Things Get Complicated
-by zero0000-
-Chapter One-
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, there would be a lot more blood and gore. Mostly on account of everyone would have been carrying guitar cases full of automatic weapons instead of those puny little ninja pouches with silly stuff like kunai and shuriken.
xxx
In vino veritas
(In wine, there is truth)
Hyuuga Hiashi's head was pounding like it got hit with a sledgehammer. Now, this really wasn't a common occurrence. The clan head blinked furiously to knock the sleep out of his vision and somehow recreate the situations of last night.
His memory was a blank. Not good.
Usually when mornings were concerned, Hiashi would be up by the crack of four in the morning, have his daily six cups of coffee and maybe spar with Neji. It was his routine (boring as it was) and people his age just did not do well with deviating from a set routine. He looked around and frowned at the sight of early morning sunlight pouring through the blinds. From the looks of things, it was at least nine in the morning, the way the light was tilted in the particular angle—
Wait, did his room even have blinds? Hiashi never recalled putting blinds in the Hyuuga mansion's master bedroom, so it puzzled him to think just how in the hell there were blinds here. Lavender eyes looked around the room, opening wide when he saw the clothes scattered all over the place. Oh damn, he thought. I'm in another person's apartment…
"Oh…what hit me?"
The clan head turned to his left, at a slowly moving mass of brownish curls and creamy white skin. The (presumably) woman's head turned to the right, revealing the sleep-soaked face of Yuuhi Kurenai. "Oh crap," Hiashi cursed aloud. This was not good. Definitely not good. Scarlet eyes opened, meeting white. Lungs filled with breath, mouths opened to scream.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
xxx
"Hiashi are you all right?"
The clan head snapped out of his reverie, surprised that he was even out of focus for even a moment. The Hyuuga council meetings were possibly the most boring affairs in Fire Country, so it was no surprise that even the most determined clan member would nod off every once in a while. Still, Hyuuga Hiashi prided himself with being able to withstand even the most torturously boring moments of the weekly gatherings.
Okay so maybe he might not quite put it that way, but this is my fic and I'll write it the way I want, damn it!
Anyway. Back to the story.
"You all right m'boy?" a grandfatherly type Hyuuga asked. "You look like hell. You sure you're sleeping okay?" Hiashi frowned again, annoyed that for some reason the clan elders were rounding up on him. "I thank you for your concern," he said "But I assure you that I'm all right."
The old men looked doubtful, and began pointing out the many reasons why Hiashi shouldn't have been all right. The clan head struggled to mask his irritation, for once bothered by the Byakugan's ability to read emotions.
"You've always been working too hard."
"Always sticking your head in clan matters."
Irritated, the clan head failed to mask his irritation when he said "thank you for your concern but I assure you that I'm fine!" inciting the ire of the old men of the clan. Needless to say, a full dose of the Byakugan Death Glare™ fired from six directions was not one of the most comforting sights on the planet. Hiashi rethought his strategy, choosing (wisely) to shut his pie hole.
"…sorry."
"As we were saying," Hiashi's second uncle twice removed said, switching off his bloodline "the clan head needs to be in tip top shape, physically and mentally to be able to be effective in matters of clan governance."
"What your uncle is saying is that you've become so anally retentive we think you deserve a break!" laughed another grandfatherly type. "Chill!" The others joined him in his merriment, annoying the clan head even more. Chill indeed, Hiashi snorted inwardly. What kind of elder says such words anyway? He sounds like a bloody teenager for crying out loud!
When the laughter died down, one of the elders spoke to a branch house member standing guard. "Tomo, be a good boy and fetch Neji for us." The branch house member, a twenty-something chuunin, bowed low and formally.
"At once, Elder."
Hiashi pressed a pair of fingers on the bridge of his nose, using his superior ninja concentration skills to fight the building migraine in the base of his head. Little did he know, this day was bound to go from bad, worse, to gale force shit storms.
All over Konoha a sense of impending doom fell upon the populace.
xxx
Hyuuga Neji was one of the village's youngest jounin, also one of the most psychologically challenged. It wasn't common knowledge that he saw a psychiatrist regularly (actually not so much when you consider his childhood) and spent two hours of every week in a comfortable chair, spilling his guts to a total stranger. Of course, most of the one hundred twenty minute discourses revolve only on extended elaborations of a single sentence consisting of six words.
