I feel very anxious right now, because I'm scared Kelli is gonna leave the show after 19x20. I know it's just a fictional character but I can relate to Rollins in so many ways, she really has helped me through a hard time, and I grew with her. When I read mean comments about her, it makes me sad to see so many people are still judging others out there. I mean, you don't have to like her, for example I've never liked Amaro's character, but I respect it, I don't have to be mean about it. Well, I know it's not the right place to say all of this, but I'm not sure where I should put this down. Anyway, enough about this, it's been a while since I've been writing an SVU story, but this last couple of days, that is all I wanted to do.
The book of Esther hasn't happened, Noah and Jesse don't exist in this story…. Here we go!
Enjoy!
Things have been pretty hectic at the precinct the last couple of weeks. A few cases struck a cord with Amanda, but she hadn't really had the time to think about it. In fact, the team was short-staffed, Carisi being on vacation and to be fair, Olivia had relayed on Amanda much more than what she had realised. The blonde was always the first to arrive in the morning, and the last to leave. Sometimes, Olivia even wondered if the woman got home for the night.
But tonight was different.
Tonight, Amanda looked at the end of the rope.
They had just lost a case. Amanda had spent hours with the victim, listening to the sordid details of the assault, providing comfort and building a solid defense.
"There just wasn't enough evidence, I'm sorry" Stone concluded with what seemed like sympathy.
The women detectives comforted the victim one more time before heading back to the precinct.
"Amanda"
The blonde, who was already by the elevator, turned around with annoyance.
"Why don't you go home for the night?" Olivia carefully suggested
"You look like you could use the rest"
"I'm fine" The firmness of Amanda's answer combined with her stoic posture didn't fool Olivia though. After years working with the blonde, she was pretty much used to any of her defensive mechanisms.
Olivia's desperate attempts to establish eye contact failed, as expected.
"Look, I'm just gonna finish the last paperwork about this case, I don't wanna have to think about it tomorrow, hmm?!" Her voice raised a little, even though it was still evident that she wasn't asking for permission.
Olivia gave a faint nod, too tired herself to argue. "Well, I'm going home, I'm beaten"
The brunette was almost in front of her building when suddenly she braked to stop in the middle of the traffic. She couldn't explain where this bad feeling was coming from, but she just knew she had to head back to the precinct. Trying to persuade herself that it was only her guilt talking, she nevertheless dialled Amanda's number. The brunette let out a sigh at how silly she was being, knowing perfectly that even if Amanda wasn't feeling well, there wasn't much she would be able to do for her subordinate, since the blonde would only push her away, like every time she had tried to reach out in the past. But still, Olivia nervously speeded up, the few minutes separating her from Amanda suddenly feeling like an eternity. "Why don't you pick up the phone?!" She muttered to herself.
Her head tilted against the window of her own office, Olivia felt like an intruder.
Amanda was curled into a ball in the dark. She had found herself a nest sheltered from the world, and Olivia was spying on it.
"Amanda" She gently whispered, not wanting to startle the blonde.
"Mmh, Lieutenant" Amanda composed herself as soon as she took notice of her superior's presence.
"What are you doing here?" Drying the almost invisible tears threatening to escape her intense blue eyes, Amanda was forcing herself to swallow her feelings.
Olivia let out an ironic sigh. As predicted, the blonde was impermeable to any kind of sympathy. "What's wrong?" She still asked, slowly moving forward, and hoping that the blonde wouldn't jump out of the couch right away.
"It's.. nothing.. I'm.."
"Fine" Olivia ended the sentence for her, with a sad smile. "But, we both know that's not true, do we?"
"What do you want Liv?" Amanda's annoyance was taking the precedence, once again.
"Something's been going on for a while, now, am I wrong?" Olivia has been dealing with thousands of woman, but with Amanda, it was different. She had no clue on how to approach the stubborn detective.
As if reading her mind, Amanda ended the discussion before it even started "I know all of your tricks Liv, they won't work on me. I'm going home", she stated grabbing the door handle, but stopped when Olivia began speaking again.
"What if, this is not a trick?" Olivia inquired
Amanda was nervously staring at the wall, but she was still here, so, it was already something, Liv thought.
"What if, I want to help?" Sincerity was the only shot she figured she had.
"There's nothing you can help me with Olivia, but thank you" Amanda opened the door and Olivia panicked a little.
"Amanda wait!", she shouted louder than what she intended to, and once again, the blonde stopped, as if, part of her wanted nothing more but to be able to accept the hand that was being handed to her.
"You don't have to look at me. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, but will you just listen? And, when I'm done, if you want to leave, than I won't bother you. Can you do that for me?" Olivia pleaded.
Amanda nodded so faintly that the brunette wondered if she hadn't imagined it.
