Some Nights

Alfred had spent the last few weeks awake at night and panicking about the future. He had nightmares about his new found independence coming back at him and blowing up in his face, he kept seeing Arthur stare up at him with tears in his eyes, he kept seeing Mattie stand still as if being torn by two separate sides. He had no idea what to do next, he hadn't learnt enough to be on his own, he needed someone to fall back on but now he didn't have anyone. That was what 'independence' meant, to be on your own, to handle yourself single-handedly. It sent shivers down his spine. At first he was excited by the idea, inspired even, it made a thousand butterflies flap around excitedly in the pit of his stomach. Now it made his insides churn with terror, made tears spring to his eyes and made him lose a whole lot of sleep.

"Mon cher, you don't look like yourself," his eyes snapped up to blink at the man sat opposite him. Francis had taken it upon himself to drop in and visit every few weeks to make sure that Alfred was still alive since he helped the younger male become independent, much to his long-time rival's distaste. His lips were pulled up in a slight bemused smile but his eyebrows were knitted together with concern. Alfred took a minute to regain his thoughts before forcing a smile,

"Yeah, I'm fine. So, how's Mattie been lately?" Francis' face fell for a nanosecond before he gave a little grin and took a sip of the coffee Alfred had made for him. He forced back a gag at the bitterness and peered at the American from the top of the cup, Alfred peered at him a little anxiously now, the Frenchman was usually quick to the point and blunt, sometimes in the worst situations.

"I haven't seen him," he gave a little sad sigh before smiling again, "He's not very pleased with me, to tell you the truth."

"Oh?" Alfred persisted, Matthew was very fond of his French caretaker. He always adored him, he held Francis in extremely high regards and usually covered his ears when another nation, usually Arthur, would speak badly of him. He still admired the man after he gave him away to Arthur, deeming himself unsuitable to look after another nation. Francis nodded and placed the cup in his lap, his index finger traced around the rim of it and he peered into the coffee as if he was avoiding Alfred's gaze.

"Oui, he said I should have left you both to it. He's been with Arthur a lot lately, although it's not like Arthur exactly wants him to be there. He feels obligated, I suppose.." Alfred felt his breath catch in his throat, he attempted to look composed and gave a little grin.

"How do you know this? Have you visited Arthur yourself?" Francis tilted his head back and gave a laugh, showing each and every one of his beautiful pearly white teeth but almost looking predatory as he did so.

"I attempted to, he wasn't best pleased either. Mon petit Matthieu stepped in when he was about lob his favourite teapot at me but before that I had to dodge a hundred and one assortments of cutlery." Alfred gave a light chuckle himself before looking down and feeling his eyes start to sting a little bit, he grinned and stood, making his way over to the Frenchman.

"Well, this was...Great, again. I don't mean to throw you out, Francis but I need to do some boring work stuff that I've been trying to avoid lately." Francis ducked his head and gave a little grin before standing up and placing the unfinished cup of coffee down on the small table to his side before clapping his hand on the younger nation's shoulder, his eyes narrowed a little at the corners and small crinkles showed up where his smile hit his eyes. Alfred always liked it when Francis smiled at him, the man had a good aura about him when he wasn't trying to molest anything with a pulse, when Francis smiled it was like a father smiling proudly down at their son, he seemed strangely parental. His brow crinkled slightly as if he was thinking as he looked to his left as if searching for the right words before murmuring,

"No matter... Now, Alfred if you ever need any.. er... Support. Yes, support. I'm only a phone call away, okay?" It was a kind enough gesture, he knew that Francis meant well by it but he suddenly felt pretty patronised. He had declared his independence because he wanted to show everyone he could do this on his own, that he didn't need anyone fussing over him twenty-four-seven, even if his decision backtracked on him now. He let out a chuckle before nodding his head and raising a quizzical brow at him,

"I'm fine Francis, honestly."