"It's all the Main House's fault."
Yes, Neji had issues. He had lots of them indeed. Though the repetitive therapies had not been a total waste. Once, the Hokage decided on impulse to play a recording of one of those sessions in the presence of a rather stubborn Sound shinobi. The village's best interrogators led by Morino Ibiki had failed on repeated attempts to derive information from the captured ninja. After the tape finished playing though, he begged in tears and on his knees for the opportunity to cooperate with the Leaf, ending the request with a plea for suitable facilities with which to kill himself with.
Neji had issues all right. Lots of them.
"Neji-san, the Elders wish to speak with you."
The Hyuuga prodigy turned around with the Byakugan Death Glare™ powered up and forced his annoyance down when he found himself faced with a branch house member he hung out with sometimes. Muttering a quick apology to a fellow oppressed branch house member, he left in the direction of the meeting hall.
How he hated the Main House. How he hated them all.
It took him a good five minutes to reach the meeting hall. A five minutes he could have spent training. Or harassing Hinata (wait, she's on a mission. Right…). The prodigy bowed formally to the elders before shooting his uncle a quick Death Glare™ before he sat on the tatami, a little over six feet to his left. "You called for me?" Neji inquired.
"Neji my boy, would you consider yourself a young, vibrant jounin?"
The teen blinked, unsure of even how to respond to the question. He had been prepared to defend his sanity against the ramblings of these old coots who had been responsible for most of the suffering he endured in his life. These were they, these were them, the very manifestations of the main house's oppressive power. How he would have loved to take them down in a contest of intellects. He was a genius, damn it, what couldn't he do?
But since none of that material even remotely resembled the question, Neji just did the one thing that would count as a valid response, and in so doing set the doped up wheels of Deus Ex Machina spinning.
He said yes.
The elders' eyes brightened as they started chatting excitedly among themselves. "Neji," the prodigy's second uncle four times removed began "I'm sure you've noticed that your uncle Hiashi here isn't exactly the most sociable person on the country. We have decided in a unanimous vote that he needs to spend some time away from matters involving the clan and focus on himself."
"I see that, but…" Neji began, Inner Neji saying "What the fuck! He's already too wrapped up in himself, the bastard!" in between. "…what does this have to do with me?"
"The council has decided to elect you to show your uncle around the town. I'm sure as a vibrant, young jounin, you would be the best person for the job."
To say that Neji was taken aback by the clan's decision would be an understatement. To say that he was shocked, would be an understatement still. To say that he pulled a classic pretty-bishounen move and fainted in the middle of the clan council however, was pretty much on the dot.
Thud.
The elders stared intently at Neji's unconscious form, their pale unblinking eyes still marred by disbelief. "Pussy," someone coughed. The elders turned to see Hiashi, consciously trying to project a "what the hell did I do now?" look. "Even at middle age you're still a juvenile," Hiashi's fifth uncle said. The others nodded in agreement.
"Anyway, the elders are in agreement. Hiashi, you will be escorted by Neji in some of Konoha's jounin watering holes. Hopefully we'll get you drunk enough that the hangover would force you into an extended vacation. Is this clear?"
"Don't I have a choice in this matter?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"That's cause were elders. We can do these things.."
"Ah. Right."
That evening uncle and nephew found themselves traversing the streets of Konoha at nine in the evening. Honestly, Neji didn't really have any semblance of a night life. His job as jounin was pretty time consuming in itself, added to the fact that he was pretty obsessed with training 24/7. Sure he went on those weekly jounin gatherings at that place with the grill in the middle of the table (you know, that place) but other than that his social life was pretty much…nil.
But do you think he'd admit that? Hell no!
So, while giving the impression of leading Hiashi to this one bar he knew that would really be swinging (is it even cool to say that anymore?), Neji was actually searching for one decent looking one just so he could get this bloody evening over and done with. A few minutes of scanning the buildings and he found a sign that looked promising. It read "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot." Okay. That sounded a little bit cool. Neji led them both to the door where an intimidating shinobi with a familiar looking cloak was standing as bouncer.
"I'd like to see some ID," the bouncer said, addressing Neji. Hiashi went ahead, since obviously he was above the age of consent while Neji dug around his pockets for some ID. "I'm going on ahead," Hiashi said. "Meet me at the bar and try not to embarrass me too badly."