"Thank you" Olivia murmured as Amanda once again took place on the couch. All she had to do, was waiting for Olivia's monologue to end and then disappear, she didn't even had to listen, just to pretend she was.
"To be honest, I don't even know what I should say. But I didn't want you to leave." Olivia's honesty made it harder for the blonde not to listen though.
"Not when you look upset like that. It scares me, not being able to picture what you might do next. Where do you like to go, to clear your head up? Do you have someone, anyone, that you can call, if you need to?"
Amanda was hammering her nails on her thigh, and focusing on the pain it procured her. If she only focused on the pain, than Olivia's words wouldn't affect her that much.
Olivia didn't miss to notice the struggle it was for Amanda not to break down. Part of her wanted to grab the blonde's hands and soothe them, but if she came closer now, the blonde would shut herself down again, so for time being, she just kept talking, trying to build some thrust.
"I don't like asking for help either, you know that. But if I needed to, I have friends that would do the impossible for me. And most of the times, this simple idea is enough for me to feel better" The candor and emanating from Olivia's soft voice was a perfect indication of how much she cared about Amanda right now.
On the opposite side of the room, Amanda was still fighting to pretend she was fine. Keeping every emotion inside, every word she wished she could say, every tear she wished someone had noticed, Amanda's throat was closing up. On the inside, she was a wreck, but nothing on her appearance indicated that she was about to loose her calm.
"For example, I know that I can count on you Amanda. If I really needed someone, I know you'd be there for me. Am I wrong?"
"Amanda?" The brunette was worried ad how white her friend had suddenly become . Without thinking it twice, she rushed in front of the younger detective and grabbed her hands. Amanda didn't even flinch, which worried the Lieutenant even more.
"Amanda honey, I need you to breathe" She firmly instructed, lifting Amanda's chin in order to establish eye contact.
The blonde was fighting so hard not to let her emotions out that she was holding her respiration.
The second she would let out a breath, there would be no stopping the flow of despair running inside her bones right now, and she was perfectly conscious of that. The panic in her eyes was evident and for a second she wondered if you wouldn't be better to just not breathe.
The lieutenant had now grabbed her shoulders in order to get her out of the trance she seemed to be in. "Amanda you need to breathe, RIGHT NOW" Olivia commanded firmly.
Amanda opened her mouth and tried to inhale, but a sob escaped her mouth instead. She tried again to breathe in as a river of tears escaped her eyes, and soon she was unable to control anything anymore. The sobs prevented her to take the oxygen she so deeply needed at the moment.
Olivia knelt down in front of the distressed woman.
"Come here" she instructed as she dragged the woman on the floor, in her lap.
"Slow down… you need to slow down sweetheart", she repeated, carefully
listening as the sobs were still preventing the young woman to breathe properly.
"Here" The brunette grabbed Amanda's right hand and placed it on her heart. "Feel my heart" Olivia advised, as a way to keep the distressed woman grounded. "See, I'm right here with you, and everything is all right. Just me and you"
"I ca.. ca..n..'t"
"Ssssh… nice and easy, you just breathe for now" Olivia strongly kept a hold on the crying detective, promising that she wouldn't let go.
"That's right honey, just in and out, that's all" Slowly, Amanda's loud sobs became a whisper, until Olivia couldn't hear them anymore. But Amanda was still grabbing at her jacket as if it was her only lifeline at the moment, and Olivia didn't pull away, as she promised. "I've got you" she whispered again, and again, until the shaking woman lifted her head and once again turned her head in order to hide.
"God Olivia.. I'm sorry…" she spoke in a low voice.
"I think you really needed to let go" Olivia sadly affirmed. "There's nothing to be sorry about honey. I'm feel very honoured to be here right now."
Amanda sighed as new tears began running down her face. "No.. I didn't Liv… God I'm a mess…"
"Amanda, would you like to tell me what's going on?" Olivia finally let go of the blonde who seemed to be in need for some personal space again.
"Nothing.. nothing's going on Liv… I don't why I… nothing's going on I promise" Amanda was back at being annoyed against herself. Because it was the truth. Nothing exceptional was happening, so why in the world couldn't she get it together?!
"I think you're just exhausted right now"
"What do you say we try to get some sleep… and maybe tomorrow we can talk some more?"
"Yeah, maybe" Amanda was feeling grateful for Olivia's decision not to push. "See you tomorrow Olivia" She added as she got up from the floor, feeling ridiculous to have found herself in that position not that long ago.
" Wait, where do you thing you're going?" Olivia couldn't believe her eyes.
"Home?"
"I don't want you to drive when you're shaking. You're coming with me, that's not up for discussion"
"I'm better now"
"The hell you are. Come on, just for tonight." Olivia insisted, as she grabbed Amanda's coat.
"Let's go?!"