"Come with me!" she breathed out, her excitement palpable in the room that he was far too used to.
He smiled half-heartedly. He wanted nothing more than to escape to London with her, watching her perform every night. He knew how big of a break this was for her, which is why he could never tell her to stay, to try for something in New York instead.
"I can't," he whispered, and even in the darkness he could see her face fall.
"Why?" she asked, pulling away when he went to push back a piece of hair from her face. He sighed, knowing full well what his words meant to her. She heard rejection far worse than he wanted her to ever feel.
"Kurt," was his simple reply, and she made a disgruntled noise before climbing out of the small bed and walking over to flip on a light, grabbing her clothes in the process. He sat up in the bed, trying to locate his own.
"Kurt," was all she mumbled under her breathe, and he knew she was mad.
"Rachel," he tried, pulling on a pair of jeans he had thrown on as he escaped his own small apartment across town.
"No!' she yelled, and he winced at the loudness, feeling momentarily bad for the neighbors. It was only 10 at night though, so he hoped she hadn't woken anyone. "I am so sick of this Blaine. I am sick of being second to Kurt. So maybe this is best for us, me leaving. And until I do, I don't think we should see each other," she said harshly, not bothering to say anything more as she headed into her bathroom, the only room she could really enter in her studio apartment-being a college student in the city didn't leave a lot of luxury in apartment options.
"I love you," he said quietly through the door, but he heard the shower turn on right after and knew she was ignoring him and he took his leave.
The summer was coming, the air warm as they snuggled on the fire escape outside her apartment. Their plan of not seeing each other lasted exactly 36 hours before Rachel ran into him and Kurt, a small smile on her face. They didn't mention the fight, choosing instead to ignore the upcoming ending of their secret relationship. London hadn't been mentioned in almost a month, and when they were together, neither was Kurt.
"Blaine?" Rachel said, her hands drawing circles on his arms that were wrapped around her.
"Hmm?" he replied, watching the night sky dance above them.
He noticed her pause, almost knowing what was coming next. "Why do you stay with Kurt?" she finally let out, her words a rush and almost silent.
Blaine took a moment to prepare his answer. "I love him," he finally said, "and I love you, and it's a shitty problem to have-being in love with two people-and I have no other way to figure out how to deal with it."
She nodded, and he could tell without looking at her that she was chewing her lip, anxious as more words threatened to pour out of her. She remained quiet though, and finally he chuckled. "Out with it Berry," he prodded, poking her in the side.
"I just, can I be honest with you?" she asked, breaking away from him and facing him.
"Of course," he answered. "We're always honest with each other."
She nodded once more, curling her legs up under her chin. "You remember how Finn and I used to be off and on all the time?" she asked, and he was confused but answered a quick 'yes' to see where she was going. "You used to say that I went back to him because it was easy, and it was expected. You said that it was because it was what everyone else thought was going to happen. Everyone just assume Rachel and Finn would get together, and so they did. Whether they worked or not, that was irrelevant. You said that Finn was never really over Quinn, and that I refused to see it because I was too focused on making him mine. And so we went through the drama for almost five years."
Blaine remembered this conversation well. It was right before she finally told Finn goodbye for the last time, before Finn finally settled for some girl at the college he was at in Ohio, leaving Rachel free to look for boys in New York for the first time since the three of them-Kurt, Rachel and himself, had managed to land spots at some of the top schools in the country. He didn't speak though, instead waiting for Rachel to continue.
"You told me I deserved better, and that was part of the reason I started to move on from Finn. I'm not sure how that translated to falling in love with one of my closest friends who was dating my other close friend-both of whom were gay-but that's what happened," she laughed humorously. Blaine gulped.
"It's not like I was planning for that to happen," Blaine finally interjected.
"I know," came her reply. "But all those things you said about Finn and I? They're the same about you and Kurt. You're together because it's easy. Because the other was there at a time when you needed someone, and it was simpler to date Kurt than to fully explore your own sexuality. When you saw how much you hurt Kurt by our two kisses in high school, you declared that you were gay. You two are marveled at for how honest you are, and yet you've been sleeping with me for a year. It was expected for you to fall for Kurt, for you to love Kurt."
Her words cut through him deeply. He knew, deep down, that what she was saying was right. But he didn't want to acknowledge that because a life without Kurt was terrifying. A life without Rachel was just as terrifying, he knew that.
"I get why you won't leave him for me," she finally spoke some more, climbing back into his lap and taking his face in her hands. "I know that you'll stay with him because then you don't have to explain how you fell in love with me, why you're leaving the supposed love of your life for a woman. I just want you to know, that if the roles were reversed and you were my secret, I would come with you."
