The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has figuratively gone to the dogs. Just some more madness from my tiny mind that takes place before Pocket Listing.
Mr. Dimples' Dog Delights
"What is the matter with you idiots? I don't know why you lot are complaining about this mission even before I assign it!" Mallory barked at her staff in her office.
"Because your track record isn't exactly that great," Cheryl said in a bored tone. "In fact it sucks ass."
"Since we're not exactly wowing the CIA with our…" Mallory made a grimace. "Talents, for lack of a better word. Our agency needs to find ways to branch out and find new sources of income."
"Which you don't want the CIA to know about," Cyril sighed. "Because it would completely violate our contract with them."
"Not that it's ever stopped her before," Ray added.
"Listen," Mallory growled. "It's common knowledge to most people who have an IQ higher than…Well the combined majority of people in this room…That the rich and upper class members of New York have a network…A network I can tap into if I can just impress the right people!"
"Mallory no," Lana groaned. "Not another stupid society climbing scheme."
"This is not a stupid society climbing scheme," Mallory told her. "It's a plausible society climbing scheme!"
"Mother please," Archer sighed. "We all know how this is going to end. I end up sleeping with someone important and getting into a fight with Lana because she's extremely jealous…"
"HA!" Lana barked.
"Cyril will do something extremely pathetic and awkward embarrassing us all," Archer went on. "Pam will eat half the buffet table and Carol will act crazy. Krieger will go crazy when whatever experiment he brings escapes and causes havoc. Ray will be on the hunt for some guy who probably wouldn't be interested in him anyway and whine about it."
"And probably get injured or paralyzed again," Cheryl added.
"Ray only gets paralyzed on major missions! Not social climbing ones!" Pam corrected. "And we all get injured one way or another on any mission so…"
"So odds are somebody is going to get injured for some stupid reason. And then you throw yourself at some guy who's either married or not interested in you or both!" Archer went on to his mother. "And it all boils down to the big disaster of the night. Spoiler alert: There's usually a fire or somebody dying. More than likely both."
"You have to admit that's frighteningly accurate," Lana said to Mallory.
"Yeah whatever you've got planned sounds like a bad idea," Cyril agreed.
"A really bad idea," Pam nodded. "I think we should give this one a pass."
"Why do you have to involve us in this?" Ray asked.
"You're only going to end up yelling at us saying that it's all our fault when you shouldn't have even brought us along in the first place!" Cheryl agreed.
"You have to admit this is getting extremely predictable," Krieger added.
"Too predictable," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing every time and expecting different results."
"I thought you were the definition of insanity," Pam quipped.
"No, technically Cheryl is instability," Cyril added. "Not to mention severe masochism and pyromania."
"Oh right I forgot," Pam blinked.
Mallory let out a sigh. "I can't believe I'm saying this but you idiots have a point. Plus now that I think about it I'm not so sure I can trust you people at a dog show."
"Dog show?" Archer did a double take. "Oh God Mother! Not another dog show! Didn't you learn your lesson with that evil dog of yours the last time you tried this?"
"That judge had it out for Duchess!" Mallory barked.
"More like the other way around," Archer gave her a look. "That dog went after her like she was made of hamburger."
"That fat bitch smelled like a hamburger!" Mallory snapped. "Probably greased herself up with one like a perfume roller! Besides she was clearly jealous!"
"Jealous of all the other judges who didn't have to go to the emergency room?" Archer quipped.
"She was clearly prejudiced against Afghans!" Mallory huffed.
"Well if she wasn't before she is now," Archer remarked. "Since she can't wear a pair of earrings anymore. One earring maybe…"
"It was a frame up!" Mallory bristled. "Some kind of plot to kick her out of the competition."
"If it was it was a good one," Archer snorted. "Since that stupid dog was banned from competing for life after that incident."
"Duchess was not stupid! She was smarter than most of the people in this room!" Mallory snapped. "Admittedly not that high a bar to pass but still…"
"Mother as much as I love a good conspiracy theory," Archer rolled his eyes. "We both know that your dog wasn't exactly a threat to the other dogs. Actual human beings yes, but dogs no."
