, "If you want to see that kid ever again you will take him to either Judith's or Overeaters Anonymous. I don't care which one as long as he's not around to kill when I get back!"
Leaving Alan with a confused and shocked look on his face, Charlie grabbed the keys to his car and left to find the nearest bar.
2.
Charlie Harper looked around in proud satisfaction. He was looking at blank walls, stairs, and a kitchen with no food. But what made him so proud was that it was all his. It took a couple years, skimming on food, and taking every crappy jingle job he could get but he had finally done it.
He had achieved the dream.
A beach house in Malibu, a Jaguar, housekeeper, and all the women he could ever want right at his fingertips. As soon as he got the place decorated everything would be perfect.
Walking out onto his deck, Charlie took a look out at the ocean. It was almost too great to be believed. He had access to a beach, an amazing view, and it was near his favorite bar and clubs! What more could he ever want? Oh yeah, there was one other thing. It was so far away from his family that they could never just drop in like they did before. No more, "Oh I was just in the neighbor hood Charlie, thought I'd stop by".
Waking into the kitchen he knew what his next task had to be. Berta couldn't start for a few weeks, so he would have to go grocery shopping himself. All he had right now was a couple of pizza boxes and for some reason a jar of pickles. At least the appliances, like the phone and refrigerator, were up and running.
Just as Charlie was thinking that, he heard his phone ring. His stomach flipped. The only people who knew his new number were the only ones who needed it for emergencies.
His Family.
He also couldn't screen the call since they knew he would be up here all week getting the place ready. Damn it!
Resigned, he answered the phone. The voice on the other end made his blood run cold as they exchanged greeting and he hoped like hell that he could make up an excuse in the next 5 seconds or else he was screwed.
He cringed as he asked, "Mom, are you really sure that you want to come over?"
3.
It was the 70's and all Charlie Harper wanted to do was get out of this house, and hopefully find a nice judge who would emancipate him. His younger brother Alan was thankfully too sleepy to stay up and was already safely asleep in his room.
Of course no one else in the house was. Even though it was 11:00 on a weekday the party was just going strong. No one cared that both of Evelyn Harper's children had school in the morning. Charlie shook his head as he thought about how annoyed his mom was when he brought home bad grades. It never occurred to her that her lifestyle was one of the reasons why that happened.
After helping Alan with his homework the parties were usually just beginning. There was no way he was getting any work done with those going on.
All that he had was his piano that one of his stepfathers had been nice enough to give him before his mom had driven him away like all the others. At least that one hadn't died.
Curled up on the stairs, Charlie was just going over everything from the past few weeks in his head. Ever since her latest divorce was finalized, Evelyn had been hitting the party scene harder than ever. It was becoming difficult to handle Alan and his mom without letting Alan know just how bad things had gotten lately.
He desperately just wanted to grab a beer or something to help him get to sleep, but there was no way to do that without serious consequences. Some of the people down there were such hypocrites.
Charlie knew that his mom would eventually go back to somewhat normal. She always did, just like clockwork. In fact he sometimes did set his calendar around her, although this time he would probably be away at college by the time her next husband came around. At least Alan would be gone by the time they got divorced.
Someday they would both have their own lives and get away from all of this. Of course Alan would probably be the better adjusted one, but who cared? He would make sure that any kids one of them had would be unaffected.
Eccentric was better in his opinion anyway.
A/N: That's all folks! Hope you enjoyed it! Please give me feedback? It will only benefit the readers :=)