Disclaimer: I do not own Mario or the Koopalings, or KISS, or the Monster Mash, or anything from "Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein".
Iggy woke up screaming in the middle of the night.
This could normally be expected to happen once or twice a week, but lately, ever since Iggy had been stomped on and robbed of his magic scepter by Mario, he had been doing it every night.
Bowser was too lazy to get up. "Ludwig, would you take care of Iggy's screaming?"
Ludwig was usually up all night anyway, but he hated to be distracted from his work. "Perhaps I should work on a tranquilizer that stops young Koopas from incessantly screaming!" He had already tried several drugs on Iggy that didn't work.
Iggy was sitting up in his bottom bunk, still screaming, and he had Lemmy screaming too.
"Calm down, big brother Kooky's here," Ludwig said. "Are you having the Mario nightmares again?"
"Y-yes," said Iggy.
"M-m-me, too," said Lemmy. "I-I'm afraid that h-he will sneak back into the c-castle to bully us some more."
Ludwig sighed. "Mario's not going to hurt you. For Koop's sake, he has better things to do than to go around terrorizing youngsters who are not currently up to any outstanding mischief!" But Iggy and Lemmy did not seem to comprehend that statement.
"I-I-I w-want Cheezy here too," said Iggy. "A-and Kootie, and Bigmouth, and even Bully".
Lemmy nervously peeked out from inside his shell. "Me too."
Ludwig went out to fetch Larry, Wendy, Morton and Roy.
"Dude, what's the matter? I was having a lovely dream," said Larry, his eyes swollen and squinty.
"What the #%$ is going on?" screamed Morton. "What do you want us to do? Sleep in here?"
"That would be nice," said Iggy.
Roy said, "Forget it. Unless you'se a willlin' to trade bed for the floor, and I can't fit in your bed anyways."
Wendy put the sleep mask back over her eyes. "Some of us are trying to get beauty sleep!"
"Yeah, Kootie, you betta get back t'bed, y'need lots of it." Roy laughed.
Wendy waved her fist at him, but Ludwig said, "Let's just try to make them feel better. It's understandable that the twins might be having bad dreams considering the traumatic experiences they have gone through with the Mario brothers. Sometimes, I have nightmares about it. That's part of the reason why I almost never sleep."
Iggy said, "How do you keep from sleeping?"
"Caffeine!"
"You mean like in coffee? Can I have some coffee?" asked Iggy.
"Absolutely not! Caffeine's only for big Koopas!" Nobody, least of all Ludwig, wanted the twins bouncing off the walls from hyperactivity.
"But I don't want to sleep! Sleep gives me nightmares!"
"We all have nightmares, Iggy. Sometimes even when we don't sleep. Now, I know the rest of you have nightmares about Mario, am I correct?"
"Um…" The Koopalings seemed reluctant to make confessions.
"Okay, I have," said Wendy. "I… I dreamed that Mario broke into my room, stole my best jewelry, and trashed all of my designer clothing… Oh, wait. Princess Toadstool did that. In real life. But Mario did it again in my dreams!" Wendy started to sob from thinking about it.
Morton said, "Me too! I dreamed that Mario stomped on me, and then stomped on me again, and again, and then he kicked my castle and stomped it down into rubble! Each of us had a castle, and one of the castles he blew up with TNT, and one of them he smashed up with a BIG sledgehammer, like he stole from the Sledge Brothers or something, and one of our castles he wiped away with a windshield wiper!"
Larry said, "Um… Mario once interrupted one of my, um… dates… while I was dreaming. And one time I actually dreamed that I was, um, dating Mario."
"Yeah, well, I ain't scared of no Mario!" puffed Roy.
Ludwig said, "Not according to my Dream Analyzer! You dreamed last night that Mario beat you up and embarrassed you front of everyone!"
Roy blushed. "Why, I could just… Don't tell no one, OK?"
"That's OK. I wouldn't let anyone know that had our butts kicked by a plumber, let alone that we're still having nightmares about it! Why, last time I slept, it was afternoon last week, and I dreamed that Mario smashed my pipe organ to smithereens, blew up my lab and blasted our castle all the way to Cookie Mountain!"
None of these nightmare stories made Iggy or Lemmy feel any better. Iggy shivered from the wind blowing in from outside, and he closed the window.
"I-If Mario came in your room at night, what would you do? What would you do…
A-and he wanted to kill you in a fight tonight, what would you do if it was you?"
Larry jumped onto the top bunk and began to shout:
"I'd kick him in a lava pit, tie him to a Bob-omb,
Steal a sack of coins from his pocket,
Have my Piranha Pete bite off his feet,
Then blast him into Star World on a rocket.
I'd send him to his doom…
If Mario came in my room!"
Larry put on a pair of shades and started talking to a Mario action figure.
