Inside the Cullen Mansion

By: SGwannabe

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot and the characters' alter egos.

Bella POV

"Hey Bells, I'm going to La Push to go fishing with Billy, so you'll be fine, right?" asked Charlie. I smiled and waved him off.

"I'll be fine, Dad. Go have fun. Anyways, I should go visit the Cullens anyway." I said. He frowned.

"Bells, you know I only want the best for you, but do you think that maybe you should… go see your other friends? Like the Newton boy? Or… oh what's her name?" he looked thoughtful.

"Angela?" Charlie's face brightened up.

"Yeah! Angela! Why don't you go to her house, or something?" he looked at me expectantly.

"Well, I would, but she's sick. Mike is also working with his mother at the shop today and Jessica is shopping with Lauren in Port Angeles." I explained.

"Why didn't you go with them?"

"I hate shopping."

"Oh, that's right. All right, fine, go to the Cullens. Jeez, my daughter has no life." Charlie muttered under his breath.

I cracked a smile and he waved behind him as he exited the room to the police cruiser in the front. I shook my head and put away my breakfast dishes before grabbing my keys and walking out to my beloved truck.

I hummed to myself as I slowly made my way over to the Cullen house. I arrived at the Cullen's with no problem. I walked in the front door, since Alice gave me the key a week ago.

"Hello?" I asked the empty house. No one answered. Were they home? Maybe they had gone hunting…

That scenario was quickly shot down when I saw Jasper dart across the living room, hiding something pink behind his back. "I GOT THE FUZZY DICE!" he was yelling. I blanched and that was when Alice came stumbling down the stairs.

I sighed in relief. "Oh Alice. Guess what. I just saw Jasper—" I was cut off by Alice hysterically laughing.

"Oh Bella, Bella, Bella. He's gay! Didn't you know that?" she stumbled again and looked at me. "Ooh, lookie at the stars Bellsers." She giggled again and then walked towards the TV at the other end of the room as she swung something around her hand.

I heard some sloshing and read the label from where I was standing. "Red Bull," it read. And it was then that I noticed her short-sleeved black shirt was advertising Corona Light Beer.

"BANG! It hit you! You're dead! MUAHAHAHAHA!!" she screamed, throwing her head up to the sky. "BAN—AUGH!" Alice flipped completely over and did a somersault in the air as Esme came streaming in on a large red motorcycle. The roar was deafening.

She drifted into the kitchen, crashing the motorcycle into the metal pots and pans. "AUGH!!" she suddenly screamed, making me cover my ears.

"THE METAL IS BURNING ME! ALICE, HELP MOMMY! THE METAL IS HURTING MOMMY!" Esme shouted.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR RUNNING ME OVER, WOMAN!" Alice yelled back.

Just then, Edward came sauntering down the stairs, looking around. "Oh thank God, Edward you're here. Look at them! What's going on with—"

"So beautiful…" he murmured with his velvety voice, looking at me. He started to trace my face with his fingers whispering, "So beautiful…" over and over. I backed away from him, my eyes widening.

Edward started looking at me, tilting his head to the side. "So beautiful…" Then, a blue blur rolled down the stairs. It was Emmett.

Edward turned around and screamed as he covered his eyes. "AUGH! I VOWED NOT TO LOOK AT ANOTHER UGLY FACE! GET AWAY FROM ME, APE!" Edward stumbled around, knocking priceless things over, but not caring. He started running, and ran straight into the wall before he fell back.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING UGLY… YOU… YOU… YOU… ALBERT EINSTEIN!!" Emmett yelled right back. He stood up straight and dusted off his blue dress. Yes, blue dress.

His short hair was curly to no end, and there were matching blue, flowery clips in his hair. He had on bright pink lipstick smeared over his lips, and black liquid eyeliner was crookedly drawn over his eyelids. Silver glittery mascara was delicately placed on his eyelashes. His bulging muscles looked ready to pop out of the tiny blue dress that must have been Alice's.

"Um… Emmett… please don't tell me that's a dress…" he grinned.

"It brings out my eyes. Don't you think?" he asked me girlishly, as he batted his glittery eyelashes and puffed his chest out. His hands were clasped in front of him and he stuck his butt out. His blue heels trembled under the pressure.

"Um… I don't know what I'm supposed to say…" I stuttered.

"Say you love it!" he said in a creepy voice, all the while pushing his face closer to mine and revealing his white teeth. His eyes had also gotten impossibly wide.

"Um… it's wonderful." I choked.

"SAY YOU LOVE IT WOMAN!!" he suddenly yelled, giving me a fierce look.

"I… love… it…" stammered. He smiled now.

"GEEEEE-RAAAAATTTEEEEE!!" he emphasized. I nodded and ran up the stairs where I saw Rosalie wearing a tight black dress with tights under them, and dark makeup.

Her eyes were thickly laid with black and dark gray eye shadow, and her black pencil eyeliner had been designed to look like teardrops down her face. She was talking to someone.

"Yeah, I totally think Jasper seems better with Matthew than Joseph, Cordelia. You're so right too, Ellen. Oh shut up, Kate. You know, I never liked you. Opal, you want to be my friend again? Kate is getting on my nerves. Wait! Haley, don't leave me!" My eyes widened even more as I saw Rosalie reaching out to nothing.

I turned around and saw a door wide open. I noticed it was Carlisle's study. I sighed. Maybe he was normal. Yes, Carlisle was always the rational one.

I walked to his door and cautiously looked in. "GAH!" I screamed. Carlisle calmly looked up and he smiled.

"Bella, do you see any difference?"

"I DON'T WANNA SEE ANY DIFFERENCE!" I screamed. I had walked in, and Carlisle was shirtless, holding something I only saw on commercials.

You know those exercise things for girls to make their breasts look bigger and more centered? That was exactly what Carlisle was holding.

"Bella, wait. I need your opinion. I don't think this piece of equipment is working. I ought to get my money back for this. I mean, do you see my man boobs growing? I can see them moving, now that's not a problem… See? Lookit, there they go. I'm so proud of them. They're going up and down, up and down…"

THE END!!

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