Five Things That Never Happened To Penny And The Boys (PG)
I'm new to this fandom, so If you don't know me, this is the sort of crack-fic which is typical for me. Enough said.
Warnings, spoilers and settings: PG for smut and innuendo. All AU, very AU, so don't worry yourself about being spoilt.
Crossovers with Flash Gordon, BSG Reboot, Farscape, Xena/Hercules-verse and Trek-verse.
Still not making any money from stuff that isn't mine. Enjoy.
Penny
He had seemed like the perfect boyfriend at first. Tall, wealthy, handsome. Quarterback for the New York Jets. Penny had been thrilled when he had offered to fly her off with him in his private plane for a hunting weekend: This man knew the way to a girl's heart.
So how was it, she wondered, that barely a day later she found herself standing in a room full of what looked like a mix of Comic-Con escapees and Howard's tackiest fantasies? To cap it all she was being menaced and leered at by an old creep with a taste for over-elaborate costumes and too much eye make-up.
Flash was no use: He'd wasted no time getting into a pissing contest with their maniacal captor and his hordes of minions. Scratch another dumb boyfriend Penny sighed in resignation.
"Bring her to my chambers!" the evil genius commanded, lasciviously stroking his goatee before leaving in a twirl of red-lined robes.
As soon as they were alone, Penny drew her .38 and shot Ming the Merciless between the eyes. "No capes!" she advised, stepping over his body on her way towards the exit.
Sheldon
Sheldon sat at his desk, his brilliant mind completely focussed on the task at hand. Six hitched her skimpy red dress even higher, slithered into his lap and draped her long, naked limbs seductively around him.
"I heard that there was an opening for an intern," she whispered seductively in his ear, in a manner which would have caused a rush of blood to the cheeks, and other parts, of almost any man. "I want you to give it to me..." she intoned huskily.
Sheldon did his best to ignore her. He was made of, if not exactly sterner stuff, certainly different stuff. He wriggled into a position where she no longer impeded his view of the computer screen or access to the keyboard.
"You should put your application in through Human Resources," Sheldon replied, not taking his attention from the screen for a moment. He did, however, allow himself to be distracted enough to frown at the inconvenience of having Six sitting on him when he had important things to be doing. "Now, if you don't mind, Wolowizard needs my help in rending the Robe of The Scarlet Necromancer?" He pushed her from his lap and set to his task with renewed vigour.
Six stared down at him and shook her head in disbelief. She'd never encountered a subject so resistant to her charms before.
"Should have sent a toaster..." she muttered to herself as she began to shrug on her coat. "He'd have probably fracked that."
Howard
It was his dream to be an astronaut. Ever since he was a kid he'd dreamed of little else. Except girls, obviously. But the last hour had turned his dream into a nightmare. First the spatial anomaly had swallowed him, then there had been the collision with a strange ship. Shortly after that he had been brought aboard yet another, bigger ship, full of weird, hostile and incomprehensible aliens. Aliens who, it seemed, had swiftly knocked him out and dumped him in a cell.
They'd taken off his clothes! Why the hell had they taken off his clothes!? At least they had left them in a neat pile nearby. He rushed to get dressed whilst the little green slug on the other side of the cell door pontificated about trust and other rubbish. That was when he noticed the humanoid figure in the all-black flight suit sitting quietly in the corner of the cell.
The figure stirred, pulled off its helmet and revealed herself to be a young woman, black hair framing attractive but fierce, aquiline features. "Hey, my name's Howard," he grinned hopefully and held out a hand towards her. She stared at him without answering so he took a couple of steps forward. Man, she looked hot. "Howard Wolowitz..."
The next thing he knew he was aching all over from a dozen kicks and blows, lying on his back with her sitting on his chest, his arms pinned beneath her knees. She looked down at him.
"Rank and regiment NOW!" she demanded. She was absolutely gorgeous when she was angry.
"I suppose this means that sex is out of the question?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows and tongue at her, half in jest, half in hope. Despite the obvious threat of violence from her he couldn't help himself, being unable to avoid seeing the erotic potential of the situation.
She frowned at him, as though trying to parse what he was saying, then reached out and calmly snapped his neck.
Raj
"We think he was born mute," Samsara the Amazon warrior woman told Queen Hippolyta.
"Or maybe lost his voice to disease?" Lysia added.
"Or in battle," suggested Xena with a derisive snort. They all turned to look at her and then joined her in laughter at the patent ridiculousness of her suggestion.
"If he is of no use to us for the only things that men are good for, then he should be put to the sword!" Karina indicated to the queen.
"A moment please, my Queen," Olan interceded on Raj's behalf. The queen indicated that the young warrior woman should speak. "He has shown himself to be of some value... He has a remarkable ability with fur and leather." Olan indicated her own outfit, by far the most stylish in the room. There were rumblings of appreciation from the assembled Amazons. "And he mixed this cleansing salve for me..." Xena reached out, took a finger full of the unguent and rubbed it into her skin. After a moment, the warrior princess gave a grudging smile and a nod. "And midday meal today. It was his creation. Was it not the most exquisite experience?"
The gathered Amazons nodded and whispered in agreement. Lunch that day had been beyond comparison.
"Enough!" The queen held up her hand for silence. "He will be allowed to live. For now," she decreed. "It seems that the mute-one has taught us of new uses for males..."
Leonard
Leonard was still a little vague as to how it had happened, but there was no way he wanted to go back a couple of years to his boring old life at Caltech. It wasn't that he didn't understand that someone from the Star Trek universe had opened a time rift - again. And it wasn't that he didn't understand that it had led back to the US in his own, native time period - again. No, what he couldn't quite get his head around was the speed with which, once the rift had closed with him on the twenty third century side of it, he had risen to the rank of starship captain. Apparently he had just the right mix of skills and personality for the role. Who knew? Still, he wasn't complaining, and neither was he inclined to complain about the constant stream of alien (but still remarkably humanoid) babes who seemed to find him irresistibly attractive. It was his duty, after all, to seek out first contact situations and foster good relationships with other species. Surprisingly even to him, Leonard Hofstadter was supremely good at his job.
"Captain," his communicator interrupted his pleasant reverie.
"Captain Hofstadter here," damn, that never got old, he smirked, relishing the moment.
"Sick bay here. We just got the tests back."
"Hmm?" Leonard replied absent-mindedly, his thoughts having strayed to the pretty, blue ensign who'd joined the bridge crew yesterday.
"That... little rash you came to see me about yesterday..." the doctor continued, lowering his voice."Well, I think maybe you should pop down and see me. Straight away."
The end