Uncontrollable Crush

Needing a break from showing up Wakka in blitzball, I sit down in the sand with a heavy sigh. The exercise is always refreshing and gets my heart pumping, especially on days like today. The breeze feels amazing and the sun is always shining. It's perfect weather to just sit and listen to the waves lap up against the shore.

Taking off my shoes and tossing them aside I dig my toes into the sand as the water reaches just high enough to get me. I'm a little sweaty but I don't feel like going for a swim yet. I try to push my blonde hair out of my eyes but it falls right back and I give up. Grabbing my knees and relaxing I sigh again like I can exhale all of my problems. Staring off into the horizon I think, life couldn't get any better than this.

My best friend sounds equally exhilarated as he sits beside me. I don't need to look at Wakka to know he's staring off daydreaming just like me. He sets the blitzball between us and leans back, sighing loudly to get my attention. I look at him this time and smirk. Even though he's sweating up a storm his bandana keeps his bright orange hair as perfect as usual. I can't understand how he gets it to stand up like that. It always amazes me and I look away as I laugh.

Apparently he's distracted because he doesn't ask why I'm laughing. Instead he changes the subject. "Yuna likes you, ya know?"

I don't need to think about it to give him a retort. "Yea, I know." I don't know why he's telling me this now. After spending time with her I like her too, but I don't think I like her that way. Definitely not that way she wants. I could say the same about him and Lulu who are constantly talking and laughing together. Every time I turn around he's with her. He's more attached to Lu than Yuna is attached to me, and I know she likes me. "Well you and Lulu seem really close. I think she might like you."

He laughs, deep and hearty, the sound carrying on the wind. I've always liked his laugh; it always sounds so genuine, like he's enjoying himself. "Sure, we're close, but Lu doesn't like me in that way. She just knows my secrets."

Curiosity gets the better of me and now I have to ask. "Secrets? Like something even I don't know?"

Wakka hesitates, clearing his throat bashfully. "Well, you know. It's just a secret."

I look at him in confusion. "You tell me secrets all the time."

He scratches his head like he's embarrassed. "It's not like I don't want to tell you, man. I've just never told anyone. I don't know how people will react."

Straightening my legs so the water washes over my calves I lean back, burying my hands in the sand this time. "What, you like guys or something?" I joke, laughing a little.

He looks a little startled by the guess and I watch Wakka sit up. "Well… yea..."

"What? Really?" I sit up too, completely surprised and a little embarrassed.

We look at each other for a second and I get the feeling he's asking if I understand he's telling the truth. I feel even more flustered with him looking at me so I look around, up into the sky, anywhere else if I can.

I really don't know what to say. I've never thought about it before. A guy like Wakka liking guys? He's pretty manly I guess… what kind of relationship would that be? I have no idea. He said Lulu knows his secret? So all this time she's known he's gay and no one else knew. No wonder they're so close; I was getting the wrong impression completely… I feel kind of dumb for laughing when I asked.

After a long silence and listening to the waves I hug my knees to my chest. "What's it like?"

"Huh?" He looks at me but I can't look at him just yet.

"What's it like… liking a guy?" I stare down at my feet and watch my toes dig in and out of the sand as the water tries to cover them. For some reason I feel really nervous and I don't know why.

He doesn't laugh like he usually would, so I guess this is a pretty serious conversation for him. "It's the same as liking anyone. Does it matter if it's a guy or a girl?"

"Hm, I guess you're right." I've never really liked anyone like that before. I feel a little more relaxed and look at him this time. "I don't like Yuna, by the way. I like her like a sister maybe, but not like she likes me."

He nods with a small smile since I'm acting like myself again. "Yea, I think of her like a sister too."

I turn towards him, crossing my legs and leaning forward. For some reason I'm curious again and I hope he doesn't mind my questions. It's not like I wouldn't poke at him normally. "Do you like someone right now?"

Finally back to himself he laughs for real. "Not really I guess."

"Well, have you ever kissed a guy before?" The question comes out of my mouth before I can think about what I'm saying.

