Survival of the Eric: Abridged
Episode 1: Why Haven't We Killed Him Yet?
So, I figured, what the hell? I'm feeling up to making a large summary of Survival of the Eric, all while poking fun at myself and the characters in general. Let's see if abridging fanfiction is even possible.
BReakaway
So, Asta totally messed up on typing out the chapter title, then felt lazy and left it like for over half of the fic. Idjit. Shifting away from that, we see Jackson and Nathan out in the darkness, cooking an egg. Why doesn't the fire crackling wake anyone else? Why are they awake, in particular? Who cares!?
"So, why'd you get up so early?" Nathan asked.
"I always wake up early, because I'm one paranoid mother fucker," Jackson replied, "also, I'm just badass enough to not need sleep. Why the hell did you wake up, Cor- I mean, Nathan."
Nathan scraped the egg off of his makeshift plate and gobbled it down, gleefully.
"Let's have some unnecessary dialogue about me taking the last turn to get the egg and how I'm totally cool for doing it."
Jackson snorted, "Please. I'm the major badass around here. Don't forget it, punk."
"Right. Forgot."
After a moment, a certain blonde scum for who this fic is titled emerged from his tents, groggier than Rumplestilskin.
"Why are you guys not sleeping? It totally ruins my plans for swiping the egg."
"What?"
"Nothing. Hey, doesn't this diet suck?"
"I'm pretty sure you said something about swiping this egg," Nathan said.
"Why don't we eat the chicken?" Eric said, salivating over the poor bird.
"Why do you keep ignoring me!?"
"What? Eat the chicken? No. Retard," Jackson snapped.
"You have pissed me off. GLARE."
"Oh yeah, blondie. EYE OF THE STREET RAT."
Eric's pathetic glare was no much for teh awesomeness that is Jackson's street rat glare, and thus he bowed in respect, before skimpering off to the tents, to write on his imaginary LiveJournal.
"Why haven't we killed him yet?" Nathan asked.
"Because I haven't deem it badass enough, yet."
"Right."
The morning progressed, and everyone sat down to breakfast. Why on earth Jackson didn't just maul Eric or keep a super keen eye on him for totally trying to swipe the egg and being a royal dick about the chicken is anyone's guess.
"Hey, little half-brother whose relations to me were never so much as touched on by the writers! Got any ideas for saving our tails, since you always do?"
"Well, I could make a diamond out of the sand with some schematics I read about on Anarkists For The Win dot com, then use the raw energy to hone the innate telekinetic powers we humans have and pull civilization to us."
"Seriously?" Daley asked.
"Screw that, why don't we hunt!" Eric shouted.
"What? That's STUPID. YOU'RE stupid," Daley snapped.
"Nah-uh! And I'll prove my plan is genius by asking everyone to come along, even the 10 year old child and physically pampered girl who can't even stand to walk around the beach for too long!"
Crickets.
"Uhhh... I'm too much of a wuss to kill anything," Nathan said.
"What about fish?"
"They don't kill them. I do. With my bare hands," Jackson intercepted.
"Daley?"
"Psh. Like I'm leaving Corbin Bleu for exploration in the jungle."
"We already did that joke this chapter," Jackson said.
"Really?" Daley asked, "Crap."
"Melissa?" Eric asked, sharply, "Let me guess. You're too emotionally dependent on Jackson breathing within 100 feet of you that you won't."
Melissa giggled, "On the mark!"
"And you won't go because-"
"Dude, you're a jerk, and I'm too much awesome," Jackson replied.
"Taylor?"
EMOTIONAL MOMENTS IN WHICH TAYLOR DRAMATICALLY SHAKES HER HEAD AND ERIC STORMS AWAY. OH TEH NOES.
"...Dumbass."
"He's dead."
"Yup."
"Good riddance."
SUPER SECRET FORESHADOWING THAT TAYLOR KNOWS SOMETHING MYSTERIOUS AND DARK IN ERIC'S PAST. OH TEH NOES.
"HAI SCRU U GAIZ, 3RIC IZ SUPA PWNAG3 AND J00 R ALL T3H N00BZ!"
And thus, Taylor ran off, to type away on her imaginary LiveJournal.
"...Well, that could've gone better," Jackson said.