Final Fantasy Infinity: Wedge and Biggs

A small fleet of ships, somewhere in the oceans of Gaia Infinity:

Aboard the main ship, two guards, covered from head to toe in plate armor, were standing to either side of a door. Their dark, unadorned armor left only their chins unexposed. They looked identical, except for the fact one of them was broader than the other. Both carried bayonet-like weapons.

The ship rocked gently on the waves. The sun shone brightly, the sea breeze blew playfully. It was a beautiful day, overall. On the decks below, other, similarly equipped soldiers also stood guard. A few sailors scurried about, but otherwise everything was silent and quiet.

Then, the broad-shouldered guard picked up his weapon and put it on his shoulder.

Then he shifted it to the other shoulder.

A few seconds later, he strapped it to his back.

Only to pull it out seconds later and rest it on the deck, holding it with both hands.

Then with one.

Then he put it on his left shoulder-
-"Dammit, Biggs, what are you doing??" the guard next to him, on the other side of door frame, snapped under his breath.
-"Huh??" The broad soldier responded. "What do you mean?"
-"Why are you fidgeting around with your weapon like that?"
-"Umm, I'm not-"
-"Yes you are! Now cut it out before somebody notices! Guards are supposed to stand still!"
-"Oh. Okay" Biggs said, and settled for resting the bayonet in front of him.

For a few seconds, both soldiers stood perfectly still.

Then Biggs started scratching the left side of his chin.

Then he scratched the right side.

Then he went back to the left side-
-"What is it now, Biggs?? The other soldier snapped again.
-"Huh? What do you mean?" Biggs asked again.

The other soldier took a deep breath. "Ok, Biggs. What's bothering you?"
-"Nothing, Wedge. Really."
-"…Biggs, we've known each other for a long time. I can tell when something bothers you. What is it this time?"
-"…Well… I don't really know. I just have a- a bad feeling, I guess…"
-"A feeling? About what?"
-"…I dunno. Just a feeling."
-"And since when are you Psychic? Do you have ANY practical reason to worry?"
-"No, but…"
-"But what?" Wedge insisted.
-"…Every time we get a big job, like this one, something always goes wrong!"
-"That's not true" Wedge countered.
-"Yes it is! Remember back in Mysidia?"
-"And? It's a town of magicians, Biggs- they get in trouble sooner or later!"
-"So why did we work there?"
-"Because we needed the *money*, that's why!"
-"And there's the time we guarded that shack" Biggs continued. "Remember? The one that turned out to have some important weapon hidden in it?"
-"How were we supposed to know that?" Wedge countered.
-"And now we are guarding a princess!" Biggs said. "I keep waiting for pirates to attack us any minute!"
-"What pirate would be stupid enough to attack a royal fleet??" Wedge snapped.
-"KUPO!!" a squeaky voice from the level below suddenly shouted.
-"Eh? What does that dumb Moogle want now?" Wedge asked.
-"He's telling us to shut up" Biggs said.
-"What, you speak Moogle now?" Wedge snorted.
-"Actually, I do".
Wedge did a double take. "You DO?"
-"Yeah. Learned it as a kid."
-"How come you never told me that?" Wedge asked incredulously.
-"You never asked…"
-"KUPO! Kupopo kupo kupopop!"
-"What's he saying now?"
-"He said we should shut up, we are giving guards a bad reputation."
-"Oh, yeah? Well you can tell that furry little-"
KA-BOOM!! The ship sudden shook as if struck by lightning!
-"WHAT THE HELL??" Wedge cursed.
-"KOOOP!!"
-"Ahhh! I knew it, I knew it!!" Biggs shouted panicky.
-"CALM DOWN, Biggs!" Wedge shouted, as he rushed to the rail overlooking the deck below. He saw a plume of smoke coming out of a door there. A small purple, furry, big-nosed creature wearing armor not unlike theirs, holding a bardiche, stood at the ready in front of it.

