Illusions

Author's note: I really love to explore the much darker sides of this ship, so this will be really angsty, but also loving. ItaSasu/SasuIta AU. Many thanks to my beta May.

Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. - The Others

He wouldn't say he couldn't handle being alone.

He needed the empty space, the time to think and be with no one. When he came home from work, he followed the usual routine: throwing his shoes off, closing all the curtains and finally easing himself into relaxation. His small apartment was not giving him room to miss anyone.

And no one was missing him.

It was just another day of nothingness, nothing to think about. He made his way to the bedroom and changed into comfortable clothes, throwing his work attire in a corner. He closed the blinds to leave the room in dusk. He utterly despised the bright, sharp light outside. It hurt his eyes and made him want to hide. He couldn't wait until darkness swallowed the sun and the moon conquered again.

He lay down on the single bed, closing his eyes in exhaustion. He didn't care that the rough linen hurt his neck and the cheap mattress he got secondhand was rugged and uneven. He could have been lying on the pavement for all he cared, but here he wouldn't be disturbed.

Soon... He clenched his fists and unclenched them a moment later, over and over. He felt his nails scrape against his palms and bit his tongue hard. Heavy emotions rolled over him, but he kept himself afloat in the sea of anguish.

Just as he had expected, he heard someone enter the room. Light steps padded along the worn floorboards.

Sasuke clutched the duvet beneath his body, forcing himself to breathe slowly. His heart was beating all the way out to his fingertips.

"You're here."

A light touch against his cheek, soft as a feather. Someone brushed his messy hair out of his face with utmost gentleness. Sasuke opened his eyes and relief spread throughout his body as his hands relaxed.

But his older brother shook his head slowly, his long hair moving about his shoulders. There was an expression in his eyes that he couldn't bear to see.

Sasuke frowned at him. "Stop that. Come and lie with me."

Itachi did as he was asked, like always, and they snuggled up together on the narrow bed. Sasuke leaned his head against the other's shoulder, feeling like a child again. Itachi stroked his forehead slowly, slowly, until the younger boy was eased into a light, carefree slumber. It was easy now to forget about the day's torment and fall to rest, protected in his brother's embrace.

When Sasuke woke up later, curled up among the blankets, Itachi was sitting comfortably at the end of the bed, looking at him. Stunningly godlike with his dark hair flowing around him, his stoic face was just as enticing as the younger could remember. Those deep tear troughs only seemed to enhance the sadness in his eyes.

Sasuke moved closer, reaching up and pressing their lips together with fervor. He could feel the other run his fingers through his hair and pull him closer until they were pressed flush against each other. Sasuke wrapped his arms around him, holding him in a vice grip as he kissed him hard.

A chill went down his spine - coldness. Itachi's side of the bed was untouched.

Sasuke cared for nothing else in the world. He was a piece that could only fit together with his brother. His need was a burning flame that could never be put out, burning even through the coldest ice. In moments like these, he liked to see reality as something… unnecessary. He could do without it.

Light and shadows outside shifted, a golden tint of bright light flowed into the room from between the curtains. Itachi must have opened them. But far too soon, the light faded away and the room was dusky again. The change of light brought a heavy feeling.

Itachi visited him sometimes. Sasuke never knew when, but when he did, everything was just like before. Their own private act – reenacting old times.

Sometimes, they spoke with each other. About what, he couldn't clearly recall. Small talk and deep conversations, it was as easy as breathing. The strongest experience that lingered in Sasuke's memory was the feeling of floating freely; having nothing to hold onto, then feeling another pair of lips meet his own and ground him again.

But when he opened his eyes, he was alone, and felt even colder than before.

When Itachi was there, Sasuke would clutch him to his chest, hold onto him as tightly as he could. Only his brother's tender voice and his soft hand, wiping his tears away, could soothe him.

Itachi would always pull away, eventually, giving him that sad smile that made Sasuke furious. He would end up in a frenzy, and the worse it got, the more his brother seemed to fade away.

