If there's one thing that Scarlet can't make clearer, it's that he fucking hates Sun and Neptune. And has pretty much since he first met them.
Not because they're bad people or anything—though Sun is a bit of a kleptomaniac even at the best of times, and Neptune can't keep a secret to save his life—but because they're insufferable. And Scarlet can't stand insufferable.
He has never met two people so obviously hot for each other that do nothing about it. And the strain it puts on Scarlet absolutely fucking drives him insane.
He is the mother of their team. Any time Sun scrapes his knee, he literally comes crying to Scarlet to fix it. Sage doesn't do shit without getting Scarlet's permission, and Neptune tells him everything. Scarlet manages grades, deals with Sun being a dumbass, and makes sure everyone does what they're supposed to, that they're training, that they're working hard.
Dealing with Sun and Neptune's friend zone issue is one straw too many.
Sage gets it, thank Dust, and agrees when Scarlet tells him they're going to fix it. Which is really good for Scarlet, because his plans suck. Neptune's their strategist for good reason.
So at three in the morning, he rolls out of bed and shakes Sage awake. There is no need for that—Sage is already up, and scrambles to his feet as soon as he sees Scarlet. Sage sways unsteadily, and Scarlet prays he won't fall—Sage is tall, much more muscular than the rest of their teammates. If he falls, Scarlet will not be able to catch him.
As usual, Sun and Neptune are sleeping in the same bed. Sun's clingy as fuck—when he saw Neptune dancing with the Schnee girl at the dance and realized Neptune was enjoying himself, Scarlet honestly thought their problem would be solved by the morning. Too optimistically as it turned out, because Sun had just latched onto the Faunus Neptune was constantly whining about with a fervor that made his attachment to Neptune look like nothing. But any other day, as soon as Neptune's eyes are closed, Sun's crashing next to him regardless of where they are. And if Sun passes out first, Neptune will fuck around the dorm until he thinks they are all asleep, and then curl up next to Sun. Which would be adorable if they weren't a bunch of assholes.
Scarlet grabs the desk chairs and sets them in the middle of the room—and woah, Beacon dorms are weird. In Mistral they have apartments, and furnish them themselves. The generic look—same furniture, same layout—of every dorm he'd seen bothers him. And the furniture is uncomfortable as fuck. Even Sun's stupid bean bags are more comfortable.
It wasn't, he'd told Sage when the larger boy had brought it up, homesickness.
Sage grabs Sun first, and by some miracle Sun stays drooling until Scarlet prods him with the end of a pen. Neptune wakes the moment Sage picks him up, but he just blinks at them as his eyes seek out a clock.
"N—Nep…? Oh, what the fuck Scarlet!"
"Couldn't we just do this from the bed?" Neptune yawns, scowling up at Sage as he slumps into the chair.
"You two could, but I've got shit to say and you're gonna listen."
"Couldn't this wait?"
"No! As soon as you're both sentient you start saying stupid shit and doing stupider shit and I swear to Dust if you assholes lie to me again I'm going to cut your tongues out and beat you to death with your own weapons!" They know the issue is bad when Scarlet is yelling at them at three in the morning after just having woken. Scarlet is not a morning person in any sense of the word.
"How the fuck are you so awake right now?" Sage grumbles, dropping down onto Scarlet's bed with a huff.
"You can go back to bed if you want." Scarlet says, calmer, studying his partner critically. Since they'd arrived at Beacon, they'd stayed to themselves—which is entirely Scarlet's fault, but whatever—and just relaxed, so Sage wasn't physically exhausted. And he hadn't stayed up all that late either.
"Oh, like hell I'm gonna miss this." Sage snorts, and he flashes Scarlet one of his rare, wide grins as he lifts his head. The movement is so sudden, so sharp, that Sage nearly loses his balance and crashes to the floor.
He is being very clumsy today, Scarlet notes. Sage is usually very graceful, more so than even Sun with his extra appendage.
"Miss what?" Neptune demands, as irritable as Scarlet had thought he'd be, and Scarlet turns his attention to the issue at hand.
"You two. I'm gonna make this as clear as I can. I've got a helluva lot more to do than listen to you two whine about each other, so we're finishing this now."
Sage laughs aloud, and a smirk plays around Scarlet's mouth, when Sun and Neptune both shoot each other identical betrayed looks.
"No—not like that, dumbasses. Sun, the Faunus girl you're going after isn't into you. Neptune, drop the bitch."
"Okay, I know you haven't met them yet, but please don't call—"
"Neptune, I will gag you."
"Kinky." Scarlet kicks Sun's knee in response, not hard enough to do any serious damage. Sun promptly starts carrying on like he'd broken something, until he sees the look Sage is leveling at him.
"Do you actually do that?" Sun asks, sounding as if he isn't quite sure he wanted to know the answer. Or who it was he is asking.
No, they don't, but Sun doesn't know that. Scarlet opens his mouth to respond, but Sun's expression suddenly changes and he jerks to his feet, eyes narrow.
"How the fuck do you know Blake's a Faun—Neptune!"
"I will sit on you, Sun." He warns. As it always does, Sun's gaze drops to his chest, then the floor. As awkward as a twelve-year-old, he is. Scarlet kicks him again for good measure, but Sun sits down and refuses to look at either of them, choosing not to speak.
"I know everything. I'm fucking god, you dumbasses. I also know that the bitch was part of the White Fang. I also know she's got the hots for the blonde bitch." His language is offending Sun, he realizes. A pang of guilt runs through him—Sage has been telling him for a while he needs to work on his hostility problems—but nothing serious enough to make him apologize. Now, anyway. If this works, he'll apologize later.