His face turns bright red. "Well… no."

"Then how do you know you'll like it?" Sometimes I surprise myself with what comes out when I don't think before I speak. For some reason I feel worked up and I just can't help it. I almost wish he would punch me because I'm being ridiculous.

He doesn't. He just thinks about what I asked. "I tried kissing Lu once. It pretty much cemented my interest in guys, yea." He looks at me. "Have you kissed a girl before?"

Now I'm the one that's embarrassed. "…no… I haven't."

"Then how do you know?" He's just making fun of me now, like he always does.

I scratch my head and lay down in the sand with a sigh. "I guess I don't." He's looking at me and honestly I don't know anymore. I was pretty sure I liked girls… but I never have been interested in them. Not even Yuna, who gives me openings to flirt all the time. I just don't get it.

Clearing his throat I watch Wakka get up. "We should head back. I'm getting hungry."

"Me too." He offers a hand to help me up and I take it like nothing happened. He even grabs the blitzball and starts the walk home, but I follow behind him. Everything seems normal enough…

For the next few days I can't stop looking at Wakka, knowing his secret. This is why he didn't want to tell me, he knew I would act different. And honestly I can't act like I don't know. Now when I see him with Lulu I don't think of how cute they look together, I know they're just friends. From afar I just keep looking, watching, waiting for I don't know what.

Since that conversation we haven't been alone for long, but finally I manage to pull him away wanting to play some blitzball. I can't tell if internally I really want to play or if I just want to hang out with him, but it doesn't matter.

We're talking more than playing, passing the ball back and forth without much effort. "It's so hot today. I feel like I need a swim already."

I laugh out loud knowing how he feels. "We just got here. How can you already be sweaty?"

"It's a curse. I can't help it." He tosses the ball back to me.

I hold onto it this time. "Wakka. Can I ask you something?"

He's just staring at me, waving his arms like he's stretching. "You know you can. What's up?"

I take a few steps towards him and look around, hoping no one is watching. Seems like the beach is pretty quiet today. "Well… uh… you know… I mean, how did you know?" I don't even know what I'm trying to say right now. By the confused face he's giving me, he doesn't understand either. I slide the ball under my arm and clear my throat. "How can you be so sure you like guys?"

"What the heck are you talking about?" He crosses his arms and I hope he's not getting defensive because I didn't mean it like that.

I wave my hands at him, feeling dumb. "You said you never kissed a guy before, yea?"

"Yea. Why?" He relaxes a little.

I take a deep breath and look at him, realizing he's a couple inches taller then me for the first time. I thought I could push the nerves aside and say it, why don't you try kissing me, but I can't. "Nothing. Never mind." I clear my throat and turn around, somehow feeling intimidated by him. I've never felt like that before. What was I about to ask him? I just had this ridiculous feeling like I want to try kissing, just once.

My heart is pounding all of a sudden and just as he's about to grab my arm I run towards the water. "I need to cool off! It's too hot out here!"

"That's what I said!" He runs after me without noticing my reaction I guess. We both wade into the water, splashing everywhere before we're deep enough to dive in. I'm under first and dive as deep as I can, touching the bottom until my lungs scream for air, forcing me to return to the surface. Wakka's already at the surface treading water, laughing at me when I gulp in air. "Are you crazy? Why are you so worked up today?"

I relax and float on my back. "Must be something in the air." At least I try to relax but a minute later he's shoving me under water and I end up tugging him under with me. We mess around just being kids for a while and I forget my worries. When I get a nice mouth full of water I have to tell him to wait while I cough out the contents of the ocean. "Gah, it went up my nose. That hurts!" I sputter for a second but the pain subsides, giving me that light headed sensation like I just sniffed too much salt.

Somehow the waves have pushed us close enough to stand with the water just below our shoulders. Wakka bounces in place with a giant smile. "Tidus, you're crackin me up. But don't drown on me now. Things were just getting interesting." He laughs again.