Biggs also rushed to look at what was going on below; he saw all the guards aboard were doing the same. Then an old, wild-haired man, wearing a stained apron, stepped out through the door.
-"Koff! Koff!" the old man hacked because of the smoke around him.
-"Kupopo?" The Moogle guard asked him.
-"Vhat? Oh yes, I'm vell, Artemicion. One of my experiments, ahh, didn't go as planned" the old man responded.
-"Kupo po popo kupo?"
-"No, no, I don't think there is any major damage. Just a table and some vials… there shouldn't even be a fire. The smoke is from the reaction… and it's clearing already."
-"Kupo popo pupo kop."
-"Yes, that vould be prudent. Thank you" the old man said, smiling, and then walked back inside.
-"KUPO PO!" The Moogle shouted to the other guards, then walked in after the scientist.
Wedge looked at Biggs.
-"He said "False alarm". Oh, and he went in to check things out, just in case."
-"Huh. I cannot understand how you can tell what he says. It's just sounds like variations of the word 'Kupo' to me".
-"You need to pick up the inflections. You get used to it."
Wedge was thinking of saying how unlikely he found that, but as he turned around, he realized there was someone standing behind them: A beautiful young woman, with long blonde hair, green eyes, a long green dress, a diadem on her brow, and a worried expression on her face.
-"PRINCESS SARAH!!" Wedge snapped in shock.
-"Y-your Majesty!" Biggs similarly gasped.
-"Is everything Okay?" she asked them, in a sweet, if worried, voice.
-"Oh yes!" Wedge hurried to explain. It was just Professor Cid. One of his experiments blew up on his face. He's okay, however."
-"Yeah, there's no fire or anything, it's just some smoke" Biggs added.
Suddenly, to their mutual surprise, the Princess started giggling, in that cute way that only high society maidens do. "Oh, I should have known. That happens back home a lot, as well" she said. "I guess Cid couldn't wait until we landed to continue his research."

The princess then walked up to the railing, and looked around. All the guards and sailors immediately went back to their positions and duties upon seeing her. The smoke had cleared by now, and Sarah's hair floated behind her in the breeze, making her a vision of loveliness, that actually held Wedge and Biggs enraptured for a moment.

Finally, Wedge shook himself out of it and said, "Umm, Your Majesty?"
Sarah looked at him then. She looked at him, with those sparkling green eyes…
"*shaking head clear* Uhh, you should go back inside, it isn't safe here…"
-"Why? Have you seen pirates nearby?" Damn, that sweet voice…
-"No, no" Wedge quickly said. "But, our orders were to watch over your quarters, and, well, you never know what could happen. Monsters, hidden assassins…"
-"Oh! You think we might have spies aboard?" she said again, with that lovely, worried expression…
-"No! Well, not as far as we know. But, you can't be too careful…"
Sarah bowed her head, looking sad. "I understand… no, really, I do. It's the same back in the palace. People have to watch over me all the time… too bad, the day is so lovely, but… I guess you're right, I'd better return to my quarters…"
Now Wedge felt bad. Both for ruining the Princess' enjoyment, and for causing her to leave. He watched as she walked, oh-so-gracefully, back inside…
-"Man, she's hot" Biggs said, as soon as she was out of earshot.
-"BIGGS!" Wedge snapped at his partner.
-"What?" he responded, surprised.
-"KUPO!!" Came a shout from below.
-"Yeah, yeah, we are shutting up" Wedge snapped back at the Moogle.
-"See?" Biggs said, as the two guards reassumed their positions at the entrance to Sarah's quarters. "You do pick up the inflections!"
-"Biggs. Just. Shut. Up."
-"O-Kay…"

((Hours later))

Nothing else had happened since Cid's little accident. For which Wedge was supremely grateful. Just a few hours more, and the fleet would reach their destination. The princess would then be escorted away, and more importantly, they would be paid!

…Although he had to admit to himself, that he would miss seeing her.

Ah well, that was the fate of low-born people like him and Biggs. They never were part of the Big Things in Life; they just scurried around them, making a living as they could. Still, they'd seen more action in their lives than most commoners ever do, so it wasn't that bad.

At least he got to talk to a princess! He smiled as he remembered her face…

…

…And then he realized, something was wrong.

Why was the Princess traveling alone?

Well, she wasn't exactly alone. She had her handmaidens with her, and a lot of guards. Most of who were mercenaries like Biggs and him.

But, you'd think that such an important personage would be surrounded by high-level adventurers. Black Mages and such. The only exception was Cid, the Royal Inventor, though he was *hardly* what anybody would expect to be a good guardian.

Huh. Well, Wedge thought, the Kingdom doesn't have any major enemies. Perhaps they believed the fleet and its guards are enough to keep her safe. Or that bringing too much attention to her was a bad idea. And why did he care? He was just a mercenary…

