STAR WARS EPISODE VII: THE FORCE AWAKENS
AN UNAUTHORIZED PARODY
"Edgar Allen" Poe landed on the desert planet Jakku. His black X-wing with a raven emblazoned on it landed in a patch of sand near a village. He got out of the X-wing and his loyal droid, BB-8, beeped worriedly.
"Don't worry, Beebee-Ate," said Poe. "I'll be back in a minute."
Meanwhile, a squad of First Order Stormtroopers were landing near the village Tuanul. Captain Phasma, a British female Stormtrooper wearing fifteen-karat silver armor, briefed the soldiers aboard.
"Your task is simple," she lectured, her British accent still audible through the helmet's filters. "Find this man and bring him to Kylo Ren." She held out her personal holoprojector and showed his hologram to the squad of Stormtroopers. "His name is Lor San Tekka. Any questions?"
The trooper FN-2187 raised his hand. "What about civilian casualties?" he asked nervously.
"Obvious, Eff-Enn-Two-One-Eight-Seven," Phasma replied, slightly annoyed. "By sheltering a wanted fugitive of the First Order, they have declared war on us. Kill as many as possible. The First Order leaves no survivors."
Then the ship landed. The doors opened in front of a small cluster of hovels and ragged tents. This had to be the village Tuanul.
Poe walked into Lor San Tekka's. Poe walked over and sat down next to him.
"Welcome, Poe Dameron," Tekka said warmly. "I suppose you have come for the map."
"Yeah," replied Poe casually. house. Tekka was waiting for him, sitting on a stool in the corner "Can I have it?"
"Yes," said Tekka. "Keep it safe. Guard it with your life."
Tekka took out a block of pyrite. But wait-it was the map. It looked like a block of fool's gold, though. Funny.
"Um." said Poe. "Uh…."
Then he left Tekka's house and walked into the streets of Tuanul. But something was wrong. First Order Stormtroopers were here! Oh no!
Poe had to hide. The Stormtroopers were here! He ducked to hide behind a large rock.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a huge black ship with the name S.S.9x4=36 written on it in red. Next to that was the First Order logo.
BB-8 jumped out of the droid socket on the X-wing and rolled nervously up to Poe. Poe gave him the block of fool's gold-I mean the map to finding Luke Skywalker's whereabouts.
"Guard this with your life," Poe whispered urgently. "I have a crazy idea."
Then, the door to the big black ship opened with a hiss. Stormtroopers had lined up in rows in front of the ships, holding Lor San Tekka.
"I have a bad feeling about this," Poe said nervously as he chewed his nails.
Out of the door came a guy in a black cloak. He was wearing a black and gray metal (It had to be HOT in there on a summer day) HELMET on his head. It looked like a cross between a human skull and a snowboarder. On his belt dangled a cross, a bag of Tate's Bake Shop™ cookies, some spearmint Ice Breakers™, a Hershey's® Milk Chocolate candy bar, a packet of instant noodles, a lightsaber maintenance kit, a hammer, a monkey wrench, some nails, some nuts and bolts, duct tape, a small plank of wood, a flashlight, a skewer, a bag of marshmallows, a Thermos®, a hard hat, a box of matches, a blueprint, a blowtorch, his wallet, and his car keys (Whew!). In other words, his belt was seriously overloaded.
The Stormtroopers brought Tekka in front of the skeleton/snowboarder dude. But Poe knew his name. With a pang of dread, he recognized the person.
Kylo Ren, the feared enforcer of the First Order.
"I suppose you're going to kill me, are you, you monster?" Tekka spat.
Ren looked bored, even though he was wearing a HELMET. "What do you think, old man?"
The Stormtroopers forced Tekka to his knees in front of Ren. He took off the cross and pressed a button on it. It wasn't a cross-it was a lightsaber, the weapon of the Jedi. It still kinda looked like a cross, though.
Then Ren swung the lightsaber. Suddenly Tekka didn't have a head anymore. Just a smoking stump.
Then he took off the box of Ice Breakers™ and popped one into his mouth. He put the Ice Breakers™ back on his belt and kicked Tekka's body. He probably also would've spat on it, but he was wearing a HELMET.