The water is refreshing but I still feel a shutter vibrating through my nerves. The fluttering in my stomach is so intense I could almost throw up. I have to look at Wakka when he laughs, soaking in the sound of his voice and trying to understand what's going on in my head. I swim a little closer and he looks at me, completely oblivious of my struggle.

I've never thought this hard in my whole life. It has to be now, while no one is looking. Just once should be okay; surely he wouldn't push me away. "Wakka, can you… close your eyes for a minute."

He makes a face, but shrugs. "You're not going to dunk me under water while I'm not looking, are you?"

Shaking my head, I laugh. "No, I swear I'm not going to dunk you."

"Okay. I guess… but don't do anything I have to make you regret." He closes his eye and takes a breath. He even puts his hands over his eyes just to tell me he's not peaking.

What a terrible thing to say at a moment like this. "I can't promise you anything this time." Before he can get suspicious I grab his hands and he's so focused on covering his eyes it helps me pull him closer. With a little determination I plant a kiss on his lips… firm, short, but obviously a kiss.

The instant I back away he uncovers his eyes and looks at me, his face frozen so I can't tell what he's feeling. Obviously confused… if anything at all.

The butterflies in my stomach are doing summersaults. "Well? What did it feel like?"

He blinks a few times. "I dunno. It was too short…" He straightens up, his body coming back to life a little as he moves closer to me again. "Can we try again?"

Now, all of a sudden, I feel relieved. "Sure." My body moves by itself when he leans closer. I close my eyes letting out a long sigh before I feel his lips again. The kiss is salty, like the ocean, and I feel his hand touch my shoulder. His hand is hot but gentle, sending a wave of heat through my arm and into my other limbs.

Too soon, he backs off. When I finally open my eyes I notice he looks as winded as I feel, like we're both struggling to remember to breath. I notice him swallow the knot in his throat as his Adams apple bobs before he speaks. "How was that?"

He doesn't get far before I grab his suspenders and keep his from pulling any farther away. "I think I might like guys too." I admit out loud even though I've been thinking about it for days.

The moment passes and he removes my hands from his clothes. "Are you sure? Or are you just saying that because I told you the other day?" I can tell by the look he's giving me, he doesn't believe me.

The butterflies are gone. I should be honest but I'm not really sure what my honest answer is. "I really never thought about it before you told me. But I've been thinking about it a lot since then."

"Yea?" He starts to wade towards the shore and I follow. I can tell by the way he's running away that he's obviously mad. He's not laughing or smiling anymore… he's definitely mad.

I try to grab his arm to stop his from getting too far away, but it's too slippery and he pulls out of my reach within seconds. "Wakka, I'm serious."

"So am I." He turns to me and I can see the hurt in his eyes. It almost makes me regret the whole thing. "You can't just make the decision like it doesn't mean anything, yea? I'm not going to sneak around and pretend no one will ever find out." He sighs, trying to collect his thoughts. "I know I'm not always smart about my choices, but this is something I want to do right."

I feel like I'm being scolded and I melt a little under his lecture. "I'm sorry… I didn't mean it like that…"

Scratching his head he kicks at the sand. "No, I'm sorry." He sighs, looking up into the sky for a minute before looking down at me. I think he feels bad because of the scared face I'm surely giving him. I try to fix my expression. "This isn't a game for me." He takes a breath again, struggling to look at me. "Tidus… you know when I told you I don't like anyone right now?"

My curiosity pokes its head up. "Yes?"

Still averting his eyes I notice his embarrassment return. "Well, maybe I lied, you know? So… whatever you're feeling right now… come back to me when you figure out if it's real." I blink in surprise. He's telling me he likes me? "If you're just curious, let's go back to just being friend and pretend this didn't happen."

He's going to walk away from me any minute, but my body is so stiff I feel like I've turned into a machina. I blink a million times trying to kick-start my brain. "I can't forget what happened."

He frowns kind of comically in surprise. "Why not?"

"Because I want to do it again." I don't need to think about it to know I enjoyed kissing him.

