Amanda Rollins was having a bad time. She constantly felt lonely and guitly. She could not stopp thinking, she was worrying about everything all the time. She craved for someone who could understand her misery, who would just hug her and tell her that everything was going to be fine. In her imagination and dreams this person was her boss, Olivia Benson. Amanda always wanted her to be that person, but during her bad times her craving for Olivia`s comfort was almost unbearable. She hated herself for this neediness. She knew that it was extremely inappropriate considering that Olivia was her Sergeant and Amanda was a grown up woman, and not a child who really needed and deserved comfort like this. Because of that Amanda tried to keep a distance to the brunette during her bad times. She was afraid she might get hurt in a time she could not handle any more pain than what she already felt daily. The bad times, how Amanda called them, which were actually depressive episodes, made her have trouble sleeping. Every night she lay in bed for hours, her thoughts keeping her awake. And when she finally drifted off to sleep she had nightmares that really upset her.
She was starring into the mirror at the dark circles that the sleepless night left on her pale face. Amanda sighed and grabbed a coffee to go from her kitchen before leaving for work. The caffeine gave her the energy she needed to get out of bed and make it through the day.
It was around eight when Amanda entered the precint. She immediately started working on paperwork. The squad room was silent except for Fin and Carisi who were having a conversation Amanda did not pay any attention to.
At eleven am Sergeant Benson called her Detectives for a meeting.
„Rollins, you'll be writing.",Liv decided and handed Amanda a pen for the white board. Olivia always wanted someone to record what they were discussing during a meeting. Amanda did not mind doing that job because it meant she would have to talk less. They started discussing their current cases and Amanda began taking notes. Unfortunately her hands were shaking. Probably from the lack of sleep and food and too much caffeine, she thought. She tried to hide it from her co-workers but they noticed anyway.
„Hey, Amanda, how much coffee have you had this morning? Your hands are shaking like crazy.", Fin asked and pointed out. Now also Carisi and Olivia were looking at Amandas trembling fingers with which she tried to write on the board.
„Okay Rollins, give the pen to Carisi and get yourself something to eat.", Liv told her.
Of course Amanda started protesting:
„That's not necessary, Sergeant, I'm fine." Amanda did not want to seem weak.
„Don't argue!" Olivia said. The blonde sighed, handed the pen to her collegue and sat down with Fin and Liv. For a short moment her Sergeant was watching Amanda intensely, but then she just went on with the meeting.