Okay. He wasn't fine. He was exhausted. Every time he closed his eyes and tried to settle down it was as if his bedsheets turned into waves trying to swallow him whole, licking at his limbs as he tossed and turned, entranced with whatever nightmare that took his mind hostage for the night. He had began to show his tiredness too. His skin was still bronzed but had a grey tinge to it, his aqua eyes were lined with bags and dark circles, his smile seemed more strained. He had been trying hard to make sure no one noticed, however. So far it had been pretty successful, no one had asked him about them yet but he wasn't stupid, he saw Francis glance at him worriedly, saw the Frenchman's eyes hover over the dark rings and how the American slumped and seemed more gaunt than usual. Alfred still smiled though because that was what was expected of him, most countries who had just won their freedom were happy, right? So he would be happy. That was just the way it went.

…..

"I won't allow it!"

…...

"Sir, are you not staying for the festivities? It must be exciting, right? The first anniversary of this country's independence... That sounds good doesn't it, sir?"Alfred grinned at the enthusiastic young man, new to the American army and ecstatically peering up at his nation with all the wide-eyed sweetness that saw no flaws with his country. Alfred chuckled slightly as he slung his coat on lazily before making his way for the door, giving the young boy a feeble punch to his shoulder,

"I have somewhere to go, you have fun for me though, okay? Tell me about it when I get back."

"Yes sir!"

Alfred sighed and racked a hair through his hair as a humid breeze shifted through the air and brushed gently at his skin, he smiled as he looked around. It was a pretty average summer day, the sun hung high in the sky and there were few clouds. He should be in his office, smiling obediently at officials and bowing his head when it was needed but he couldn't find the willpower to do it. It had been a year, his sleeping had gone back to being relatively normal, he could smile without straining and he started to believe he could genuinely do this whole thing without screwing up too badly. He still strayed away from his own home when he should want to be staying, his feet took him elsewhere and before he knew it the day was the fourth of July and he was outside his old caretaker's house.

It was late and dark, the air was cooler now but still not cold enough to make Alfred shiver like it usually did when he was around Arthur's place. He blinked at the house in front of him, light came from the windows but the curtains were drawn, a certain hostility lay around it but hidden underneath the cold atmosphere about it, there was a warmness. He felt his heart leap into his throat as he self consciously walked up the path to the door, reluctantly his hand formed into a fist and he pounded on the door, his eyes widened as he did so, as if he couldn't comprehend that he actually did it. He heard a few buzzes of noise and some scuffling and then the door opened, revealing his smaller brother that he hadn't seen in a year.

Matthew didn't seem as happy to see him as Alfred was. He paled as he blinked behind his frames, his eyes widened for a minute and then narrowed as his brow furrowed and his voice turned into a quiet hiss.

"What are you doing here?" he whispered, looking behind his shoulder anxiously as he did so. Alfred's lips twinged into a tiny smile as he raised a brow, trying to regain composure and cling to it desperately. He coughed a little trying to make sure his voice didn't come out raspy and reached behind his neck to scratch at his neck nervously, Matthew stared at him, his lip jutting out a little as he impatiently awaited an answer.

"Jeez, nice to see you too Mattie," he sniggered slightly, "Is Artie there? I wanted to..."

"I don't think he'd want to see you right now," it was the first time Alfred heard Matthew speak with venom behind his words, he glared up at the taller nation before clutching at the door handle so hard that his knuckles whitened, "Now if that's all you wanted..."

"Matthieu! Who's that?" Alfred smiled at the heavy accent, suddenly thankful for the flamboyance of it, he wouldn't have to face the night alone after all. Francis appeared next to the Canadian, his eyebrows raising in surprise. The Frenchman's visits lessened as the first months of Alfred's independence tumbled by clumsily, his lips broke into a broad grin and he outstretched his arms.

"Amerique! What brings you here?" Matthew glared up at the elder, obviously still not forgiven him completely yet but the fact that Francis was at Arthur's house and had no stab wounds on him that were visible apparent was miraculous enough.

