A/N: I literally have no idea where this came from. There was no prompt, no suggestion, not a thought on this has been on my mind like most of my ideas do, nothing fuelled it. I woke up today thinking of this, completely out of nowhere, and the first thing I did was to grab my notebook and a pen to put it on paper as fast as I could. And I must admit that I cried while writing it and that has never happened to me before. I don't even know why. So I'm sorry in advance about the hurt because I sincerely don't know why I wrote this, I just felt like I had to. Still, somehow, I think it came out perfectly.
xxx
They can't believe it's been a year.
Kira, Scott, Stiles and Lydia find themselves together at the lake house for a weekend's getaway at the Alpha's suggestion. It's the first anniversary of Allison's death and Scott thought they could be by themselves to do something special in her memory just the four of them - the ones who were at Oak Creek when the hunter fell to the ground that night -, away from the madness that is their lives nowadays, away from the supernatural and the pressure of being senior year, away from everything else, all of it.
Kira had asked Scott if he was sure that he wanted her there. To the kitsune, it felt like she was intruding on something rather personal, something that only concerned the three of them and not her. The boy just answered that he'd need her by his side, that he'd need his girlfriend to lean on in case he'd falter, in case he'd break down, that he wasn't sure he'd be able to handle it without her. And there was so much grief in his eyes, an emotion Kira knows he's learned to disguise well but that he still feels strongly every now and then, that the girl conceded. So she went.
As for Stiles and Lydia, they've been distant for months, especially since he started dating Malia. And even if they broke it off over a month ago, Stiles and Lydia still haven't gone back to what they were before, not even close. Stiles had stayed friends with Malia and Lydia hasn't felt comfortable with Stiles for some reason. To Lydia, it's like she doesn't know him anymore, like the part of him he had offered her is long gone and she won't get it back because she was dumb enough to miss her chance. And it only makes matters worse that she's sure she's in love with him; she has been for a while.
To Stiles, however, it's different and the same because he's in love with her too, he knows; he has always known that. He has known it for the better part of ten years and the feeling only seems to grow. And he knows it was dormant for a while as he tried something he hadn't tried before - a relationship with someone -, but even in his subconscious he knew that Lydia would always be the one for him. He can't explain it or rationalize it in any way; it is what it is. The thing is that he and Malia are still friends and they're still close, they're just not dating. And as much as he'd like to make a move on Lydia – because he thinks he might have finally found the courage to do it, even if he's not sure he can actually go through with it -, he doesn't want to hurt Malia's feelings. The girl, of course, knows why Stiles broke up with her but that doesn't mean he has to throw it in her face.
And there's also the possibility – minor, he thinks, he hopes – that Lydia doesn't want him back, that Lydia doesn't feel about him the same way he feels about her. And he knows it is, in fact, a small chance; he's not blind. He has noticed the way Lydia would excuse herself not to spend time with him and Malia, noticed how she tried (and failed) to avert her eyes from the couple; how she never commented on the relationship, even if only months before Stiles and Lydia were tight and confided most things in one another. But he's to fault at that. He could have made it work between them even if he was dating somebody else; it hadn't been an issue when she was the one with a boyfriend. Stiles is the one who didn't seek Lydia, he's the one who drove her away.
And he knows why. He was scared that if he was still close with Lydia, things with Malia wouldn't have worked out; Lydia already wanders in his mind plenty of time. If he kept seeing her like he did before, he wouldn't have known what to do because Lydia is, well, Lydia. She'll always be Lydia to him. And as they grew apart, Lydia distanced herself from him too, not wanting to interfere. And even if Stiles thinks it might have been because she had feelings for him too, he deserved the chance to try something else and they both seemed to have understood that, like some unspoken agreement was formed between them. They were all messed up, they still are, and to him it wasn't the right time for him and Lydia to get together. The thing is that now it's not the same. He still doesn't seek Lydia and she doesn't look for him and they feel like strangers. And Lydia, much to his dismay, has gone back to a side of her that he absolutely loathes, one that has Lydia shut out from others, one that has Lydia keeping everything to herself again. And it's his fault and he can't blame her.
But he's still mad at her. He's mad at her for that and he knows he has no right to be. He assumed that Lydia, being as strong and confident as he has learned that she is, would take care of herself, that she'd still carry on with her life without him. He was wrong. He was dead wrong and it makes him want to punch himself in the face because this is all on him. And that's why he doesn't make a move on her. And so he waits.
Soon, it turns night. The group spent the day enjoying the fresh air, walking around the property and speaking of older, different, simpler times. Most of the conversations revolve around Allison; how she was and what all of them shared with her, how she'd be now, what the future could have held for her. And as time goes by and the sun sets, the talking turns into hushed whispers as heaviness takes place in their throats, in their chests. And when the hour comes, the time when Allison fell to the ground a year ago, the group falls silent.
They find themselves in Lydia's living room, Scott and Kira sharing a couch holding each other, Stiles sitting alone on the ground and leaning against a wall, Lydia sitting by herself on the other couch, curled up on one of its ends. They don't share a word for several minutes, the memories about that night haunting them all as the moon moves up in the sky. And then it's too much for the banshee.