-"Wedge?" Biggs suddenly asked.
-"Yes?"
-"There is something that bothers me, now that I think about it…"
Huh, Wedge thought. Was Biggs thinking the same thing he was?
-"…Have you noticed how many people named Cid there are?"
-"…WHAT?"
-"People named Cid" Biggs continued. "How many have we met? I mean, there was that Airship pilot we met once. And Cidolfas the famous Sage. And isn't the leader of the Al Bhed also named Cid? And now, the one in this ship…"
-"…Biggs. Cid is a common name" Wedge said, disappointed at his friend. "There's plenty of people named "Wedge" and "Biggs", as well."
-"Yeah, but- don't you find it odd that we keep running into people named Cid?"
-"Whatever" was Wedge's answer.
-"KUPO!"
-"OH, come up here and shut me up if it bothers you so damn much, hairball!" Wedge shouted at Artemicion.
-"Kupopo po popo po, popopo popopo po!"
-"He said, "If I didn't have to stay at my post, I WOULD go up there and show you, Hume!" Biggs explained.
-"Oh yeah? Well tell him that when we get off the ship-"
WHAM!!The ship came to sudden stop! It actually lurched on its side for a moment, almost throwing everyone on deck off their feet!
-"What NOW??" Biggs gasped, as he tried to recover his footing.
-"Don't tell me Cid is at it again!" Wedge snorted. "At this rate, he's going to sink the ship!!"
-"Uhh, Wedge?" Biggs suddenly said, "I don't think it's Cid fault this time" as he pointed to a GIGANTIC tentacle that had suddenly come out of the water.
-"Oh. Crap." Was all the stunned Wedge could say.
-"MONSTER ATTACK!!" somebody on the lower decks shouted. "Man your Battlestations!!"
More tentacles sprouted from the sea, attaching themselves to the ship.
-"Ahh!!! What do we do, Wedge, what do we do??"
-"Calm down! Let the others fight it. If the ship starts to sink, head for the lifeboats!"
-"What about the Princess?"
Oh damn, that's right, Wedge thought. We are her bodyguards! As he pondered duty over survival, the Princess suddenly came out of her quarters.
-"W-What is going on?" she asked, obviously scared.
-"Princess, NO!! Stay Inside!!" Wedge hastily told her. But before he could reach her, he saw her eyes go wide in terror. He turned around to see what she was looking at-
-… And saw a HUGE, purple octopus head, with a FACE on it, including a mouth full of fangs, that had emerged in front on the ship.
-"*GURGLE* HO HO HO HO HO!!" it laughed, in a thunderous voice, half-drowned by the seawater in its mouth.
-"Oh my gods! Wedge, is that"-
-"Ultros" Wedge finished for him. "Damn it."
-"I SEE MY *GURGLE* REPUTATION PRECEDES ME!"
-"It- talks??" Sarah gasped.
-"YES, "IT" TALKS, *GURGL* THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"
On the lower decks, all the soldiers were shooting at the monster, or trying to hack its tentacles off the ship, but nothing seemed to be working.
-"BWA HA HA, YOUR ATTACKS ARE LIKE PINPRICKS TOME!!" it laughed.
-"Vhat is all this noise?" Cid, suddenly coming out of his lab, said, then gasped: "OH MY GODS! A cephalopod of megasized proportions!"
-"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, YOU *GURGL* SCRAGGLY HUME??"
-"KUPO PO PO?!" Artemicion shouted at it.
-"WHAT DO I WANT? WHY, ONLY WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY *GURGL* MINE, OF COURSE!" The giant octopus said, paused for effect, then continued: "THESE WATERS ARE MY TERRITORY! ANYBODY WHO *BLOOB* WANTS TO PASS, MUST PAY ME A TITHE!!"
-"That's a lie!" Sarah suddenly shouted. "These are international waters! They belong to no one!!"
-"OH, WHAT HAVE WE HERE? A PRINCESS!? AND A *GURL* FEISTY ONE TOO! JUST HOW I LIKE THEM!!" Ultros said, as it extended yet another tentacle, and suddenly snatched Sara off the high deck!
-"AAAYEEH!" she screamed.
-"PRINCESS! NO!!" Wedge screamed, and ran after her, but Ultros was holding her too high.
-"KUPO!! Kupo pop por kupo, po KUPOPO PO PO, PO!!" Artemicion shouted.
-"Whoa" Biggs gasped, "I had no idea Moogles could swear like that…"