Poe could feel his blood boiling. He took out his blaster and aimed at Ren. He shot. Ren signaled to the ship. A platoon of Stormtroopers carrying a long, thick hose aimed it at the blaster bolt. Liquid nitrogen came out, freezing the bolt in midair. Everyone started to curl up on the ground into a fetal position, shivering. Even the Stormtroopers. But Ren did not, even though thick frost had formed on his HELMET, his knees were shaking, his teeth were chattering underneath his HELMET, and he looked like he wanted to take out his Thermos® full of hot chocolate and drop to the ground in a fetal position and start shivering too.
Ren looked straight in the direction that Poe was hiding in. He walked over and dragged Poe in front of the Stormtroopers. Poe noticed that his breath, even though he was wearing a HELMET, smelled like mint, cookies, chocolate, noodles, and marshmallows (Poe had a good sense of smell). He saw Beebee-Ate roll off in the other direction, map safely in one of his storage units.
Keep going, Poe thought. Go where you need to go.
"Take this Resistance pilot onto the 9x4=36," Ren said. "Torture him for any good information we can get from him."
"YES SIR!" shouted all the Stormtroopers-except for one. FN-2187. He was starting to regret that he had ever enlisted with the First Order Stormtrooper army.
"Uh oh," said Poe. "Who talks first? Do you talk first? Do I talk first?"
"Shut up," snapped Ren. Then he slapped Poe across the face. His glove smelled like noodles and chocolate. Now Poe's face smelled like noodles and chocolate.
"Ouchy," said Poe. "That hurt."
And with that, Ren placed a piece of duct tape over Poe's mouth.
A few miles away, Rey the scavenger was salvaging the wreck of the Star Destroyer Crusher. She used a long rope, she slid down a cavernous, well, cave of metal. When she reached the bottom, she took a long sip out of her canteen, which had water in it. She looked over what she had found today: A Imperial Stormtrooper helmet in fair condition, a set of tools, and an eighteen-pack of Gatorade® that had not expired.
She got out of the Star Destroyer and loaded the salvage onto her patchwork speeder. At least it had an AM/FM radio. She sped back to Niima Outpost and sat down and started to polish her salvage (but not the Gatorade®) with shoe polish. Oh well. That's what they had on hand that day.
Then she picked up her salvage and brought it up to Unkar Plutt. He inspected her salvage and finally said, "One half of a hot dog."
Rey was outraged. That could have got her much more than that! But she just nodded, accepted the ration, and hopped on her speeder and sped back home.
Rey's home was in the belly of a giant, fallen AT-AT walker. She parked her speeder outside, left a few coins in the parking meter, and ducked inside. She went over to a fire merrily burning in a corner. She placed the half of the frozen hot dog she had gotten on the fire, letting it defrost.
As the hot dog defrosted, Rey took out a package of Quaker Oats® Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal and put in some hot water and stirred. When she was done stirring, the hot dog was done. She took the hot dog out of the fire and sat down outside. She put on some salvaged sunglasses to protect her from the sun.
Rey took a big bite of her hot dog and spooned in some oatmeal. When she was eating, she heard a beeping noise. It sounded mechanical. What could it be? She looked around the corner, and was very surprised about what she saw.
An orange and white BB-unit was curiously looking at the parking meter. When Rey noticed him, he was startled.
"Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt you," said Rey. "What's your name and where do you come from?" The droid answered.
"Oh. Classified?" said Rey disappointedly. "Me too. Big secret."
The droid asked if he could stay the night.
"No!" replied Rey firmly.
The droid kept begging her. Finally, after about half an hour of whining, Rey gave in.
"Fine. But you go in the morning," sighed Rey, half amused, half exasperated.
On the 9x4=36, Ren was torturing Poe.
"Hope you're comfortable," hissed Kylo Ren menacingly. "This is going to be a little hard on you."
"Yeah," replied Poe sarcastically, trying to break out of the restraints. "Awesome."