The Hyuuga prodigy frowned. "Stupid pockets always…aha!" he said, holding up a card identifying him as a member of the Konoha Jounin corps. The bouncer glanced through it and said ""You're a minor. Can't let you in."
"What!"
"You're a minor, can't let you in. Get it yet!"
Neji was flabbergasted. He was jounin for crying out loud! Most shinobi don't even live past the age of thirty and this moron was going to make him stay outside just because he was sixteen! Unbelievable! "I'm old enough to fight a war and I'm not even old enough to drink?" the Hyuuga seethed. "Is that what you're telling me?" The familiar-looking bouncer nodded. "Yeah that pretty much sums it up," he stated.
"Let me in."
"No."
"Let me in."
"No."
"Let me in."
"No."
"Let me in."
"No."
"Let me in."
"No."
"Let me in."
"No."
"Let me in."
"No."
"Let me in."
"No."
"Damn it!"
"Still no."
Neji's Byakugan flared on as his anger grew past the boiling point. It was about then that the bouncer stepped out of the shadows and into the neon lighting, revealing his face and clothes to the young jounin. Neji's eyes widened in horror at who he saw.
"Itachi!" he said, incredulous. "What the hell are you doing back in Konoha! And why are you the bouncer?" Itachi shrugged his shoulders. "Being a missing nin is getting a bit too expensive for me," he admitted. "Plus Akatsuki really doesn't pay that much anymore since the last company downsizing."
"B-but…"
"Why the hell not? Pay's good. You should see Kisame. He's the bartender."
Itachi's a bouncer and Kisame's a bartender? What the hell was happening with this planet! Neji wondered to himself as he ran his fingers through his perfectly conditioned hair. "I'll need a drink just to be able to handle that," he said, and tried to open the door to the inside of the bar. Itachi's arm prevented him from doing so.
"What the hell is it now!"
"Minor. Can't let you in."
"I don't believe this…"
xxx
What the hell is taking that imbecile so long! Hiashi said to himself. He had been nursing the same cup of liquor for thirty minutes, unsure of what to do with a cocktail called the "Adios Motherfucker." "You know," the decidedly shark-like bartender was saying "that thing isn't going to drink itself." The clan head nodded in apology, saying "I'm sorry, but I'm waiting for someone."
The bartender nodded sagely, cleaning a shot glass with his rag. "Aren't we all?" he said. "We walk through most of life alone and waiting in vain for that one person who'll make every moment worth living. But alas and alack, the journey is long and hard and not many people will find waiting agreeable with--"
"No, I'm literally waiting for my companion."
"Ah, of course. Carry on."
Hiashi watched the bartender move past him, all the time wondering what that weird-looking object with a handle on his back was and why it needed to be covered in bandages. He shuddered. Perhaps the atmosphere of this place wasn't doing him the good he thought it was. Or rather what the elders thought. Damn those elders. Why can't they just die off like normal old people! His glass went up to his lip and he recoiled when he smelled how potent the mixture was. What the hell do they put in this stuff? Gasoline? He asked the bartender and he gave him a look that said "you don't want to know."
Hiashi relented, and let his eyes wander. There was quite a number of shinobi in the room and spotted quite a few he recognized. He was about to wave a hand in greeting when he stopped mid motion and decided such behavior was beneath him. Good heavens, he was the Hyuuga clan head for crying out loud! He shouldn't be spending the evening in some crummy bar in the middle of Konoha's red light district! Hiashi dropped his head in his hands, restraining the urge to weep.
Things couldn't possibly get any worse…
Little did Hiashi realize that the great and glorious zero0000, Overlord of the Fic and Drinker of the Coffee was listening intently to his every thought. Oh things were going to get worse all right. Yes indeed, he was in for the night of his life…
xxx
"Is that Hyuuga Hiashi?"
Hatake Kakashi looked up from his now empty plate, ignoring the fact that Mitarashi Anko was now staring at him like a googley-eyed school girl. He trained his single eye at the figure hunched at the bar and nodded. "Wonder if we should ask him to join us?" he drawled. Maito Gai raised his fist in the air, saying "yes! All shinobi should band together in the celebration of the summer of youth!"