Artemicion charged at the tentacle holding Sarah, and began hacking at it with his polearm. CHUKK!!
-"ARGH! THAT HURT, YOU DAMNED MOOGLE!! Was Ultros' reaction, who then grabbed the furry little creature with another arm and threw it off the ship.
-"NO!! DO NOT HURT HER!!" Cid shouted. "SHE'S NOT A REAL PRINCESS!!"
Everybody suddenly did a double take.
-"WHAT?" Ultros asked, unbelieving.
-"It's true!" Cid continued. "She's just a decoy- the real Princess was smuggled to her destination on a separate, smaller caravan!"
Well, that explains things, Wedge thought.
-"BAH! *HURGL* YOU'RE LYING! AND EVEN IF YOU'RE SAYING THE TRUTH *GURGL* SHE IS STILL QUITE FETCHING! I'M KEEPING HER!!"
-"The HELL you will" Wedge snapped, and started firing his bayonet at Ultros' eyes. Biggs joined him almost immediately. Cid ran back inside the ship. Meanwhile, Artemicion, held aloft by his tiny batlike wings, flew back to the ship, and prepared to swing his weapon at the monster again.
-"GAAH! HOW DARE YOU MISCREANTS HURT ME! I WAS GOING TO LET YOU LIVE, BUT NOW I'M GOING TO *GRLG* SINK YOU ALONG YOUR SHIP!!*
Dammit, Wedge though, where's a party of adventurers when you need one??
-"NO!" Sarah then screamed. "Please do not hurt them!! I'll go with you! I'll do anything you want!! Just don't kill anybody!!"
-"…ANYTHING?" the monster said, with a wicked smile on its face.
-"PRINCESS, NO!!" Wedge screamed. "We-we aren't worth it!!"
The Princess just hid her face from them, as if crying in shame.
Biggs didn't understand what they were talking about, but he knew it was nothing good.

Before anyone could say anything else, Cid emerged from his laboratory, holding a glass bottle with some multicolored liquid churning around inside of it. "Take THIS, you morally-aberrant abomination!!"

But before he could throw the bottle, Ultros blew a huge wave of seawater on the ship, and it washed over the decks, knocking several people, including Artemicion and Cid, off their feet. The bottle was torn from his grasp and rolled around the lower deck.

Seeing what had happened, Wedge said to Biggs, "KEEP FIRING!!" and then jumped down to the lower deck.

Biggs did so; though he knew it was ineffective, he knew Wedge must have a reason. He also wondered why the other ships weren't shooting at the monster, and then realized they might hit them in the process. Assuming they were even real military ships…

Wedge tried to reach the bottle, but the ship rocked again as Ultros twisted it around. He almost lost his footing, and the bottle rolled away. A tentacle tried to grab Wedge, but it was intercepted by a charging Artemicion, once again causing the monster to yelp in pain.

Wedge decided to go with the flow, and rolled himself down the heavily lurching deck, and- just before the bottle collided with a wall- snatched it. As it turned out, his mad dash had placed him right in front of Ultros' gaping maw. Hoping that Cid had a plan that worked, he heaved the bottle with all his might into the monster.

KA-BOOM!!

"AAAAAARGHH!!!" the monster roared in pain, and recoiled, releasing his hold on everything, including Sarah, who fell to the deck with a THUD! Wedge wanted to run to her side, but he was too far away, and the ship still rocked violently as it settled back into its natural position. Fortunately, other guards were nearer to her.
-"YOU….YOU… HAVE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF ME…. *GURGL* I… WILL… BE… BACK…" were Ultros' last words, as it sank back into the ocean.

For a few moments, nobody moved, waiting to see if indeed Ultros would resurface. But after about a minute, both the ship and the sea had returned to normal, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

Wedge ran over to Sarah, who had been helped back to her feet already. Her hair and dress were a mess now.
-"Your Majesty! Are you okay??" he gasped.
To his surprise, she smiled. "You don't have to call me that any more. You know I'm not the Princess. I'm just sorry you all had to risk your life just for me…"
-"Don't say that!" Wedge suddenly insisted. "I would never let a Lady like you fall into that pervert's, uh, arms. Besides, impersonating a Princess to keep her safe is a very noble thing in and of itself. It was an honor to defend you." He then bowed to her.

Following his example, Artemicion bowed too. And so did Cid. In a few seconds, everyone else in the ship also bowed to her.
-"Oh… you people… you make a humble handmaiden feel like a real princess" she said, with tears in her eyes. Then she approached Wedge, and kissed him in the cheek- which caused him to freeze in shock!
-"Heh, that is all very vell and gut, but, ve are not done vith this little masquerade yet. Ve must vait until ve have reached land. So, everyone back to your places!" Cid shouted.

The Princess nodded, and climbed the stairs back to her room.

Wedge wondered: was she really just a handmaiden? Or the real Sarah pretending to be an impostor? Now THAT would throw possible kidnappers for a loop!

Whatever, he didn't care. She was still so beautiful, so ladylike, even with her clothes torn, as she walked up the stairs with such grace…

A short while later, both Wedge and Biggs were back on their posts.

Wedge was feeling good, better than he ever had, he thought. For once, he and his friend had been the *real* heroes, instead of some other bigshot adventurers. OK, the Moogle and Cid had helped as well, but still, he couldn't stop smiling.

And then he noticed that Biggs was looking dejected.

-"…And what is bothering you now?" Wedge asked.

-"…I didn't get a kiss…"

-"KUPO!"

THE END!