Ren sighed. "Anyway, I'm supposed to be torturing you. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? WHAT'S YOUR NAME WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" he yelled, waving his arms over his HELMETED head.
Poe chuckled. "I'm Poe, Poe Dameron. My friends call me 'Edgar Allen Poe' or 'Raven.'"
Ren continued. "WHERE IS THE MAP?" he hollered loudly. Poe tried to cover his ears. The Stormtroopers next door could hear him loud and clear. The glass on the one-way mirror shattered.
Poe could not hold up any part of his body because he was strapped to the table. He got cut all over.
"Okay, let's skip that one for now," Ren continued. "WHY DID YOU SHOOT AT ME? HUH? HUH? HUH?" he screamed as he did jumping jacks, much, much, much louder than before. A Stormtrooper walking by the detention block almost blacked out from the noise. Across the ship, General Hux and Captain Phasma became dizzy from the sound.
Poe chuckled. Then he started to laugh. And laugh. And laugh. His sides hurt like heck from laughing his head off.
Ren sighed. He got an idea. He would use the Force. The next time he asked, he forced Poe to answer, no matter if he liked it or not.
"Where is the map to finding Luke Skywalker?" he asked again.
"It's in a BB-unit on Jakku," Poe replied, against his will. His head was spinning in painful circles. "Orange and white."
Ren nodded. "Thanks. I'll tell Snoke you helped!" The he walked out of the room with a bounce in his step, humming "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah". The happy tone in his voice could not be stopped by his HELMET'S voice filters.
Poe sighed, recovering from the mental pain. That dude was weird. So weird that even though he was cut badly, he laughed.
From somewhere outside of where Ren was torturing Poe, a guy with a striped film thing and a camera who was wearing glasses (J.J. Abrams, director of this film, some people call him Jar Jar Abrams) yelled, "CUT! PERFECT! POE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SCREAM!"
The next morning, Rey went to salvage the Crusher. With BB-8 she found the best pieces of "junk." She finished much earlier, thanks to BB-8. She sped over to Niima Outpost when the sun was up in the middle of the sky.
When it was her turn to give Plutt the salvage, he tsk-tsked and said gleefully, "One full hot dog."
Steam was pouring out of Rey's ears. That had to be MUCH more than ONE hot dog!
Then Plutt noticed the droid. "I'll give one hundred hot dogs for that BB unit. Certain parties have been asking for a droid similar to that."
Certain parties? What in the entire galaxy was Plutt talking about? Suddenly, she got it. Plutt was trying to trick her into giving her the droid (Wrong, but, you know, right?)!
"No," she said confidently. The thugs cleaning their salvage looked up. "I won't."
"WHAT THE HECK!" roared Plutt. "Give the droid to me NOW!"
Rey ran through Niima Outpost, hoping to lose Plutt's thugs[ZL1] . She thought she was safe when she was almost out of town, but Plutt's thugs were faster. They caught up and tried to get BB-8 back.
Poe was lying on his interrogation table when a First Order Stormtrooper walked in.
"I'm here to rescue you," he said.
Poe thought he was hallucinating. A Stormtrooper was trying to rescue him!
"Uh…OK!" replied Poe. The Stormtrooper loosened his restraints and led him out, helmet back on. "Why?"
"Because it's the right thing to do," replied the Stormtrooper tersely.
They made it to the hangar and sneaked up to a Special Forces TIE Fighter. It was glossy black with two huge laser cannons sticking out of it. Its wings were hexagonal and flat, solar panels coating them.
"Quickly!" the Stormtrooper whispered. "We don't wanna get noticed!"
They climbed into the cockpit, still unnoticed. When they started to move the TIE out of the hangar, they discovered that it was superglued to the wall! Poe blasted the superglue apart with the cannons. Then they soared out of the 9x4=36 into freedom.
Poe and the Stormtrooper were talking as they escaped.
"My name is Poe Dameron," said Poe. "What's yours?"
"Eff-Enn-Two-One-Eight-Seven," replied the Stormtrooper.
"That's too hard to say. Let's call you Finn," Poe decided.