"Yo, mustache face!
You wanna piece of me?
Are you ready to rumble?
Bring it on, brother!"
Iggy peeked his face out from under the covers.
"What if Mario sat on the top bunk of your bed?
What would you do?
What would you do?"
"I don't have a top bunk! None of us have a top bunk except for you two!" screamed Morton. Lemmy added:
"With a big fat nose and an "M" cap on his head!"
Ludwig put a blanket around his neck like a cape.
"Well, if it was me, now let me see…
I would multiply using Planck's constant and pi
To determine math-e-mat-ic-al-ly,
His macro-quantum state, so I know what formula
Will shrink him to the size of a pea – no, a FLEA!"
Ludwig started to giggle uncontrollably; his trademark "Kooky" laughter.
"I'd fill him full of dread
If Mario came on my bed!"
Morton said, "It's called a Poison Mushroom! And it works on everyone, regardless of their mackyo-quanta whatever! Here's the way to get rid of him – WITH BLACK METAL!"
Morton turned on some loud KISS music. Ludwig said, "That isn't black metal", but nobody heard him. Morton got out a microphone and started shouting in a metal voice, and Larry and Roy joined in.
"Ain't no Mario will bring us down
Uh-uh, not again,
We'll blast his face right out of town
Uh-huh, that's right,
Mario not gonna bring us down,
Uh-uh, we'll tear him down!
'Cause we're the meanest Koopas around
That's right!"
Bowser screamed, "Larry, Morton, Wendy, Iggy, Roy, Lemmy, Ludwig, GO TO SLEEP!"
Larry screamed, "OK!" and shut the bedroom door. "Sheesh!" He pulled out a toy bazooka and started firing it.
"I am the Koopinator-tor-tor-tor…"
Iggy cried:
"B-but what if Mario decided to stay?"
Lemmy said,
"That wouldn't be very nice!
Maybe if we ask him to go away…"
Roy clenched his fists.
"Are we Koopas, or are we mice?
I'd punch him in the gut wit da ol' right hook
Then knock him upside the head"
Wendy frowned at her nails. Mario had broken quite a few of them.
"I'd give him a lousy manicure!"
Iggy crawled under the bed.
"I-I'd hide in my shell under the bed!"
Morton and Roy pulled Iggy out and screamed, "NO!"
"We'll make him face his doom…
If Mario comes in our room!
We'll blow him up-KABOOM!"
Bowser roared, "I thought I told you children to go to sleep!"
"Fine by me," said Larry. "G'night, all."
"And just you remember," said Roy, "If Mario trespassed onto our property, wit all seven of us and Kind Dad around, he wouldn't stand a chance!"
Larry, Morton, Roy and Wendy all left and went to bed. Aware that the twins were still scared, Ludwig stayed behind.
"Do you guys feel better?"
"Well, um, I'm still scared," said Iggy.
"Me too," said Lemmy.
"But I'm not scared when the loud music is on," said Iggy.
"Yes, that's because loud music scares Mario away," Ludwig white-lied.
"But I think that Bigmouth's music is kind of scary too," said Iggy.
"Well, remember the Mario Mash that I made?"
"Yeah! We like the Mario Mash!"
Ludwig turned on the Mario Mash and gave each of them a pair of earbuds so that Bowser wouldn't have to listen to it.
I was working in my lab late one night
When my eyes beheld a frightful sight!
From a pipe behind, a man did rise,
And suddenly, to my surprise,
He did the Mash
He did the Mario Mash
Mario Mash
Everyone in the castle was smashed!
Mario Mash
I caught on in a flash
I did the Mash
And I Mashed him back!
From my laboratory in the castle's east
To Larry's room, where the Piranha Plants feast
The Mario-Mashed Koopas came to my abode
For ECT from my electrodes!
The Shy Guys and Boos, they were having fun
The war against Mario had just begun
The guests included Wario
Fawful and even the Angry Sun!
The scene was violent, all were crazy and mad
Chomps on chains, tearing after E. Gadd
The Mushroom Crusaders were about to arrive
When we were done with the Mashing, none of them were alive!
Out from my dungeon, Yoshi's voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
When I shocked him to life, he shook his tongue and his fist
And said, "Yoshi?" which means "What happened to the Yoshi Twist?"
Now everything's cool, and Mario's nothing but mash
And all of us bad guys are having a bash
For you, the good guys, this Mash was meant too
When you get to my door, tell them Kooky sent you!
You can be Mashed
By the Mario Mash
Mario Mash
And be like Mario – smashed!
Yeah, you'll be mashed
You'll be mashed in a flash
You will be mashed
Like Mario was mashed!
(More Kooky laughter)
Credit goes to my twin sister, who posted the idea on a clip from "Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein" on YouTube.