Author's notes: I'm really not into this fandom anymore but with this story I would like to help the characters mature while also address some of the flaws I personally found within the Twilight Saga. This is based on the books and it's canon till Lauren's death, then it becomes AU.
Forgive any mistakes; other than the fact that English isn't my mother language, I'm also dyslexic (+ I don't have a beta)
Fear of the water
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Some ancient call, that I've answered before
It lives in my walls, and it's under the floor
If this was meant for me, why does it hurt so much?
And if you're not made for me, why did we fall in love?
– SYML
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"It's hard being left behind. (...) It's hard to be the one who stays."
– Audrey Niffenegger
February
"While it is perfectly normal to be drawn to someone who appears utterly beautiful to you. I believe it was mostly the act of heroism he performed when he saved you from that car accident with your classmate-"
"Tyler"
"Tyler"
"Look, I understand that the way I describe my feelings I might appear obsessed with Edward to some unhealthy degree but I assure you, I loved him"
When she agreed to see a psychologist Bella knew it would be incredible difficult to have sessions without spoiling the beans. She tried to reason with herself that her doctor didn't know the whole story, which is why she jumped to the wrong conclusions.
"I never claimed you to be obsessed Bella, just a bit over depended."
Bella frowned, "He was the one who constantly wanted to do things for me!"
"Things like what?"
Bella sat back and sighed as she remembered, "Like buying me food and expensive stuff, carrying me around-"
Dr. Anderson blinked a few times, making sure she did not misheard, "Carrying you around?"
Bella blushed. "Yeah… like on his back"
"It seems like Edward enjoyed treating you like a child."
"He just wanted to protect me," Bella tried to explain again
"From whom, I wonder." Dr. Anderson got up, poured some water in her now empty glass, and asked her if she also wanted a glass of water. When Bella refused, her psychologist took a seat once again across her.
"Bella, how many seasons have we had till now?"
Bella tried to recall; it was after Jacob had joined Sam's gang. She had tried to reach him via texting, calling, even going to his house, but apparently Bella Swan was no longer good enough for sweet Jake anymore.
The threat of Victoria and Lauren wasn't enough to keep her from falling back to her depression. While she wans't acting as horrible as she did when Edward and his family left. It was obvious to Charlie what had happened, which resulted to many fights between him and Billy to the point that they were no longer on speaking terms.
She had felt so guilty about the fallout, that Bella agreed to go to the psychologist her father had tried to get her to go so hard since November. She caved with the condition that he'd be friends again with Billy and go on with their lives without mentioning about the brief friendship between her and Jake.
The first season was the worst for her because other than the fact she was nervous, Bella didn't know how to open up about her feelings without spoiling the Cullens' secrets.
It was one hour drive with her car which gave her enough time to think about how she should represent her sort depression and make clear to the doctor that she didn't really need her.
However, what she didn't count was the psychologist's questions. The doctor hadn't ask about Edward (probably because Charlie had already told her enough). Instead she chose to talk about her childhood years: what she felt about her parents' divorce, her life with her mother, her holidays' with Charlie, previous crushes, Renée's never ending boyfriends, her non existing friends. It was only last week that they started talking about Edward.
"I've been seeing you twice a week"
"Twice a week," Her therapist repeated. "It's been almost five weeks so it's almost ten seasons."
Bella agreed. "That's right"
"We've spent two seasons talking about Edward, which is about five hours if you count and I've noticed that despite you being the first one to express interest in him, you are not the one who initiated your meeting in the first place, he was very much the one in control of the relationship. Your main goal throughout this relationship was to be with him forever which is something you have yet to explain to me what it means.
Bella felt her head aching; it was true that she had been trying to convince him to turn her but-
Maybe that's the main reason he left. That's why she wasn't good enough for him. How could she, if she had been annoying him constantly with her mortality.
I only wanted to help. I didn't want him to be hurting every time he was near me. She tried to reason with her nasty voice in her head.
Becoming immortal and drop dead gorgeous wasn't a bad thing either
Without realising, tears had started running down on her cheeks. "While he could be a bit overbearing at times, I thought Edward was perfect just like the rest of his family was and- and I wanted to fit into it. I wanted to belong somewhere. I didn't want to look obsessed and drive them away!" Her sobbing cut her off from continuing, and she finally broke down.
Dr. Anderson acted quickly. She got up, grabbed a box of tissues from her office and knelt down next to her. She offered the box, which Bella quickly accepted, and strokes her back, as she tried to calm her.
"There, there, shhh. It's okay. Bella."