They were headed toward Jakku when one of the 9x4=36's cannons hit one of the wings. They were now hurtling toward Jakku at one thousand miles an hour.
"This is NOT good," said Poe. He tried to press the ejection seat, but he realized that he was tired, so he decided to take a nap.
Meanwhile, Finn had opened one of the windows and was roasting marshmallows. Then he realized that they were crashing.
He ejected five seconds before they hit the ground.
When he touched down on the surface, the TIE fighter was a few feet away. It looked bad. Poe was probably dead. Finn was really sad for Poe. He had tried to help him escape, but the escapee was now dead. But in the distance, he saw a town. He ran toward it, taking off his armor and putting on a salvaged flight jacket as he went. When he reached the town, he was relieved that it wasn't a mirage. Then he saw something that surprised him.
A girl and a small BB-unit droid was fighting two thugs in the street. She hit one with her staff, drawing some blood and knocking him out. The other thug tried to hit her from behind, but she ducked and elbowed him hard in the chest.
Finn ran over to see if he could help. The girl looked okay, though.
Then the girl noticed Finn.
"What's your hurry, thief?" she growled menacingly as the droid squealed at her.
On the 9x4=36, Kylo Ren, Captain Phasma, and General Hux were puzzling over something. Why had FN-2187 helped the captive escape? As they puzzled over this, Ren held in his arms a giant orange cat with unusually long incisors. This was Bob Thompson Cattius Ren, Kylo Ren's loyal saber-tooth tiger.
"Meow," said Bob.
"This Stormtrooper is exceptional," Hux puzzled. "He is a model Stormtrooper, yet he helped your prisoner escape."
Ren nodded. "Yes. That's true."
"And he has passed all tests with flying colors, both physical and mental," added Phasma.
Bob was fidgeting in Ren's arms. He wanted food. He started to mewl loudly.
Hux then came up with something. "He's probably too soft. He cares about others too much."
Phasma agreed. "Even though he is a model Stormtrooper, he cares too much about his comrades. This is why. I've got it! He escaped to Jakku! I'll send a squad down to the trajectory!"
Ren growled. "That traitor. I will make sure I dispose of him properly."
Bob could not wait any longer to eat. He leaped out of Ren's arms, ran to the nearest Stormtrooper, and sank his long fangs into his leg. The Stormtrooper yelled in pain.
"OW. OW. OW. OW!" hollered the Stormtrooper.
"Oops," said Ren. "I forgot to feed Bob. Wait a minute."
He ran over to the Stormtrooper. At least it hadn't reached his carotid artery. Ren tried to yank Bob out of the Stormtrooper. Bob wouldn't budge. He held on tighter.
"Bob," Ren warned. "If you don't let go of FN-5683, I'll have to use the lightsaber again!"
Bob let out a muffled whimper, but he still didn't let go.
"If you say so," growled Ren, exasperated. Then he ignited his lightsaber and swung toward Bob.
Bob let go right on the nick of time. He darted behind Ren and whimpered.
"Good boy, Bob," said Ren, patting him on the head. Then he took out a first aid kit and started to tend to the wounded Stormtrooper.
"That was… awkward," Phasma interjected.
"Yeah," agreed Hux. "Weird."
"Oh! I AM the one who has feeding duty this week!" Phasma admitted sheepishly. "Oy, Bob, come here!"
Bob bounded over to Phasma. Phasma went to get a bag of cat food. She poured into Bob's food bowl. He happily munched away.
Finn had no idea what the girl was talking about. But as the girl was about to prod him again with her staff, they heard an explosion. Stormtroopers had arrived.
The girl held him up. "We'll deal with you later. But now, we need to get out of here!"
TIE fighters zoomed overhead as the two people and the droid raced to the docking bay to find something to fly.
Finn pointed to an A-wing. "We can go on that!"
Then a TIE fighter dropped a bomb on it and the A-wing exploded.
Rey pointed to a huge, flat, gray ship. "The garbage will do!"
She tugged Finn to the ship and they boarded. As a platoon of Stormtroopers came into the docking bay, the door closed and the shields came up.
"Phew!" said Rey. She booted up the ship and flew it out of the hangar into the sky.