"He was just leaving actually, weren't you Al?" The little Canadian said steely, not even bothering to look at the taller man in the doorway. Alfred stared at him for a minute, hurt by the abruptness of how the boy he thought of as a brother was addressing him but trying not to make it visible on his face. Francis tilted his head and peered at the American, his lips pursed in a slight pout and his brow knitted together uncertainly.

"No... I mean, not yet," Alfred said staring at Matthew who sighed as soon as the words came from the American's mouth, "I actually wanted to see Arthur. If that's okay with him, of course."

"Well it's not!" Matthew barked, his brow furrowing and his face flushing. It was so out of character of him to talk back and in such a manner, it made the two other men stare at him silently for a minute before Francis heaved a little sigh and put his arm around the smaller boy's shoulders.

"Mon cher, you don't know that..."

"No, you don't know that, you haven't been here! You haven't seen how..."

"Seen what?"

The atmosphere got heavy with silence you would have to cut through with a chainsaw as Arthur appeared in the passageway, his eyebrows raised quizzically and a confused look on his face. Alfred couldn't see him past Francis and Matthew, he strained his neck to try and catch a glimpse before the door was undoubtedly slammed in his face, he only heard the gentle accent laced with a small chuckle. Matthew turned on his heel quickly and tried to smooth it all over, his voice getting sweet again as he stammered something almost inaudible. Francis continued to look at Alfred, his eyes scanned over the American for a moment as he considered everything, his tongue clicking against his teeth as he observed Alfred intently before turning as well, his voice cutting over Matthew's frail accent in an authoritative boom.

"You have a visitor, Arthur."

"Oh? Well move aside then, let the poor bugger come in. Have you both been blocking them all this time? That's not very polite, you should know better."

"Arthur, I don't think you'd want to see this visitor..." Matthew said, trying to keep his voice gentle but failing as he glared up at the Frenchman next to him. Alfred felt his throat clench together in anticipation, he shuffled his feet and his hand quickly went up to smooth his hair down.

"Don't be daft, lad. Let them in now." Francis grabbed the Canadian's wrist and he pulled him out of the way, revealing the slightly dishevelled American stood on the doorstep. Arthur's face fell as his green eyes traced over each of Alfred's features individually. He had gotten thinner, Alfred noted, his skin had more colour due to the sunny weather of July and he was dressed casually, not so uptight in stiff suits Alfred had become accustomed to seeing him in. Alfred gave a wry smile and an awkward wave as the Englishman continued to stare at him.

"You...You got glasses," Arthur mumbled, unsure what to say. Alfred's hand went up to the frames and he nodded gently, his smile widening just a little as he did so.

"You always moaned at me for bumping into things and being clumsy, turns out I did need them after all. Funny, huh?" Arthur gave a nod, his eyebrow knitted together and his lips pursed, he looked almost too serious as he looked the other man up and down before opening his lips as if he was going to say something and then sighing dejectedly.

"You were right Matthew, I don't want to see this visitor," he turned before briskly making his way back to his living room, Matthew watched the man's retreating frame before turning to Alfred again, his wide eyes filled with tears but he masked them, addressing the American sternly before Alfred gave into temptation and pushed past, following Arthur into the room he had just gone into.

He found Arthur sat in his chair, head in his hands and cursing under his breath, the Brit looked up on the other's arrival before mumbling again and glaring at him. His anger usually got the better of Arthur, he would jump to conclusions quickly and act brashly before considering everything. He rose, albeit a little shakily from his chair, and stood at his full height. He had reduced himself to a crying mess in front of his former colony on their last meeting, had thrown his gun aside and fell to his knees. He was ready to show Alfred that it was not him, that he was still the Great British empire, with or without the American.

"You've no right to show up, acting so casual, tonight of all nights," he wasn't yelling, he spoke calmly but through gritted teeth, "Now remove yourself before I make you."

"It wasn't my fault!" Alfred retorted, his eyes shining behind his frames, "Your King was bleeding my people dry! You could have done something but you didn't and... And I'm not a kid any more, England!"