"I'm sorry," She blew her nose on the tissue and tried to wipe some tears with the back of her hand. "I didn't mean to cry."
"Bella, what have I said before? It's okay to cry. It's alright to let out your feelings." Dr. Anderson told her softly, patting her back. "Are you well enough to continue?"
Bella sniffed and nodded, "Yes"
"Alright" Her doctor sat sown on her leather chair but not before offering a glass of water which she accepted this time.
"From my understanding, what you truly wanted was to become… a Cullen."
Bella quieted at that, it was true that it was not really immortality that appealed to her; it was the prospect of staying with Edward forever and ever.
"And the root is once again at [ home ]."
"What do you mean?"
"Bella, you grew up taking care of your mother; your roles were reversed. And when you came to live with your father you took the role of taking care of him as well"
"I'm their child! It's my duty to care for them. I'm doing it because I want to." Bella protested strongly.
"I understand, but it's also their duty to raise you and love you. I've met your father and he's a lovely man who loves you dearly but when was the last time you did something together?"
Bella tried to think in vain, "When I was five? I think we painted a bike together." … "But I don't understand what this has to do with the Cullens!"
"You've spent most of your life trying to take care of your mom because of her immature behaviour. In addition, when you came here, you immediately took care of your dad! Your introvert behaviour didn't help much with socialising but suddenly you meet a handsome, mysterious boy whom you're drawn to. You fall for him and on the way, you fall for his family because they are everything you didn't have. You described Esme and Carlisle as the perfect parents and their children unique; every one of them separated. They were the brothers and sisters you never got to have. And when that dream disappeared, your depression worsened."
"I told you before Abigail, I don't have depression! I'm just… sad." Bella told her plainly and she almost winced upon hearing her own voice; it sounded so small and fragile. So pathetic
Dr. Anderson sighed before glancing down on her notes. "Now, dependency often accompanies depression. Dependency is a powerful and debilitating thing. Especially if the person you depend on is the only thing that completes you. I accept Edward was your everything. I'm not calling you a liar or insane. Nobody does." Dr. Anderson told her gently. "But you can love someone and you can let him go at the same time. You are beautiful, you are young, you have your whole life ahead of you."
"Figure out what you want, think and chase your dreams because you only live once." The woman advised her
Bella was hesitant to ask but in the end she caved, "It seems like… you know the feeling"
The doctor smiled sadly and replied, "Generally, psychologists shouldn't speak of their personal lives but I think this might help you. When I was your age, I had this crush on a boy I was working with. Unknown to me, he was suffering with depression and when some rumours started going around school he decided to take his own life. He succeeded."
At her pause Bella spoke, "I'm so sorry."
"Trust me... I am too, and I believe that if he were here right now, he would probably regret what he has done. He gave a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Depression is not something to be ashamed off Bella. Some people get better. Others, take longer. Nevertheless, anything is better than shutting your eyes permanently.
"Why are you telling this?" Bella whispered, feeling overwhelmed with an emotion she could not name.
The woman pointed her hands. "Because last week, you forgot to cover your scars. They look deep."
"It was only two times" Bella swallowed and nervously started to play with the end of her blouse. "…I don't do that anymore."
"I figured.
"Are you going to call Charlie?"
Dr. Anderson shook her head, "Everything we say stays between us. It's only if I feel like you're a danger to yourself or others that I will have to warn him." She glanced down at her notes and ripped a page.
"Here are the antidepressants that doctor Potent has prescribed for you."
Bella took the paper but bit her lower lip anxiously. "I won't need to start seeing him though, right?"
Dr. Potent was generally cold and distant. Everything she had imagined a psychiatrist to be.
Her doctor frowned, "Usually, that's the case but after your last meeting he agrees with me about the pills. But if you don't see them working them]n you'll have to book an appointment to prescribe you something else."
"Can't you not do it?"
"Unfortunately, I'm not allowed. Us, psychologists have been fighting for years to have the right to prescribe medication but so far nothing has changed." Bella's concern must have been apparent because her doctor quickly reassured her. "These are commonly used and have been noted to have been the most successful so don't worry."
Bella nodded and hoped they were not at least too expensive.
"Remember to do the exercises I gave you and don't forget to write."
"Yes, doctor-" Bella noticed the look and quickly corrected herself with a half smile. "Yes, Abigail."
Her psychologist smiled back at and embraced her warmly. "I'll see you on Monday, and think about everything we said, hmm?"
Bella promised she would and opened the door to leave.
As she got into her truck, eyes were watching her from afar.
A/N: I'm unsure. Should I continue? Is anyone interested?