A squad of TIE fighters chased after them into the starship graveyard. Rey navigated while Finn shot at the TIEs chasing them. Rey piloted the ship through the graveyard, flipping and whirling as she tried to throw the TIEs off their track. A few of the enemy fighters did explode, crashing into the walls of the fallen starships. When all of the TIES had crashed, she exited and pulled the ship up into the stars.
When the 9x4=36 docked with Starkiller Base, the First Order's headquarters, Kylo Ren was about to get some bad (To the First Order, that is) news.
A captain walked up to him near one of the Base's control panels and said nervously, "W-we have g-gotten word that the traitor Stormtrooper has e-escaped from J-Jakku."
Ren was infuriated. Steam was pouring out of his ears, nose, eyes, and mouth. He ignited his lightsaber. He started to slash at the panel until it looked like molten lava.
When he was done, his face was red, he was panting heavily, and his HELMET was hot to the touch. "Anything else?" he asked the captain, who was curled up onto the ground in a fetal position.
"T-t-they escaped w-w-with the help o-o-o-of a girl," the captain stuttered, dreading the worst. He was right.
PROFANITY ALERT! BIG, BIG PROFANITY ALERT! PROFANITY ALERT!
Ren had had enough. He screamed, "WHAT THE F**K! THAT STUPID FREAKING IDIOT OF A STORMTROOPER! WHY DID A B**** OF A GIRL HELP HIM ESCAPE?! GAWDDAMN IT!"
While letting out a bloodcurdling scream of pure, animalistic, insane, uncontrolled anger like from a horror movie (think Jaws when the shark eats the people), Ren Force-choked the captain and threw him aside. Underneath Ren's helmet, his eyes glowed red and yellow (okay, I'm probably exaggerating.).
"Ouch," said the captain, rubbing his head and adjusting his cap. "That hurt."
Satisfied, Ren left the room.
Rey and Finn were cruising among the stars when a jolt shook their ship.
"Tractor beam," said Rey. "Could be Stormtroopers."
"Oh no," said Finn. "Let's hide!"
BB-8 agreed and started rolling around, trying to find a hiding place.
But it was too late. A door opened and an old man in a flight jacket and a tall, hairy Wookiee came in.
"Chewie, we're home," said the old man.
Then he noticed Finn and Rey. "What are you doing on MY ship?" he asked, taking out his blaster.
"We needed to get away from Jakku because First Order Stormtroopers were attacking," replied Rey defensively. "We found it in the docking bay. Unkar Plutt stole it."
"Oh," said the man. "Then you tell him that Han Solo has gotten the Millennium Falcon back for good!"
Finn's jaw dropped. HAN SOLO? The all-time record holder of the Kessel Run, the famous Rebellion general? Right here on this bucket of bolts, in PERSON?
Rey was surprised too. "Wow," was all she could manage.
"So, where are you headed?" asked Han. "Huh?"
"Anywhere that's far away from Jakku," replied Finn and Rey at the same time. They looked at each other at the same time and both replied, "Jinx! You owe me a soda!"
"Well, then, I have the right place for you naughty little stowaways," said Han with a crooked smile. "Takodana."
"Roooooar!" said Chewbacca, agreeing.
On Starkiller Base, General Hux, Bob, Captain Phasma, and Kylo Ren were getting ready for something. They were going to demonstrate the power of Starkiller Base by firing it.
On the Base's parade grounds, thousands and thousands and thousands of Stormtroopers were lined up in front of a huge stage with an even more colossal flag bearing the logo of the First Order. Below that, there was a podium with a microphone. General Hux walked up to it.
"Testing, testing, one, two, three, four, five, six," he said into the mic. "Perfect!" Then the REAL speech started.
"Today, we are going to show the New Republic that the First Order is truly stronger!" he yelled into the microphone. Then Ren took the mic.
"We are going to fire the cannon for Starkiller Base and direct it toward the New Republic's capital!" he hollered into the mic. "ARE YOU READY TO ROLL?" The mic made a screeching sound-the sound of feedback. Ren had, one too many times, yelled too loud into the microphone. The Stormtroopers covered their ears.