He knew she meant it. She had tried to have boyfriends over the past year and a half and ended up in Blaine's arms and bed more often than said boys, because she didn't want them as much as she wanted him. And he knew she was right about why he wouldn't leave Kurt. It was more complex than the 'I'm gay but head over heels over a girl' thing. It was how Carole and Burt had accepted Blaine more than his parents ever had. How Kurt had stayed with him through almost 7 years. How he had helped him grow into the person he was now. It was that moving with Rachel meant changing everything he had taken so long to figure out.
But that was how Rachel was, and he had learned that the first time Kurt even uttered her name. She was bold, and loud, and opinionated. She was independent and fierce, and she got what she wanted more often than not. Her stardom and her future were the most important things to her, which is why she wasn't about to beg him to come. And he appreciated and loved every aspect of her.
"Blaine?" she said after a few moments, snapping him back to attention.
"Rachel?" he smiled softly and she returned his smile.
"I'm going to wait for you," she admitted. "I know that you and I? We're endgame. We're meant to be. And I don't care how long it takes; I know that one day we'll be together. Not as a secret, not as something to be hidden. We'll be able to walk around holding hands and acknowledge our love out loud to other people. So I may be leaving for now, but I'm waiting for you."
Blaine hushed her words with a kiss, trying to show his response without words because words were too much. He wanted her to know he felt the same, how he had come to that conclusion months ago, but he was scared. How he would wait in the city that never sleeps and yearn for her every night she was gone. How much he was going to miss her giggles in the middle of the night, the way her back arched slightly when he'd kiss her hips, how her voice haunted his thoughts.
He put everything he had into that kiss, and she returned with as much passion as he had. It was their goodbye without the word ever being mentioned.
It was their end, without either ever knowing.
He found a spot towards the back, waving to Kurt a few aisle's ahead. They had ended things amicably though Kurt still had no idea of Blaine and Rachel's affair. It seemed everyone was there, sitting and waiting. Santana and Brittany, Sam and Quinn, Mike, Tina, Artie. Finn, of course, was there.
Blaine thought about finding her, telling her all the things he should have said 5 years ago. But he knew it made no difference now. She had fallen into the trap he had so many years ago. And for all he knew, she was happy now. They hadn't spoken, going their separate ways. The bits he heard of her life was from Kurt, or his occasional facebook stalking. But he had tried to avoid that, it was easier to not know.
He moved over as more people shuffled in, the room full and loud with gossip and chattering. He sat there as Puck yelled at Santana from his position in the front, chuckling when Santana flicked him off. He thought about how different things could have been if it was him in Finn's position, waiting for Rachel to walk down the aisle in her devastatingly beautiful wedding gown.
But he wasn't. Because she hadn't done as she promised, she hadn't waited.
And like an idiot, he had.
He had ended things with Kurt and waiting for her to come back so he could tell her all the things he needed to. How he loved her, and how much he missed her. How she was perfect and deserved better than him and Finn. How he walked by her old apartment building sometimes, just thinking about what she had said on that fire escape. How didn't want to spend his life with anyone else but her.
He had waited for her only to find out that she was back and engaged to Finn. And it was all too late for him.
The day he received his invitation to their wedding, a post it included with her scrawl reading hope you'll be there : ), he had finally let himself break down and cry about it. He had found some other brunette whose hair wasn't nearly as shiny, as curly. Whose eyes didn't sparkle as bright, who didn't even hold his attention. All it seemed to do was solidify the fact that the only girl he would ever want to be with was Rachel. It left him empty and heartbroken all over again.
Rachel appeared at the doorway, bringing him back to the present as the music started. She was smiling shyly, all eyes on her as she walked down the aisle, grinning at Finn. She walked gracefully and Blaine couldn't focus on anything but her and her beauty.
The ceremony started and he thought about all those nights it was almost as if her ghost was whispering in his ear, how much he had wished she was there. The officiator-he wasn't paying enough attention to see if he was a rabbi or a minister, since Rachel was Jewish and Finn was not-was asking if anyone had any objections. He wanted to stand up, stop the wedding, grab Rachel and run away with her forever-but then the moment passed, and the vows began.
He watched and tried to etch it permanently in his memory, hoping that this would make him realize that she wasn't his, not really. It was a fantasy, a lie woven in a relationship built in lies. She was made for Finn, not Blaine. All the words he wanted to scream, the stories he wanted to tell, the promises he wanted to keep-they all fell away as she promised herself and her life to Finn.
Everything he had waited for when she left fell away as the wedding ring slid on her finger.