"Okay, what? You haven't met them!" Sun looks wounded.
Which was sort of true. They have never been introduced, but only because Sun and Neptune run off as soon as they see them and refuse to bring he and Sage with them. So the two of them end up standing five feet away and staring at the spectacle—and it was always a spectacle—Sun caused.
It is offensive. But that is part of the problem—until they had a nice hard fuck, Scarlet knew full well their behavior would continue. They were too scared of letting the other get close to anyone other than themselves, for fear of losing them. Not only with each other, but with their teammates. If Scarlet was talking to anyone other than Sage—which never happened, but whatever—one of the two would crash the party and drag Scarlet off before he could get a word out.
And holy fuck is he sick of it.
"I see them all the fucking time. I have classes with them, dumbass. But that's besides the point. Stop distracting me." Sage giggles at that. Honest to Dust giggles.
All three of them look at him, and Scarlet steps forward, running his fingers though Sage's hair before pressing his hand against the green-haired boy's forehead. Is he running a temperature?
No…nothing—he is fine. Just acting…drunk.
Like he has been all night.
Shit.
Scarlet's hand falls and he turns to face his other teammates. He is going to have to hurry this up. Drunk Sage is stupid Sage, and he doesn't want him to do anything extremely bad.
"Alright assholes, get over yourselves. I'm sick of listening and hearing you two go after each other and the other not realize it 'cuz you're stupid as a pair of doorknobs. You're affecting the team and your friends and holy fuck I'm sick of it. Go fuck already for Dust's sake!" He could probably be wording this more elegantly. Or less offensively. Less swearing would help, too, but…he can't bring himself to care. With the Festival just around the corner, his nerves are already shot. Stress has never affected him well.
Neptune's face flushes a deep red, but he doesn't protest. Sun is the one to fight it, jumping back to his feet and trying to stammer some shit about Scarlet lying—
So he does the only sensible thing left to do, the only thing he knows will seriously kick the two of them into action.
He grabs Neptune's shirt, hauls him to his feet, and kisses him hard on the lips.
Sun flips his fucking shit in exactly point two seconds, but Sage intervenes before Sun gets close enough to punch Scarlet.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing, you son of a bitch—" Sage slams Sun up against the wall, one arm to his throat and the other holding him up so he doesn't fall. Sage is nice, whether he was probably-drunk and half-asleep or not. Scarlet scowls at Neptune, spits into a nearby trashcan. His eyes are wide as saucers, as if he'd just been slapped.
"That was the most disgusting thing I've ever done with you." Scarlet growls, and shudders. He has done many things with his team, but kissing Neptune easily tops his list of grossest things ever done. Not because Neptune is a bad kisser, but because it's Neptune. Not really like a brother, in the sense most would think of, but still stuck in that region of 'never wanting to touch sexually ever'.
"Why the fuck—" And Neptune stammers, splutters as his gaze flickers between his teammates.
"Look at how Sun's reacting right now, Nep. If he was just your friend, he wouldn't be trying to claw my face off. He's just pissed 'cuz he's not the one sticking his tongue down your throat. Now solve your shit. I'm going to go sober Sage up." Sage whines at that, tries to protest.
It takes a little bit to pull Sage off of Sun, and get him out of the dorm, because he is too focused on whining at Scarlet. But when they leave, Sun and Neptune are staring at each other, both of them red as tomatoes, and Scarlet is happy because he knows when they get back things will have changed.
Unfortunately, it is three in the morning. And while there is an academy-run coffee shop open this early, Scarlet is in his pajamas—shorts and a tanktop, chest entirely unbound—and Sage is wearing what could possibly pass as swim trunks if one didn't look too closely.
Fortunately, a white-haired man in green lets them in without so much as a second glance, and Scarlet gets to work.
Sage isn't one to get drunk easily, and sobering him up takes longer. Especially when he wants to pass out every three minutes, only to wake up mumbling about the fuckery going on in their dorm room and how weird Scarlet looks and how he wants to go into town tomorrow and can he have a donut please?
"Where did you even get the alcohol? Beacon's really fucking child-safe." Scarlet finally asks, nudging Sage awake with his shoulder.
Sage sits up, only to slump against Scarlet.
"Love you."
"That doesn't answer my question, you oaf."
"Love you." Sage repeats, nuzzling against him.
Scarlet scowls at him, but doesn't press it.
Across the coffee shop, Scarlet sees the white-haired man shoot them an amused look, and then return his attention to his scroll and mug of coffee.
His team may be a pain in his ass, he thinks, running his fingers through Sage's hair, but he loves them. He wouldn't put up with them otherwise.
When they get back in the morning, Sun and Neptune are gone. But the atmosphere is so much more relaxed, Scarlet damn near weeps in relief. But he blames that on his exhaustion.
It's eight in the morning and he has been up for the past five hours. Sage is snoring on his bed with his arms wrapped firmly around Scarlet's waist. It has been a good night.
If only every problem could be solved so easily.
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So. New writing style attempt. Sort of, anyway. All of these will be—this is gonna be a series of oneshots about them, headcannons will stay consistent no matter what happens in the actual series. So each will be different, experimental, I guess. I want to play around, and I can't think of a better group to do so with than some of my all-time favorite characters ever ;3
Ozpin is EVERYWHERE…..Lol.
Thank you for reading, anyway :D Hope you enjoy/enjoyed it!