"YEAH!" all the Stormtroopers answered as one. They all shook their fists in the air, threw their helmets in the air, and started to chant, "FIRST OR-DER! FIRST OR-DER!"
Bob then yowled loudly (which was hard for him, having such long incisors), which was the signal to fire the cannon. Phasma pulled on the trigger.
A huge beam of pure, blood red power shot out of the 10000 foot caliber cannon and shot toward the capital.
In a matter of minutes, the capital of the New Republic was no more. It had been blasted into oblivion.
When the Falcon was nearing Takodana, Rey's jaw dropped. She had never, ever seen so much green in her whole wide life! When she landed, though, she got a huge surprise.
A huge castle with thousands of banners decorating the front stood in front of them. The castle had an enormous wooden gate that was open, with many people and other species coming in and out.
Han assigned Chewbacca to protect the Falcon. Then he, Finn, BB-8, and Rey went into the castle.
A tiny figure the size of a large dog was waiting for them. She-or was it a he-was bald and had wrinkled skin and had huge goggles and a red bandana tied around her head.
"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-an (deep breath) Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-ooooooooooooooooooooolo," she said.
"Hiya, Maz," replied Han. "How's business?"
"Barely able to rent this dump of a castle!" Maz yelled back. "Because of this nincompoop who hasn't paid me for fifty years! Hey! Why don't you and your friends join me for some food?"
Finn ate his fill of the feast Maz served him, but Rey was eating like a machine, finishing plate after plate after plate after plate after plate after plate after plate after plate after plate after plate of chow. In total, she ate at least twenty plates of food.
Suddenly, Rey had the urge to explore the castle. It pulled her to the castle's basement. It drew her to a small box. She opened it.
Inside the box was a metal cylindrical object with a button on it. She touched it.
Suddenly, the basement disappeared and it was replaced with a vision. Something that she had just managed to get out of her mind.
A little girl was playing in the sand, being watched by an older woman and some others. Suddenly the girl slipped and fell. Spitting out sand, she got up. Then she fell over again. The woman and the other people watching laughed. The girl cringed in embarrassment. Rey knew that that girl was her, and the woman was her mother.
Suddenly the vision changed to a young man in black clothes and spiky blond hair and an older man in a black cape and a skull-like helmet. He was breathing very heavily. They were fighting each other with glowing blades of color, one green, and the other one red. The older man with the red blade and heavy breathing said, "Join me Luke, and we can rule the galaxy together."
The young man he had called Luke replied, "Nah, reading's better." Rey laughed at his response.
The vision shifted one last time. It changed to a scene of seven people and a mammoth orange cat with unusually long incisors wrapped in black cloaks, standing in pouring rain. Each one was wearing a different HELMET. One of them was wearing a World War II gas mask. One of them wore a conquistador helmet. One of them wore a knight helmet. But one of them stood out against the others. He was wearing a monstrous metal HELMET (alliteration, kind of) that looked like a skull and carried a cross-shaped blade that was familiar to Rey. She had seen something eerily similar to it in the previous vision. Lightsabers. The weapon of the Jedi. A flash of lightning streaked across the sky, and the vision was gone. She was still in Maz's castle. She breathed a sigh of relief.
Then, Maz entered the basement. "The lightsaber. It called to you."
"Oh. Okay," replied Rey, still dumbstruck at what she had just seen. "That was weird."
Then, for no apparent reason, she bolted out of the castle. BB-8 noticed and followed her.
She kept running until she reached the woods. BB-8 was still with her.
Then Rey noticed something wrong. TIE fighters were zooming overhead. Those monsters. The First Order had arrived.
Meanwhile, back at the castle, Finn was wondering where Rey had gone.
"Where did Rey go?" he asked Maz.
"She ran out into the woods," she replied. "Don't worry. She'll be fine."
Then there was a rumbling noise outside. A smaller, blacker, more personalized to SOMEONE'S ship than the 9x4=36 with the words 8x4=32 and the First Order logo was closing in on Takodana.