Arthur rolled his eyes as Matthew and Francis came into view, and hovered by the doorway, Francis holding the little Canadian back. The Englishman gave a bitter laugh and pushed past Alfred and over to the teapot holding tea he had only brewed a few minutes before the disruption. He had hoped for a quiet night in, Francis and Matthew had showed up, probably to make sure he wasn't going to get drunk and do something stupid. He'd brewed tea, planned to sit down and chatter to his visitors until they were satisfied that he wasn't going to run around crying and screaming around the streets before retiring to his bedroom with a book and going to sleep peacefully, moping about his colony was not in the plans, he was going to completely forget anyone called Alfred or a country called America existed and continue with everyday life. Now Alfred had shown up and forced him to face reality, he had spent months being depressed and sad about his younger brother growing up and leaving him and he finally thought he had gotten over it. All hopes of that came crashing down when he saw the American on the doorstep.

"Well this was a very mature thing to do, darkening my doorstep after a whole year of not seeing hide or hair of you. You said it yourself didn't you, all you want is your freedom, if I remember it correctly? Well you got it. What do you want from me? Congratulations? Then allow me to laugh in your face and personally chuck you out of my house. You're not my little brother any more, right? I'm under no obligation to have you flaunt your independence like the arrogant idiot you are, so get out."

"Angleterre..." Oh and there was the Frog. Trying to reason, trying to make everything seem okay. His voice made Arthur's skin crawl as he turned on his heel and glared at the Frenchman, signalling for him to shut up. Francis stared at him before tutting and shaking his head before averting his eyes. He had done it to hurt Arthur, the British man knew this, they had the same back-and-forth for the past few years but for a slight moment he had thought the Frenchman and him had a slight uneasy truce but then out of nowhere he decided to help Arthur's most loved colony run from him and that was even without Arthur burning any of Francis' lovers that time.

"I..." His ears perked up slightly as Alfred shuffled closer to the Englishman, despite his head screaming at him not to, he turned and looked at the American. Alfred paused for a minute, his eyes stinging slightly before running to Arthur and throwing his arms around him and burying his head in the crook of the older man's neck as he cried. He looked reminiscent of a large child clinging onto their parent after taking a tumble or something. His sobs weren't too loud, they broke slightly and for a minute Arthur thought he was laughing until he felt the tears trickle down his bare skin. He stood rigidly, his stubborn streak becoming dominant over the urge to comfort the other, the boy's frames dug into his neck uncomfortably but he didn't mention it, he was too wrapped up in trying to appear in control and stoic.

"I don't like it," Alfred mumbled, "I miss you, I miss Mattie."

"You should have thought about that," came Arthur's cold reply, though his stern look faltered.

"I know... I know and I'm sorry. Everyone expects so much of me now, I don't know what to do for any of them and no matter how confused I look, they still look up to me and... and.. I don't understand it." Arthur heaved a sigh before letting a hand go to the American's head and patted the boy's gentle blond hair making Alfred blink rapidly in shock and look at the Englishman who seemed to see past him.

"That's what being a nation's like, idiot," his voice broke with a small chuckle and he shook his head fondly. Alfred stared at him for a minute before muttering,

"Will it ever be the same?"

Arthur took a moment. He looked at Francis who smiled gently as he looked at the two he had been skipping between for the past year, feeling as though he was betraying one when he went to visit the other. He looked at Matthew who bit his lip anxiously, his expression more doe-eyed than ever. He took a deep breath before shaking his head.

"Never," he said clearly making the two in the doorway flinch and Alfred's eyes fill up again, "But that's okay, you idiot. You're grown now, you said so. You don't need me to follow you around and that's just... That's just fine."

"What if I mess up?"

"We all mess up," Arthur smiled slightly, looking at Francis pointedly as he did so.

"You're not mad any more?" Alfred said a little uncertainly.

"I'm still furious with you and your stupid face," Arthur sighed, "But if you mean am I going to really leave you to fend for yourself. Of course I'm not, you'd kill yourself within a few years."