Mallory glared at her son. "Duchess was a champion show dog that won several other competitions before that incident!"
"I guess the new definition of several is three," Archer gave her a look. "You slept with two of the judges for the first two and the third you bribed!"
"Technically I only slept with one judge and bribed two," Mallory corrected. "The second judge I slept with after the competition. So it doesn't count."
"I'm not even going to ask why you wanted us to do whatever it is you wanted us to do at a dog show when you no longer own a dog," Archer groaned. "Oh God! You're not planning on getting another dog are you?"
"No, I can't take care of another one at this time in my life," Mallory waved. "Besides I have a husband now so…Now that I think about it. I should have gotten another dog."
"Honestly for me that's a toss-up," Archer remarked. "Considering my history with both of them."
"A dog wouldn't yap as much as a husband," Mallory went on. "A dog wouldn't run around without a leash like a husband. A dog wouldn't make as big a mess as a husband! You can actually house train a dog! And a dog certainly wouldn't stink up my apartment with his smelly cigars!"
"Look Mallory…" Lana began. "Wait a second. When exactly does Ron smoke cigars? He doesn't do it when you're babysitting AJ does he?"
"A dog doesn't leave the toilet seat up," Mallory ignored her. "A dog knows you're in charge and accepts it without question! A dog knows when it's done wrong and actually feels guilt! A dog will appreciate anything you feed it! I mean the man knew I wasn't a gourmet chef when he married me!"
"Can we get back to Ron and his cigars?" Lana asked. "I really want an answer to this question."
"Something tells me you don't," Ray sighed.
"Constantly whining about how I burn things whenever I cook something!" Mallory grumbled. "But does he have a problem eating takeout from those greasy pizza joints? Noooooo!"
"Since when do you cook anything?" Archer did a double take.
"And a dog certainly doesn't complain about your past!" Mallory growled. "Like Ron was Mister Snow White! Like I didn't know about that little skank he ran around with for years when he was thirty!"
"But he actually told you about that," Lana pointed out.
"While you neglected to mention your thirty something year affairs with both the heads of ODIN and the KGB," Ray added. "And lord knows who else!"
"A dog also loves you for who you are and doesn't try to change you!" Mallory went on. "Thousands of dollars in marriage counseling down the drain! For nothing! Brilliant idea Ron! Those so called professionals were all quacks anyway! Who do they think they are? Calling me an aloof alcoholic with control issues?"
"Sounds pretty on the mark if you ask me," Archer grumbled as he took a drink.
"I don't know how he did it but I'm sure Ron set me up!" Mallory snapped. "I looked like the bad guy while he came out a freaking saint!"
"Well you were indirectly responsible for him getting shot in the stomach by the Yakuza," Lana reminded her. "From running a drug cartel you started?"
"You were never really very open and honest with Ron about your past," Archer pointed out. "Not that I blame you for that but still…"
"In a lot of marriages when one spouse gets arrested for treason it kind of puts a strain on a relationship," Ray added. "Lot of trust issues that sort of spring up from that."
"And remember that bomb threat you made to that restaurant where the Albanian Ambassador was murdered?" Cyril asked. "You did drag Ron into the middle of that whole mess as well as the rest of us."
"And wasn't it your idea to do that open marriage thing?" Pam added. "And you got mad when you realized Ron was doing better than you were? So you kind of threatened a lot of people?"
"And aren't you spending Ron's money like every chance you get?" Cheryl added.
"And let's be real," Krieger added. "You're not exactly the most affectionate person in the world…"
"Oh sure! Take his side!" Mallory snapped. "I should have gotten a dog instead of a husband! A dog is ten times more loyal!"
"True. But you can't spend a dog's lifetime savings for your own ends," Ray pointed out.
"Technically she can if she got herself a dog that was willed a butt load of cash," Cheryl added.