Sarutobi Asuma raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure he even wants to hang out with us?" he asked. "You have to admit, he's pretty big of a recluse. I don't know if he'll even appreciate being around people he considers below him." A backhanded slap on the back of the head made him yell in pain. Yuuhi Kurenai gave him a disapproving look. "That's low Asuma. Even for you." The jounin lit another cigarette and tch'ed in irritation.
Shizune sipped her tea (tell me, who the hell drinks tea in a bar?) and furrowed her brow. "Well," she began. "However he reacts its still not nice for anybody to be alone on such a wonderful night. Perhaps Gai has a point in his suggestion." The spandex-clad taijutsu specialist burst into tearful weeping.
"Shizune, flower of Konoha!" he crooned. "Your words bring such joy to this old jaded heart of mine!" as he attempted to actually hug the medical ninja, Gai was met with a facefull of pepper spray and a Taser shot in the groin. As Gai writhed on the floor, Shizune took another sip of her tea. "Sorry," she stated. "But I'm allergic to green spandex wearing taijutsu specialists." Everyone else nodded sagely.
Kurenai shook her head. "Well one of us should go up to him and ask him if he wants to join us," she said, but was met with blank looks. "Oh come on! Don't be like that!" the kunoichi frowned. "Shizune, I bet you're sociable enough to go up to the guy."
The medical ninja nodded. "I guess there's nothing to lose in…wait a minute." She looked outside the window concentrating on something in the skies. A huge searchlight beacon was waving around the clouds with a single kanji displayed on the center. It read "pig." "It's the Shizune signal!" the medic exclaimed, making the others' jaws drop. "Sorry! Gotta go! The Hokage needs me!" Without warning the kunoichi pulled out a grappling hook launcher from her utility belt and zipped up through the sky light.
"Okay…" Kakashi drawled, putting down his empty beer stein. "What in the hell was that?" Asuma nodded thoughtfully. "I never noticed she was wearing a utility belt. Are we even allowed utility belts?" Kurenai shook her head in disbelief.
"So I guess you'll have to go up to Hiashi then, Asuma."
"Why?"
"Because I said so."
"Oh fine," the jounin said in resignation. "Let me just finish this stick here…" Asuma took a drag, and suddenly he was shaking with violent spasms. A group of white-coated medics carrying a stretcher burst into the bar and ran frantically to where Asuma was lying. A nurse pressed a stethoscope on his chest and held it there for a few minutes. "This man in the advanced stages of an S-class tuberculosis!" the nurse declared. "And he has lung cancer!"
As the medics dragged Asuma away to the sound of an ambulance siren, Kurenai pinched the bridge of her nose. "Well," she admitted "it was going to happen sooner or later. Guess that leaves you two, Kakashi and An…" the kunoichi blinked and blinked again. Anko was forcibly trying to pry Kakashi's tonsils off with her tongue.
Ew.
Irritated, Kurenai threw her hands in the air. "Fine! I'll go ask him if we can join us!" She grabbed a random shot glass and forced it down to give her strength. The kunoichi wavered for a moment, surprised at the strength of the shot.
The kunoichi was already on her way to the bar when Anko came up for air and lit a cigarette. She reached for her drink and found it gone from the table. "Kakashi honey," Anko asked. "Did you take my drink?"
"Uh no. You were kinda cleaning out my throat with your tongue."
"Oh dear."
"Why?"
"Cause I ordered an Adios Motherfucker. Triple strength."
"Then I hope Kurenai can handle her liquor then."
"She can't. Why do you think she ordered the orange juice?"
The silver-haired jounin blinked and noted the half touched glass of OJ on the booth. "Wow," Kakashi said. "This is going to be one interesting conversation I think."
xxx
A/N: Hello all. Again I'm back in the realm of humor fics. This is the first attempt I had at pairing Hyuuga Hiashi with anyone. Actually this is the only fic I've seen Hiashi paired off at all. Cool.
Anyway, hope this takes off. Been writing too much action lately and I wanted to get these humor juices off my system so I can concentrate on CBM. Don't worry, I got this entire fic planned out too.
Another note: the Adios Motherfucker is an actual, real world cocktail. Still have no idea how its made so I can't give you any more details. If anybody out there knows what it is, then please tell me cause I'm dying to know.
Toodles. Please review.