"Those beasts," Maz growled. "They're here."
The Stormtroopers unloaded from the troop carrier ships. They started to fire on the castle, as relentlessly as possible. Screams could be heard as the people who had blasters fired back.
Finn was scared.
"I DON'T HAVE A WEAPON!" HE TOLD MAZ. "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIGHT?"
She gave him the lightsaber. "You have one now."
Finn ignited the lightsaber. A blade of blue erupted from it, ending about a meter away. It was weightless, yet he knew that it could be deadly. He had seen many an unlucky control panel fall to a very angry Kylo Ren with a lightsaber.
The Stormtroopers charged the castle, destroying the statue in front of it. Finn rushed a Stormtrooper, cutting through him like he was nonexistent with his lightsaber. Chewbacca had come over with an enormous bowcaster in hand, shooting Stormtroopers left and right. Han was by his side, taking out yet more Stormtroopers with his pistol.
Suddenly, a Stormtrooper with a riot control baton struck at Finn. He ducked and swung back with the lightsaber.
"You dirty little TRAITOR!" yelled the Stormtrooper. Finn noticed that he was distracted so he sliced through him, armor, skin, muscle, vein, carotid artery (NOW he can go bye-bye), and bone.
Rey was in the forest with BB-8 when the Stormtroopers came. They saw her and fired, red blasts of power directed straight at her. She took out the antique salvaged pistol she used for EMERGENCIES ONLY and shot back. The Stormtroopers fell to her shots coming right back at them.
Suddenly the same figure and cat from her vision carrying the red lightsaber that looked like a cross came out of the bushes behind her and…did nothing but just stand there.
ROMANCE (ISH) ALERT! ROMANCE ALERT!
Kylo Ren's jaw dropped beneath his HELMET. So did Bob's.
That girl was totally knockout GOREGEOUS. Immediately, he forgot his orders to bring back the girl who had helped the traitor escape-but she was just so beautiful.
All he could do was stand there and look like a moron and say, "Gah…gah…gah…" Bob was doing the same thing.
Rey broke the awkward silence by saying, "You're supposed to kidnap me, right? Isn't that part of the rising actions of this movie?"
From somewhere outside of where Rey and Ren were standing, a guy with a striped film thing and a camera who was wearing glasses (J.J. Abrams) yelled, "CUT! PERFECT! A LITTLE MORE TO THE RIGHT NEXT TIME, OKAY, BOB?"
Bob said, "Meow, meow, meow mew, mew, mew, mewl, mewl grunt growl hiss purrrrr." (TRANSALATION: FINE! I CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE! BOSS WANTS ME TO STAND HERE, RIGHT?)
"Oh yeah!" Ren replied. Then he picked Rey up and carried her to the 8x4=32. Rey didn't object, because it was part of the plot. Then Rey fainted for no apparent reason. Probably she was tired.
BB-8 rolled back to the castle to Han and Chewbacca.
Han saw Kylo Ren carry off Rey to the 8x4=32. At the sight of this, his heart broke. He had a dark secret.
Ren, the second (after Supreme Leader Snoke) on the Galactic Federal Bureau of Investigation's Top 5 Most Wanted, Dead or Alive, Reward $100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (one septillion dollars) was Han Solo and Leia Organa's son.
Finn was shocked and relieved when the X-wings came. Resistance X-wings. They blasted the Stormtroopers into piles of, well, dead Stormtrooper and pretty much saved everyone's skins.
A pure black X-wing with a raven emblazoned on it intentionally dived down low enough so Finn could see who was inside. The person inside waved at Finn. It was Poe! He had survived the crash! Finn felt like doing a victory dance, but Rey had been captured by his old boss.
When Rey woke up, she was strapped to an interrogation table. She noticed that there were glass shards all over the floor and the window was broken. The cat and the guy who had a crush on her were in the room.
"I suppose you and your cat are going to torture me, right, you suitor?" she assumed angrily.