"Yeah but that's like a statistical improbability," Krieger pointed out.
"No, it can totally happen!" Cheryl defended. "My great aunt Calpurnia Tunt willed her massive fortune to her Pekinese Mr. Dimples and in her will stated that her Chinese cook Mr. Huang was solely responsible for taking care of the estate. Said he was the only one who would make the food Mr. Dimples liked. He ended up with over ten million dollars!"
"You're telling me your crazy aunt willed ten million dollars to a dog?" Pam snapped.
"Her aunt loved that dog and wanted to make sure it was well taken care of! That doesn't sound so crazy," Mallory defended.
"Uh yeah it was," Cheryl gave her a look. "Mr. Dimples died like five years before she did. She was totally senile and thought the dog was still alive."
"That does sound crazy," Mallory admitted. "Which is par for the course with your family."
"Hold on," Krieger said. "Didn't that guy end up using the money to found his own food company or something?"
"Yeah, Mr. Huang's Frozen Chinese Foods," Cheryl nodded. "Where he made another fortune. And then he branched out to Mr. Dimples' Dog Delights. Made another fortune running a dog food company. Set up a ton of factories all over the country employing thousands of people. He's like the richest chef in the world now!"
"Wow, trickle-down economics does work," Archer remarked.
"So all we gotta do is find a really rich person with a really pampered dog," Pam spoke up. "Cheryl how many other relatives do you have that owns a dog?"
"As tempting as it sounds we are not…" Mallory began. Then stopped for a second to consider it. "No. Forget it! This is all Ron's fault!"
"How exactly is…Whatever you think is going on…Ron's fault?" Lana did a double take.
"It's Ron's fault for not giving me enough money to help support my agency and constantly nagging me all the time!" Mallory snapped. "He knew what he was getting into when he married me!"
"I'm not so sure he did," Ray remarked.
"If he thinks I'm going to give up my career and be some kind of homebody or arm candy he's got another think coming!" Mallory snapped as she stood up. "Who does he think he is? I'll show him!"
"Mallory? Where are you going?" Lana asked as Mallory got her purse and began to storm out of the office.
"Out! To live my life for once!" Mallory snapped as she left. "I'm sick of being cooped up in this office and I want to enjoy myself for once! SO PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT RON!"
"Wow," Archer blinked as she left in the elevator. "She really is in one of her moods isn't she?"
"I guess we're having a half day today," Pam blinked.
"It's only 9:30 in the morning," Ray pointed out.
"Guys we can't just leave work now," Lana sighed.
"She's right. The bars don't open for a few more hours," Archer pointed out.
"We could get a second breakfast at that diner down the block," Pam suggested.
"I could eat," Cyril agreed.
"Me too," Krieger nodded.
"What if Mallory comes back and finds us all gone?" Lana asked.
"Mother's not coming back," Archer waved. "She's in one of her moods. She's going to go shopping then out to a bar then shop some more…Because spending Ron's money will punish him. Then drink some more until she gets just plastered enough to say what's on her mind but lucid enough to think up some cutting remarks. Then get into a fight with Ron until he storms out. And then she'll drink Absinthe until she passes out."
"Basing that on years of experience are we?" Ray quipped.
"It wasn't always me," Archer shrugged. "Mother had a lot of boyfriends she enjoyed emasculating over the years."
"As long as it's not us I can live with it. For once we're not the main focus of her anger," Cyril agreed. "And I for one am going to take advantage of that."
"I just feel sorry for Ron," Pam admitted. "Think about it. He's the one trapped in that marriage with Ms. Archer."
"Honestly I'm amazed it lasted this long," Ray remarked. "We're gonna have to start a new betting pool."
"Oh that's right the expiration date ran out on the last one," Cyril remembered. "Okay I'll start up another one. I'm giving them at least another year."
"Please, six months tops!" Pam snorted.
"Three months for me," Archer added.
"I thought you liked Ron?" Lana asked.
"I do," Archer said. "I'm rooting for him!"