Her voice breaks as she lets out the words. "Scott, I… S- Scott, I know we promised but I can't…"
And it is too much. Until very recently, when Scott sort of remembered that Lydia existed and started to make up for not giving her attention lately, she had been mostly alone. It came to the point where she saw everyone from the pack every day and still went a whole week without saying a word to anyone but her mom; it was like she was invisible, like no one from the group acknowledged her presence, like she wasn't even there. And it carried on for months, after Allison and Aiden, through her struggle with her powers and while the others moved on with their lives one by one and she didn't. And lydia can't blame them; they had all been in a dark place after everything went down, only she expected them to stick together and that didn't happen. And she's happy for them, finding solace in the thought that even after so much darkness, some of them still found some light.
Yet, she can't say she's not a little jealous of it, selfish as it might make her seem. And she knows that Scott and Stiles have their demons just like she does, but if it hurt losing Scott to his grief, it had been worse losing Stiles. And it was worse because she grew fonder of him with time, even if the more Stiles slipped through her fingers, the more that void in her heart took its place, leaving her with nothing but memories of what they had been and of what they had had. And what they had had was beautiful and Lydia had allowed it to cease because she's nothing. Who's Lydia to take away his happiness with someone? She's no one. There was nothing she could have done to make things different, not without hurting someone in the process. No one but herself, that is. And to Lydia, better her getting hurt than Stiles.
But now it's too much, it's all too overwhelming for Lydia to keep it all in; she's been quiet for far too long. The group is sitting apart, Scott being comforted by someone he can rely on and Stiles and Lydia are as farther apart as they can be. And they're all together to celebrate the life of one of their own, the warrior fallen at the hands of the dark, and she'll never be with them again. Lydia will never see Allison smile or talk kindly the way she always did. Lydia won't have the chance to tell her that she fell in love with a boy who might not love her back anymore. She won't see Allison get back together with Scott and eventually get married and have kids. She won't see Allison make fun of Lydia for the banshee herself putting her family before her career in the odd chance that Lydia Martin would marry Stiles Stilinski and have his kids before winning a Fields Medal, if it ever came to it. She also doesn't get to tell her how she's been invisible to everyone and how small it makes her feel, how voiceless, how powerless. It's all too much and her best friend is dead and has been dead for a year. And Lydia could use her best friend right now.
"I'm so sorry, Scott…" Lydia whimpers, not able to hold in it anymore. "I know we promised not to cry for her but I- I can't, I-"
A tear rolls down her cheek when Scott nods in understanding, starting to cry too. He does so silently while Kira holds his hand and pulls him into a hug, letting him rest his head on her shoulder. Lydia, however, starts sobbing audibly and can't control her despair, the only sounds that can be heard in the house coming from her cries as she pulls her legs closer to her chest and hugs herself not to fall apart any further. It doesn't work though, and Stiles finds himself either running his hands through his hair and face repeatedly or covering his ears not to listen to Lydia in pain because this is all his fault.
"I'm so sorry, Scott. It hurts so much…" she continues. All she ever wanted for this day was to be strong for Scott and Stiles, for herself, for Allison, but it's not an option anymore, not as she keeps sobbing and choking on her own words as tears keep falling down her stained cheeks. "It- It hurts. It hurts so much, I'm so sorry…" she whispers.
Scott can't move, can't say a word, and Kira can't do anything but to hold him. And Stiles didn't want to move, he didn't want to do anything because he has done enough already. He took the lives of her best friend and boyfriend, he took them away from the girl he loves and left her alone for the better part of the last year while everything came crashing down on her, and everything she's feeling right now he can feel too. Because much like Lydia, he also lost a friend and a member of the pack, and his best friend lost his girlfriend because of him, and he almost lost Lydia and his mind too. And hearing her say out loud that she's hurting it's so out of character that she has to be dying inside. And so he stands up.
Sitting beside her, Stiles pulls her to him and Lydia can only be thankful that he did, that he moved to find her; she didn't have the strength to do it herself even if he's the one she needs the most. Lydia curls up beside him, placing her legs on his lap and tugging fiercely at his shirt as she cries harder, louder, like a small kid looking for safety. Stiles holds her close and runs a soothing hand up and down her back as the girl murmurs "It hurts. It's too much, Stiles. It's hurts so much." And it physically hurts her. It might not be as bad as it was when she screamed Allison's name that night, but it's damn close; different but almost the same. Lydia feels like she can't breathe and her chest aches like it never has before, a crushing pain engulfing her whole and the worst part is that she's sure it will never leave her, the feeling of loss over her best friend's death.
Lydia holds on to Stiles so ferociously that she's not sure she'll be able to stand up without him anymore. She can feel him anchoring her and even if she finds some peace of mind in that, it still doesn't make it any easier. And then Stiles starts crying too and the mood gets even more miserable because when he starts crying, Kira follows and Scott can be heard almost as much as Lydia at that point, and Lydia only holds on to the boy tighter.