Even now, after Itachi gently detangled their bodies and pulled away, Sasuke had thrown all his belongings around in overwhelming rage. He had bit into his hands and screamed into his pillow in the vivid despair that was swallowing him whole. He ended up lying sprawled out on the mattress with tears running down his pale face. When he was too tired to scream, he could feel him near.

A cold hand was touching his face again, moving his wet bangs out of his eyes. A finger caressed his dry lips, wiping away the blood, and Sasuke's eyes widened. He curled together into a fetal position on the bed, staring at nothing.

"Go away."

He had done everything he could to numb it, but the feeling of having his insides cut open with razors wouldn't disappear. Itachi wouldn't disappear. He kept coming around, and Sasuke would never let him go. It was an endless spiral of addiction; the tighter Sasuke held onto him, the more Itachi tried to leave.

He rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. "At least kiss me."

Closing his eyes, he felt himself holding his breath. The moment Itachi's lips touched his own he exhaled into him, feeling alive. It was like he had been underwater for too long; suddenly he could breathe again.

Their lips molded, cool moisture and hot dryness colliding, and the familiar smell of Itachi filled Sasuke's senses to the brim. When he opened his eyes, a familiar pair of deep, dark orbs stared back into his own. He was here. The relief spread through his veins.

Sasuke felt something moist run down his cheeks, and when Itachi kissed him again he raised his hand to wipe it away. His brother caught his wrist and held it gently in place. Sasuke found himself reaching up, pulling him closer. The other man's lips were slowly moving down his chin and neck, leaving butterfly-like touches around his collarbones.

The elder suddenly stopped, and the blissful feeling turned cold.

"Don't stop." Sasuke couldn't hide the panic in his voice. "Just hold me." Itachi pressed his lips against his skin again, this time with more certainty. But the unsteady expression in his eyes was still there.

"Nii-san." Now it was the younger's turn to gently take a hold of his brother and stop him in his movements. "Are you crying?"

The warm wetness against his skin told him what the elder couldn't express. Itachi encircled him in his arms, pressing their foreheads together. In moments like these, the entire universe existed in perfection. Itachi was holding him again. He was there, so close, and more real than Sasuke could ever remember. It was all he needed to live.

He could feel his breath caress his face as he exhaled. The dark, silky strands of hair hanging loosely around his celestial face were as soft as he could remember, so smooth beneath his fingertips. Those endless eyes, whose depth Sasuke could get completely lost in, were looking at him. Itachi was the image of perfection, and Sasuke was just a beholder.

"Kiss me."

"… As you wish, little brother."

The voice, oh the familiar voice that could awaken such a passion inside of him, the voice that always promised security and comfort – it was there. Sasuke let out an audible gasp as he latched onto the other man, holding him so tight that it hurt. He didn't care that the desperation was leaking through his voice, making it hard to breathe. "Don't leave me."

The elder pushed him back to lie on the bed, leaning over him. "I can only stay for a short while. By dawn I will be gone." The expression in his eyes was dark and serious, suffocating all hope.

He felt his shirt softly sliding off him and the rest of his clothes were neatly discarded on the floor. Itachi closed the last distance between them, and Sasuke could not speak any longer. His lips were occupied with wild kisses, becoming more hurried and passionate. His body was acting by pure instinct; his deep, wild need taking over.

The harder he could hold onto him, the better it felt. And in those moments where he was ravaging every inch of Itachi, he could see the rawest of emotions in his brother's eyes.

The last remaining daylight turned into darkness and all he could feel was the warmth of another body entangled with his, smooth and cold but so close. When the first pale morning light shone onto the intertwined bodies, bringing a new day, Sasuke was in a light slumber.

He felt the comforting warmth move out of his reach, and instinctively reached out to keep it close. But the sudden feeling of lips pressed against his forehead made him relax. As he slowly drifted off to sleep, he heard the voice again, right beside him. "Goodbye, Sasuke."

He sat up suddenly, feeling something icy cold surround him. He looked around, blinded by the sharp light. The crushing feeling of abandonment was already there.

I'm sorry. But there won't be a next time.