He turns a new shade of crimson. "Wha- really?"

"Yea, well… I don't know much about liking someone… but I can tell you honestly that I enjoyed kissing you and I want to do it again." Telling him exactly what I'm thinking is easier than trying to figure everything out in my head.

He huffs, obviously a net of doubt has started to strangle his brain. He doesn't want to admit that I might be telling the truth I guess. "I guess I…"

A blitzball nails me in the side of the head announcing the team's arrival on the beach. That also ends our conversation for now, even though it kills me to admit it. We do some easy work outs with the guys before they take a swim break and I lay down in the sand, more emotionally exhausted than anything else. Wakka joins the others and I force myself not to even watch them. I try to daydream but my head is locked on to what the others are doing, listening to the sound of them splashing and messing around.

Eventually I sit up to get a better look and my eyes fall immediately on Wakka. He's back to normal, smiling and laughing as a tidal wave of water soaks him and he retaliates. It's like that weird conversation didn't even happen. I just sigh, a little disappointed. Maybe I don't know how I feel so I look at him even harder. Do I like him… or am I just caught up in my first time? I guess there's a lot of good things about him. He's tall and has a nice body; even I have to admit he's as toned as I am with all that blitzball. He always makes me laugh. And we can both be dumb sometimes but at least we can laugh about it. I lean against my knees and watch him some more.

My mind wanders, maybe the heat's getting to me… because I realize he has really nice skin, like caramel that would probably melt in my mouth… He looks at me and I snap out of it.

"HEY! Tidus! Get in here!" Wakka yells, smiling and waving for me to get in the water. The team yells around him and I laugh. How can I say no to that? I end up joining the fun.

We return to the village and after sunset I walk back to the beach alone, finding my way to the docks. I'm restless and I can't seem to sit still. I don't want to hang out in the village where someone might notice I'm acting weird. I'll never hear the end of it because of my big mouth.

Leaning against a post I look down into the water and check out my reflection. The blonde man is looking back at me like he's disappointed. I sit down and shove my feet into the water, breaking up the image. "What do you know? Don't look at me like that." With a heavy sigh I fall onto my back and stare up at the sky.

All I can think about is Wakka. The way he looked at me made my heart hurt. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings… I'm not trying to trick him. He's right; I didn't start to like him until he told me he liked guys. I admit… it did make me more curious. But I know now it's not just curiosity. If it was, I wouldn't feel so terrible about being pushed away. I probably wouldn't care about anything really…

I'd feel the same as I feel with Yuna, just normal. I love her, but not the way I think of Wakka.

I'm embarrassing myself just thinking about it. I have to show him I'm serious. Jumping to my feet I yell from the dock at the top of my lungs and it fills me with determination. I can do this! I'm feeling better already. With my spirit lifted I run back to the village knowing he'll still be awake somewhere, waiting.

The run is long but I'm still full of energy when I sprint past the first house and see Yuna in the distance. I run up to her and grab her hands. "Yuna! Where's Wakka!?"

She laughs at me since I'm running in place. "I think he's with Lulu in-"

Before she can finish I run off. "Thanks!" I already know what she's going to say. I run to Wakka's house and barrel inside without asking. The two are alone and look up at me with completely different expressions. Wakka looks startled but Lulu is smiling at me. Perfect timing. He's about to say something when I throw myself at him and kiss him as we're falling over. I can hear Lulu laughing in the background.

He struggles to sit up after I pull away. "Tidus! What-"

I kiss him again, violently so I know he'll stop talking. "I'll tell everyone that I like you to prove it if I have to! I'll yell it at the top of my lungs! I-"

His hand covers my mouth and he shushes me. "Shhhh people are sleeping. Don't yell right now."

Lulu brings her long sleeve up to cover her laughter. Her dark eyes are looking at me with a knowing glint. "I think you've proven your point."

"You think so?" I look at her, completely comfortable with her watching for some reason. Maybe because I know she already knows the secret. Or maybe because I know she's not an obstacle.