To the redhead's incessant apologies, Stiles starts muttering "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" as he's now the one falling apart. And both Lydia and Scott know it's different because while Lydia is apologizing for breaking down and not being strong enough for them, Stiles is apologizing because he still thinks it's his fault. And it's such a heartfelt confession that the tree of them end up feeling empty inside, hollow as they never were, devoid of any other emotions but pure grief. And as they all cry until they can't anymore, they show what they haven't in months, letting out all of their sorrows in the dark of the night. Unable to stand the agony in Stiles' voice, Lydia distances herself from him enough to lean back on the couch, changing positions with the boy and pulling him to cry on her chest, running her hand through his hair to try and comfort him, to ease his pain.
The group eventually calms down even though they're still crying soundlessly, bringing back that heart wrenching silence they've dreaded so much and that rips through their souls more than the noise that could be heard before, and after a while Scott gets up. Wiping his tears away with his sleeve and closely followed by Kira, the Alpha walks until he's in front of the pair, placing a hand on Stiles' shoulder and another on Lydia's in reassurance. He squeezes gently to get their attention and when they look up, Scott tries his best to give them a small smile, one he can only hope is enough at the moment. "We're going to be okay." His voice comes out much more worn-out than he intended it to. Even though he wants to sound confident, it appears that he physically can't but he still tries his best. Kira places an arm around his waist, giving him strength. "We're all gonna be okay."
Scott leaves with Kira to get some air outside, leaving a mess of human limbs behind them. Curled up as they are, it's hard to tell where Stiles ends and Lydia begins. And if they're being honest, they don't even think they can breathe properly, let alone move. Lydia knows that he's still crying, she feels him letting out a whimper every once in a while so the same way he tried to hold her together, Lydia does the same for him. The girl starts murmuring comforting words in his ear, saying it wasn't his fault and that no one blames him, that he has nothing to feel guilty about but it only makes him cry harder. She lets him, kissing his forehead and looking for his hands to hold in hers, until he can't cry anymore. And when there are no more tears left, they quiet.
They stay still for so long, holding each other like their lives depend on it, that when they move it feels outlandish. They feel weak, a little lightheaded, too weary to think coherently. And so they let some more minutes pass trying to regain some of their lost strength in hopes that things get better, that they can get back some part of themselves they may have lost in their meltdown for it doesn't feel like they know themselves anymore. They don't know how long it passes, how long they breathe each other's air, how long they hold each other's hand and share a silence that gradually becomes more peaceful. And when it feels like they can breathe again, they try to move one more time.
Stiles looks up at Lydia, whose empty eyes are red and puffed from all the crying, who has stained cheeks with dry tears and is a little breathless, and he can't help but think of how broken she looks, how he's sure he is the exact same way, and it doesn't take him a second to crash his lips on hers. And the kiss is everything but gentle. It's rough and demanding and raw, heartfelt just like their emotions. They grab at the other with intent, kissing a little harder as time goes by, until they eventually need air. And when they part, mirroring stunned expressions adorn their features, both from surprise and relief.
Stiles cups her cheeks gently but determined, afraid that she might get away. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry it hurts." Lydia listens dauntless, knowing it's not the kiss he's talking about. "I want it to stop hurting. I want you to stop hurting." The last words come out a whisper. "Please forgive me."
Lydia sees how clear it is in his eyes. The guilt, the pain, the despair. And she wants to tell him he doesn't need forgiveness because this is not on him, nothing is his fault. Life happened and it sucks but it's the life they lead, and there's probably nothing they could have done differently. And still, she finds herself whispering to his lips "I forgive you. And I'm sorry too."
The look he gives her resembles the one after their first kiss, when Lydia can swear it looked like he was seeing the sun for the first time, only now he doesn't thank her. This time, in return, he leans in to kiss her again. And it's gentler now, softer, more comforting, healing. They find themselves wrapped up in each other again soon enough, slowly kissing, letting their emotions show so that the other is certain, knows for sure that this is real, that this is happening. And when they part, Lydia is almost afraid to let the words out but she has to, she needs to hear the words falling from his lips. Her big green eyes look right at his amber ones when she begs him. "I need you, Stiles. Please don't leave me again."
And he dies a little inside at her pleads because it's something he never thought she'd do. And so, as a promise, Stiles kisses her forehead, her cheek and her hand before placing a chaste kiss on her lips, before whispering "I won't" as he caresses her cheeks. He doesn't think he'd be able to, anyway. They smile genuinely for the first time in months.
Stiles and Lydia lie down on the couch spooning in silence, and as the night progresses their quiet is only disturbed twice.
"Does it ever get better?" she whispers, wishing to not bring their misery afloat again by remembering his mother; it had been more than enough for one night. She feels Stiles shake his head behind her.
"No," he whispers, his lips planting a kiss on her shoulder as he pulls her a little closer to him. "You just get stronger."
When Scott and Kira get back, they do the same as their friends and lie down on the other couch, exhaustion finally taking over all of them. And as they drift off to sleep, Lydia calls for her Alpha in a positive, optimistic tone, one that she hopes they can all hear in her voice. "We're gonna be okay, Scott," she sighs. "We're all gonna be okay." And in time, they will.
xxx
A/N: Feel free to leave me a review to let me know what you thought of the story.
Until next time xx
Susana