"No –" Sasuke bolted out of the bed, reaching for the nearest piece of clothing he saw. He stumbled around in the room as the overwhelming fear took him in an iron grip. He burst into the small hallway, ran through the few rooms and kicked the doors open. He scanned his surroundings desperately, pulling out drawers, wiping the shelves clean of their content.

For every room that turned out empty, his body started trembling more violently. Itachi's kiss – it lingered, tasteful, like dried wine on his lips.

"Come back!" He could hear himself shouting in utter desperation, turning everything over. He ended up on the floor, harsh sobs forcing their way out of his throat.

"Come back! You promised! Come back! Don't leave me!" His voice was hurting his dry throat, the words getting stuck. "Dammit! You said you'd never leave me! COME BACK! DON'T LEAVE ME –" He covered his head in his hands. "Don't leave me here alone! Come back, Itachi! You can't leave! You can't leave! Come back –"

Somewhere in between his own harsh cries and shouts, he heard quick steps approaching him.

The hope burned his heart, numbing his nerves.

"….I-I-Itachi?"

"Sasuke, calm yourself! You're going crazy, man!"

It was not him. The realization hit him like a train, and made him curl up with his arms around his legs, trying to contain the violent trembling that threatened to rip his body apart. There was nothing. There was no point.

"Sasuke, listen to me! Itachi's not here! No one has been here! "

A mixture between a sob and a growl forced its way through his teeth. "HE. WAS. HERE."

That nuisance was there, trying desperately to get a reaction from him. Sasuke didn't make any attempt to move, and felt himself being moved. The rustling of rough linen told him he was back in the bedroom. It only made the terror worse. Why hadn't the tremors torn his ribcage apart already?

Through his hazy vision, he caught sight of a glass of water standing on his bedside table, along with a familiar blister pack. He knew what it meant.

"Sasuke, I promise everything will be okay now -"

He didn't feel anything. Sasuke simply resigned himself to a lifeless body with a beating heart and empty mind. Without fussing, he let the other man give him the pills and force him to swallow them.

Then, suddenly, a shadow at the edge of his vision caught his attention. His hands reached out, grasping thin air. Each time he found nothing to hold onto, the trembling got worse. There was nothing to think about, nothing to keep him from falling over the edge. But slowly, surely, a dark, hazy fog fell over his body like a blanket.

He could hear them in the kitchen, far away, the scrambling of china and running water. A nervous voice broke through the haze:

"What's with him? He's… changed…"

Sasuke shut his eyes tightly, praying for death.

"You know what happened to his brother? Ever since Itachi passed… he's had fits of psychosis. It's getting worse … But the meds will keep him calm."

"But who has been here? Someone has pulled all the curtains apart and cleaned up the place; it's not like him."

There was a short silence. "No one was here."

Sasuke tried to sit up in the bed, but a sudden heavy feeling in his head pulled him down again.

"You are real." The complete conviction in his voice made it easier. His hands intertwined with a pair of others, which suddenly were there, reaching out for him. A pair of lips that fit his own perfectly... His consciousness was slipping away, just waiting for him to give in.

.

When they entered the bedroom, they found their old friend lying curled up on the mattress, looking almost… peaceful, for the first time in months.

"He seems really ill. I shouldn't have left him alone - " Naruto was about to take a step forward, but then his eyes widened.

"Sakura-chan! Look…"

At the end of the bed, someone was standing. Hauntingly familiar eyes stared at them for a moment, before the intruder leaned down over the sleeping figure. The man didn't make a sound. They stood there, completely frozen, and watched as he tilted Sasuke's head upwards and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. Afterwards, he pulled the blanket over him.

The deep voice made them both flinch. "He lives, and that is all I ever wanted. Besides… I have never feared death for myself."

Naruto and Sakura's gazes fell upon their friend's form, slightly trembling in his sleep, mumbling incoherently. When they looked up again, they were alone in the room.

"Sometimes, illusions are sweeter than reality. They are the only things we can control."

A/N: Thank you so much for reading! All feedback is very welcome.