I'm still in Wakka's lap with my legs around him as he tries to regain his balance, his hand around my waist since he has to move me to get comfortable. I can tell he doesn't realize how close I am until he looks up. Lulu continues as we exchange glances and I smile at his bashful face. "Wakka was just thinking of looking for you, right Wakka?"

The redhead clears his throat. "Maybe… where did you run off to anyways?" He doesn't bother removing his hands even though he's not sure if it's okay.

"I was at the dock thinking about what you said." I'm looking down at him with what I hope is the intensity of a thousand suns.

It's working because he gets embarrassed and looks down at my chest, immediately averting his eyes so he doesn't stare at me, "Just forget about what I said. I was too harsh. I didn't mean it that way."

I grab his face, forcing him to look at me. "You were worried because you like me."

He blinks but he can't fight my grip. "Yea, obviously."

"Well I was worried too!" I head butt him and he releases me, falling onto his back in a strange manner. I didn't hit him very hard but he sure can ham it up. I get to my feet and I'm so worked up I start jabbering, not bothering to stop even when Yuna walks in. "All I could think about was how bad I felt for hurting your feelings. It nearly broke my heart when you looked at me like that. I never ever wanted to hurt you." He's sitting up trying to motion for me to calm down but instead I kneel down and grab his hand. "I didn't understand before, but I've always liked you Wakka. I didn't know how much I liked you until today. I'll do anything, anything, to prove it to you so please give me a chance."

I'm not sure what he's more embarrassed about, Lulu listening or Yuna walking in… but I know he's not sure where to start. So I touch his chin again. "Please, look only at me."

His mouth clamps shut and his cheeks heat up as he turns around so no one can look at his face. "Okay, just… stop staring at me for a minute."

Yuna moves to sit next to Lulu and she's smiling her brightest. "Oh, Tidus, I'm so happy you figured it out. I had a feeling you two liked each other."

"What? Really?" That would mean she thought I liked Wakka way before I even figured it out myself. "How can you tell?"

"Come on. You guys are practically inseparable." Even Lu laughs. I have to admit that's true.

The dark haired woman pulls Yuna to her feet. "Let's give them some space. They obviously need some time alone." Lulu… the master of knowing what to say without caring who knows it. The two girls leave the room and the silence that follows is only momentary.

I pounce on the bigger man and he topples over, not expecting the attack. He's laying on the floor on his back as I look down at him. His face has returned to normal. "I'm telling the truth Wakka. I like you. I'm not pretending and I'm not confused. I really like you."

His hand shoots up to grab my neck and he pulls me down to his mouth, kissing me sideways until I can't breathe. It's a different kiss than earlier like he has to prove a point and I almost can't handle it when I feel his tongue enter my mouth for a brief wet lap. I pull away in surprise and wipe the saliva from my lips.

Rolling over so he can sit up he's starting to look more like a hungry animal than the bashful human I saw earlier. His eyes are blazing. "That's what it's going to be like if you let me do it… I won't hold back forever."

I just smile. "You're not going to scare me away this time. I meant what I said." This time I kiss him gently, not letting it get too intense and he seems to relax at the tender touch. I think he's finally giving into his feelings and accepting mine too. I want to prove to him that I want this to last so I won't give into his taunts. "Ever since I showed up on the island you've been there for me Wakka. I didn't realize how much until now and I know I need you. So please, look only at me."

He kisses me again of his own free will, tender and soft this time, and I know he's letting me in. "Okay, I believe you…" His breathing is labored and he rests his forehead on mine as we sit together. "I believe you, so don't go running through the streets. Okay?"

Laughing, I nod in agreement. "I promise. If you want to tell, I'll be here. And if you want to keep it a secret, I'll still be here with you." For a moment he looks like he might get teary eyed, heaving a breath before calming down. I touch his cheek, feeling the stubbles of his beard and memorizing the feeling. "Are you okay?"

His hand touches mine. "Better than okay." We kiss until the candle dies out.