Ren didn't respond. He was still looking like a stupid moron and saying "Gah…gah…gah…where the droid…cookies…gah…gah…the storeroom is out of orange juice…gah…gah…you're pretty...gah…gah…"
Rey forgot that this was a movie and the cameraman was nearby. She HATED suitors. She wanted to stay single. She wanted to kill this guy and raid his personal stash of Tate's Bake Shop™ Chocolate Chip Cookies.
"W-where are my friends?" she asked a little too meekly.
"Gah…gah…-I mean I don't know," Ren replied. "I DUNNO! WHY DID YOU ASK? I know you still wanna kill me. You look like one of those psychos with old hockey masks and a chainsaw, except that you don't have a hockey mask or a chainsaw. And you're not a psycho. At least she's not a psycho. Not a psycho. Not a psycho. Why did I just say that?"
"Thank you," retorted Rey, not the least bit thankful. She was staring at her captor. "Because I'm being held captive by a suitor in a weird helmet on a planet gone HMS Dreadnought, well you know, with the giant cannon and all."
ROMANCE ALERT! ROMANCE ALERT!
Ren made up his mind (Like he had ever had one, ha-ha…) and took off his HELMET.
Now it was Rey's turn to go "Gah…gah…gah…pretty…gah…"
Her captor had a VERY, VERY BAD case of helmet hair. It was sticking in all directions except for the right one. Rey guessed that if he didn't have such a bad case of helmet hair, it would have been curly.
He looked like an average college guy who was bent on taking over the galaxy, of course.
Bob was purring loudly. He was glad that Rey liked his owner back.
Rey was still saying "Gah…gah…gah…" when Ren said with a moony look in his eyes, (MAJOR ROMANCE/GROSS-OUT ALERT) "I L*VE you too…gah…gah…gah…"
He was drooling all over Rey's shirt.
Then he regained focus. "Anyhoo, I NEED TO KNOW STUFF ABOUT THE MAP ON THE ORANGE BB-UNIT!" he yelled, doing the Chicken Dance.
"Honestly, I have no idea," replied Rey. "Noooooooo clue. I could swear that on a thousand Bibles."
Then she tried something. If the lightsaber back in the castle called to her, she could be Force-sensitive! She decided to go fortune teller and read this guy's mind. She went in, mentally.
Even though Rey didn't have a crystal ball or was at Hogwarts, her captor's mind was easy to read, like a beginner book, in a way.
She began. "Your real name is Benjamin Solo. You call yourself Kylo Ren. Your favorite flavor of ice cream is rum raisin on a dipped cone. You[ZL2] like to read sci-fi and fantasy, especially Star Wars and Percy Jackson. Hmm. I wonder what that is.
"Anyway, You eat coffee and peanut butter at least once every day, your cat's name is Bob, you like to read Dog Fancy, you have been saving money in your piggy bank since you were five, you go surfing at Malibu Beach in the summer, your nickname is 'Red Hot Carolina Reaper', you own a Ford Quadricycle, you drink caffeinated coffee, you hate the sun, you dropped out in school in kindergarten, you have a bachelor's degree in lightsaber fighting, you have exactly about, um, 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 Stormtroopers, not including a 'Captain Phasma', you sleep with a teddy bear, your favorite president is Richard Milhous Nixon, you want Donald Trump to be president (WOW! THAT'S SO STUPID!), you have a crush on me, and your favorite word is 'eggnog', you like carving the Thanksgiving turkey, your salary is $1000/hour, you eat glitter for breakfast, you think 'I' is spelled 'I-Y', which it isn't, you wear Pokémon® pajamas, your employer's name is Supreme Leader Snoke, your employer's…uh…employer's name is J.J. Abrams, and you fear you'll never be as strong as…Darth Vader."
Rey was finished.
"WHAT?!" yelled Ren. "Now I'm just embarrassed that you know that I sleep with a teddy bear!" His cheeks were turning the same shade of red as his lightsaber.
Rey laughed. "Who's so awesome now," she bragged, "You, or me?"
Ren was fuming. "You," he admitted angrily before storming out the door and putting his HELMET back on. "Of cooourrse."
Ren's head was on fire. Um said Hux. Bob had jast mated.
[ZL1]
[ZL2]Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha