Author Introduction: Hello, all. :) This new story here is actually an older fic which has had the rewrite treatment, along with many more stories from the past that I'm attempting to rewrite. It's also a break from the old angsty-horror routine; it's a humour/parody with a smidge of an hilariously cute romance, AND it's a small crossover. And it's not really for taking seriously, so don't expect pain and suffering. LOL ANNNNNND...it just so happens to be a birthday present for a good friend of mine, ArtGem from deviantArt, and Nikkette on here. I've had a lot of fun rewriting it, and I hope everyone enjoys it, including the birthday girl. ;) - Laura
Uninvited Guests
Kirsty struggled through the door with three large grocery bags of party nibbles and colourful birthday paraphernalia. She deposited two of the bags on the kitchen worktops, and swore loudly as the third crashed on to the cool tiled floors, spilling out some coned party hats that looked as though they had been vomited on in Technicolor.
All this mess was to be organised by night fall for her friend who had been invited round to Kirsty's apartment for birthday celebrations.
Kirsty smiled to herself as she considered that term.
Friend...the first one she had made in so many years, and she was making damned certain she would keep a hold of her. A kindred spirit of sorts, Kirsty had met her online through a forum aptly entitled 'Victims of Supernatural Abuse', and had struck up a conversation which admittedly wasn't hard as it was her new friend's own site.
Kirsty had been the only one thus far to register to the unusual website, and she had immediately felt a connection to the young woman, and although she thought her new friend's troubled past was all too ludicrous to believe - a burnt, disfigured man killing teenagers in their dreams, come on now! - she felt at ease discussing matters which any 'normal' person would have seen her on the one-way express to the Loony Bin.
Life, for the first time in a long time, was looking good. She had the kind of company that didn't want to strip the flesh from her bones, and that was good company indeed.
When she had gathered up the party poppers and the last of the runaway cupcakes from beneath the table, she set to work in the front room to tackle the decorations.
The decorating had gone well, with exception of an interruption by a man delivering a parcel. A bit odd for the time of day, but then she had ordered a gift online and in comparison to the surreal way in which her life had turned out, this was nothing to fret over.
Kirsty gave herself a mental pat on the back for a job well done and distractedly opened the small parcel. When she felt the familiar lacquered surface brush against her fingertips, she dropped the partially unwrapped Lament Configuration, it bouncing lightly against the soft brown carpet.
"Fuck! Not again!" she wailed, staring intently at the glowing box of Hellish wonders.
For some time following her last encounter with him, she had attempted to get rid of the golden puzzle box which had stalked her for all these years, only to find that it had been recovered and sent back to her. She had thrown it in lakes, toasted it in her fireplace, and even tossed it into acid baths. She had once buried it and sown the ground with salt, only for it to be unearthed not long afterwards. She had even sold it on eBay, but the blasted thing was like a boomerang.
Of course, once she had touched the box, it would open of its own accord. It wasn't even trying anymore. It was less of a puzzle box and more of a beeper nowadays.
As the box variously lifted its intricately patterned pieces and clicked its dance of Hades, Kirsty began to panic. She had run out of things to bargain with and she was fairly certain that her pin-headed friend had become a little obsessed with claiming her for...well, she didn't know what for, but she was certain it wouldn't be pretty.
Even now the walls of her small sitting room had cracked and spread wide open. The dull orange light of her bulb had flickered briefly and petered out, leaving the room to be enveloped in a cold blue hue which proceeded...
"You!"
The Cenobite known to her as 'Pinhead' glided gracefully into the room, followed by three of his party, in all his leather-wearing, pin-studded glory. He languorously manoeuvred his way around the sad little sofa she kept and ignored the cat which was stretching on his back and trying to occupy the entire length. The cat briefly looked at the figure approaching his food-bearer and realising that he had no tuna to offer, yawned and fell back into feline unconsciousness.
Pinhead stopped ahead of Kirsty and gave her a menacing smile, at least Kirsty thought it might have been menacing. It was hard to tell with him sometimes. His icy onyx eyes took her in, from breast to legs, taking in her rather attractive and figure-hugging dress, in an almost hungry and predatory glance, like he was checking her out. His eyes lingered for what seemed like forever on her exposed thighs which made her want to blush and slap him at the same time, before he returned his gaze to her questioning face.
"Ah, we meet yet again. I am beginning to think that you enjoy our little encounters, Kirsty." he drawled.
"I...er." There was nothing Kirsty could think to say. Nothing new she could tell him, or offer him. She could feel the panic rising within her. Her new BFF would be there soon, and it wouldn't be much of a birthday present for her to see what was left of Kirsty's remains covering the flock wallpaper in her apartment. What was she to do?
At this point, she noticed that the other Cenobite were looking about the room with what seemed like perplexed and maybe even horrified expressions; at least as horrified as the horrifying could look.
The Female Cenobite was staring at Kirsty's attempt at a glitter ball hanging in all its tin-foiled glory next to the ceiling light. Kirsty felt a rather perverse sense of pride at the creation and it looked especially pretty when it bounced off the blue supernatural glow. The open-throated female seemed almost hypnotised by the crafted mess of tin and would remain so.
The fat Cenobite, nicknamed 'Butterball' by Kirsty, was looking at the mini pretzels and overly crusty sausage rolls placed in circles on the pastel paper plates, gradually shifting away from them and shaking his bulky head in disdain.
The Chattering Cenobite, in the meanwhile, had taken an interest in Kirsty's cat that was in turn taking absolutely no interest in him.
With the three other Cenobites preoccupied, Kirsty jumped a little when Pinhead had seemingly drawn much closer to her, close enough to feel his icy breath upon her cheek. The elegant and regal Cenobite turned his head to the left and then to the right of him, looking upwards toward the explosion of death-by-pastel. His features ranged from the disgusted to confusion as his coal eyes followed the hanging decorations from each corner of the room. Kirsty wondered if it had been a huge mistake to put up pink paper chains.
It took a good long few minutes before the Lead Cenobite finally brought his gaze back to Kirsty. She still couldn't think of anything to say and it seemed for the moment, neither could he.
"The box," she finally gasped. "It was sent to me-"
"You opened it. We..." Pinhead watched with evident bewilderment as one of the paper chains came loose and fluttered sadly to the carpet. "...came?"
"Listen, I-"
"No more deals, Kirsty. There have been many and I have afforded you each opportunity to prove your mettle, which you have done admirably. Now it is time."
"No! No deals I promise. It's just...It's just..." Kirsty scanned the room, desperately trying to think of a way out of this sorry situation. Her eyes finally fell on the paper hats on the side table.
She inwardly groaned, knowing what she had to do to postpone her soul from being reaped finally by the ever-devious Cenobite in her present company. Well, it was either this...or have her sorry ass dragged to Hell for an eternity of pain.
After what seemed like a lifetime of deliberating, Kirsty snapped her head around to face the Cenobite, grinning inanely. "Happy Birthday!" she chirped, her voice high-pitched and wavering.
Pinhead's gaze darkened and he studied the figure in front of him, who was wavering her hands outstretched in some kind of mocking celebration of crucifixion.
"What is this game?" he growled.
"No game. Remember when I told you that you were once human, you were Elliot Spencer?"
"That was an age ago, girl, and there is little that remains of him."
"Well," Kirsty said, sidestepping toward the paper hats. "The part that remains has a birthday." She grabbed the hat and a paper party kazoo for good measure and approached the flummoxed Cenobite slowly. "Soooo...Happy Birthday!" she said again with a big grin that she hoped gave the impression of sincerity.
The pin-studded Cenobite watched in growing confusion as Kirsty carefully placed the cone hat on top of his pins and weaved the elastic strap between the rest of his piercings. She blew once on the kazoo nervously and then loosened the paper tongue stuck on the Cenobite's chin pins. "Sorry about that." she muttered.
Before he had a chance to say anything, she leaned forward and cocked her head this way and that, trying to position her nose so it wouldn't encounter the metal protuberances that decorated his - in her mind grudgingly - handsome face as she moved in to kiss him.
His eyes seemingly widened slightly in puzzlement as her lips touched his softly in a gentle kiss, it was barely even that. It was merely intended to be a quick birthday peck on the lips, and then retreat, so she was more than a little surprised when the Cenobite's hand pushed into the small of her back to hold her in place, with his lips now hungrily devouring hers.
Well, this was an interesting if unconventional means of yet again bargaining her way out of his grasp, not to mention a pleasurable one. Never in all the time did she ever believe she could actually share a kiss with this creature of Hell, let alone enjoy it. Still, least it was keeping him satisfied for the time being, and preoccupied from his default plan of tearing her soul to shreds.
As they kissed - his tongue pleasantly cool and not too probing - Kirsty noticed that the Female Cenobite was still mesmerised by the wafting globe of silver, Butterball now seemed to be bravely prodding his chubby finger into the guacamole dip, and Chatterer was gently tugging on the cat's tail. He hadn't noticed that the feline had opened one lazy eye and did not look pleased to be disturbed from his catnap.
Relieved that she and the pin-studded Cenobite in her embrace were not in the general watch of the three in his Order, Kirsty settled back into the passionate kiss, her hands holding his shoulders as the kiss deepened, and was evidently enjoying it, before the doorbell rang.
Pinhead pulled back quickly, scratching Kirsty's cheek with a pin in the process.
The rest of the Hell's Angels-to-some broke free of their distractions, except Chatterer who was struggling to tear Kirsty's angry cat from his face.
Kirsty gazed up at Pinhead who stared back at her perplexed. He looked thoroughly confused about what had just occurred between he and the beautiful brunette, and finally breaking their stare and looking to his fellow comrades only deepened his confusion, especially upon seeing Chatterer with new bloody welts on his face.
The ever stoic Hell Priest frowned and slowly picked the colourful and jubilant cone hat from his pins, handing the offending item back to Kirsty.
"I guess the party's over, huh?" she said, exceptionally pleased that she had finally gotten a chance to say that, but deep down feeling somewhat disappointed her magical kiss with him had also come to an end.
"Mmm." the pinheaded Cenobite halfheartedly replied, looking almost lost in his thoughts.
Kirsty stood motionless, watching as each of the Cenobites turned with a swish of their leather cassocks and returned from whence they came, obviously very empty-handed. Their diamond entity God was obviously not going to be very pleased with the lack of a soul, the Cotton girl thought, feeling awkwardness on their behalf.
The Female and Butterball sauntered away together, shaking their heads, with Chatterer following behind and sheepishly picking at his weeping wounds. Pinhead left with some regret that he never had the chance to bellow some magnificent one-liner or an exquisitely turned phrase, and that Kirsty would yet again not be joining them.
But that kiss though...
He kept touching his still-tingling lips, the memory of sharing a kiss with the considered and supposed nemesis of Hell forever meant to haunt him, and glanced briefly over at Kirsty, then at those ghastly pink paper chains. His broad shoulders then dropped slightly as he shuffled forward into eternity with nothing to show for his troubles except for a very surreal - if pleasurable - memory.
As the walls of her apartment joined back together, Kirsty clamped her gaping jaw shut and, trying to control her erratic breathing, headed toward the door, toward the sound of the door bell.
Opening her door finally revealed the presence of a lady not much older than her; her light brown hair curly with an odd streak of grey through it, a pair of deep blue eyes that gleamed brightly toward her in merriment and genuine friendship...despite the obvious bags, and bruising dark rings beneath such beautiful eyes, which told Kirsty sleep was something hardly experienced by her.
Kirsty's visitor smiled, despite looking like she could pass out at any given moment.
"Hi Nancy. Happy birthday." Kirsty finally greeted, and gestured for her kindred spirit to enter with a friendly sweep of her arm.
Nancy Thompson, infamous survivor of the notorious Dream Demon Freddy Krueger of Elm Street, smiled an even wider smile and gave her new BFF a huge gratifying hug. "Hi Kirsty. Thanks so much for the party you've organised. It's so sweet of you."
Kirsty merely shrugged with a slight smile, still half-dazed and somewhat distracted about her kiss with a certain pin-headed someone to properly invest herself in the party she had taken time to organise for Nancy. "Think nothing of it."
"Sorry I'm a little late by the way," Nancy said as she shook off her coat and tossed it on to the nearby couch. "Traffic was terrible. Plus, trying to not fall asleep on the way here was a bitch." When she turned around, having just finished admiring Kirsty's handiwork with the birthday decorations and the glorious food buffet she had set out, Nancy took in the distinct distraction and faraway look in her friend's eyes. "You all right? You look a little...peaky, distracted even. Has your demon buddy been bothering you? Or Krueger even?"
"Oh no," Kirsty let out a reassuring laugh and waved her hand carelessly, trying her best not to give away she was telling a blatant lie. "I'm fine. I'm just...Would you like a drink at all?"
"I could murder another coffee. Make it black. Trying to avoid sleep as usual." Nancy took a seat on Kirsty's light brown couch next to the now content and sleeping cat before noticing something else upon Kirsty's troubled face. "What happened to your cheek?" she said, pointing toward the slight scratch caused by one of Pinhead's wayward pins.
Naturally Kirsty could not divulge this information to her bosom buddy, about sharing a wondrous if not-planned-for passionate kiss with the Cenobite Lord. Nancy may have been purposely avoiding sleep and necking coffee like it was going out of fashion in fear of this Krueger guy finally catching her out, but least she was not indulging in steamy make outs with her supernatural stalker. That was something that was never going to be the easiest topics of discussion.
Nevertheless, Kirsty gave a slight chuckle and touched her small wound. "Oh, yeah. That was my cat, Elliot. He's in a bit of a mood today."
As Kirsty and Nancy settled down to celebrate the Elm Street survivor's birthday together, Kirsty silently pondered over the series of events featuring the strange man she had thought of variously as a demon and angel (and now lover, whispered a mischievous voice in her mind). There was a connection there between them, but she had never anticipated anything more than a grudging respect, and now that seemed to be just a step on a further plane to understanding and exploration. She was sure that he did indeed have sights to show her, but she had shown him some too and that was all it took to survive in her strange little world. Maybe it was erroneous to make a deal with the devil when all it takes is to thoroughly confuse the hell out of him with pink paper chains and a kiss.
No matter. Kicking the Lament Configuration away from Nancy's view and beneath the couch before she could clap eyes on it, Kirsty turned to her friend and smiled before handing her the one item which had previously flummoxed her Cenobite companion. "Happy Birthday Nancy. Here, have a party hat."
The End...
LOL Well, that's that then. Yep, as you may have guessed, Nancy Thompson from the ANOES movies was the mystery crossover character celebrating her birthday. And nope, she is not dead. It's a humour story, and I guess AU, and every ANOES fan loves Nancy. So why not have her be alive and well? *flips off Krueger* I always figured if this crossover happened Nancy and Kirsty would be friends. Maybe I'll do a serious fanfic one day with these final girls. :) For now, I hope you enjoyed this. As I said, it's an older story but more fleshed out than before. It's more of a parody-humour thing so if you complain about the lack of anything Hellraiser or the fact Kirsty distracted Pinhead with an absurd plan involving a forgotten birthday and passionate kiss, then you really should go back and read the description, or just not have read. :/ Again, this is a b-day present for a good friend of mine, thus aimed for her particular fanfic tastes. ;) For now, till my next fic, I bid you all farewell, and please leave some feedback. Thanks for reading, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY Nikkette! :D